18 months clear at the end of June

[Sebastian05]

Hi everyone:

 

At the end of June I will be 18 months clear, but I'm having a lot of mixed emotions.

 

I made the mistake of googling "adderall reviews" and reading review after review of positive reviews of those who were taking adderall responsibly and as perscribed (just as I was).

 

Naturally, when I read things like that, I cant help but think I'm really denying myself the motivation, drive, and happiness that I once had while I was being medicated on Adderall.

 

I've started seeing a new therapist and she gave me the name of a psychiatrist who is very trusted among the therapists in the psychology practice that I go to. She said I could definitely talk to him about everything I'm going through and that he would really be able to listen and be caring and helpful. 

 

At this point my therapist isnt sure if my emotional state is situational or if its from some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain. 

 

I've yet to see any real sunshine though

 

I'm still feeling pretty flat and 18 months have gone by. 

 

So those of you who know me from my posts here know that I've been fighting the good fight to stay off of these meds, but of course, sometimes it gets to be so easy to fall into the thoughts of wondering if I'm really doing the right thing for myself.

 

I know that if I were to go back on the meds, that I'd become much more productive at work and my anxiety and depression would lift.

 

The adderall did that for me. Anxiety and depression that I once had were totally wiped away and I was able to accomplish so much while being medicated.

 

To be honest, the only reason I have resisted going back on the meds is this website and the nightmare after nightmare that I've read here.

 

But then, I cant help but think this forum is a very small cross section of the millions of people who have derived great benefit from adderall or other CNS stimulants.

 

I'm left with nothing but confusion because I don't know where to go from here. I dont know if i should keep pushing forward or if i should just relent and go back on the meds.

 

I'm just being honest here as I feel that this is a place where I feel I can voice how I'm doing after having decided to quit the meds.

 

I have a sincere longing to feel OKAY again. To feel happy and motivated and just cheerful as I once was.

 

I have this arbitrary 2 year mark in my head. And i keep wanting to hit that 2 year mark and re-evaluate how I feel at that point.

 

Again, I was on 10-20 mg a day for 4.5 years or so.

 

I don't know who if anyone can relate to this, but for years and years I would always get severe anxiety for exams and things of that nature (especially while in law school).

 

As soon as I quit adderall, all the anxiety and bullshit associated with my anxiety came back. So you can't blame me for thinking "hey. if there's something out there that got rid of all this for me. why am i denying myself?"

 

This is such a difficult journey. And I just cant help but think, sometimes, that I'm doing myself a disservice by denying myself a medication that really helped me feel and perform better all around.

 

As always, I'm open to all commentary. 

 

Sorry I'm not a greater beacon of positivity and hope. I'm really trying to figure out what the heck the best course of action is, and I just still feel pretty lost in all of this.

 

S

[Sebastian05]

Wow. No responses. Bummer.

[MadHatter]

what were the reasons you quit in the first place?

[Jon]

I feel your pain Sebastian. Others have it worse. There are 3 factors that determine recovery time; How much you used, how long you used and your age. I think you are doing pretty good at 18 months all things considered. Keep the faith. It will all work out in the end. And if it hasn't worked out yet, it is not yet the end.

[Cassie]

I don't think you'll find anyone here advocating for you going back on speed, but I'm sure the psychiatrist will, because that's their job. Amphetamines have diminishing returns over time - it's that simple. I'm 2 1/2 years off and I'm still not where I want to be, but I know I'm better than I was a year ago, and that's what I measure my success by. The progress of others has nothing to do with me. In some ways (physiologically) it's still a waiting game, but in other ways it involves creative solutions on my part. I have to create my own happiness through my daily choices and experiences while also finding meaning in the struggles. This takes work. Therapy and meditation and reflecting on your mistakes and choices isn't meant to be fun. It's learning about yourself to improve and make better choices in the future. Self reflection isn't found in a pill. Do you want to learn to live without stimulants or do you want to escape? Adderall is an escape from yourself. 

 

There's a great blog called The Last Psychiatrist. It's a psychiatrist who writes about all kinds of topics. There's a good quote that I went through the archives and searched for because I thought it was apropos to this:

 

"Medications do not cure a psychiatric disease; we’re not even sure what the disease actually is.   What they can do is reduce symptoms, give you strength—so that you can learn new behaviors.  That’s the point of medications.  Treating depression with an antidepressant is not the solution; it’s the preliminary step in allowing you to figure out how to handle depression later on.  The adaptation, the adjustment, the physical altering of brain functioning is done by new learning, often this is therapy (though it doesn’t have to be.)  I’m not saying therapy is that great, or necessary, either.  I’m simply saying that trying to improve a person’s long term status using medications alone without some sort of education and training is a waste of time.  It is maybe the most profound disservice of all to tell a patient that their depressive or bipolar symptoms are the result of biology or chemical imbalances and thus absolve them of the responsibility of learning new ways of interpreting and coping with their lives."

[Cassie]

Also, do you have a friend you can talk to about some of your thoughts and feelings? My husband is really good at putting things into perspective for me when I'm feeling hopeless. For example, today I bought tickets to a wine festival, tickets I've been meaning to buy for a couple weeks now. As I'm purchasing these tickets on the website, I see that if I had bought them before today, I would have gotten a free bottle of wine with each ticket. I was so pissed because if I had bought them last night like I was going to do, I would have got the free wine. I was so mad at myself and literally cried and berated myself for like, 30 minutes about it (so I may be PMS-ing right now too). When I told my husband about this horrible fiasco, he laughed and said "Well, if it was free it was probably their shittiest bottle of wine. Congratulations, you lost out on $5." Just like that he can have me laughing at how retarded and dramatic I sound. Sometimes depression/anxiety can be set off by something trivial and spiral out of control because your perception is warped. If you have someone like that who can immediately ground you, it can be a huge help!

