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About sweetupbaaby

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  • Birthday October 10

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    Toronto, Ontario
  1. 15 Month Update

    Wow! Congrats on your progress! This is so inspiring. That's crazy, all the changes you have made I have done the same thing.. they are truly great, effective life changes. 16:8 intermittent fasting, staying at 1200 calls a day, exercising 5-6 days per week, sleeping consistently, cutting out sugar. I have also recently made the decision to go Vegetarian and I am working on becoming Vegan as a long term goal. The things you are still struggling with, are major issues that I have right now too. It can be pretty exhausting. I second @speedracer about keeping Faith an integral part of your recovery. I keep God at the center of everything I do, and I have been able to overcome mountains that I would never have been able to climb or even have the desire to climb without Him. keep up the great work!!
  2. Success

    Not to brag, but I'm honestly so damn proud of myself. I'm proud because I show up to do the work that no one wants to do. I am so empathetic towards anyone who feels the need to escape reality. Life is hard. People cope by checking out and numbing the pain. I use to do that too. I could easily numb myself by continuing to take stimulants to distract myself from reality. I could continue to smoke cigarettes because I love nicotine. I could continue to drink alcohol because it makes me more fun to be around. I could continue to smoke weed because it makes me forget about my problems. I could continue to bang rails at work because I love being high. I could continue to pop percs because I love feeling mellow. I could continue to pop Xanax because God knows my anxiety is through the roof. These are all addictions I have struggled with in my life. I could easily check out and save myself the pain of feeling my emotions. But I have been choosing to face reality- scared shitless, anxious and depressed, confused, isolated and alone, with no chemical crutch. If anything, it's taught me to be resourceful, adaptive, resilient and one badass bitch. I refuse to be a slave to my addiction any longer. For me, I don't see it any other way. I choose death or I choose life. I have to make the decision each and every day to not let my temptations drag me away. It's been hella hard, I have relapsed more than once and some days it takes all of me not to pick up one of these things. I am happy to say I am currently completely sober. I started my first day of work today. I was so anxious about not having my Addy crutch, but I grew a pair and went to work completely sober. This is a milestone for me. I knew I only needed one day to prove to myself I could do it. I'm tired ASF but I survived. Keep pushing my friends. If an addict like me can get clean- I am absolutely positive every single one of you can too.
  3. Back 2 work

    Wow. Thanks so much for your comment- that makes me feel really awesome that I can inspire you and hopefully others on their own journeys. I appreciate your kind words, they mean a lot to me. I have been clean for about a week now and plan to stay that way. First shift tomorrow. I am excited but nervous as hell!
  4. Back 2 work

    Thanks so much- yeah, you're absolutely right. I have to at least let myself find out how working will be without my medication. I'm putting down the speed. I've come too far for this bullshit! Just going to continue to meditate and get some yoga in to calm my frazzled nerves before my first shift. Thanks for your input- always helpful
  5. Back 2 work

    I touched on this in another post, but I wanted to make a separate one too. I'm going back to work on Monday and I'm freaking out. How have you all coped being at work and not being as productive as you have been while on Adderall? Do you have enough energy to complete your workday? Were you able to concentrate and get things done without the Adderal? How do you adapt to the change? I have been off Adderall for 3 and a half months or so until this past week where I got a new prescription. I really want to start my new job off on the right foot. I want to flush my pills before my first shift. I have 5 am shifts and I am not sure how I will be able to stay energized in the mornings without Adderall. I don't know how I will adapt to the fast-paced environment. I have badass social anxiety and that's a huge part of the fear that comes with being unmedicated at work. Any advice would be greatly appreciated Thanks <3
  6. Sigh

