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GDTRFB

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Posts posted by GDTRFB

  1. Relapsed - So Ashamed

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Thank you, InRecovery. I really appreciate your advice and support. I know that I need to tell him the truth and get the Adderall away from me.

    Is this going to be like starting from the beginning again with the depression, etc? Why would I do this to myself? So upset.

    I guess it's back to the 30 day challenger for me...

  2. Relapsed - So Ashamed

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I am so ashamed and I have no idea what to do. I have not told my significant other, yet. He will be so disappointed. We don't keep secrets from each other, but I don't know if telling him is the right thing to do...

    I was 160 plus days clean from adderall. Everything was looking up...everyone was proud of me. I was just starting to get back to being "my old self".

    It was a few days before my birthday and we were getting ready to go to my BDay dinner with his parents. I just wasn't feeling good that day, but I wanted his parents to see the new and improved ME.

    I just felt really crappy that day and before I even knew what I was doing...I looked in his top dresser drawer and found a bottle of 20 -15mg Adderall XR's. I took between 15 and 30 mgs a day for the next 6 days.....It was AWFUL. I feel so ashamed and so terrible for taking them. He hasn't realized that I stole 10 of his pills....and I am just a mess. There's still 10 pills left in that bottle just a few feet away from me.

    I'm not sure what to do. It's been 1 week today since my 6 day relapse and I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I love him so much and I am so ashamed of myself.

    I think I need to tell him about this.... Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please help.

  5. The 60 day challange "reloaded"

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Just wanted to check-in and congratulate everyone on their progress! I haven't posted on here lately, but I wanted you all to know that I am still going strong!

    Today is day 118!

    I have more energy for physical tasks, but it's still very difficult for me to write and problem solve. Also, I've gained 20lbs...

    That's all for now. :)

    • Like 2

  8. 1st step of my Thousand Mile Journey

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Ha Ha! I loved messing around with the if else statements. So bizarre. Conditional formatting was a huge part of my life. 

     

    I could frame some of my old spreadsheets to represent my exciting life on speed.

     

    So happy to not care about that shit anymore.

     

    Good luck with your boot camp today, ZK. Let us know how it goes.

     

    I'd like to try something like that. I've been thinking about joining Crunch and getting a personal trainer.

    • Like 1

  9. 1st step of my Thousand Mile Journey

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    You will find that fortunately and unfortunately that I (we) know exactly how you feel. I was just thinking about my previous job and how I would look forward to seeing my friends when I got to work and walking to Starbuck's with them every morning. I couldn't wait for our lunch time silliness and walks around NYC. I had such a great group of friends at my office. I cherished their friendship as it's a lot more difficult to make new friends in your thirties.... I digress.

     

    My point is that I loved my job, friends and talked to everyone...and then I got way into my adderall addiction and completely isolated myself from everyone, so I could make my spreadsheets prettier and organize my to do lists...

     

    I divorced my husband, who is a very good man. I stopped talking to my parents and nieces.  When I did go home for a visit, I spent half the time sleeping and the other half in my childhood bedroom playing games on my iPad. My parents cried when they took me to the airport at Christmas.

     

    Adderall took so much from me. 

     

    When I quit 78 days ago, I had no idea who I was anymore.  I forgot what I liked and disliked. I forgot about my values, friends, everything.. Most importantly, I forgot what an amazing and funny person I am.

     

    I am now living 3,000 miles away from my family and friends. I moved to San Francisco last July, and am still not working, because I do not have the energy, or self discipline to be able to hold down a job.  Especially, a job in my field. I'm thinking about trying to get a part time gig at the Apple store as a starter job, but I still have a lot of work to do to even get to that point.

     

    So, believe me I know how you feel, MadHatter.

     

    It's not an easy journey, but it gets better. :)

    • Like 4
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    The 60 day challange "reloaded"

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Congrats, everyone on killing the 60 day challenge!

    Ally, I'm so happy to hear that you are in triple digit quit time.

    I am on day 78 today. I have a really bad cold/cough and am going to the doc's tomorrow. I would say that I probably have 4 good days a week.

    As far as what's helping me the most is my personal daily goals:

    - getting out of bed and into the shower (not as easy for me as I'd like it to be)

    - going to SMART recovery mtgs. - mon, wed and fri

    - walking at least 10,000 steps or 5 miles

    - writing in my journal

    - trying not to get frustrated by my utter lack of energy and motivation

    - trying not to get frustrated by my loved one's criticisms of me related to my slug like state

    - rediscovering old hobbies and interests (I've been coloring in this trippy/psychedelic coloring book)

    - writing physical letters to loved one's and sending a fun little package of stuff

    - kicking the soccer ball around with my boyfriend and puppy

    - trying to really clean one closet or drawer everyday - apt used to be spotless, but now not so much... ;)

    - trying to not get upset about the 18lbs I've gained - I'm a small framed 5ft 2in chick and I usually weigh btw 115 - 120lbs. Now I'm at 138. None of my clothes fit..so I am buying some larger clothes that don't remind me how much weight I've gained every time I try to fit into my regular clothes.

