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roxbury27

Quitting Adderall Day 1

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Merry Christmas ...I think. Feeling it big time today. But I'm not anyone's clock so that's a good thing. I have that F'd up anxiety working yet it induces not a bit of motivation. Have looked like shit this entire holiday. Maybe at the week mark on Friday ill feel a lot better. But even if I don't there's no more adderall for me...that's all there is to it. So ill keep rambling on.

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Those first 30 days+ are awful and a big blur for me. My heart goes out to you. You've been there so you know what it entails, but good for you for doing this! I wish you the very best.

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Hey Ashley. ..blur is a great word!!! That is what every day is...a hazed out,dazed out ,no desire to function or give a shit what anyone thinks about it. I laugh thinkin how much time you could spend on just your hair when you're all jacked ... so not the case now. Thank God for hair clips. And I don't really remember where much of my other bling is currently located ..I just try to remember that my body and my well being really hate when I drown them in adderall ....and it takes awhile for them to ummmmmmm, forgive me for it.

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neversaynever

Hey there girlfriends I guess the hair chatter is a chic thing I get it. Anyhow neversaynever I am proud of you. You did it congratulations on quitting Adderall. You’re on the way to recovery. Please keep up the will power don’t give in .It will get easier every day when you hit your 2 week mark you will really note’s a different state of mind you will still be tired and hungry with some depression butt it will subside as the weeks go on.

Your friend FALCON

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Hahaha...yeah you guys don't have the hair thing but I know the hardships of quitting are the same for us all. I got up and made my boy some real French toast...clean up duty and all. The desire to enhance my lack of motivation will subside with each day...and like you all have said...there is no right time...cuz strait head on into Christmas would never have been mine...but I have proven I don't make the best choices...so I need to just roll with what is put in front of me. Millions of people get through a day without a crutch... I can too. Hope you had a great holiday falcon ...thanks for the continued words of support!!!

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Isn't it great to start cooking and eating real food again? I discarded and gave away a lot of stale food after quitting that I bought but never used while existing on adderall. I think guys do have hair issues when abusing adderall, but it is just more normal for men to go bald and thin as they get old so we tend to blame it on aging. I believe I have less gray hair now that when I was using.

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Your spirit is great, but one thing you said concerns me: "Millions of people get by without a crutch".

Try not, if you can, to compare yourselves with others... especially if it's in a kind of hard-knock way, like this. You're going to have days that will seem really overwhelming and you'll probably feel like giving up. For me, the hardest times seem to be when I compare my own plight to others, and feel weak and guilty and like a complete failure in comparison... I read all my friends' facebook pages and they all seem so TOGETHER and CAPABLE and it made me feel even worse. It was only when I discovered this site, believe it or not, that I realized I'm not the only one to struggle and that I should STOP COMPARING my own journey with others'.

Hope that helps. Stay strong!

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Your spirit is great, but one thing you said concerns me: "Millions of people get by without a crutch".

Try not, if you can, to compare yourselves with others... especially if it's in a kind of hard-knock way, like this. You're going to have days that will seem really overwhelming and you'll probably feel like giving up. For me, the hardest times seem to be when I compare my own plight to others, and feel weak and guilty and like a complete failure in comparison... I read all my friends' facebook pages and they all seem so TOGETHER and CAPABLE and it made me feel even worse. It was only when I discovered this site, believe it or not, that I realized I'm not the only one to struggle and that I should STOP COMPARING my own journey with others'.

Hope that helps. Stay strong!

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That is true. Last time out I'd see all the moms at my daughters daycare with Vera Bradley from head to toe. .and thought " if I only fuckin accesorized better I'd have my shit together like them" a. Few of those moms would become close friends that I got to know when THEY came to 12 step meetings I was chairing. Go figure huh. I'm still in touch with them....they've been waiting for me this time. So I am noting that!!!! Thanks for the reminder.

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You make such a good point. I've realized what a facade Facebook can be. People, including myself, only show what's good in their lives. No one would ever know what I was going through based on Facebook, and I can only assume it's the same for most people. Everyone has their own struggles, maybe not addiction, but life isn't perfect. It's way too easy to fall into the mindset that everybody has their shit together. If they do, great, but comparing ourself to others, could absolutely be detrimental. Most of my friends are married, have good jobs, and are beginning to start families. I've caught myself comparing myself to that, but I've started to accept that I have to focus on being in the best place I can be.....great advice, motivation follows action!

