Getting out of the adderall mentality

[BeHereNow]

Okay, I still miss adderall sometimes, and I still know that I could NOT handle seeing or being around it without relapsing.  I've been clean awhile and I'm really happy about it.  (So to anyone considering quitting, please don't be discouraged by what I'm sharing here--quitting is DEFINITELY worth it!!!  If anything, all these are reasons to quit ASAP!!)    

 

I'm realizing that a huge part of what's holding me back in work and life is the lingering, dreaded adderall mentality.  I need to break through this, but every day I'm finding that I'm still in that cage.    How to get out of it?  

 

To get out of it, I have to think about all aspects of it.  (I know I've already posted about this, sorry it's so long, but it's something I really need to figure out ASAP.)

 

I still can't get inspired the way I used to.  Not the way I could prior to adderall, and not the way I could when I was taking it.  How to get really inspired and excited again?  Remembering how to be creative and playful?  I feel pretty flat, if that makes any sense. I know it's depression in part, but I also know its partially because of adderall and overall generalized long-term PAWS.  I guess I keep hoping for some kind of magic to happen, and it isn't........ Even inspiration is something to strive for I guess.  

 

That, and I need to stop taking things so seriously.  Adderall had me taking EVERYTHING so intensely seriously, and I guess I'm still in that mentality too.   I think it might be partially responsible for this horrible anxiety/panic attack problem I still deal with every day.

 

I still have a pill-popping mentality.  I still always think I have to consume some drug before work.  Adderall is just replaced with caffeine (coffee, mate, or Stacker 2's.)   I have no problem with these, in fact I love coffee and mate.  But I don't want to be enslaved to it in order to be productive or creative. I don't want to have a drug ---> work mindset.

 

Closely related, I don't want to procrastinate anymore.  I know I can't, but sometimes I still do.  To a certain extent it's the way most people are, and to a certain extent only, it's ok.  But the adderall mentality is the lie that says, "OH no problem!  I'll just wake up early and have some coffee and take care of it then!"  Yeah, it's a lie, and it doesn't work without those magical picker-uppers.  (Or, really, even with them, at least after a little while.)

 

I think procrastination is tied to the lack of inspiration.  When I was driven by my own inspiration, before I gave it over to adderall, there was no desire to procrastinate, because life had its own urgency that would drive me to keep going.  I thought adderall would enhance it, and that eventually I could quit and have momentum to keep me going.  But that was a lie too.    I'm still paying my dues to that devil I guess.

 

POMODOROS.  25 minutes of work, 5 minute break.  I first learned about these on adderall.  At the time, I couldn't understand why anyone would need it!  Hahaha.  I wanted to work for 4, 8, 16 HOURS without stopping--not 25 minutes!!   (I still do, but can't anymore.)   So, lately I've been trying out the pomodoro method.  But today I decided to quit.  I don't like having a timer running; it just has me looking at the time over and over and wondering when I get a break, which messes with my concentration.  (Same reason I can't handle treadmills usually....)  I don't want to live my life always looking at the clock.  I know I am still someone who can handle long spans of time (though not quite THAT long or THAT uninterrupted).  I know that just working (or running, or cleaning, or otherwise absorbing myself in whatever I'm doing) is better for me than trying to slice it into 25-minute chunks (the timer always interrupts me.)  But now I'm trying to figure out what will be my next technique.  Just get it started and get it done?!?!  But how?  

 

I must already know how.  But that knowledge is buried somewhere......  I think maybe I lost it along the way.

 

Lack of self confidence.  It's still a HUGE problem.  It's still worse than before I started up on the adderall.  What can help with this?  I'm thinking of finding a therapist, but I'm debating how much that will really help...

 

And associated with that, being way too hard on myself.  Overly ambitious, under-delivering, ALWAYS, and then I'm unhappy with my self-created "failure."  And get all depressed about it.  It's the same way I used to be on adderall. Just slightly more relaxed.

 

And associated with it, social anxiety.  Why? I have NO IDEA.  It's something I've always had, but I had it pretty much under control before I started taking stupid adderall again.  (DEAR ADDERALL, I REALLY HATE YOU!!!!!!!)

 

So anyway, how long does it take to get out of the "adderall mentality?"  Will it take as long as I was on it (as they say about breakups?)  More? Less?  Has anyone had success with getting out of it?