    - I'm reading a really good book on REBT (rational emotive behavioral therapy) which is a type of CBT - the book is called Three Minute Therapy - written by Dr. Edelstein - side note: Dr. Edelstein founded the San Francisco chapter of SMART Recovery

    - laughing as much as possible

    - cherishing and writing about the time's when I feel like my old self

    - rewarding myself with little things (downloading a new app, buying a magazine, etc.)

    - trying to accept and love myself exactly as I am at this moment

    - Oh, and let's not forget Netflix and TV marathons - I'm digging the current season of Nurse Jackie

    Congrats again on everyone's progress and making it through this difficult journey! :)

    Jen_RX (I'm thinking of changing my username to that....what do you guys think?)

    • Like 6

  14. Interesting and slightly depressing article

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Ive seen all of those except following...ill have to check it out.

    I feel like ive done nothing but smoked weed and have seen every netflix series :\

    Yet i dont feel like getting off the couch!!!

    Idk i just dont feel completely ready, im sure all the weight gain has taken a toll on my body.

    Is this normal for anyone else?

    Sounds normal for me, unfortunately.

    I've gained 15lbs and that's a lot for a small chick like me.

    It's been 65 days today and I am having one of those total blah days. I got up around 11am and got dressed, didn't shower and laid back down in bed for the rest of the day... Tomorrow will be better. :)

    As for Netflix, I totally agree on the aforementioned series, including The Following. I also dig:

    -Bates Motel

    -Orange is the New Black

    Not on Netflix, but the Despicable Me and Despicable Me 2 movies always make me laugh.

    I can't get enough of those Minions.

    • Popular Post
    • Popular Post

    Please Donate

    in Announcements

    Posted

    Donation complete.

    Thanks for everything you do, to not only keep this site running, but improving it as well.

    You've all been an integral part of my quit and continue to keep me sane and Badderall free. ;)

    Today is day 65!

    Best,

    Jen

    • Like 7

  20. Smart Recovery Video

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I go to smart meetings twice a week, right now. I just started to get more involved on the volunteer side of things, and will be training to be a facilitator.

    I used to got to back in 09 in NYC, but I just didn't find a good facilitator or group that I liked back then. I also could have tried going to meetings on different days, but I just wasn't that motivated at the time. With that being said, I still got a lot out of Using the tools and the workbook on my own. CBT really works for me and Smart is so empowering.

    The 12 step world is just not my thing, and believe me I tried many different meetings, read the big book, did my 90 in 90, had a sponsor, worked the steps...but in the end, the disease model and that culture, did more harm than good for me....

    If it works for you...keep going back.

    If it doesn't, please know that there are many ways to find recovery that do not include an HP or 12 steps)

    Not hating...just educating. ;)

    • Like 1

  21. Trying to Quit

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    I'm so sorry that you are going through hell right now, Jay. I understand the Badderall induced depression/anxiety/hopelessness /catastrophic loss of self confidence and worth, etc.

    I can only imagine what it must feel liKe to provide for a wife and child. I feel lucky that I am the woman that is taken care of by a wonderful man, such as yourself.

    Please try to do the best you can for yourself by taking vitamins, eating healthy and taking a little time out just for you.

    I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

    • Like 1

  23. The 60 day challange "reloaded"

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Hey kids! I'm still here and trucking along. Today is day 48!

    Sorry, if I have been MIA... It's been a rough ride. I hit a very low depressed point around 30 something days. It was awful, total anhedonia.

    I felt so bad, that I even started taking Wellbutrin xl 150 mg a day. I swore that I wouldn't take anymore psychotropic drugs. I only took the Wellbutrin for 4 days. It gave me the energy I needed to get out of bed and took away the severe depression, but I didn't feel like I was accomplishing the things I was doing. I could feel the Wellbutrin taking away the few little sparks of the real me that were shining through.

    I also felt very irritable, and just not happy with myself. I had a day where I just started crying for no reason and I wasn't as loving or caring. It was awful!

    I stopped taking the Wellbutrin and started to REALLY force myself to get out of bed, get in the shower, and to walk at least 6,000 steps a day. That is my bare minimum.

    I worked out a program with my fiancé...that if I am unable to meet my bare minimum requirements for two days in a row that I will go to a program that I believe is a legitimate non 12 step program in San Diego called Practical Recovery.

    Note: if the 12 steps work for you that's great...it's just not my thing. (Yes, I have tried it many times in many different places and even did my 90 in 90 back in 2009 for opiate/benzo addiction)

    Sorry for the rambling. I hope everyone is doing well. I have been thinking of you all. :)

    Note 2: if anyone knows of any good non 12 step/disease model inpatient or outpatient programs out there...your recommendations are greatly appreciated.

    Love to you all! :)

    • Like 3

  24. Can I quit now?

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Please do keep us posted, CMLT.

    I love to read "experience" reports.

    (In my younger days it was researching crazy shit on Errowid. Since 2009, it's been about substance withdrawal on recovery forums)

    I'm finding adderal to be pretty rough on the psychological side...or maybe my brain is just tired of this shit.

    Maybe you can motivate me to get out and exercise. I have lost my momentum physically this week.

    Okay, my post is even depressing me, so I'm going to save us all from my grumblings. :)

    Nighty night, friends.

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