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I know....Facebook is the censored version of my life. Which in most avenues in life I believe is unamerican....but the adderall stuff especially the withdrawl... is not meant for the squeemish...or my children and any.of their friends. On it you'd be dazzled at the painstakingly frosted cookies I hooked up the 4th grade bake sale with...all wrapped in cellophane with some gorgeous ribbon tying my 4 in the A.M cookie Bender all together....but off it now I can't tell you ON F.B how I teared up at the store today when a nice elderly lady smiled and gave my carriage the right a way and I wanted to sit her down and emotionally vomit my story of addiction at her and thank her for the smile????? WOW!!!!!! IS. RIGHT.

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I find I'm so much less judgmental when I'm out in the real world. This is a complete 180 for me since quitting adderall. I remember I used to get all pilled up when I had to go anywhere I would feel self conscious, to give myself a false sense of confidence... it made me feel so much more superior to everyone. What a bitch I must have come across as. And I looked back at my facebook posts at the height of my addiction... ugh. So full of myself, so cynical and nasty about the world, so negative (where I thought I was being witty and snarky and clever). Shows you how out of whack your judgment becomes.

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Well, originally my brother would set out 15 mg for me to take in the morning when I woke up to help combat the crippling fatigue I knew I'd feel for my first week or two at my new job. After that I planned to go solo. See, the 15 mg didn't do anything but get me up in the morning. After resting up for 10 days or so, I was able to wake up on my own. I didn't have my brother flush it or anything, the idea freaked me out too much. I still haven't talked to my doctor. I'm supposed to refill next week and this is where I'm having issues. I've never been so motivated to quite as I am now, but I still have this incredible fear of cutting it out completely. I know this feeling contradicts everything I am trying to do, but it comes from my addiction and there is no reasoning with it. The longer time goes on, the more I see how my addiction negatively impacted my life, and the stronger my resolve to quite becomes. I'm the one getting stronger, not the addiction. I really think that once enough time passes and I get used to living my life sober, I will be strong enough to cut it out completely. I'll probably refill next week...no, I will refill next week. I won't take it. It'll go to my brother with the rest of my prescription from last month. I know...ridiculous.

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I have to put my mind back into addiction mode to understand your logic, and I get it. I think a lot of us quit with a supply of pills that we later have to dispose of. I had over 150 pills stashed away when I quit. Falcon keeps his bottle on his night stand. It is some kind of wierd security blanket. My reasoning for keeping that many pills was that it would be enough to get me through until I found another source IF I ever relapsed. Is that your reason for wanting to refill even though you still have some under your brother's custodial care? I know, they are a precious, irreplacable commodity at this point for you. The more the better, right?

My stash started to tempt me at five months and that is when I got rid of them all. Looking back on it, I would have done just fine without them from day one.

In your last post you said your next goal was to tell your doctor you had trouble taking them as prescribed.

Are you now going to delay that goal for another month?

Have you stayed completely off them since your last post here on Dec 21?

How is your new job going?

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Roxbury...do you know how huge this thread has been to me...the one you started,started it for me dude. It was the first one I read and used as my day one launch pad. I would love to see you not go fill that script, and for sure no worries from me on handling your own...but you are not giving yourself enough credit!!!! And. Control. I did the cold Turkey thing cuz I had to..and cuz that's all that works for me...i have 3 different scripts back to back the start of every month like now...granted the bells would go off at the pharmacies..but only I can determine how many times I have to post day one on here. It sucks balls but 2 weeks in and physical shit is gone!!! I've resigned myself to one fact....it's over. It'll always exsist...the big pharmaceutical wheels are gonna keep spinning despite my problem...its my job to let go of pseudo comfort in all forms via adderall. So I completely respect how you need to handle all aspects of your recovery..but know that you were a very important part of mine. Thanks and be well roxbury.

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P.S Roxbury...I came off almost 400 mg a day with only an empty bottle 2 wks ago ....that was super beat!!!