    Thank you for your kind words. I'm really struggling right now and I feel like I am being pulled in two directions. I have been able to take 40mg the past few days without going over that amount. But the problem is, that's already more than I am prescribed. I feel like I try to justify it by saying I am not in the right state of mind to quit right now. I don't have much support in my daily life, and it really helps me with concentration. I also justify taking it because I just got a new job. I can't even process the thought of having a demanding day job without being on Adderall. I wish I could learn to live without it. From what I have seen from the past few days, these are the pros and cons I've noticed from taking Adderall again Pros: 1. Increased concentration 2. No more withdrawal fatigue 3. Energy to get things done that I have been putting off forever 4. Increased confidence Cons 1. Restless sleep 2. Low mood when Adderall wears off 3. Body feels exhausted in the morning before I take it 4. I now understand that I have been using Adderall as a crutch to do anything at all. I will put things off unless I am "high" enough to do them, otherwise, it won't be enjoyable. That's a dangerous mindset to have. 5. Constantly feeling dehydrated 6. Not eating or consuming enough daily recommended calories 7. Always feeling like I want more (even if I don't indulge in the craving, the fact that the craving is there means I am vulnerable to falling back into addiction. Addicts will justify any reason to take more) 8. Spaced out. I notice I am not even paying attention to anything my family is saying. And that's not fair to them. They deserve to have me present with them. I realize now why my relationships and friendships crumbled over the years. I was in my own world 24/7. 9. Mood swings. I noticed a more consistent mood while in recovery. It definitely wasn't super stable, but a lot more stable than the highs and lows associated with Adderall usage. That's just off the top of my head. But if anyone has more "cons" they can list, I would be happy to hear them. I need a reality check. I'm glad that I can recognize what Adderall does to me, and I know I am better without it. But I am not sure how I am going to function, especially with a new job. At the end of the day, I cannot stay on Addy forever. I am moving across the country next year and figured I would take 3 months off to recover after I move before I find a new job. But even then..that would mean I just threw away 3, almost 4 months of recovery just recently? There is no easy way around it. I feel like I have to take the leap and just start this job without being medicated. It's going to be uncomfortable and harder than it would normally be. But I really don't see how else I will get clean unless I just do it..
  7. Sigh

    ******I'm just realizing this now, but maybe I should have mentioned before that I've been diagnosed BPD with manic depression. I don't want to potentially mislead anyone who thinks my symptoms may be attributed to Adderall withdrawal when in fact they may be connected to mental illness. That doesn't downplay how shitty it is to withdrawal from Adderall. Yesterday, I was put back on my mood stabilizer for BPD. I should have never come off them. Hopefully, that might take the edge off, and I truly hope I get the balls to flush the Adderall I just purchased today. I'm in such a tough position and I feel like there is no winning to this situation. Yesterday I took a trip to the ER because I was having racing thoughts and suicidal ideation and my therapist mentioned I should go. I had a full assessment done and I had told the Doctor I had come off all of my medication 3 months ago. I told him I was on Adderall XR but I was abusing the medication so I came off of it. This is what's wrong with the world.... For one...I had mentioned I feel like harming myself or someone else and they did not admit me into psych. My file mentions violent tendencies in the past, and I come to you saying I feel suicidal but you discharge me right away. Wtf? Not only that but the Doctor was adamant about me going back on Adderall at 20mg a day to keep me stable. After I just mentioned I discontinued use because I was abusing it. At that moment in time, I was really not strong enough to say no and agreed to it. My brain immediately started freaking out trying to convince me not to take the script, but a small voice was starting to justify that maybe a small dose will help. I filled my meds and already took 3x the prescribed dose before noon today. I felt so confident and top of the world for 2 hours and felt like this may actually work. Until I experienced the crash. Now I feel like a piece of shit and just want to take more Addy. I ain't gonna do it. I came too far. I feel sooooo good on Adderall but it's not sustainable!!! I would have to take a 20mg pill every two hours to keep that feeling up. What kind of life is that. Taking that script was only hurting me more. Now I am reminded how Good I felt on stims, and I am also reminded how shitty I feel without them. I don't know. I don't really know what to do. I'm so tired of being depressed and insecure without Adderall, it's really killing me.
  8. Hi Mischa, Glad you decided to join the forums. I too, experienced severe exhaustion while on Adderall. It would come and go, sometimes it would stay for days or weeks at a time. I would take my XR in the morning, then around 2 and a half hours later, I would be so exhausted I could barely move. It wasn't a feeling of being tired, it was an exhaustive state. My body was heavy and I could barely get up. I would also experience drowsiness when my medication was wearing off in the evening (I often mediated this by taking more Adderall, thus staying up all night and perpetuating my insomnia) It always seemed strange considering Adderall is a stimulant drug that gives you energy. Maybe the drowsiness you experience is from sleep deprivation if you struggle with falling or staying asleep at night. I'm sure there are other components to it though. I remember reading an article on exhaustion caused by Adderall but I can't find it on the internet anymore, it was extremely informative. (Lol I know that doesn't help much) I remember being on anti-depressants a few years ago and I was in a constant, fatigued and zombie state. When I came off them, my energy levels surfaced again. I've found sleep, exercise, staying hydrated and Caffeine (green tea 3x a day for me) have helped keep my energy levels up. I am no longer in an exhaustive state from Adderall cessation, but there are many days where I feel very, very heavy. I hope by browsing around some of these threads you can find the information you need to aid with your journey. Good luck!
  9. I can't move

