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About Neildeni

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  1. 22 years old addicted to adderall and marajuana

    Hey again I’m fucking going through it guys. I’m afraid of a relapse I’ll try to explain this as best as I can. I don’t know what’s exactly wrong with me but I can still tell I’m mentally fucked up from the adderall. During my adderall addiction there was a girl that I got involved with and we ended up having sex when I was high on the adderall and it was great. I think the combination of both of those things combined was the greatest euphoric feeling I have ever experienced in my entire life. This girl wasn’t even what I considered to be very attractive either and I knew I didn’t like her personality but I just kept her around and used her and ended up hurting both of us in the process because I was addicted to the sex because I cannot do anything that’s euphoric in moderation. Now that I’ve been off adderall for quite some time now I’ve been dating around with a few girls and I cannot help but compare sex with them to that sex when I was on the adderall. These other girls have even been way more nice and attractive than this one average girl but I blow them off because I can’t stop obsessively comparing them to that. I almost feel the only way to get this to go away is to have sex high on adderall with another girl as crazy as that sounds to be completely honest. I think I need professional help or something but that’s out of the option for a while longer. I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately and I’m becoming an alcoholic right in front of myself. I can’t drink without blacking out and I’ve been doing that about 4 times a week lately because I drink to numb the feelings of missing that girl which I broke things off with because I knew I’d never want anything serious with her, so maybe it’s the euphoric feeling I miss because of my addictive nature I really don’t know but I miss something about that. I’m also drinking 1200-1400 mg of caffeine a day despite already being on blood pressure medicine and smoking weed heavily again. I’m only 22 years old and I have been watching my life fall apart in front of my for the past 3 years. I really just don’t know what to do. I’ve been depressed and dealing with mental issues while trying to succeed in school and failing for a long time now, it’s exhausting. I still have the potential to be so successful and have an amazing life but I cannot help and stop myself from obsessing over euphoric feelings. One of the things that has kept my life from completely falling apart is that I’m addicted to working out also and have a kinesiology degree also, but feel I won’t make it through PT school because of my mental issues and not being able to do schoolwork while sometimes addictive but mainly depressive thoughts run through my head. I want to be a better person I just don’t know where to begin. Nobody in my life knows this struggle because I don’t want to tell them. My parents know I deal with depression but they don’t know why or about all that. I don’t know if any of you can relate to that but yeah
  2. Yep, I agree adderall is playing a large role in this. He also got busted for steroids a couple years back on top of the amphetamines so both of these things combined I feel are the main reason for his huge slump. Less strength, less focus.
  3. 22 years old addicted to adderall and marajuana

    Hey sleepy, thank you for the response. I read it when you first replied but never got the chance to say thanks. I have been able to stay completely clean from the adderall ever since posting that until just one week ago. I thought to myself taking one pill wouldn't hurt because it had been so long and that it wouldn't do much damage to myself. I was so wrong, this past week has been so terrible I feel like I opened back up the flood gates from taking that one single pill. I was doing so good with the recovery and it took over three months of hell for me to even feel somewhat normal again, I just really hope I don't have to go through that same time frame again from one dumb decision. I had hundreds of pills that I flushed down the toilet right after this incident because I guess one pill is still considered a relapse and I just can't do that again. My other problem is that I had lied to my parents about this situation and I still have to go to the doctor for appointments and I have prescriptions coming in on the monthly. I can't just stop going to the doctor because my parents would wonder why, and if I told them I had lied to them about all this they may stop supporting me while I am at college. I wish to god I never took that first pill, this has by far been the darkest year of my life and it feels like it's never going to end.
  4. Ive been addicted to weed for over two years, using it every day and night to self medicate for all the wrong reasons. It started as something fun to do with friends, and then it only became something I did by myself isolated and alone. I used it to literally cope with any problem I had in my life and put away any bad problems that came about. Whenever I ran out of weed I would feel uneasy and felt the need to buy more immediately. There came a point last school semester when I decided to stop smoking weed because my grades were not good, I was lazy, and my parents were disappointed. I knew deep down it was ruining me, this brought on a whole new set of issues for me. I stopped for 30 days, but around the second week of quitting I was having trouble learning in my classes and I literally convinced myself that I had ADHD, I don't know how but I did, from my extremely addictive personality I think and I put off any idea with this trouble from concentrating and learning from the withdrawl of marajuana and placed the blame on ADHD. I ended up taking the quotient test and manipulating it to make it seem as I had ADHD, and the doctors believed me and SOMEHOW I still actually believed with myself I had ADHD and that this test was unreliable and I had to manipulate it or nobody would ever think I had ADHD. This is when the real hell begun, when I got my adderall prescription. I started taking adderall on a daily basis and my smoking started up again, even heavier than before. I started on 5mg adderall, up to 10, to 20, and then to 30mg for a period of about two months. At nights I would sit and look at myself in the mirror and cry because I felt so empty and worthless inside. I knew something had to change but I still couldn't convince myself that I had an actual problem because plenty of people take adderall, and alot of those people don't actually have adhd right? I continued with this severe depression thinking that I would come out of it somehow but I didn't. That when I decided it had to be from the drugs, I started researching and read a quote that really hit me hard and it was "I do believe, however, that THINKING you need it is the same thing as actually needing it. That's how much power our beliefs have over our realities." And this described me to a tee. I had been lying to myself this whole time and it was time for me to be honest to myself. I have an extremely addictive personality with everything that I do from working out, to video games when I was younger, to drugs. I have a disease and I have had it my entire life and I know that if I don't get control of it now it will destroy me. I haven't smoked weed for 10 days now and I am down to taking just 7.5mg of adderall a day after tapering down the past two weeks. Even this morning when I took that 7.5mg of adderall it scares me how much pleasure I get from just swallowing the pills before they even kick in. It feels I'm that much closer to upping my dose back up. I am now stuck in this problem with having to succeed in my classes and deal with this period of trying to get off of these drugs. I am not afriad that I will relapse on weed, But I am afriad that my grades will suffer and my parents will become even more disappointed with me if I don't succeed in my classes and I feel I need the adderall to do this especially with the temporary loss of cognitive functioning that stopping weed will bring me, along with the lowering dose of the adderall. These past two weeks have been absolute hell as I believe my brain is trying to get back to equilibrium. Any advice on what you all think I should do would be greatly appreciated. Thanks..