Caught in a Catch 22

[AnonymousGirl]

OH man, i'm almost embarrassed to be back at this site. I came here when i quit adderall... almost 2 years ago. And it was very easy. I quit with the determination to not gain weight, and lo and behold, i actually lost a TON of weight due to my dedication to exercise. But then the depression kicked in... and my heavy drinking and getting in trouble with the law. so finally, last june i decided to get back on adderall to kick start my life into the right direction i needed. It helped... alot. And i have been looking and feeling better than ever before... and that is my dilemma. I feel cold, numb, and not alive and unable to really care to make genuine relationships with people, because i am so selfish and so focused on myself. Today i took 2 20 mg xr's just to get me through an intensely busy day... but bottom line, the negative effects are starting to catch up with me again. I can't go through life on this up and down spiral of... crashing and sleeping for days to replenish my body, then waking up one day and taking them again and on a strenuous quest to find whatever it is i am trying to find in this life... only to be running in circles. I know it's only hurting me for the long term, but the problem is, i feel like when i stop, i look ugly... and sloppy and not as put together as i am when i am on it. But again, i would hate to go through my life on this constant up and down. not to mention the effects it has on my estrogen levels. I stopped for about a week last month and my breasts hurt SO bad... i knew it was all the estrogen coming through that my body has been blocking. If that makes sense? ANd that is when i realized just HOW bad this is on my body... so my question is... what do you do when, you know something is so bad for you in the long run, but so good for you in the short of it? I am so torn with this battle... idk what to do. I dont even know if this will make sense? But i do know, i would love to have the light in my eyes back.. and be able to live a meaningful life with a love and kids, which i doubt would happen if i continue to take it.. considering i distance myself from EVERYONE while on it. My main problem is, i am depressed. i know that. i am bipolar as well. And for me, the adderall helps me get out of bed... but maybe i need to find something else more suitable for depression? If anyone can relate, i would really appreciate the support... not even a therapist can fully understand this as they surely have never been in my situation. 

[JustinW]

My suggestion is to get your bi-polar disorder under control first and foremost, then deal with the depression, and finally quit adderall.  Due to your mental history you should not be consuming any alcohol; sorry to be the bearer of bad news on that one.  Build a mental health team consisting of a psychiatrist and a therapist that you can trust because you will need to see them regularly.

[AnonymousGirl]

Thank you, yes, alcohol has caused me only troubles in life... many troubles. 

[Freebird]

AnonymousGirl I agree with Justin's suggestion but also would like to anwser or at least ask you a question  You stated "so my question is... what do you do when, you know something is so bad for you in the long run, but so good for you in the short of it?"

 

From reading your post-  I have a question for you.

Has adderall been REALLY been good for you "in the short of it?"  Just from reading your post it seems to me that adderall is NOT even being good for you NOW... nor was it when you tried to quick two years ago.  You obviously realize this at some level or I don't think you would have reached out for help to quit two years ago and AGAIN now.    Again this is what you stated in your post earlier.  THESE ARE YOUR WORDS:

 

"I feel cold, numb, and not alive and unable to really care to make genuine relationships with people, because i am so selfish and so focused on myself." 

 

"The negative effects are starting to catch up with me again. I can't go through life on this up and down spiral of... crashing and sleeping for days to replenish my body, then waking up one day and taking them again and on a strenuous quest to find whatever it is i am trying to find in this life... only to be running in circles.

 

"But i do know, i would love to have the light in my eyes back.. and be able to live a meaningful life with a love and kids, which i doubt would happen if i continue to take it.. considering i distance myself from EVERYONE while on it."

 

And I know for myself those are some of the very things that I WANTED DESPERATELY to get back in my own life.  Among other things in my life I had let spiral OUT OF CONTROL!  And I have been married for 22 years to my wonderful husband and have two grown teenage sons.  But I it took me hitting ROCK BOTTOM and almost losing them.  Because of the "crazy" things I would to while tweaking out on adderall.  I COULD NOT see it at the time and would have ARGUED and DENIED that I didn't "have it together" if anyone would have EVER said anything to me,  and they didn't because I was very good for a very LONG time at hiding my adderall abuse.  But EVENTUALLY I couldn't. 