 

I guess most of it depends on me and how well I can reshape and redirect my worldview and my own thinking.  Looking all these issues in the face rather than avoiding them or pretending they're nonexistent.  Changing my habits to reflect who I really am and want to be, rather than having the same habits as the adderallic skeleton of a person I was.  But this must be a full re-habituation to another way of thinking and living.  It won't be the pre-adderall me; it will be a new version of me entirely.  

 

It's not just quitting a drug, it's also quitting a whole mindset and way of living and being.

 

[ashley6]

I can relate to this post SO much....getting out of the adderall mindset-- it was less direct than that in my head--and I didn't have an explanation for it but that's it. Being clean from adderall is a major accomplishment, and we shouldn't downplay that. To be honest, I think I've avoided doing my résumé, because work-related, job searching type stuff is really uncomfortable without adderall (triggery). While quitting has been 100% worth it, it's so challenging to relearn life. I believe my interviews/job performance will be so much better without adderall, but I have to truly BELIEVE that, if that makes sense. I don't have answers here....just kind of piggybacking on your post....ready to hear from some of you all!

If you don't mind, I'm going to read your post to my counselor tomorrow, because it's stuff I want to cover, and you laid it out very well. I hope that's okay!

Edit: I also wanted to include the beauty of being off of adderall. Being able to have healthy, loving relationships with my family and friends again beats any of the hardships (that's what life is about after all). Being able to JUST BE is wonderful. Laughter is the best medicine, and I'm blessed with this on a daily basis. I don't think it's a coincidence that since quitting I got out of a relationship that was unhealthy for me and am now with a healthy, stable man that treats me amazingly well. Just a few of the many, many positives I didn't want to ignore. Sorry for rambling!

[Cassie]

I think only repetition and time will get you out of the adderall mentality. It's the habit of doing everyday tasks without pills that will habituate your brain to doing things without pills. Honestly, i found talking to a counselor about this to be a waste of time. I mean what can they say, think yourself to motivation and self confidence? That sure as fuck doen't work. You can vent to us and your friends for free. Prayer and meditation helped me, to plant the seed in my subconscious and articulate to the universe what i want, if that doesn't sound too cheesy. Writing it out is good too.

I still don't really have any inspiration or drive, but that's sort of why i took adderall in the first place. Novelty helps with ruts, whether it's a new job or just listening to new music. My self confidence and motivation is A LOT better after 2 years than 1 year. It's like I'm much more mentally stable now. I don't think you can put a timeline on when these things return, it's just subtle, gradual shifts. Honestly, i think having patience is what's gotten me through this, knowing that things will improve if i wait, knowing that abstract feelings like self confidence and inspiration are byproducts of life that can't be forced or seeked directly, but if i keep trudging on sober and authentically, i might be rewarded with them in unexpected ways.

[Zerokewl]

Occasional,  I could of written your post its almost exactly how I feel most days. If it wasn't for hard deadlines I would never get anything done. I sort of abandoned the podormo technique too,  tho I find it useful on days when I just can't get going. I think this is where the rubber meets the road in terms of Adderall recovery.    I have this written on my bathroom mirror to remind me to keep struggling

 

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." -Aristotle

[quit-once]

It might help to redefine the terms of your recovery.  Are you comparing this recovery to your prior experience of recovering?  I seem to remember you had a long spell - years- of clean time followed by a relapse.  You seem to be comparing this recovery to your last recovery, which seems reasonable.  But something went wrong in your last recovery and maybe you need to explore why it failed.  Are you comparing your life now to how it was before the Adderall?  Are you comparing your recovery to anybody else's recovery time frame?  You are not the same person you were ?? years ago because you have gained life experiences and have grown as a person.  Every recovery experience is its own animal.

 

In my case, during the first year of recovery, I constantly compared my life to the life on Adderall in order to convince myself life was better beyond addiction, and that re-enforced my newfound sobriety.  After that first year, I started to compare my life where I was before Adderall, and I still do, trying to find that elusive benchmark of "normal".  It also helps me justify my slothful behavior and procrastination.  But lately, I have realized that my life before Adderall wasn't ideal.  I smoked a lot of cigs, abused alcohol, and was always seeking a new drug and a better high.  I will never be that person again and I am glad I have grown up.

