R-R-R-R-R-RELAPSE (one night only)

[duffman]

Hey all,

My name is Duffman, and I officially relapsed. 

I went for 2 years without a single dose of Adderall - and yet tonight, I took 25mg of Dexedrine. Why? Why would I do this after so long? I made it through my doctorate program, I made it through my boards exam, I made it through my engagement without Adderall in my system, yet I failed tonight. What went wrong? 

To put it simply: I put myself in a situation where I didn't feel like "I" was enough. 

Over the past couple years, I've really began to reacquaint myself to who I naturally am. I'm not perfect. I'm learning that I'm no superman and do have faults that require some serious work in order to function at my job and overall lifestyle. I've been able to manage myself at my new job and even began to thrive. I've learned that my "big picture" thinking is exceptional but my "detail oriented" thinking is lacking and requires serious work. I've made accommodations to this deficit by adhering a strict code of organization through my smart phone using google calendar. I do fail to keep up with routine tasks from time-to-time, but I usually make up for it and have made myself a valuable asset to my company over the past year.

Since quitting Adderall, I finally feel like my fiancee and I have bonded on a whole other level. When I was cracked out on Adderall, I was never "there" for my then girlfriend. I was emotionally absent and wasn't able to fully support her in her time of need. She either experienced me when I was "peaking" on my dose where I'd talk her ear off OR she would experience me when I was crashing and became a void of hatred and loathing. It's a miracle she stayed with me during those tough times. Now, off Adderall, I feel like we're connecting in ways I never thought possible. She feels secure now I'm grounded in reality. I'm there WITH her at all times, for better or worse. I love this woman, and wouldn't trade her for anything. 

So far, so good.. so what ACTUALLY made you relapse duffman?

It's silly - but here it is. I went to an event today where my idol would give a lecture. I respect this gentleman very much and I wanted to be 100% present throughout the duration of his event. I don't revere too many people. I think people are people with their own set of weaknesses and biases. But this guy, I felt, changed my life and dreamed of the day I would finally be able to ask him a question. I didn't want to blow it. This would probably be my only change to ask him something. 

That thought of "only opportunity" consumed my mind and feasted on my will power. I'm objectively a smart guy, but I'm also kinda an airhead at times. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I mean, how often does anyone actually meet and be given the opportunity to ask a question directed towards their "hero"? Again, I didn't want to blow it!! So what did I do? I opened my emergency stash of dexedrine, broke a pill into quarters, and took a quarter. I didn't feel enough, so I took another quarter pill. Still, not enough! I was in too deep! I took ANOTHER quarter pill. Now, I felt like my heart was thumping out of my chest and the thoughts in my mind were in overdrive. I was SOOOO ready for this once in a lifetime opportunity. 

So, it was my turn to ask a question. I walked up to the mic, licked my lips, and then... disaster. A fucking disaster. I couldn't put forth a coherent question. The speaker gave me a confused look and asked me if I had a question hidden in my rambling, incoherent rant. I really didn't know what I wanted to ask, so he answered a different question and moved on to the next person. 

I deserve what happened to me. I don't blame the speaker. He handled it in a professional way. 

I filled my last "stash" of Adderall with water and threw it in the dumpster outside. This should've been done long ago, but I always thought it was a good idea to keep a stash on hand just in case I needed it for dire circumstances. Little did I know that taking it would actually worsen my performance and embarrass me in front of a crowd of people - including my fiancee. 

Overall, I'm glad I was able to experience what I went through tonight. It confirmed that Adderall does not enhance me in the slightest. I would've been fine if I just didn't take the damned pill! I'm done. Officially. I'm done with the neurotoxin Adderall. It's now 2:30 AM and I'm sitting here at my computer unable to sleep.

To all those wondering if hopping back on Adderall will solve their problems, I would implore you to resist the temptation and keep on trucking forward. Without Adderall, I've achieved things I never thought possible. It's time to accept myself for who I am. This doesn't mean surrender, by the way. Far from it. I truly believe each and every one of us has room to grow. In order to grow, you must first admit that you're human and accept responsibility of who you are. If you're going to correct any problems in your life, you must first acknowledge that they exist in the first place! It's the only path forward.  

[hyper_critical]

Duffman. Print this out and read it next time you’re tempted to use. It’s fucking nuts. 

Everyone else - get rid of your stash. There’s absolutely no reason to keep it after you decide to quit. And come here to share about it if you feel like using. 

Duff: love ya man. Get back on the horse. 

[Frank B]

The first time I quit addy I kept a stash around. My honest thinking was it’s a dooms day kit. If a nuclear war broke out or zombies I could use those pills to be superhuman and save my family lol. I stashed them in a hard to reach spot in the ceiling rafters knowing the only time I’d go through the trouble to get them was a real emergency. After a month of stopping I climbed up got a broom and fought to get them out. No nuclear war and no zombies just gave in had to do laundry or something. I think the lesson here is never have any emergency stash.

Duffman know this was a bump in the road but stay close to this site it helps. If you would have given your thoughts leading up to this event chances are someone would have given you some good advice that may have persuaded you against taking it.

[Danquit]

It’s a bump in the road. You are two years without Adderall so if you don’t take anymore then it will be quick to recover from one pill. I will take this as a warning though because I am at close to two years and I feel like I am home free but I know all it takes is a moment of weakness and I could end up back in the nightmare. Get rid of any stashed you might have. I can’t imagine being able to hold onto any stash for two years! No way!

[Frank B]

8 hours ago, Danquit said:

It’s a bump in the road. You are two years without Adderall so if you don’t take anymore then it will be quick to recover from one pill. I will take this as a warning though because I am at close to two years and I feel like I am home free but I know all it takes is a moment of weakness and I could end up back in the nightmare. Get rid of any stashed you might have. I can’t imagine being able to hold onto any stash for two years! No way!

Yes it seems at two years I had and others a huge final push to really want it again. After a couple months past it has progressively gotten better but yes watch that two year mark. I think we feel a little let down things should be a lot better. It will get better but not magically at two year point for most. 

[SleepyStupid]

i'm really sorry to hear about this duffman- i can't imagine what it feels like to embarrass yourself in front of your hero. for what it's worth, i know the feeling of having adderall turn on you in at the worst possible time. my friend asked me to sing / play piano at her wedding, for her father daughter dance. several pills later, i bombed... so hard.. in front of hundreds of people. to this day i can't listen to that song without a sinking feeling. (which sucks cause it's in one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons! lol)

you'll be fine- it was just that one day. it will be hard, maybe impossible to erase the pain of this memory, but it will always serve as a reminder that adderall leads to disaster.