 

And came I don't know I never "thought" I had a problem, but then suddenly had a realvation that gosh MAYBE adderall was behind my personality change..etc.  And when I REALIZED THAT on my own ( because i am sure my family knew I would never quit unless it was my idea)  and handed over my medication bottle and my remaining pre-dated scripts to all 3 of them.  I knew it would not be easy... and it hasn't.  I quit at the end of May 2013.  and even though I am still expericing extreme fatique and feel like I am "sloppy"  and not as put together as i was on adderall.  I have develeped the attitude that for "RIGHT NOW"  that's ok.   I do not accomplish nor am i productive as I was while on adderall.  But i lost myself in the process.  I am FINALLY finding myself again.  The "light" has returned to my eyes which was gone.  I am sure because I would stay up for days at a time then CRASH.  My husband said he can not remember me laughing like I do now in sooo many years. 

 

I still have strong CRAVINGS- But I realize they will pass it is my mind trying to "tell me lies"  about why I need adderall, I have to REMIND myself and have a list I keep on my iphone of all the negative things adderall caused in my life. 

 

One last thing I also suffer from depression but of course adderall masked my depression so when i came off.  I didnt realize until just maybe LAST month from reading threads on this forum that OMG that is probably what I was experiencing.  And called my doctor and started an anti-depressant and WOW what a difference it has made.

 

But what I am I am thankful for EVERYDAY is this site and the people on here.  I did not find this site until after 6 months after I had quit.  those were 6 VERY LONELY months.  Not that I would wish this on my worse enemy but the support and encouagement I have received on here.  and KNOWING that I am NOT ALONE is truly a God-sent.

 

I wish you luck and know that you are not alone. 

[AnonymousGirl]

Robin, i am very moved by your post. You pretty much hit the nail on the head on all of the points, and it's assuring to know that someone else has been where i am, and came out a better person for it. You are absolutely right... i blatantly said how miserable adderall is making me... and yes, that is without a doubt, why i am here at the site. But see, my problem is that, right now, i cant afford to crash and sleep and not get the amount of stuff done that i currently am... I wish more than anything that i could, but i cant. I know i woudlnt even be in this predicament had i never even started, but i have and now here i am. I do hate the way adderall is making me feel... i am pale, skeletal and a zombie... and dead on the inside. I know that. But if i dont keep up at the speed i am going, things will fall apart... i dont know.. maybe i'm not even making sense? Okay, i probably realize i will stop, but how do i do so, and not completely fall into my depression hole? What are ways of successfully quitting... and still having energy and living a productive life? 

[AnonymousGirl]

Side note, i just got a new job today... and what really shook me was as i was at the orientation the manager said "no one has a drug problem right? herion,oxycontin,coke,adderall... those are the bad ones." and everyone just laughed and said no... but it startled me to think, something i keep trying to logically reason that is okay to take, here is someone putting it into the same category as those horrible terrible unthinkable ones... how did this happen? How is it legal? I dont get it..  just thought i'd share that random thought 

[Freebird]

I'm not going to sugar coat it and say it is easy. EVERYDAY I still struggle... I still wake up thinking about it and continue to many many times thoughout the day. I took adderall for around 15 years. And for the last 6 or 7 I was "abusing adderall". My tolerence after taking it for that long had become very high. It consumed my life. I could not even get out of bed without first taking at least 2 20 mg adderall EVERYDAY and would continue to take another 2 every couple of hours though out the day. I thought that it I NEEDED ADDERALL to do ______ (fill in the blank). So that continues to be a daily struggle for me, but I NOW I AM FINALLY having days that my mind is not consumed with thinking about adderall and those days I relish I have a feeling they will continue.

So my motivation is my family and if I want to save my marriage and have a relationship with my sons. It appeared to many people in my small town that I "had it together". My husband is a physician, I was the soccer mom and very active in the community. BUT FOR ME I COULD ONLY FOOL MYSELF & everyone else for so long!!!

I now get my strength from the people on here and my family. And just had to face the fact that if people think less of me whatever that is fine. I am not living my life to impress them. In fact looking back now that my head is clear now, I truly believe that I would no long be living RIGHT NOW at the rate I was going. I think I would have had a stroke (I was starting to feel tingle sensation in my hands, arms, toes, and legs. Of course I never told anyone because I didn't want to get off adderall and I didn't care if something happened to me or not- and just other irrational thinking that was putting myself in danger of self harm BUT I COULD NOT SEE IT AT THE TIME)

Geez I am sorry I am sure I got sooooo off topic. haha

[Freebird]

I am sure I got off topic I am using my iPhone and still very much ADHD and will probably need to re-read your post from my computer tomorrow to make sure I understood and didn't just go off in another direction. Which is ENTIRELY possible. Lol

[ashley6]

Robin,

You make lots of good points here. You said your husband is a physician. I'm just curious what his thoughts on adderall are. Obviously not everyone gets addicted like us here, and he's seen the toll it's taken on his wife, but what are his thoughts? I'm making the assumption he's a general practicioner or something of that nature...and I could be way wrong It just blows my mind how the medical community as a whole hasn't seem to realize how dangerous these medications can be...legal speed.