 

Pill-popping mentality?  check.  I used caffeine pills a lot during my first year, less after that, but still have the occasional fling with the urge to abuse my supplements and slam red bulls.  As recently as yesterday.  No guilt or downside to that behavior. 

 

Social anxiety?  check.  Someday I hope to have close friends and a girlfriend again, but I am still not there.

 

Procrastination? check.  But this is one area I have seen baby step improvement with each passing month of recovery.  In fact, I procrastinate less than I did before Adderall but still have a ways to go.  I am still digging out of the clutter jams and piles I created during the later stages of my addiction.  Some parts of my life are almost 90% organized!

 

The further I grow away from my addictions to Adderall and ciggies, the more life becomes about growth, good nutrition, and self improvement and less about addiction and recovery.

[ashley6]

Cassie,

My counselor helps because she's a recovering addict, so she can relate and has been through it. Her drugs of choice were alcohol and....speed. She gets the mentality.

[Cassie]

Cassie,

My counselor helps because she's a recovering addict, so she can relate and has been through it. Her drugs of choice were alcohol and....speed. She gets the mentality.

That's awesome you have a counselor like that. I tried two therapists and didn't feel that comfortable around either one. One of them kept asking me about my sex life and my relationship with my husband because 'i never mentioned him.' Yeah, because my marriage is fine. I came to you to talk about my problems, dumbass. So yeah, your counselor sounds super cool. I just don't have the patience or money to 'counselor shop' for a good one, so i talk to friends that have been through addiction and get it.

[Freebird]

WOW I am just speechless!!!!! I spend so much time alone "in my head- with my thoughts" and at the time I feel that no one could understand what I am feeling like.... What it feels like to crave something so bad...even though you know it ONLY WILL CAUSE YOU PROBLEMS. Even though I haven't given in to those stong urges I truly think it is because I get STRENGH FROM ALL OF YOU GUYS!!!! And that strength is what I need to stay strong and NOT GIVE IN TO THOSE URGES! when I am thinking that NO ONE could ever understand what this feels like.... Then I come across a thread proves otherwise.

[Jon]

Cassie and Quitonce talk to us with the voice of experience. I hear the echo of healing ringing off the distant cliffs.

 

I’ve had all of the challenges that quitting a speed addiction can throw at someone in early recovery. I still have very little energy and I’m sleeping 12 hours a day when I can get it. I hate it, but I am starting to have the desire to push myself a little harder and I am reaping the small but significant benefits. I’m 8 months into this thing and I expected a lot more, but it is what it is. Yet I kick and scream dragging myself through most of it. (And please, no effing congratulations on 8 effing months. Maybe at one year I’ll throw a party and invite everyone. I prefer to measure my milestones in progress, not time. I’m not discounting anniversaries. It just works better for me this way. Thank you for your cooperation.)

 

I think the reason I expected more is because there are so many young people on the site. Young people can recover from anything….fast. I’m not saying that it’s easy for them, but their youth makes them more resilient. Then if a comparison is made after reading a post, I have just hit a pitfall. It’s a critical error, and I make it all the time, even though I should know better.

 

We all get frustrated with this thing, this Adderall mentality, until one day it will be gone, vanished. I believe that with all my heart. I’ve experienced it while overcoming other addictions. I believe that the future holds days where I won’t think with the Adderall mentality anymore. I have faith in this healing.

 

That doesn’t mean that I am immune from having a relapse. I will always have a weakness there. We will all carry that weakness with us for the rest of our lives.

 

"Every recovery experience is its own animal." Quitonce.

 

I think this is a very poetic and practical way of saying what we are going through. Just as every animal has different needs for survival, so it goes with each of our quits. How fortunate we are to be able to share it.

[Jon]

Occaisional, A thread wrothy of a Mary Oliver poem. I hope you like it.

 

Wild Geese

by Mary Oliver

 

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

[JustinW]

Jon, I'm glad to hear that you are seeing benefits to your hard work. I know that this 8 months has been very difficult for you. Good job on pushing yourself to make things better. I like your idea for a 1 year party; maybe I'll have to figure out where exactly Delaware is located, probably in the ADIZ.

