survived
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Posts posted by survived
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Hi Zerokewl!,
I can relate to your post very much. Now that I'm sober my friends have also all moved on with their lives and I am also in a place where I would have to make new friends and I feel like I kind of lost that ability. I don't remember how to! It's been so long. I'm currently learning how to socialize again! I think I'm still a bit awkward.
At a certain point in my Adderall abuse I was just getting fucked up I wasn't even using it as performance enhancer.
I got to this point as well. I remember getting high on it such as someone would drink liquor. I was so miserable, so depressed on it but anytime I felt my emotions come into play I would take another pill to "shut it up". I remember saying "I don't want to feel." It's so sad to feel that way. You're killing yourself but you're so hooked to these pills and refuse to stop.
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I do. I had bad experiences with an anti depressant in the past which is why it's suprising I would go and touch something else like Adderall. :/ Anyhow, after all these terrible experiences and horrible withdrawal symptoms(thanks for the insomnia, Klonopin) I won't be taking any pharamecuticals again. I'll pass on the temporary relief.
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What kind of natural iron supplements where do you order them from.
I found them on Amazon.com they are called:
"Solgar Gentle Iron 25 MG (IRON BISGLYCINATE) 180 Vegetable Capsules". I take two a week so I don't constipate. I like them so far, they don't hurt my stomach like other iron brands.
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This post makes me
. Digging backwards, I remember being at 9 months. It feels like a lifetime ago. It's a good place to be. You still have that impending doom at times thinking...."Oh, if i just had some speed, this task would be so much easier." However, you are starting to feel so good again naturally (or at least this is how I felt), that I realized I like my life better without the insanity of that pill. Exercising felt amazing. I remember running and biking basking in the sun. I remember discovering all kinds of new places in my town I'd never been on my bike (because the whole time I lived there I was at the bars or drinking in the pool). I remember discovering all new kinds of running routes and new fun adventures. I remember how healthy I felt and happy to finally feel free. And I remember even the times when I would want that pill so bad to clean up my apartment, I would just let it go and clean it anyway. And maybe it wouldn't be SPOTLESS, but it would be nicer than it was and I would think to myself, "I had to take a pill to pick up this place? I had to not sleep ever, chain smoke, drink 24 packs of beer, and do massive drugs all to have a clean apartment that really only took like an hour to pick up? Wow, that drug really had me good." It's a good day to be clean. Thanks for sharing.
I can relate to you so much, Liltex. I had also begun to exercise outdoors and it is a real rush! I was missing out on that kind of stuff on Adderall. It feels good to be free from a pill! Thank you for sharing some of your experiences with me!
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Did anyone else isolate themselves on Adderall? I began to do this the second year on it onto the 4th year. I didn't like people on Adderall and everyone annoyed me or angered me. (Very different from my original personality) So I ended up secluding myself. I would go to some family or friend get togethers here and there but I always ended up leaving quickly.
It was also difficult to socialize with my anxiety skyrocketed and constant stomach aches, racing heart, sweaty palms and all. Sitting there and relaxing at a get together was near impossible for me. Did anyone go through this kind of personality change or isolate themselves on Adderall?
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I've been using natural iron supplements since I'm also extremely anemic right now. Thanks Adderall. lol...
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Do you believe you have an adderall induced psychosis? What happens to you during one? Just curious. I haven't read up on the topic myself.
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Congrats on the 9 months!
Thank you very much!
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I lost some friends because of flaking on events. I even did try to explain the addiction thing but it just got seen as me avoiding hanging out. It is unfortunate, but i've come to realize they were douches. But at 9 months you should try to do fun things volunteer some effort even if you have to go home early or show up late. Just try sometimes you catch some energy from the group. It is counter intuitive to what every fiber being is saying but try and go out try to talk to people. Isolation can feed the depression and lethargy.
This is true. Thank you.
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I gained almost 30. I desperately needed the weight on though. I've told a couple family members. When I did that I felt a little bit a relief. I also feel that my experience has me feeling a little more compassion for others.
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I did overuse my anxiety medication to come down from Adderall.
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Thanks for all of your responses. This is an interesting topic!
The term "Gateway Drug" is, I think, an unfortunate one. It has too many associations with falsely blaming marijuana for peoples' heroin addictions. It's also associated with scapegoating the drug when it was really the person taking the drug that was the true gateway.
By "Gateway Drug" I should have been more clear. I don't mean blaming or scapegoating one drug for subsequent other drug use. I just mean: Does taking adderall, particularly in youth, increase the likelihood that a person will get involved with other drugs?
Children being handed this stuff get used to taking pills. Pills that change how they feel and act. Pills that are specifically designed to "fix" what's "wrong" with them (which must do wonders for one's self esteem!) I'm sure they experience euphoric feelings at first, too.
If people get used to taking this stuff at an early age, does that make them more likely to take other pharmaceuticals? Does it make them more likely to drink or use other drugs? (This includes any type of drug. Even an antidepressant. As far as I'm concerned adderall is just as hard as cocaine or meth, just cleaner, so to say that it's a gateway drug could mean a gateway anywhere.)
I don't know of any scientific studies, and I think there needs to be a study done on this. But because we are the lab rats, our experiences matter and I am curious to hear about others' experiences and thoughts on this.
When I was a teenager I was placed on an antidepressant and anti anxiety medication. I believe because of my history of these medications, it ultimately lead me to try Adderall and think it was safe because it was "pharamceutical".
I no longer believe ANY pharameutical medication is safe. I also believe they cause me to have extreme personality and mood changes. I don't take anything now.
