GeorgiaRigby

Hey PD5!! I'm here and I am so glad you came on here to tell us your story , even just the parts that seemed relevant during the time you took to type things out... I am 29 and right now as nauseous as I've felt (feeling this way every day for years for atleast an hour or so a day) but today it's been BAD. Like I can't swallow well bad. Like my head is as heavy as I've ever felt it and my actual brain feels dizzy... and I just took .5 mg of alprazolam to calm down. I'm so glad to have found your post. I have been taking adderall for what feels and I think might be 12 ish years.... I take 70-120+ mg a day and have been for so long. I count how many pills I have untill my next fill every day, sometimes a few times a day. I also am prescribed up to 1.5mg or alprazolam a day (I used to not even think of it or take a tiny little piece, but I have gotten into the habit of taking .5mg during day and maybe another at night. If I'm really feeling scared about how worried and sad I feel, I'll take the whole pill with a glass of wine and maybe a bowl of weed ready. All of this is so silent and so underpinning. Nobody knows what doing and how im abusing drugs to get through my life right now: my boyfriend and maybe my best friend... but also the people on this site ... @DelaneyJulietteespecially has brought so much value to my life, reminding me that my perspective can shift and I can feel good about myself. I know what you mean about not feeling a genuine laugh or smile. I have been saying this for so long, I don't remember what it feels like to have a big belly laugh. I don't have the discipline to not try to feel something better every five seconds. I feel like my soul is going to die eventually, even though I still want SO much out of life... I'm not okay. Good for you for taking this time and getting off of it, even if for short spurts.

I tell myself this all the time the past week or so, that it will pass! @DelaneyJulietteHas said this same thing to me many times. I almost remind myself as I am feeling these waves of sadness and weirdness that it must just be my mind and brain healing and repairing itself. Thank Goodness for you guys. Soul family. There is nothing like this drug and the way it has taken over life as I've known it.

Yes, I want to be in!!

I'm here you guys. I've made a few different accounts also- equally devastating to read back some of that stuff. I feel it also but I'm here.. I'm going to keep showing up on this site every day. All it takes is a handful of us. We can do that. But I definitely need the love if I'm going to make it through. I have never help me order in my entire life. The underlying sadness just trying to taper feels like it might kill me. Sending love.

Yeah, I fucking can't believe it but I would have had a newborn by now. I need to come back on here to write later tonight.

I'm so glad you found this post!!! Thank you for bringing light back to this!!

Yep me too!!

How is this second day going??? I loved what you said and reminded us of, "that was then and this is now" because that actually kind of makes it more interesting., Also, what would it mean for us if this Drug actually didn't have that much of an effect on us and it was all in our head... What if it was a placebo? What if we have no idea the PAWS will be all that strong? What if nothing happens? What it right. This. Moment. We could just BE

I am too. I decided to watch this movie and the girls are "not even 29 but 28" and one is a receptionist and she's just feeling like she can't sit on the floor in airports anymore or wear jumpers and it totally messed me up this morning. I can't believe how I've always felt about myself and facing this last year in my twenties is really fucking with me... I take the little orange pill when I want to stop feeling like a worthless, friendless person. And bam, I come on here and act absurd and randomly write things like this. Where do you go when you want to go back?

Yes we can!!!! I didn't take my pills today, either! It's one day for me also. You are worth it!!!!!!

This mean You have encouraged me like no other. I am so thankful for you!!! This really pushes me to do this damn thing. I can't be all that terrible because like you said, theres not a whole lot of quit lit out there!!! You could do this too. I love reading your words.

I literally am too.. I am so thankful for your post on here, I NEEDED to hear your kind words. I couldn't relate more to what you're saying... I am constantly trying to think of all the tweaks and surgeries I could get that would give me just some sort of comfort and a final put together. It's always sort of this underbelly of everything I try to do in life. It's unbearable. I feel the same that I need to look a certain way for people to care, notice, accept, love. Yeppp.... And inside my mind and heart I'm just messy and all over the place. And I feel like I'm not relating to other people (atleast I'm just hard enough on myself to constantly wonder that...) Thank you for saying that what I wrote helped you.. I am going to stay much closer to these and work on truly writing things out and not being a million thoughts in every direction but too lazy to sit down and write. Thank you so much for encouraging me.