[hyper_critical]

Buy this and read it.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Perfectionism-Revised-Updated-Self-Acceptance/dp/0757317200

[BeHereNow]

Sorry for my delayed reply to all of your very thoughtful responses!   For some reason, I didn't realize so many people (even on here) could understand and relate to being stuck in the adderall mentality.  (Haha, that assumption in itself is probably part of being stuck in the adderall mentality-- isolation & assuming nobody else understands....when in reality, a LOT of people could understand!)  So THANK YOU ALL so much for being so supportive and for sharing how the adderall mentality affects you.  It helps me to realize I'm actually not alone in this part of the struggle.  

 

In some ways, I think moving beyond the adderall mentality/approach to life is harder than quitting the substance itself.   But maybe that's just me already forgetting the horrific pain of early recovery stages, the direct chemical withdrawals (which no doubt are still there), and also the inability to function at all.   

 

Anyway, Ashley, did your counselor have any useful insights on this?  That's pretty amazing that you found one who understands addiction and has been there.  I have to agree with you, I LOVE being adderall-free and so many aspects of my life are improved/ing, but a lot of things are still extremely triggery.  And we have to find ways to deal with that. :/

 

BTW, I have an appointment this week for a referral to a therapist..... I'm terrified, and I've cancelled the appointment several times because I got cold feet (or told myself I was "too sick," etc.)  But I guess I won't know until I try it out.  I've always been skeptical of therapists, I don't really want to talk about my feelings or the intimate details of my personal life with a stranger...... I don't want to talk about my childhood, or my relationships, or my sex life.  That said, I've heard good things about cognitive behavioral therapy, so that's what I'm going to try for.

 

Much appreciate the thoughts and advice people offered here!

 

 

I think only repetition and time will get you out of the adderall mentality. It's the habit of doing everyday tasks without pills that will habituate your brain to doing things without pills. Honestly, i found talking to a counselor about this to be a waste of time. I mean what can they say, think yourself to motivation and self confidence? That sure as fuck doen't work. You can vent to us and your friends for free. Prayer and meditation helped me, to plant the seed in my subconscious and articulate to the universe what i want, if that doesn't sound too cheesy. Writing it out is good too.

I still don't really have any inspiration or drive, but that's sort of why i took adderall in the first place. Novelty helps with ruts, whether it's a new job or just listening to new music. My self confidence and motivation is A LOT better after 2 years than 1 year. It's like I'm much more mentally stable now. I don't think you can put a timeline on when these things return, it's just subtle, gradual shifts. Honestly, i think having patience is what's gotten me through this, knowing that things will improve if i wait, knowing that abstract feelings like self confidence and inspiration are byproducts of life that can't be forced or seeked directly, but if i keep trudging on sober and authentically, i might be rewarded with them in unexpected ways.

 

Cassie this is amazing advice, and gives me a lot of hope!   Patience IS key, I agree, because progress in recovery is slow but so rewarding.  Re-habituation is crucial too.  It takes time, especially since I'm 10 years older than I was when I quit the first time (I was 21 then, and I just bounced right back no problem!)  So, Jon, I think you raise an excellent point about how age affects recovery.

 

Anyway, I'm not that religious, but the idea of prayer/meditation sounds really helpful too.  I don't do either, but I probably should.   I was just reading an article about how most of our decisions are driven by subconscious beliefs and motivations, and if nothing else I think that's a great way to start shifting the subconscious and opening up to learning to live a different life.  All I have to do is learn how to meditate and sit still without having a massive panic attack..... haha, I'm so ridiculous!

 

Novelty and change are definitely inspiring.   I can't switch jobs or move to a new city right now.   But it's all about getting creative.    I like your ideas about new music.  If I can get myself to start being social again, then maybe new friends, and catching up with old friends, will help a LOT.  New ideas could help too.  I went to a conference that was pretty inspiring and left me with a lot to think about.   Also, a different workout routine or sport.  (Running around the neighborhoods is a relic of my adderall days..... maybe I need to go trail running and also find a different gym.)  I also realized that if I start painting again, and stop pretending I'm "too busy" for it, that will feed my overall inspiration and creative drive.  Also, I'm looking for a new apartment for next August when my lease is up, and I'm hoping that will help.  I'll get to live and work in an environment that is not in any way associated with adderall for me.  (I'm honestly surprised that I didn't die from adderall in my current apartment, so it's still kind of stuck with that association, and it's still somewhat hard for me to get anything done here if that makes any sense......)   Overall, I've got to find some different approaches, and other ways to generate novelty.  It has to be an active process too.