[ashley6]

Robin,

You make lots of good points here. You said your husband is a physician. I'm just curious what his thoughts on adderall are. Obviously not everyone gets addicted like us here, and he's seen the toll it's taken on you, but what are his thoughts? I'm making the assumption he's a general practicioner or something of that nature...and I could be way wrong It just blows my mind how the medical community as a whole hasn't seem to realize how dangerous these medications can be...legal speed.

[Freebird]

My husband is an ophthalmologist (eye doctor). Not to be confused with optometrist... haha. Just kidding. It is just a pet peeve of ophthalmologist, like my husband, not to be called optometrist (most people don't know the difference- I didn't until I married one) but ophthalmologist are actually medical doctors that attended medical school.

Gosh I keep going around the world to get to my point sorry....but I think I can speak for my husband and I will ask him tomorrow to get his opinion and what he thinks the consensus is among other physicians in general.

But I am guessing he would think if adderall is given to treat someone that truly does have ADD/ADHD or narcolepsy etc. And it is monitored and the patient takes the medication AS PRESCRIBED. and takes frequent "adderall vacations". That this medication CAN IMPROVE the quality of life for MANY people.

There are MANY other things that ALSO put others at risk for dangerous health problems for example...eating to much sugar and drinking to many soft drinks one increases their chances of becoming a diabetic. Etc...

[Cassie]

I don't think doctors are going to know much about adderall unless they're involved in prescribing it - definitely not an opthamologist, lol. My sister has been a nurse for many years and she thought adderall was a sedative since it's used to 'calm down' children. She didn't know that add drugs are stimulants. She works on an adult floor of a hospital, mostly elderly people and adderall just isn't a drug she's ever administered. I think pharmacists would have the most informed opinions of these drugs of any medical professional, along with psychiatrists.

[Sebastian05]

Robin, what antidepressant are you on? How long have you taken it and in what ways do you feel it has helped.

 

I've been off of adderall for 14 months now. It can still be a big struggle for me. I was taking it for 4-5 years at prescribed doses of 10-20mg a day.

 

I think im doing better than i was a year ago, but still, things seem not completely on point. I'm still trying to just use exercise and diet as my anti-depressants instead of going on anything pharmaceutical grade.

 

But I'd love to know your thoughts on the antidepressants and which ones you're taking.

[Freebird]

Sebastian I was diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, and ADHD all at the same time gosh a long time ago.  lol But I have ALWAYS been bad about not taken my antidepressants because i believe taking adderall kept me up and was masking my depression.  So when I finally quit.  of course i was EXTREMELY TIRED as i should be because i was so sleep deprived after taking it for about 15 years and abusing adderall for the last 6 or 7.  But I really couldn't seem to get out of bed for months and felt just really depressed.  

 

At first my doctor wanted me to start taking wellbutrin like I had been prescribed for years but never really did take.  I am bad about taking any medication that it doesn't work within the hour - but I thought heck I will give it a try.  So my husband would give it to me before he went to work EVERYDAY FOR A MONTH.  I was still feeling depressed.  i didn't realize this was depression.  because I had some days that I actually felt better.  I was able to get out of bed, get dressed, go to the grocery store, make dinner,  hahaha  I know small things but yeah gotta take what you can you know.  Then it was like I hit a brick wall around christmas crying for no reason, didn't want to get out of bed, etc... my husband wanted and insisted I call my doctor and tell him I was having a "major depressive episode"  so I did.  He said that he thought I would benefit and would start to feel as if a burden was being lifted if i tired something like lexapro.  I said ok.  I ask him how long before i could tell a difference because i didn't know if I could continue to wait for several weeks to feel better.  he said I should notice by the following week.  that i would start doing things that i was currently now unable to do.  and he was RIGHT!!!  

 

BUT NOW I have to remember now that i am feeling better.  that I can not and should not stop taking my antidepressants - which i have before i the past because in my mind i think oh i am feeling better i DO NOT NEED TO TAKE THESE ANY MORE.  only to quickly go back into depression again.  I must remind myself the REASON I AM FEELING BETTER is because the antidepressants are WORKING - THEY ARE DOING THEIR "JOB".    THERE ARE NO SIDE EFFECTS.  

 

SORRY I KNOW THAT ANSWER WAS REALLY LONG..... but i am in one of those rambling kind of moods i guess.  haha    I hope this helps!