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I'm 9 mths clean right now and I feel a little similar to you. I wonder if I have brain damage or if I just ruined myself long term. From reading some of the past posts on this discussion forum it sounds like most of the members got better past the 1yr mark so I am really hopeful. I really think you will feel better with time too. Congratulations for quitting a second time! That's huge.
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About three years ago I hit the nine month mark. Nine months was a pivotal point in my recovery. My energy levels and motivation improved all at the same time and I began to have a more positive outlook on everything. I felt like the worst phase of my recovery was behind me and life has just kept getting better since then. I still have "those days" of mental fog, laziness and/or bad memory, but not too often. Congratulations to both of you for hitting the nine month mark!
I can't wait to be at three years. Thank you for the kind of words of encouragement.
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I am still tired sometimes, but mostly I don't have a lot of motivation. It is a mental thing. I can't get terribly excited about anything. Especially not exercising or cleaning my bathroom. LOL.
Oh yeah I lack motivation. I've only had motivation to hang out with people to be honest, but when the day comes I suddendly am not up to socializing. I really need to stop making plans with others for a while. It is rude for me to continue to "flake". I think I'm going to be like this for a while...no making social plans for me until I get better.
It's also difficult to have to explain to friends that I don't have energy to do fun tasks with them. How do you tell a friend that you don't have energy to do things without explaining your past adderall addiction? I can't bring myself to admit this kind of thing to friends.
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9 months is amazing, way to go and welcome!
Haha ZK - I've read some papers I written on Adderall in college and holy shit, the professor must have thought I was on crack or acid. They make no sense! I sounded like a crazy person.
Thank you!
Yes! I can relate to this so much. I think I sounded so ridiculous. I think Professors surely thought I was crazy. At the time, I thought I sounded so smart in my writing too.
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Congrats on nine months. It might do you some good and read an essay or project that you did on adderall. Addie had a funny way of making everything seem amazing and really productive. The reality was different.
Thank you very much!
That's funny you mention reading my writing. I can't bring myself to read all the stuff I wrote on adderall. Especially emails where I responded to important people. *face palm* I've read a couple and it's so mortifying and embrassing! I sound ridiculous and cold at the same time. No wonder friends suddendly started to stay away from me. If I sounded strange in writing, I can't imagine what I sounded like in person.
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Interesting! I think I may try this.
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I just counted on my fingers and I am at 9 months and 1 week clean! Wow...I didn't even notice the time ticking away. Probably because I was too lazy to glance at a calendar...LOL! I feel pretty much the same way that you described, but I have found that if it is something really important I can force myself to do it. I almost ran out of gas because I just wanted to go home and didn't stop. Stupid, but still better than Adderall addiction.
Wow! It's nice to read that there is someone else with a similar time frame as me! How are you energy levels? Are you still really fatigue? Congrats on the 9mths!
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I often ask my self the same question. When will this end? When will I go back to my old self? It's going to take time is what I learned. A lot of time. But it's better to get this over with now, then later. It will be worth it.
I was extremely energetic on my own before Adderall, so to remember that and want to go back to that, is my motivator too.
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Thank you! It was difficult to rid of them but necessary.
I think I'm positive today because I can actually feel love now! Also the fact that although I feel crappy half of the time, I also feel the healthiest.
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I couldn't even hold a conversation...couldn't pull the words out of my brain. I totally relate. Guess what? It is better now. I am quite the conversationalist!
I went through this too. I couldn't speak clearly anymore or even get some words out. I often chose not to speak because of this. Awful what this drug can do to you.
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Gang:
I am 49 years old and have been taking Adderall for about three years. I started taking Adderall because I felt totally stuck and victimized by my feelings. I just sort of got tired of battling "me" all the time, the negative self-talk and general self-loathing. I also got sick of going through life so scared all the time.
I also wanted more energy. For my entire life I have always felt that I was just not quite energetic or smart enough to be the me I was supposed to be. I spent my life watching hard driving type A personalities and wanted to be more like them. Some bizarre combination of greed, need for recognition and success. Christ, who the hell knows.
What I do know for certain is that I have to stop Adderall. A work situation has made me realize that Adderall is having a far more negative impact on my life than I had ever imagined. The cumulative sleep deprivation is killing me emotionally and intellectually. Most days I feel like I have early onset Alzheimer's. Adderall is making me slow and stupid. I am 100% burned out thanks to Adderall.
I am grateful to have found this site.
By way of background, I am not new to recovery. I went through my first rehab almost 30 years ago. However, my drug of choice was opiates and like any good addict I somehow convinced myself that Adderall was safe because it was not my drug of choice.
I should also add that I have a good life: three great kids, a happy marriage, good job, etc. Unfortunately, my good luck allowed me to justify, and help to propel, my use of Adderall. I think for a long time I have felt entitled to use whatever I needed to use to get through the day.
I am going to try and taper myself off with the 20 remaining pills that I have left. I am skeptical of this approach, but I am feeling scared and depressed. Experience is telling me that only cold turkey is going to work.
Before I sign off I should also add that in the past year I have had two angioplasties. I am 100% convinced that Adderall has taken a major physical toll on my body. I now have five stents thanks Adderall and am damn lucky I avoided a heart attack and death. This stuff is poison for me.
Keep your fingers crossed for me.
The person who you described yourself as and how you felt about yourself before adderall is similar to how I felt before starting the medication too. Best of luck to you, I think you can quit successfully!
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I think I was on 7 heading to 8. Scary stuff. Although, I don't believe there is irreversible damage to the brain.
It's my time
in Tell your story
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I just went through all your posts. You are very inspirational and uplifting. Thank you for sharing your story.