Neildeni

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About Neildeni

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  1. Ive been addicted to weed for over two years, using it every day and night to self medicate for all the wrong reasons. It started as something fun to do with friends, and then it only became something I did by myself isolated and alone. I used it to literally cope with any problem I had in my life and put away any bad problems that came about. Whenever I ran out of weed I would feel uneasy and felt the need to buy more immediately. There came a point last school semester when I decided to stop smoking weed because my grades were not good, I was lazy, and my parents were disappointed. I knew deep down it was ruining me, this brought on a whole new set of issues for me. I stopped for 30 days, but around the second week of quitting I was having trouble learning in my classes and I literally convinced myself that I had ADHD, I don't know how but I did, from my extremely addictive personality I think and I put off any idea with this trouble from concentrating and learning from the withdrawl of marajuana and placed the blame on ADHD. I ended up taking the quotient test and manipulating it to make it seem as I had ADHD, and the doctors believed me and SOMEHOW I still actually believed with myself I had ADHD and that this test was unreliable and I had to manipulate it or nobody would ever think I had ADHD. This is when the real hell begun, when I got my adderall prescription. I started taking adderall on a daily basis and my smoking started up again, even heavier than before. I started on 5mg adderall, up to 10, to 20, and then to 30mg for a period of about two months. At nights I would sit and look at myself in the mirror and cry because I felt so empty and worthless inside. I knew something had to change but I still couldn't convince myself that I had an actual problem because plenty of people take adderall, and alot of those people don't actually have adhd right? I continued with this severe depression thinking that I would come out of it somehow but I didn't. That when I decided it had to be from the drugs, I started researching and read a quote that really hit me hard and it was "I do believe, however, that THINKING you need it is the same thing as actually needing it. That's how much power our beliefs have over our realities." And this described me to a tee. I had been lying to myself this whole time and it was time for me to be honest to myself. I have an extremely addictive personality with everything that I do from working out, to video games when I was younger, to drugs. I have a disease and I have had it my entire life and I know that if I don't get control of it now it will destroy me. I haven't smoked weed for 10 days now and I am down to taking just 7.5mg of adderall a day after tapering down the past two weeks. Even this morning when I took that 7.5mg of adderall it scares me how much pleasure I get from just swallowing the pills before they even kick in. It feels I'm that much closer to upping my dose back up. I am now stuck in this problem with having to succeed in my classes and deal with this period of trying to get off of these drugs. I am not afriad that I will relapse on weed, But I am afriad that my grades will suffer and my parents will become even more disappointed with me if I don't succeed in my classes and I feel I need the adderall to do this especially with the temporary loss of cognitive functioning that stopping weed will bring me, along with the lowering dose of the adderall. These past two weeks have been absolute hell as I believe my brain is trying to get back to equilibrium. Any advice on what you all think I should do would be greatly appreciated. Thanks..