    Wow...thank you so much for sharing, this was really helpful information. I use to be a beast too. I thought I had it made. I'm not going to lie, my body was in the best shape of my life. I use to work out like crazy, every day, and thought it was a sustainable practice. I too suffered from injury from pushing myself too hard and working out with injuries. I definitely agree that Addy feels like steroids. My workouts now lack in the mental focus which is what pushed me for so long. I use to be a pack a day smoker as well, and I could still bang out 3 hour long workouts. I quit smoking since then. Although I was fit, I was not healthy by any means. I didn't eat all day until 8 pm at night where I would carb load and eat the worst possible foods ever. I was still in a caloric deficit, so I was able to stay super skinny and toned. But I was underweight and probably malnourished. I remember at the tail end of my addiction I was consuming over 200mg of XR a day, I wouldn't eat for 2 or 3 days at a time. Looking back, I don't even know how I survived. Blows my mind. I had a rude awakening when I quit stims. I gained 30 pounds within 6 months and I regret letting myself go. I'm just trying to get back to where I was, but now I'm starting to realize it's going to be tougher than I thought. I have to expel so much more mental energy to stay pumped. Gyms are closed right now which is really killing me. I make time every day to work out, although it's so hard to separate yourself from fitness and personal life while at home in the living room. Quitting addy made me realize how sh*tty my eating patterns were. I still eat in a caloric deficit now, but I eat at regular intervals throughout the day, and my diet is super clean. Staying away from crappy food is a must for my mental health. There is one thing I always remember when it comes to working out: Dedication over motivation. I don't wait to feel motivated to workout. I just do it because that's what I am committed to. Motivation is fleeting and it's not dependable in any way, shape or form
  10. I can't move

    Hey guys, I had a question about workout out, specifically lifting weights. I use to be an avid gym-goer. When I was on Adderall, my workouts at the gym were easy. I had the energy to go another set or two if I needed and I felt like I was always pumped to go the gym no matter what. I have been jumping rope and running while in recovery. My body gets really tired after 10-15 minutes of cardio and I have to take it easy every single workout. I've gotten back into lifting weights at home this week, after taking a year break from going to the gym. I really fell off, but I am determined to get back into shape. I tried doing a ten-minute ab workout today and my muscles were literally screaming in pain that I couldn't move. I know this sounds like a dumb question, but is this pain and weakness from having stagnant muscles for so long, or does this have to do with the low-energy and fatigue that comes with Adderall withdrawal? Will lifting weights and cardio become easier over time now that I am not on Adderall? The only low-impact exercise I can do right now with general ease is Yoga (which is a lifesaver, by the way) I don't remember what it's like to be a beginner at the gym. I don't remember being out of shape, and how long it took me to get in shape. I feel so weak and embarrassed that I have to take such long breaks in between workouts to rest, when I use to be able to power through workouts every single day for years. Thanks for your help!
  11. Bad Day...:( 59 days clean could use some support

    My personal experience with anti-depressants and/or SSRI's is that they made me very foggy, extremely fatigued, and not to mention they took forever to start working. I was on Lexapro and Effexor for a few years at a time and they made me suicidal so I came off them. I also experienced horrible anxiety on these medications and really bad bouts of sleep paralysis! I used to be prescribed 2mg of alprazolam (Xanax) daily and then switched to 2mg of clonazepam daily for anxiety relief. Then I went to rehab and came off all medication. However, I think I am in a good spot now to go back on a low dose of alprazolam. I found, personally, that clonazepam relief lasted longer than Xanax, and a low daily dose just takes the edge of my crippling social anxiety. It truly was a lifesaver for me and was the only thing that allowed me to calm down in social situations. I have to be very careful with benzos because I gain a tolerance pretty quickly. After a while, I was just popping them like smarties. Lol I think I will get a prescription from my doctor and let a family member disperse my daily amount to me. At this point in recovery, I don't trust myself. I now attending EMDR therapy for PTSD and trauma treatment, I have really high hopes for this type of treatment based on my first few sessions.
  12. Bad Day...:( 59 days clean could use some support

