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About Danquit

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  1. Just checking in

    Nice one Nicole! Congrats on 20 months, I was like you at 20 months, reading daily but not really writing. It’s nice to be back to normal life isn’t it? It’s not perfect but it’s real! I’m coming up on two years and looking back it feels like just yesterday I was laying in bed miserable and wanting to die. What a brutal journey it’s been but it was completely worth it. Congrats on your new home and I hope you continue to check in from time to time.
  2. R-R-R-R-R-RELAPSE (one night only)

    It’s a bump in the road. You are two years without Adderall so if you don’t take anymore then it will be quick to recover from one pill. I will take this as a warning though because I am at close to two years and I feel like I am home free but I know all it takes is a moment of weakness and I could end up back in the nightmare. Get rid of any stashed you might have. I can’t imagine being able to hold onto any stash for two years! No way!
  3. Welcome to Hell week? Months ? Years?

    Welcome to the forum littlemissnikki, you are not alone in what you’re going through. When I quit the first time after being on 60mg a day for 5 years, I had my first panic attacks that freaked me out so bad it led to me relapsing because I thought I was gonna die. When I quit again I knew that panic attacks were part of recovery so I toughen it out by getting outside and walking a lot. It was really hard but I made it through and I know you can too. I’d keep the Xanax handy but don’t take them if it’s not absolutely necessary. Xanax is a double edged sword, it’s highly addictive and has a lot of negative side effects. It sounds like you didn’t abuse adderall and you weren’t on it too long so I’d say stay quit since you’ve already started. It will get better but you have to go through the hell of recovery, here is no other way but through. Welcome again to the board!
  4. Just what I needed today.

    I love Joe Rogan’s perspective on things, he gets it. He’s talked about Adderall before and how he can’t believe it’s prescribed to kids.
  5. Weight stabilization

    I gained about 15 pounds in the first year of recovery from laying around not doing anything and eating out a lot with friends in the weekends because it helped with my depression. I knew it was happening but I was powerless to stop it. It wasn’t until half way through my second year when I made an effort to start exercising and eating less. I still enjoy good food and eating out which makes it harder to lose weight but I think at this point my weight is stable. I’m still about 10 pounds overweight but i am working on it in a healthy manner. So the first year weight gain is normal and it does stabilize so you won’t gain forever, but you will have to work hard to remove that extra weight.
  6. Mental Clarity

    I’m finally getting my mental power back after 21 months of recovery. I am naturally indecisive and Adderall let me make every decision with uber confidence even though some of those decisions were terrible for me. Looking back on recovery, I remember being very indecisive in the beginning because each decision was exhausting. The decisions I make now are actually thought out and take into account the consequences of my choices. I actually weigh the pros and cons of everything before I go jumping into something. This makes me take a lot longer to decide on something but that’s a good thing for me. It’s how people with mental clarity make decisions in life. My impulsivity has gone down as well, it shows in my spending habits as well as all other aspects of my life.
  7. How long did you give yourself a pass?

    I’d say 6 months solid for me until I finally decided to get out of the house and go for a walk around the park. It was not linear so anything in the first year I could attribute to recovery.
  8. I want to die.

    Don’t do it, I had the exact same thoughts when I started recovery. I wanted it all to end too but I didn’t do it. It was fucking brutal but I made it and so can you. Just one day at a time, focus on the little moments where you don’t feel like shit and they will help you. Get outside and just walk around the block. Ince you’re outside, our perspective will change and you will realize that ou know this life, you can live this life. I know it all seems meaningless but that’s not the point. The point is to not give up, there is something you have to live for. It will come to you if you give it time. Recovery is the hardest thing you will ever go through in this life, I’ve heard people with cancer say it was harder than that! It’s harder than boot camp, more painful than a kidney stone and tougher than any breakup I’ve ever been through and I’ve been through some rough ones. But you will make it if you just keep on going.
  9. PhD, adderall-free!

    Congratulations! Amazing journey that should inspire many in this forum!
  10. How many years were you on Adderall?

