sweetupbaaby

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About sweetupbaaby

  1. To fill or not to fill

    So true. This really resonated with me and gave me that extra push that I needed today. Thanks!!!
  2. set back

    All progress is not lost! I have slipped up before, but it was short-lived and I couldn't even enjoy the little bit of a high I got from that 20mg pill because I felt like a fraud and I felt guilty for taking it. It kinda reminded me why I quit in the first place. Adderall really wipes out all emotions you have- good and bad. I never realized how much I was operating like a robot until I became clean- and all my emotions flooded back full force. I am understanding how important it is to give yourself grace for the slipups you make while in recovery. If you are kind to yourself if and when you relapse, you are more likely to stay clean after that slip, as opposed to getting angry. We are human and we are swimming upstream against a current that wants to drag us in the opposite direction. We are going to face some adversity on this journey. I just have to accept the good and the bad days. And accept the slipups if they come. I recenter, reiterate my intentions, and start again. Keep pushing, you are stronger than you think!
  3. To fill or not to fill

    Really, it's the worst. My mind just keeps racing and ruminating the same thought! Fill...don't fill...fill...it's driving me crazy. There really is not much I can do about it though. The pharmacist already thinks I am abusing my script so hopefully, she won't even fill it if I ask.
  4. I wish for more connection...

    Thank you, this is really helpful!
  5. I wish for more connection...

    Sometimes I feel so desperate because I am someone who checks this forum out more than once a day looking for people who have posted or replied. It is something to anchor onto when you feel absolutely helpless,
  6. I wish for more connection...

    I am struggling too. This past week specifically I have not been coping well. I find it close to impossible to open up to anyone about my feelings, but this forum has been a game-changer for that. I feel like I can speak openly about what I am going through. I hope to be a Veteran of this site one day down the road and offer useful advice for people like me who need it
  7. My Brain is Mean

    Also...I was NOT prepared for all of the shit that happened on Adderall to resurface and to be dealt with in a sober state of mind. I am starting to realize I suppressed A LOT of stuff I didn't want to deal with by popping more pills. Fooling myself thinking I could numb that pain away forever. Haha. What a sad mistake....dealing with all these past issues in my sober, vulnerable state is exhausting!! By the way, I have some pretty crazy intense dreams at night, every night! I wake up so tired from the mental energy consumed by my dreams and nightmares.
  8. My Brain is Mean

    Yes....absolutely. I don't even speak to anyone about the darkness in my head because I don't feel like they could ever understand. Most days is complete despair, Intrusive thoughts, weird and dark thoughts and ideas, sometimes suicidal thoughts (although I don't believe I would act on them, I just can't take the feeling of going crazy) It's almost like OCD but fueled by darkness, it's crazy!! I honestly attribute this to my PTSD and panic and anxiety due to a lot of unresolved trauma in my life, but Adderall withdrawal has no doubt been a factor in my deteriorating condition. I know this is because my brain and nervous system needs to recalibrate and truly I just try to be as patient as possible and to not attach myself to the passing thoughts. Mindfulness meditation is soooo helpful when you do it consistently. Depression can be a factor in recovering from Adderall use. I am not surprised by the condition of my mental state because I abused high amounts of XR at a time. When it gets bad, I go for a walk just in any direction. Or I absolutely push myself to work out, because I always feel better after I do. I make sure to get enough sleep, to eat well, and to drink a lot of water throughout the day. I like to think I am pretty resilient to adversity in my life by now. That doesn't mean it doesn't feel like you're going through hell. I totally understand where you are coming from, Thank God for quarantine to recover. I don't think I could go through this in normal working conditions.
  9. 12 Step Programs

    Me too!!
  10. 12 Step Programs

    Feel free to send me a message anytime! This community is here for you. We are all going through, or have gone through many of the same things on our individual journeys.
  11. To fill or not to fill

    I'm dying how I totally butchered that above post lol sorry! It won't let me edit
  12. To fill or not to fill

    LOL...yes that definitely sounds like me. I think I just need to grasp the mindset that I am now a non-stimulant user. And with that title, I do not take stimulant medication. This is how I had to think of myself when I quit smoking cigarettes (59 days today!). I am a non-smoker. I do not smoke cigarettes any longer (although the psychological cravings are still torture)
  13. To fill or not to fill

    Thank you- I definitely needed to hear that
  14. To fill or not to fill

    Hey friends, I feel like I'm really reaching with this topic just to get some support, but this is also a real problem I am having. A few months ago, my doctor told me he was retiring and that I would no longer see him again. Before I left his office he gave me my script and 4 refills and that was the end of it. I have been clean for 20 or 21 days (too lazy to check date)...before I quit, I had 1 refill left waiting for me to fill. It's been haunting me every day for weeks. This insidious voice is telling me to fill them since it's the last time I will have the chance to do so. it's a 1-month script for 80mg XR daily and It's almost too good to pass up. I tell myself what if I need them down the road? Shouldn't I keep them for emergency purposes only? It's the last fill......but then the logical side of me knows that if I fill my "just-in-case" meds then they will be consumed sooner or later for non-emergency purposes. I feel like filling them just to flush them down the toilet lol. That's also a huge waste of money. Any suggestions????
  15. Lawyer Trying to Quit Vyvanse - Any Advice?

    OP, I am only 19 days clean. However, I was a hardcore addict for 4.5 years. I was using up to 240mg of Adderall XR a day. Looking back from this point in my life, to the Me who was using Adderall- I truly can't believe what I was doing to myself. It's traumatic to think I ever treated myself so badly and that it took me so long to see the errors of my ways. From my personal life experience, one of the reasons I quit was to get closer to God too. I felt like the drugs were blocking me from communicating effectively, and giving up the drugs has been one of the best things I have ever done. He has helped me a lot through this process. Nothing- nothing compares to the state of life you will experience unmedicated. I am starting to laugh- belly laughs. I can't believe the sound that comes out of my own mouth. It's a sound of joy. Weird, haven't felt that emotion in a while. Don't get me wrong- things are still very off, but my worst day off Adderall is still better than my best day on Adderall. That's the truth. Because no synthetic happiness could ever compare to the real-life joy you get from genuinely living a life free of stimulants. It is tough, and you need to re-learn a lot of things. But I believe that's what makes life exciting. You really go get to know yourself- your true self- and that is priceless. We tend to hate ourselves on Adderall, but learning to get to know the real you is also a catalyst for self-love. Learning to fall in love with my shortcomings has been huge for me. We tend to think we are perfect on Adderall, which is not only delusional- but it gives us unattainable standards where we get depressed when we can't meet them. I'm starting to get real joy from authentically working hard to get things done. The sense of accomplishment you get from pushing through the tough times makes you resilient above all, and you gain the momentum to become confident in anything you take on. For the first time in a long time, I am starting to have high hopes for the future. Prayers for you, you can do this. It won't be easy. But it will be so worth it, Nothing compares my friend. Your family and friends will be so happy you made this decision. Do it for them too xx God bless!!!!