I took Adderall for 2 years, never abused it but stopped my prescription a month ago. Why? Well that's a little complicated but I'll try to explain. A month ago my husband served me divorce papers. This shouldn't have come as a shock after everything I've been through this year, but in a way it did.
I've known my husband for 11 years, married for 7. In the interest of keeping this as brief as humanly possible with a story that is anything but, I will tell you a little bit about the man I knew for about 9+ of this time.
He was kind, thoughtful, optimistic, funny and he adored me. In fairness he was also insecure, easily influenced by others, emotionally unavailable, a workaholic and often self-medicated. At first I just thought it was alcohol which he would binge on every few months and come home from some work dinner so messed up I would seriously wonder how he even made it home. Stumbling, slurring, falling down, often unable to even put a sentence together. Over time he began abusing Ambien, taking it and staying up to get high off it ( never admitting this, always lying.) Sometimes it was both. Looking back I think he was abusing a lot of prescription drugs, pain medication, benzos basically anything he could get his hands on. I just didn't know the half of it.
He continued to be super successful at his job, one promotion after another so from that standpoint things didn't suffer. But our marriage did. As things got harder, we moved to the suburbs, had twins, his estranged mother had a serious major depressive episode with psychosis and then one of our daughter's was diagnosed with Autism, these "episodes" of arriving home messed up increased. Seeing him like that was traumatizing. He always minimized it the next day and avoided as much as possible talking about it. Still, when pressed he often apologized and felt terrible. He could never explain why he got like that. He'd vow to change, or stop drinking, seek out a therapist and did these things from time to time but nothing ever stuck and it put a huge strain on our relationship.
But nothing prepared me for Adderall. After stealing it from me for 5 months, lying to me, even going so far as to suggest our nanny might be the one who took it. I caught him and confronted him. He lied and then finally fessed up, saying he had just taken some here and there because work was stressful and he felt it gave him an edge. After that everything changedl. It was like a switch went off. He started picking on me for everything. He began to deny our daughter really had Autism or that it was anything serious accusing me of not believing in her enough or being negative. ( meanwhile, I set up and have been a part of all of her therapies. But beyond paying for it, he had no part in any of them ) He started micromanaging the way I parented the girls, undermining me in front of them. Telling me his therapist thought I was unstable or mentally ill. Our fights were so intense, once the peacemaker, quick to resolve arguments, they now went on and on. He was never wrong, even faced with hard evidence he still would not back down. The arguments just went into circles, there was no reasoning with him. If I cried he seemed even more irritated. I found out he called my family and friends behind my back and told them I was seriously depressed and had an anxiety issue. He was making me pretty miserable but I was still taking my kids to school, therapy, playdates out an about and doing things, I wasn't exactly unable to get out of bed or anything. I felt embarrassed and totally confused he would say these things. He started going into my internet browsing history, then accusing me in marriage therapy of just insane things, like thinking our daughter was schizophrenic. Then reading my text messages to "find evidence" and "see what you were telling your family about me." It was insane. I stopped marriage therapy and wanted a trial separation.
That was when he totally changed, changed all the passwords, became super secretive. Called our pediatrician and told her I was giving our kids various supplements he wasn't sure were safe causing her to set up a meeting for all of us to talk. The only "supplements" they were taking were gummy vitamins and probiotics. I was mortified. I had a great relationship with our pediatrician, he hardly knew her! It floored me that he would just call her up and imply I was doing something that could harm our kids and worse that he wouldn't talk to me first?
There's so much more to this story but it would take forever to write. Around this time I found out he had his own prescription for Adderall and that he had been helping himself to my entire months prescription of Xanax that I had gotten when we were seperated and only took 2 of) We actually did try to work it out for several months. But once your trust is shot with someone and they've said and done such awful things you reach a point where you don't think you can get over it.
He continued even while we were "working it out" to take friends of mine aside without me aware and imply I was depressed. And he literally flat out lied to my parents about me at one point. I also found out that back when we were separated last Nov he had gone into an investment account I didn't have a password to and put 15,000 down on a retainer for a lawyer who had started drawing up divorce papers. He continued to excuse his past "gaslighting" behavior stating he was just acting out of concern for me. He avoided the kids and I and worked nonstop, he continued to have more "drunken" episodes, once coming home so messed up he was hallucinating and claiming he did coke, MDMA, Adderall etc etc. When he was home on a rare weekend, he acted distracted, always had some errand to run was antsy and impatient.