[SweetCarolinee]

You are awesome Cassie! Haha it probably would be a shitty bottle of wine

[SweetCarolinee]

Sebastian,

 

I'm terribly sorry your going threw this, I hope it all gets better for you and I know it will. Give it more time possibly. I completely agree with Cassie. But, at the end of the day, you have to do what's in your heart. I was wondering why you quit in the first place as well?

 

I have thoughts and desires sometimes of taking Adderall again (I don't do it) but it runs threw my mind every now and then. I think I am doing pretty good so far but my anxiety is very bad, worse I think but my depression is completely gone - it's really crazy how that works. I have no idea why. Have you looked into Wellbutrin? I have never taken it myself but others on this site have and recommend it. If my anxiety gets worse, I may try it.

[Sebastian05]

Hey everyone.

I quit because I noticed that at 10mg in the morning, I wasnt really feeling the lazer focus anymore.

I knew I was going to have to raise the dose, and thats not something i felt comfortable with because i didnt want more meds in my body.

So i figured that id achieved so much and the adderall had served its purpose in balancing me out and then i could just quit.

It got me thru law school, got me thru the bar exam, helped me in finding jobs. And truly got rid of all my anxiety.

2-3 weeks later i noticed a feeling of unease creeping in and then it was full blown anxiety and depression.

I do believe im better than i was a year ago, but something has to give. Do i keep pushing forward without it? Do i start experimenting with antidepressants? Is this all just in my head and im i being weak and making things harder on myself? I dunno.

I miss the passion and positivity and hopefulness i used to have for life. Now i question every single decision that i make and wonder where the hell my future is going.

I try to stay positixe and hopeful but when the anxiety and general BLAH feeling gets the best of me i get real down.

[ashley6]

Sebastian,

I haven't seen you post in a long time and congratulations on nearing 18 months! I wish you were feeling better. Maybe adderall did solve all of your life problems, but my guess is that is not the case. You put adderall on a pedestal that I don't think it deserves. It took away reality for you, and reality would eventually return at some point. I feel like you get so much good advice here but don't really want to hear it. I feel like you'd rather continue to talk about your feelings on it and all the great things about adderall rather than consider what others have to say to you about alternatives. I don't want that to sound harsh, but it probably does. I think you know I only have good intentions. Sebastian, it gets so much better. I don't like pushing medications if you're trying to avoid them, but time has helped me SO much....as well as Wellbutrin. You have to decide what's best for you....adderall/no adderall/antidepressants/no antidepressants. No one can decide that for you.....hang in there!

[JustinW]

Sebastian,

 

I think it is good that you are processing your thoughts and feelings regarding your quit.  Your recent posts have been difficult for me to read because they echo so much of what I have been experiencing and thinking.  Thank you for being transparent and coming here to help you work this out as I'm sure that typing your story is therapeutic.  Keep fighting the good fight my friend.

[Sebastian05]

Ashley, how long have u been on wellbutrin and what dosage? Are u on anything else? Do u really feel the wellbutrin has helped. Im likely not gonna go back to adderall because the utter terror of what the withdrawal is like is hell on earth. I cant go thru that ever again. I need to remain strong but its so hard. And i do value the things i pick up here, but i get so frustrated that sometimes it seems theres no hope to ever be truly happy again. That my brain's dopamine system has been zapped. I dunno. Im typing this in between sets at the gym. Ive been staying strong on that point. But i wish there was someone who had a definitive protocol to follow. Everyone keeps saying 'be patient' but sometimes it seems that there really isnt anyone who has made the full 180 and come out of the dark tunnel.

[Cassie]

You could try a low dose of wellbutrin, like 50 mgs. That's worked for me in the past, 100 mg sr pill cut in half once a day. And there are plenty of us long timers who are doing fine. I'm not in a dark tunnel.

[Gigem2012]

Sabastian,

 

I feel your pain. It is crazy how similar our timeline and experience with adderall is. I did not take it for as long as you but I took a slightly higher dose (20-40mg). 

 

Not a day goes by that I do not wonder if my brain is permanently damaged/altered from adderall. I am going on 17 months off and I want to say I am doing better than 1 month off but am I?? I am not so sure it is definitive. 

 

I constantly debate what you debate, keep pushing or get back on medicine. Life is not as fun/interesting/energetic as it was for the 2-3 years I was on adderall. My gut tells me the best thing to do is to keep pushing forward and that one day we will be back to our normal selves. The hardest part is not knowing if we will ever be the same, and if so, how long will it take? 

 

I hold a good paying full time job but the day to day struggle is miserable. Obviously I am not near as sharp as I was on adderall, but I am almost positive I was sharper than this during my pre-adderall days. 

 

I probably notice the most change is my social skills. I used to be a lot more outgoing and quick to come up with responses to questions, where as now it is not near as easy.

 

Stay positive and keep pushing forward. If you need to direct message me to talk more in depth, feel free to do so. Just know you are not the only one struggling. I wish more than anything I could be back to normal!

[JustinW]

...I am almost positive I was sharper than this during my pre-adderall days. 

Yep