Drifting into darkness a lonely place

[FALCON]

Sitting in darkness looking out the window watching for the sun to rise. 14 days clean now I have a bottle of 30ml xr on the dresser butt do not wiry my friends I will not go back to the hell I have endured for the past 10 yers and espesaly the past two week it was to painful of a experience to go thru again. What I am experiencing now is very deep depression darkness as black as a magic marker; chronic weakness witch is to the point of a disability all my mussels are in pain for resins I do not understand a head ace all day long taking a lot of addval for the pain also Im experieancing anger at myself for geting into this site I have no friends that I can talk to because they will jug me as being of weak character I have kept my addiction a secret from Everyone. I now know I never really had any friends only acuteness’s .I am waiting for this dark place to easy up on me and just give me a lettle brake. Did any of you experience any of these symptoms how long will it last if so I would like to her from you I need help right now getting thru each day. It is a very lonely road when you got know one Tomorrow I will attempt to get out of the apartment and start doing some hiking which I enjoy doing.

Thank you for listing FALCON

[highonlife]

Just want you to know I read your post and will be praying for u

[FALCON]

Brother highonlife thank you for your prayers it truly, it’s Appreciated.

Comforting to know someone cares. I have been reading your post also; I can say you are a good-hearted person. Good like in your journey in becoming a MD I am sour you will be a good DR. The sun came up it was a nice sunrise now I will try to find some power to get thru another day. Keep in touch my friend. FALCON

[canes2315]

Your a strong man falcon. but your going to be fine when its all over. just remember to take care of yourself! my prayers are with you as well!

[FALCON]

Hay brothers and sisters Day #17 clean now I am about to enter another black night . Today was really a fucket up day for me extreme chronic fatigue fell over me supper liturgy like a vacuum sucked all my energy out of my soul . At this point I don’t know if it’s the absents of adderall in my body or something else is going on with me my doctors have no answers for me there solution is lets try another fuckin drug jest maybe this one will help . My answer to that is fuck you. You stupid drug pushing doctors .Yes my friends I am angry today very angry at everyone its best if I jest stay isolated in my cocoon and not talk to anyone intill this dark cloud blows over if it ever does. I fell very hopeless at this time no my friends I am not so strong butt I am a worrier I will fight this devil drug till it ends me or I end it. I am also in chronic pain my stomach and my legs and thighs are in constant pain I can not take any more adval if I do my lever will fry. Its funny I can help other people true there problems butt I cant help my self. Well maybe I will get some sleep tonight and wake up to ether a good day or a fucket up day don’t know which one yet its like a crap shut or yen and yang or hot and cold or hard and soft you know what I mean. Well I will fight and I will fight till the end win or loose yes my friends I sound like I need help I do agree with you all . Butt my realization is I need to help my self because there is no meds or any shrink out there that can help me I have bin down that long road a number of times.I WILL HELP MY SELF YES I WILL. Don’t worry I WILL win this fight ones and for all see my friends my time on this earthly dimension is coming closer to its end I am a little older then moist of you readers my point is let my life experience be a lessen to your path of the elimination of mind controlling in your life drugs Like ADDERALLThank you for listing to me ramble on. Your friend. FALCON

[FALCON]

HulkieD canes2315 highonlife

Hay my little brothers it looks like your the only BROS whom read My Shit tanks you I give you guys my gradatud and respect. Day # 18 clean No adderall no xanex no alcahol. Got up today felt like shit again butt better than yesterday you can tell how shity I was felling . Any how I went out tonight for the first time in 17 days went to the local blues bar her in Chicago all my people at the bar wanted to buy me a drink. I told them no thank you. I am on the wagon I Surprised my self I haven’t Ben sober for along time its hard to remember when .It was a nice felling to be strat with out adderall xanex and boos butt I managed to stay clean hay bros a small victory. I enjoyed the music immensely that’s what it is all about at the club jest good old chi town 100%blues that’s what makes me happy hay bros I even managed to tern down an invitation by a chick I new she wanted me to take her back to her apartment see was so wasted drunk as a skunk and she could not stand strait. I do not want to make love with a drunk skunk chick any more they only pass out on you what fun is that believe me bros its not worth it when you cant remember what you did last night. I bin there don that I managed to have a conversation with a with a chick a tourist from London. Any how I got her number so if I travel to England she said I can crash at her flat. O. k now how are you guys doing I hop my post helps you out in your journey in staying clean. My lessen to you guys today is You can have fun without getting fucket up it is amazing what you experience when your clean .Hay do not get me wrong its not bad if you have 1 or 2 beers to take the edge off or some wine butt do not get your self fucket up were you cant even have a good conversation with a chick don’t worry bros there is someone for every one out there you will find your soul mate when your not expecting it happen have patients’ trust me . If you bros ever get in to the Chicago area I will show you around town bring you to the fames off the beet blues’ clubs. O ya my brothers the band invited me up to the stage for two sets I played my harp and played it sober can you believe that it amazed me to. I hop you can understand the point I am trying to make.

Keep in touch I need your support I am not out of the woods yet

Tomorrow I will try to get onto the trail and hike.

Your friend and brother THE FALCON

[damnpill33]

Good job Falcon keep it up! Im officially 12 days clean from adderall its been a bitch but it should only get better as long as we constantly stay focused on our endgame. Endgame meaning getting to the point of rebuilding ourselves to what we want to be to acheive the most we can out of life. I think with coming up with a good solid routine is essential which sticking to it is hard as fuck especially at the beginning but with every week it should get easier and easier and when you see results there should be no turning back. Im sure there will be those days even months from now that will be so bad temptation will want to take over but one day at a time we can overcome it. I know this because I had a HEAVY addiction to pain killers before/and during my addiction to adderall but kicked the habit of pain killers over a year ago and now theres no desire to go back to that hell. Just like the pain killers, adderall was turning me into a zombie but a different kind of zombie. Eitherway theres nothing but a dark road ahead with continued use no matter now much those damn pills tempt us. Falcon we'll get thru this keep up the good progress

[FALCON]

damnpill33

Hi brother 10-4 day # 18 for me welcome to our little club you also keep up your speared up. I know its not easy getting off of pain meds its not easy I know butt you did it bro congratulations on that please do not relapse if you fell that erg coming on do what I do think about the pain it took for you to get were you are now.