 

Today I found this quote and I think it's right on:

 

Periods of tranquility are seldom prolific of creative achievement. Mankind has to be stirred up.

Alfred Whitehead

 

 

 

Occasional,  I could of written your post its almost exactly how I feel most days. If it wasn't for hard deadlines I would never get anything done. I sort of abandoned the podormo technique too,  tho I find it useful on days when I just can't get going. I think this is where the rubber meets the road in terms of Adderall recovery.    I have this written on my bathroom mirror to remind me to keep struggling

 

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." -Aristotle

 

ZK, you're totally right.  And I love Aristotle!   I kind of threw the baby out with the bathwater on the Pomodoros.  They ARE very effective for getting things moving.  I have to find the right balance for using them, the right technique.

 

 

It might help to redefine the terms of your recovery.  Are you comparing this recovery to your prior experience of recovering?  I seem to remember you had a long spell - years- of clean time followed by a relapse.  You seem to be comparing this recovery to your last recovery, which seems reasonable.  But something went wrong in your last recovery and maybe you need to explore why it failed.  Are you comparing your life now to how it was before the Adderall?  Are you comparing your recovery to anybody else's recovery time frame?  You are not the same person you were ?? years ago because you have gained life experiences and have grown as a person.  Every recovery experience is its own animal.

 

In my case, during the first year of recovery, I constantly compared my life to the life on Adderall in order to convince myself life was better beyond addiction, and that re-enforced my newfound sobriety.  After that first year, I started to compare my life where I was before Adderall, and I still do, trying to find that elusive benchmark of "normal".  It also helps me justify my slothful behavior and procrastination.  But lately, I have realized that my life before Adderall wasn't ideal.  I smoked a lot of cigs, abused alcohol, and was always seeking a new drug and a better high.  I will never be that person again and I am glad I have grown up.

 

Pill-popping mentality?  check.  I used caffeine pills a lot during my first year, less after that, but still have the occasional fling with the urge to abuse my supplements and slam red bulls.  As recently as yesterday.  No guilt or downside to that behavior. 

 

Social anxiety?  check.  Someday I hope to have close friends and a girlfriend again, but I am still not there.

 

Procrastination? check.  But this is one area I have seen baby step improvement with each passing month of recovery.  In fact, I procrastinate less than I did before Adderall but still have a ways to go.  I am still digging out of the clutter jams and piles I created during the later stages of my addiction.  Some parts of my life are almost 90% organized!

 

The further I grow away from my addictions to Adderall and ciggies, the more life becomes about growth, good nutrition, and self improvement and less about addiction and recovery.

 

QO you raise some excellent points.  Redefining the terms of my recovery!  I like that.  

 

I do think my comparisons follow the same pattern you described, and I'm now comparing myself to how I was before I relapsed.  I had previously taken adderall for about 2 years, then quit for 5-6 years because I just didn't want it.  I used only low doses back then, and didn't get too hooked.  But going back on it was as simple as being handed one 5mg pill.   You're right, something must have gone wrong in that recovery time.  Maybe I didn't go as deep into exploring why I had quit, or why it was important, maybe because I didn't get too addicted the first time, so I didn't think it was a big deal to take it again.  I had no idea my addiction could go as deep as it ultimately did the second time around.

 

On the other hand, if someone handed me a bottle of adderall right now, I'd probably take a bunch of them.  I still think about it and sometimes wish for it.  I don't think I could handle being handed some, even now.  I guess my strength needs to be built up still.  

 

In any case, I can't compare myself to who I was 5 years ago.  I've progressed and learned a lot, even when I was on adderall, and in my recovery time too.  I would never want to go backwards.   When I really think about it, some of the same issues I have were still there, and some were even worse: I was drinking way too much, I still had the self confidence lack; I stayed in an abusive relationship for way too long; I couldn't decide what to do with my life, or where to go.  I would never want to go back to any earlier time and I refuse to glorify any past period of my life.  My favorite time is NOW.  So I need to move forwards and create a new version of myself.  

 

 

Buy this and read it.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Perfectionism-Revised-Updated-Self-Acceptance/dp/0757317200

 

Just ordered it! Thanks for the suggestion!

