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I had no idea there was a support group for this particular issue. I've been so alone with this for a decade. People don't get it, including my family bc I isolated, so they never cornered me to quit because I hid a lot of the most alarming stuff I guess.

Thank you for replying. What I needed to hear. I do act as a mom, I go through the motions, I do pretty much everything for my kids bc my husband doesn't really help .. School, lunches, activities, parks and play dates, dr, etc, etc... But after I've dropped off my oldest I go home until I'm back on duty and just zone out, feeling blah. Like I start every day with a huge sigh. I'm always so tired. The DESIRE to do things, like career things, things to better my life is there, but it's like I can't muster the motivation to act although I desperately want to. My house is also a wreck, I keep dishes going and pick up but can't keep up with five peoples' laundry and lives, and that's when I feel the weakest.

Hi. Don't really know where to begin. I'm a female, early 30s, I have taken Adderall on and off for about 12 years. First time I ever took anything like that was dexedrine about 15 years ago. Felt so clear, stayed up. Never was a speed freak - tried coke and stuff once and nope - didn't do it for me. I didn't like the HIGH -- I liked the productivity. The clear-headed focus. I'm a type A, highly ambitious, super OCD list-making manic personality that cannot get organized sometimes because I'm too organized, if that makes any sense. I let everything dissolve into chaos when I can't control it completely. I get overwhelmed. I started Adderall regularly in undergrad and I SOARED. Bought it off a friend or two. Didn't take that much, rationed it out, and BOY did it work. Did tons of activities, got into grad school, worked for a high ranking city official. Graduated. Moved out of state, stopped Adderall that summer because, well, I moved. No connections. It was BLEAK. Nothing was fun, work made me want to cry (waited tables). Started grad school in August. Choked. Classes were HARD. No focus. Couldn't do it. Then there was a guy who sold, wouldn't you know it, Adderall, at work (isn't there always?). Started buying from him. Aced my classes. Once, he gave me the bottle when he sold to me. Got the name of the doctor. Made an appointment. Went, took the tests. For sh*ts and giggles, answered everything COMPLETELY honestly and fit the ADHD profile to the T. Hah, I thought. I KNEW it. It's why I'm doing so well. I really do need this stuff. Got a script, kept buying from the guy. Had somewhere from 60-90 in a month. Things go really bad. I isolated. Still did well in school bc a lot of my classes were online. I would stay up on 3 day jags and then crash for 18 hours. Once I went into this sleep paralysis state in my compete chair where I was semi conscious but literally couldn't move for an hour. Fell into a kind of sleep coma in my bathtub - twice - and flooded the entire bathroom. Did weird stuff - tried to start a couple of online businesses, applied for weird loans, ruined my credit. Then I think I hit psychosis because my computer got a virus and I lost all my grad school stuff. Virtual roaches crawled across the screen (that wasn't in my head though - it was part of the computer virus - it's just the thing that sent me spiraling). Took it hard and started this hunt for the hacker. I was in an apartment at the time and ended up thinking it was the people in the apartment beneath mine. I thought we were being spied on. Wow, that sounds so weird to say now, but that really happened. But wait! It gets worse! Decided to stop luckily a month before I found out I was newly pregnant (no overlap - don't worry). Quit cold turkey - adderall and smoking (heavy smoker) - brutal for basically the whole pregnancy. Then I breastfed for a year after I gave birth. Totally clean. Didn't even drink much caffeine. Got pregnant again. Still clean the whole ride. Breastfed for a year. Then, I wasn't breastfeeding or pregnant anymore. It was like a song had been playing that whole time and the record suddenly stopped. I was making money writing articles online. I thought, hmm. I need to be more motivated. I'm older now, not as reckless. I have kids, I'm more responsible. I can handle this. I'll have a relative keep them and dole them out to me. I need this. I need to motivate. I don't know that guy anymore anyway and I'll only have a dr script. Totally legal, totally above board. After all, I DO have ADHD. Went back to the dr. Easy as pie. Script in hand, 2 IR adds, 60mgs a day. Did great for about a month, until, a couple of my websites were hacked. Freaked out, started staying up thinking I could fix it, and the psychosis emerged with a FORCE. I got police involved, was convinced we were being monitored, thought all our devices were compromised. I got a family member who codes involved and he did confirm someone got into our home network but that's as far as he got. I would read through lines of code all night, convinced I would find the culprit. I stayed up all night with a new computer thinking I was chasing someone trying to shut it down, fighting them for control of the cursor. Opened my Kindle in the morning and saw someone trying to lift the password. I still to this day don't know if I really saw that happen or if my mind fabricated the whole thing. A lot of other rough stuff happened that I'm simply too embarrassed to post here. I decided to stop. Got pregnant again shortly thereafter. Been breastfeeding for a year. And it's coming to a close... You know where I'm going with this. I can't start again. I have three kids. But, the motivation. I can't seem to do ANYTHING. I have so much to do, and I sit here with them, morning after morning, hating myself. Doing nothing. It's been almost two years. Have I ruined my brain from natural pleasure forever? I'm so great on it until I'm not. I want to accomplish and without it, I just can't.