Finally after a week long business trip, he came home and confessed to having a big problem with adderall. Said he was abusing a lot of it but was done with it. That it was an "evil" drug and wanted nothing to do with it anymore. I had known all this obviously, but told him I was proud of him for admitting it and wanting to stop. Said I would support him in anyway I could.
He avoided me for 3 days, just went to work, came home and slept. Finally on the fourth day as he arrived home from work, strangely upbeat, babbling on and on about various work things, projects he was excited about, upcoming travelling but I couldn't help but feel like, who is this guy? Do I even know him anymore? Finally I said..." I can't help it, I just have had this weird sinking feeling since you returned from your trip, but I've felt it really for almost a year now. I feel like I don't know you anymore. You are this completely different person to me, like I'm living with a stranger. I don't understand what happened." He snapped and again we began yet another argument. Only this time, he ended things. He said it was over. Told me "to deal with it." Said some of the coldest things he's ever said to me. The more crushed I was, the more he retreated or acted disgusted and angry.
The next day he came home, happy as can be, animated and like he'd had the best day ever. Then after reading our kids stories and insisting in front of them I stay and listen too??? (wtf?) he then calmly and without emotion told me to expect divorce papers from his lawyer. At one point I couldn't help it, I started to cry and said " Why? Why are you breaking up our beautiful family? Why are you leaving us?" and he actually laughed at me and said "I'm not leaving the girls, I'm just leaving you." The next day he took our girls to the beach and posted photos on Instagram with funny sayings, in fact he posted 6 photos that day, while I sat and sobbed in our house alone. Since serving me papers he's all over Facebook now posting 2-3 times a day sometimes, it feels like some weird PR self promotion campaign. But what just confuses me to no end is he literally acts like he hasn't a care or regret in the world. With me he is either acting like we are "friends?" and like nothing ever happened, trying to small talk but the minute I don't play along back it's like utter contempt for me. And " God I' so glad to be rid of you." Then less than 24hrs later happily suggesting I go check out this band that playing in town that night with my friend, like we are roommates or something?? Then the next day his lawyer is threatening me with psych evals because we are asking for a drug testing. It's been absolutely bizarre. He wrote a note on facebook to all my friends and family announcing our divorce ( saying he was divorcing me...to trust him that it was the best thing for himself and our girls.) This was to MY close friends and family, it was super unnecessary, callus and insensitive.
I can't figure out if Adderall can turn someone into a narcissistic creep? Or if drugs and adderall have nothing to do with it and he was always a narcissist and our love and marriage was never real? Friends comment how strange he looks and I've noticed it too, his hair longer, a beard now, extra weight, super sunburned and tan, his eyes look different, vacant, he actually looks like a totally different person. Different friends it's bizarre. For those who have abused adderall, does this make sense to you? Or is this guy just a douche who's just over the marriage or a total headcase? I just don't get this sort of reaction after 11 years together.
I would love for him to face this problem ( hence a court ordered drug test) not for me, it's too late for us, he's literally violated me in every way possible, but for our 4yr old girls. Who deserve a sober, safe, and together dad who is involved in their life. Not this manic, sociopathic jerk. If he gets off this stuff, is he forever changed? Does the "old self" ever return? Will he ever regret this? In fairness to myself, I'm not exactly chopped liver. I am attractive and smart. I have taken care of my looks, I'm not perfect but I'm definitely not this dumpy wife. He had a life that many would kill for, successful job, pretty wife, adorable twin girls, cute house in a cute town, white picket fence and all. My family adored him ( obviously not anymore) and he was totally favorited. He's thrown it all away and acts like he wouldn't care if I lived or died. It's mindbending to me. Does anyone relate to this?
So that's why I stopped taking Adderall, because if there was even a chance I could become like that, it wasn't one I was willing to take, especially caring for 2 kids virtually on my own now. Its been a month since I stopped and actually it was pretty easy. Sure would be nice on those days I didn't get enough sleep or that long drive to my parents, but not nice enough for me start taking it again. I don't believe he ever really stopped taking it, I think he tried, but who knows. I don't understand any of this.