    5 years, last three heavy abuse prescribed 60mg a day but finished script in 2-3 weeks, didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, hallucinated, and ultimately in mental hospital for psychosis, legal troubles, financial problems, lost friends. Quit Adderall, suffered the worst depression and anxiety filled first year, Now, 21 months with zero Adderall, still employed, saving money, having fun with friends, talking to family, enjoying the little things in life at every opportunity.
  11. I’m at 20 months and I remember at 8-9 months I felt I had come a long way but there were definitely weeks where I literally felt like I had just quit but then somehow I managed to survive by taking it one day at a time. Anything in the first year is considered early recovery where PAWS is still strong. Even coming up on two years I feel like there are still days where I can’t do anything without forcing myself and it makes me question if it’s stull withdrawal or if this is as good as it gets. I have to be very careful because in these lows I sometimes have a thought of what if I got some addies how would I be? And that is some dangerous thoughts for me. You will get through the lows if you just put one foot in front of the other and get by one more day. The fight is worth it but you will have to fight hard. It will hurt more than anything you have ever faced in your life, but you have to keep fighting. It gets better and easier in the next year. You are doing great at 8 months, one year is right around the corner. At 9 months you’ll notice a positive change by each person’s timeline is different.
  12. I know exactly what you’re going through because I’ve been there. The first months are brutal because you have zero motivation and you have a ravenous appetite so you’ll gain weight. But know that it gets better with time, a lot of time. In the end all of those wonderful things you think Adderall did for you is a lie. That overconfidence was a lie. There are no shortcuts in life and that’s a lesson I had to learn with Adderall withdrawal. I am 20 months out and I’m running now and I am socializing again in a healthy way. Things are definitely better now so it is worth it. Hang in there and keep updating us. This group has been a lifesaver for me and many others.
  13. 20 months, what now?

    I’m 42 but I feel like I am not very mature because I skipped all those years of growth and life hooked on Adderall. I guess my midlife crisis combined with Adderall withdrawal triggered all this existential crisis stuff. It’s just part of my life experience but something is different now, I think this is the long term recovery phase where I have to realize that this is as good as it gets. Sounds depressing I know, but I’m still very thankful to have gotten off of Adderall, because as boring and hard as life can be, at least I am living my life without the soul stealing drug. Adderall stole 5 years of my life so I guess I’m playing catch-up. I’m trying to apply all the lessons I’ve learned through addiction and recovery to improve my life and to share my experience so it can hopefully help others. On to 2 years next!
  14. 20 months, what now?

    Happy New Year my recovery family! It’s been 20 months since I touched Adderall (sigh) and I am doing fine. I guess I’m back to normal life as far as I can tell and I don’t have that deep depression like from the first year anymore. It’s strange because I can remember that withdrawal was horrible and painful but I don’t know what it feels like anymore. I have a lot of existential thoughts lately and I also am really bored which is dangerous for me because of my addictive personality. The only thing that I enjoy doing is going running but it’s easy for me to procrastinate or blow it off because I guess I’m not that motivated naturally. I feel like life is just meh but there are moments where I get excited about stuff. I guess this is what normal life is like, instead of high on Adderall where the heavens open up when you clean your bathroom. The key takeaway is that at 20 months I feel like I am back to normal and I’m experiencing life and it’s 100% me. I still check into this site very often but not to cry for help so much as to check in because I know that I still need to be vigilant for the rest of my life. For those starting out, hang in there because it really is worth it. I can’t believe how far I’ve come and I’m so thankful for this community!
  15. My Story

    Thanks for sharing your story. I consider you lucky because you found your way here without having to go to a mental hospital like me. You are not alone in this journey of recovery and I assure you that things are a lot better without Adderall. But you have to pay your dues and fight like your life depends on it, because it does. Keep posting here with your updates and questions. This community is amazing and I promise you whatever you think you’re experiencing alone, you are not because someone here has gone through it and can give you insight and encouragement when you need it most. welcome to the club!