It seems like I am noteicing a pattern in my battle . I would have a semi good day and manage to get out of the houseboat the next day I’m good for nothing like today I’m physically drained I need to jest lay down and do nothing at all the funky thing is I cannot fall to sleep. I tried to go out to night got in my car started driving to my destination I soon realized I was physically drained so I turned the car around and returned to my houseboat that’s my apartment. Well another day of battle tomorrow We will get thru this shit together lets be stronger then the JUNK I am saving almost a full bottle of junk I have. I wanted to flues the drugs into the toilet butt I think I would rater tie a rock around the bottle and throw it into the shrinks office window like luwses on the andy grifit show. On my last appointment with my personal drug pusher my shrink I told him that the adderall was not working on me any more do you know what he did the shrink gave me a extra RX for a higher dos 10-4 my friend . THE FALCON

[FALCON]

Hay brothers and sisters it looks like another lonely dark night its Friday night jest got paid and ready to party very hardy butt that’s my old life.

I know I am not going back it was to painful to get to the places where I’m in now got to think positive and get thru anther dark night yes my friends depression is back to Pay me a little visit. Anyhow, its time to call the china man and have them delver some Mongolian beef then I will witch a move close my phone so the old party friends stop calling. Hay falcon what up tonight I tell them yoo bros your on your own tonight I’m on the wagon train to cleansvill . Man I cant wait for this wagon train to stop rolling I need to get off this ride and move on with my new life. It’s a hard trail as most of you know. I’m depending on you all for the support I am needing at thes time I’m surprising my self cant believe I’m doing it well had no options HIT the bottom hard and there was no were to go butt up. Well that all for my rambling on time to call the china man.

25 DAYS CLEAN AND STILL COUNTING // LOVE YOU ALL

ONE DAY AT A TIME YA MAN ……… THE FALCON

[ashley6]

Hey Falcon. Hang in there. The first month I was a zombie and filled with depression. I worked, came home, ate a lot, and slept so much, and that's pretty much it. It was VERY rough, and it's still not easy, but it does get better. We're pulling for you and know you're not alone. Going back would only restart the inevitable, needing to quit adderall, and drinking(which sounds like is a problem for you) and from what I heard it's worse the 2nd time around. You should be impressed with yourself. This drug is so manipulative.

[FALCON]

My brothers and sisters thank you all for your encouraging words it dos make a deferens when you have support and I know I’m not alone in my journey for recovery. Well My friends Don’t worry about me going back to my old life style you see I don’t have much time left in this dimension. I am over the hill for thus whom do not no this meaning it means I’m over 50. I Don’t have to many more chances to make it Wright and my clock is running down this is jest reality my friends Look at it this way I have bin there and don that I have a valume of war storey’s I can share with you all. I have no regrets my friends. So what I am trying to say is I am tierd of my old ways of living life burnt out and I do not what to go back to dos old ways I am blest I hit bottom and I’m still on this earth. What I need to do now is learn how to live without substances the abuse of legal and illegal ones .It will bee very hard to relearn how to live a strait life butt it is something I must do for myself. Need to learn how to go back into the Chicago blues seen and do it strait this is my challenge how to soulsolise being strait how to have fun strait . I will not relapse I no longer desire that old life style Its history now I will be like a new baby learning how to walk without the baby walker. So all you can do for me is give me your support and your blessings. When I am ready and I have accomplished my goal in staying clean and sober I would like to help others with there addiction problem this will give me my purpose in life. I guess every one has there own shit to deal with the only deference between peoples shit is only how firm it is sorry about my crud explanation about deferens’s in everyone’s unique shit .Well its Saturday night and I’m going out because if I don’t go out I will turn into a tarantula and climb the fuckein walls of my house boat I will be tested tonight and I will Ac my test see moist of you have your school exames I have my life copping test See my point shit is all the same jest deferent degrees of firmness. Thank you my new siyber and sober friends I truly do appreciate you all. LOVE FALCON 26days clean

[FALCON]

Good morning my brothers and sisters another sunny day her in the windy city .Got in early last night I was very tierd I’m seeing the world with a new pair of classes today its amazing what you see and when your head is clear no alcohol no adderall no bensos butt I hade 4 ice teas and half a pack of American spirit yellow. It’s a great feeling waking up without a hangover. I told you my friends I could do it did not let the temptation take over my mind I became stronger then the erg to party the music gave me the high the Buzz there’s noting better then live music it gets your dopameans Going without the drugs If this old time guy can do it all you young bloods can do it also I know my friends its easier said then don thank you all LOVE you all THE FALCON

[quit-once]

Good Job, Falcon. Your friends and family are your most valuable assets and you don't have to give up either one to sucessfully quit adderall. I was determined that I would not lose friends over quitting, if the friendship had more than adderall in common. A true friend will support your effort to quit using a substance, even if they still do. A substance-related friend will fall away pretty quickly after you quit as you will see that the only thing you had in common was using. I had a lot less to do with some of my (non-using) friends while I was isolating and becoming more and more anti social as my addiction progressed. Those friends are good friends and they came back after I quit. I just recently passed my 500th post-adderall day, and life sure feels good.