[BeHereNow]

BTW and on a side note......  I just re-read a short essay I wrote towards the rock-bottom of my adderall days, in September 2012.   I remember tweaking out while writing it, thinking I was writing such "deep & profound" things, thinking it was this amazing work of art.  HAHAHA!  It's so horrible!!!!  I'm really embarrassed I handed this in.    This essay is completely incoherent, lacking in substance, no development of any concepts or ideas, it's just also all over the place.  I wouldn't even let my own students get away with this kind of crappy writing.

 

When I wrote it, I had no idea I was so far gone.  It really shows how hard it is to see ourselves from the outside, to measure our true progress (or lack of it).  Especially on adderall.  

[quit-once]

This topic comes up from time to time - how our writing was influenced by Adderall.  I have re-read some of the articles I wrote while on Adderall, again today, and came to the same conclusion - that I really see no difference in the quality of my writing from then to now.  But two things are different: the amount of time it takes me to crank one out is much less (hours vs. days) now, and my opinion of the finished product is lower.  I thought I created masterpieces writing on Adderall and they were really nothing special.  Just stupid one page articles for our company's weekly newsletter.  Hell, I thought one was so good I even gave a copy of it to my prescribing doctor to show him how Adderall had "helped" my (bullshit) ADD condition. LOL.

[SweetCarolinee]

HAHAHAH I can relate to you too so much with the writting, literally thought I wrote masterpieces and hit songs on Adderall... um I don't know so. And shit took me SO long to write. It took me forever to write bullshit. I once wrote a 20 page research paper that only needed to be 8 pages.

[BeHereNow]

OK, I decided that as I keep working on the adderall mentality, I'm going to keep posting in this thread with anything new and relevant I've figured out.  If we keep an ongoing conversation about this, maybe it would be really beneficial.

 

Which brings me to....today.  I realized I need to change my whole paradigm in terms of how I think about, and approach, work.  Pre-relapse, I came to genuinely love my work and all the jobs I've had (I know, I'm really lucky).  I was so inspired, the words and ideas would just magically flow and click together, and I would work with so much enthusiasm it became almost effortless.   It was fun, and playful.  I know this isn't most people's experience with work.... but it was mine.

 

But eventually I went back on adderall and back to school.  Between the pressure of grad school, and the adderall (which intensified the sense of pressure), the fun went away.  Even the fun of interacting with co-workers.  Adderall for the most part, for me, stops making things fun and joyful (like the way you're almost unable to laugh on adderall, or truly enjoy social interactions, etc.  The way you get irritated so much more easily, and think of work as this huge span of time, set aside, with no breaks, that has to be tackled with pills.)  It was adderall that made me start to think of work as something bad, even though I still enjoyed the high but also simultaneously hated it.  Overall it became associated with the increasingly dysphoric tweaked out experiences I was having, with sleep deprivation and inability to eat, with stress and pressure and crazy deep anxiety; with zero laughter or playfulness.

 

I need to disassociate it from all of that.  I need a whole different way of think about and approach what I'm doing.   I want to start moving towards genuine motivation.  I'm trying to start thinking of my thesis as "exciting," and a way of "exploring," (to get me started at least), as a way of helping me understand the world better.  Also as a step towards some further goals that I seem to have lost sight of in my PAWS states (and in my horrific self-confidence loss.)   I have to stop approaching work as something like the huge boulder Sisyphus pushed uphill all day long.  If I can make this shift, then procrastination maybe won't be such an issue anymore.

 

 

EDIT: Just found this quote from a self-help book Working It Out? by Virginia Valien.  It kind of sums up what I was trying to say here, but in a different way.

 

"It occurred to me that mental work is like sex in certain respects, although at first it seemed a bizarre comparison. The most important aspect of the analogy was the idea that work was natural. I had always thought of work as something I had to make myself do, something I didnít intrinsically enjoy. The analogy suggested that I was getting in my own way, that I was preventing myself from enjoying myself. It wasnít that I had to learn somehow to force myself to work, but rather to remove the roadblocks to the way of enjoyment. I continued the analogy and decided that I needed a similar form of therapy (as described by Masters and Johnson). I needed to break the process down, starting at the least threatening level, slowly building up and assembling the whole, and discussing how I felt and what I was learning as I was doing it."