    Welcome to the forums. I am right there along there with you...I am 64 days clean from an 80-240 mg XR daily habit and my quit date was May 3rd. I'm excited to hear about your journey to becoming free from Adderall. This is a great community to open up to and receive feedback and advice about daily problems and concerns. Make yourself comfortable. I was addicted to opiates and benzos in my earlier years but managed to get clean through suboxone, and then eventually went off that. Between March of this year up until now, I have given up alcohol, weed, cigarettes, Adderall, and a pretty nasty cocaine habit simultaneously. (I am not trying to brag... this is just what it is. I had planned to do for a long time) I was experiencing severe psychotic manifestations from constant stimulant abuse and I dedicated myself to becoming clean from all mind-altering substances. It has been a lot of ups and downs, a lot of depressed and unbareable days, some 'ok' days and a few great days. The bad days are more prevalent than the good ones as of right now, but based on others experiences- things do get better! I try to remember that every state of mind I am in is temporary and to not attach myself to it as something permanent, because it won't be here forever. I just try to observe my thoughts, my emotions, and my mood as passing clouds...not attaching, just observing (sounds corny, but mindfulness is truly so powerful). At times, I get these 5 second moments of hope where I think "yeah....I can really do this, everything is going to be fine" I hold on to those moments of excitement and hope, they get me by even on my worst days. I have suffered anxiety and depression most of my teenage and adult life, I use to cope with this by using drugs and drinking excessively. Now, I force myself to work out on a daily basis, make sure to keep a consistent sleep schedule (for me it's early to bed, early to rise), keeping my eating as clean as can be and just over-all taking care of myself in every aspect. I make self-care and recovery my number one priority, every day. I struggle with anger and a hot temper, lifting weights and kick-boxing has been a lifesaver for cooling down. I empathize with getting annoyed with everything everyone does. I still feel that way and generally have no tolerance for anything that is slightly irritating to me. I'm hoping as I grow in recovery, this too will change, but I feel like this has always been my personality lol Binge-eating was a problem for me too, until I stepped on the scale and realized I gained 30 pounds in 6 months! That's when I really started to dedicate myself to clean eating and exercise. So far I am losing weight, and nothing feels better than being fit and healthy and in shape. When it comes to losing weight- portion control and drinking water throughout the day to curb hunger would be my biggest advice! Do you know the body often mistakes thirst for hunger? A lot of the time that we think we are hungry, we are actually thirsty, so instead of snacking I started drinking water instead and there is a huge difference in the amount of food I eat now. Honestly, for me, I joined WW and it's been a Godsend for keeping me on track! Trust me, I completely empathize with everything you're saying, just be patient and take everything day by day. Don't worry about how you will feel tomorrow, 2 weeks or in 6 months. Just focus on the day in front of you. Anything beyond that will burn you out. Wishing you the best of luck! God bless
  13. It's okay

    Thank you so much
  14. It's okay

    Hey friends, I have had a pretty rough week. After a relapse yesterday, I felt like I have been knocked off my game. However, I am feeling a lot stronger today and even more prepared to do what's necessary to remain clean. I had an epiphany today that was really earth-shattering to me. I have been stressing out over the way I am being perceived by people for so many years and I came to a new conclusion today. This sounds like common sense- but something just hit me differently today. These statements have a new meaning to me-- It is really okay if I am going through a time where I am quiet. It is okay if I am feeling socially awkward right now. It is okay if I feel like I am boring and have nothing to offer. Even if these statements are not true, it is okay if they are. If someone calls me out on it, I am okay with it. I am taking responsibility for it first. When we accept who we really are, no one can use our flaws against us. I am taking the power away from the thing that I fear most. Things will not always be like this. I am tired of caring about what people think about me. So.. who cares? It takes sooo much out of you to try to win over the approval of other people..at a certain point you just learn to...let go. If you don't like me, so be it. When we are in recovery, we only have so much mental energy to expend. I feel like I have been spending most of that energy on hiding the way I feel in fear of being judged or ridiculed. I'm really and truly over it. You spend so much time worrying about one thing, ruminating the same fear over and over, that you eventually realize it's just not worth it. I feel like something has been lifted off me and I feel so free. Sometimes things get so bad in life that it pushes you to the point where you just gotta laugh it off. Also, I am giving myself permission to feel however I need to on a day to day basis. I'm not going to judge myself for feeling depressed, anxious, or any other negative emotion. Not only are these feelings fleeting but they are not permanent either. Your emotions and feelings are never an accurate representation of your true character. Sometimes we can't get rid of negative emotions but we can disarm them by taking away the power they use to control us. Hope everyone is doing well
  15. 16 Months Update - Feeling better

    I thought I was the only one dealing with dissociation/derealisation and feeling like I am schizophrenic!! The brain truly needs time to get back to normal..the least we can do is give ourself some grace to allow that to happen.