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Quit Once- HA! That is totally my reasoning. Did you read that Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde poem that someone posted on this site awhile back? There is no better way to describe the adderall addict…none. I did refill my prescription today to satisfy the fear of not having any "just in case I relapse", but I wasn't temped to take any-not even a little bit. See, what's more powerful than my fear of not having any adderall around in the event of a relapse is my fear of the person I become when I take it. But you get it though. My reasoning wasn't totally flawed. Well no, that's not true. It is flawed, but not from an addicts point of view. Anyway. It's weird; now that I know what it is to have an addiction, I find addiction fascinating. I'm am literally two people sharing the same mind and body. Once I use, all I can think about is getting more and how awesome it is (and how awesome I am), and how I was wrong for thinking it was evil and ruining my life. On adderall, I honestly believe that it is the key to everything and that I can totally get a handel on how much I take so that "we" can coexist. Mind you, I think this as I pop my 4th 5th or 6th 30mg adderall of the day. It's insane. Addiction is insane. And it scares scares the want right out of me. The last time I took it (my 15mgs of the day) was on the 19th of December. Work is great, I love the people I work with and the projects I get to work on. What I don't like is adjusting to work as most people know it-where not everything is super awesome and interesting, and that the day does drag and that there really is such a thing as the 2 o' clock wall and why things like 5hr energy exists. It's hard to motivate myself to do things I don't necessarily want to. I'm used to motivation being effortless. I can't say I like adjusting to these aspects of life. It's weird to think I ever was. I used to look at people living life without adderall like they were suckers, or something, for not being able to cheat life like I could. Now I just envy them. But anyway...

Neversaynever-Thanks! I'm really glad you find strength from my thread. I used to look for comfort/relief by reading adderall addiction forums too, but I never found one to help me quit. Just people strung out on adderall looking for proof that it was bad for their health... like if someone responded to their blog with a story about getting diagnosed with heart failure at age 20, it would be reason enough to quit. Have you noticed that too? See, around the end of one of my long binges I'd always start obsessing about death and how I was going to die young. And if I wasn't obsessing about death I was obsessing about premature aging and how old and ugly I was going to look if I lived to be 30. I'd obsess about my heart and check it's beat every 10 minutes to see if it felt abnormal or not. To me every prick of my arm and every pinch of my chest (real or imagined) were signs of heart attack. So was the cold in my hands and feet, and the bluish veins that would appear all over my legs after days of abusing. I got into adderall addiction forums to see if anyone blogged about getting diagnosed with heart disease, diabetes or brain damage after abusing adderall the way I did. Never found any. And most just quit after a week or two. I like this forum because people keep updating. I'm glad you find it useful too. I hate to sound cheesy, but stay strong!

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dude you sound a hell of a lot better than when you first came on here........ amazing what happens to us as the addy leeches from our system and as we take a new path and new direction, make changes, and are actually better off.... fucking night and day. good on ya.

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Hahaha...I love me some cheesy...but it wasn't anyway. Premature aging at 30....nice. since I'm at the geriatric age of 45..LOL and although addies were my gym and my chosen diet plan...I've been lucky that my shit hasn't all gone to hell quite yet!!! Tho staying content with changes on that fuckin scale is not coming easy for me.....WHAT??? I HAVE TO EXCERT MYSELF A. LITTLE...JESUS CHRIST!!!! So I'm trying to adjust some shit and just keep complaining about it on here. I know eventually circumstances and the mind/body connection will even out....and ill be a better me to myself and those who have to deal with me. I was so manic on that shit that I'm pretty sure I was getting close to being, ummm,yeah socially unacceptable ...you keep doing what's genuinely best for you too dude!

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Roxbury:

High Five to ya for quitting and staying completely quit for over two weeks now. The worst of the physical withdrawl and extreme fatigue should be behind you by now. It'll be a slow climb up the recovery hill for the next few months, but it is better to spend months in recovery rather than serve even one more day in adderall hell. I am sure you are gonna make it. I am also sure the AA/NA folks, any addiction counselor, and even some of our members on this site would say "good luck with that" knowing you have a large stash of pills and the option to get even more next month. But quitting is a unique and individual experience for everyone and those of us who think oustside the book have to do it in a way that works for us at the most basic level. As long as your pills don't tempt you, you can keep them around for security. But you will want to unload them in your own way, in your own time and on your terms at some point in the future.

I am glad your new job is going well, and I attribute your success so far to quitting adderall around the time you started it..

Do you want to see what happens to a person after years and years of heavy amphetamine use? Just look at the film footage of Adolph Hitler during his last year of life. His hands were shaking so bad from the amphetamine-induced Parkinsons disease that he almost always kept them in his coat or behind his back in public. We also know he was a paranoid sonofabitch so he likely suffered from amphetamine-induced psychosis. Hitler took daily injections of a amphetamine and vitamin cocktail they called "vitamultin" (source = the history channel).

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