I am at my desk at a new job that is a good opportunity for me. I’ve been working on real estate, but that will take time to build up and honestly my bravery in doing that was surprising. I know I can make that a venture that I find purpose and success through, but I didn’t want to not diversify myself with other opportunities and develop my skillset further. I am not an expert on any one thing, my talents haven’t necessarily been nurtured because of my own undoings. I knew as soon as I took this job that I would need to figure out a plan. This week, I've been taking upwards of 90mg ^ a day... For. no. reaI. reason. have been absolutely abusing my medication for years. [ 60 + mg a day + (.5-1.5 mg alprazolam)... I spend 250 dollars a month to get more because I run out. I take a half while I’m at a stop sign getting ready to meet someone for coffee, I’ll take one to wake up in the morning and be a person, I’ll split another to take in the bathroom or the restaurant when I’m out to eat with my boyfriend and feeling mopey and empty inside. When will I be a person again? I was waking myself up crying for a long time over the past few years, for weeks or periods of time. I’ve had two abortions because I am so confused in my mind and this is the last year of my twenties. I have had trouble with myself and my mental health since I was young. I have seen therapists and doctors over and across my life, and medications have been a constant for me-almost 12 years of pretty heavy shit. I spend too much time on my appearance and worrying about that to compensate for the chaos inside my heart. I constantly worry about my hair, buying new makeup/researching makeup/skincare, botox, thinking about plastic surgery’s I’d like to get, whether or not I’m fuckable… Yeah, it’s not cute and I’ve probably lost you as I sound like a complete narcissistic bitch of a person. I promise that I’m not, deep in my soul I am someone with a lot of love to give and a lust for life…. I am feeling so physically sick right now I could cry. I am frightened by the way that I am abusing my own body. I swallow a little doll there and a little doll here to feel good enough to walk into a room or to wake up from an alprazolam induced slumber (no REM sleep). My best friends are these pills... And they don't like me very much at all... I vocalize these things constantly to myself, but I am not sure how, after all these years, I will get through the comedown which supposedly can take 1-3 years… Recovery is of course nonlinear, but the thought of a month or two of being physically, mentally, and emotionally useless terrifies me. I don’t have much confidence in myself because of the artificial dopamine I ingest to feel worthy. What will I do? I hear others laughing with each other all around… I can’t physically laugh. I try to practice faking it so that people don’t think I am a total bitch for not “enjoying the jokes or the conversations”. It’s almost like I’m too out of breath or too nauseous to laugh…. Or that my brain is just not working anymore… That’s another thing.. Stuttering and word finding. I catch myself frequently forgetting words or what I was trying to say. An entire point I am making will dissipate into thin air as I’m attempting to make it. On top of the physical withdrawals of being off of these drugs, what about the Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS). I’m not ready to feel fully suicidal and like life isn’t worth it randomly over the course of years after quitting the substances. I have bouts of this regardless of being on or off meds. like I'm going to through up. The road ahead is so daunting , I might as well take another dosage to feel better for an hour. I read all of your posts and admire you all so much. I am truly ranting my way through this post today but I needed to get some of this out and into the ethers.... I made a "podcast" that could detail some of my experiences... LOL. I know no one will listen and that's okay. I need to listen to my own voice remind me of all the things.... Too much goes on in my mind to retrieve and make sense of much... anchor.fm/erin-quinn Love to you all

Same!! I feel the same way. So inspiring!!

Sirod, you are doing okay!!! I know you are feeling so much, gosh it really did come through in your writing and I can imagine that feeling after having quit this shit for such an impressive period of time...Good for you... It's okay to feel this exhausted!! I can't speak on it being 5 months as I have barely gone more than 11 days and recently only singular days. I have felt this way even taking the medication recently. So fucking tired and just heavy heavy heavy. I know what you mean about wondering how people are going to feel when you are doing worse or having a hard time. I can't stand the feeling of having to worry about not "showing up" bubbly and happy or energised. I don't want anyone to feel like I'm not happy to see them, glad to be there, enjoying myself. Why is this??? Nobody is really thinking these things!!! People love you as you and however you feel and show up on any given day or within any experience. We contain multitudes and our expression is layered but our own. This is to be something we celebrate in ourselves but also in others... You are wonderful and can feel however you need and still be loved and celebrated. Hope that helps? I am needing to hear something so similar myself!!

Hey Delaney! Oh my gosh we should exchange numbers or I will just check this every morning. I relate so much. I feel like I haven’t been able to really get on here because I’ve been taking my medicine. I wake up crying I have no idea what I’m doing with my life and feel I just want to get ahead before I quit so I can actually have momentum with my career or knowing I can be somewhat confident or something more than crying and tearful constantly. I am going to come back tonight on my computer and talk with you!!! I am sending love .

Ugh, I have no energy tonight but everything you say is helping me. I am going to try this. I am devastated that I got back on this. I am devastated the decisions I have made for staying on adderall. I am coming on a little later once I have some energy tonight and I'm cozy in bed.... Thank you for everything!!!!

Your words mean so much to me. I have been feeling really sad. I am re reading all of this and want to respond to it once I have a little energy later. You are simply the best. Coming Back on here soon... sending love

Oh I feel your pain....I am so sorry about your sister... And you are doing your best and your family must know this. I know what you mean also about feeling weird about how much others struggle with everyday things not by choice, I even get jealous of just how many people are out doing anything and everything, making videos or writing e-books or starting small companies and I can barely figure anything out whatsoever, even with medication... I feel my brain is total mush right now, too.... And I took my medications today and for no reason and now I feel miserable about myself and my future. I have always loved the Book "Romancing The Ordinary" by Sarah Ban Breathnach. Gosh I am sorry to be so lame tonight and thoughtless. I want to feel goofy and thriving someday. However those two can go together? xxx

I took my medication today, I'm so bummed. I have a migraine and I don't feel anything today.. I want to try again tomorrow. Sending love right back and support vibes!!!!!!

Oh my goodness, I have been watching Yellowstone, also!! What a great show... I also sort of giggled at the adderall reference. I also relate so much to Beth's crying in the bathroom after seeing her dad and nephew together.. There is so much inner-child work I think our specific group needs to put in. I feel so afraid and so small sometimes. I am also amazed at the support my boyfriend has been giving me also. I was laughing for real (out loud laughs) because I have been hyper fixated on the fact that others around me have these loud, belly laughs about everything and anything and I was even attempting to learn to "fake laugh" just to make sure others around me know that I am enjoying myself.... I couldn't even get fake laughs out on this medication. I took 11 days off and then for a couple of days went back on and over the weekend and up until today I haven't taken any. Sometimes I convince myself that things will also be more enjoyable or that I will love life again and feel the magic if I can just take a little bit.... But I even was able to laugh today without taking them and even though I've been by myself all day (my boyfriend and I had covid together and quarantined for 3 weeks) I did alright... Although I cried myself asleep and awake again knowing how much I would miss him being here and the feelings of being alone with all of this terrify me! Then I remembered to come on here and talk with all of you and get my mind in a place that can feel there is love around me and people that are also experiencing this also.

You are right, let's be easy on ourselves!!! We take these little orange pills to be brave or to feel more ready or capable or beautiful- it's us at the end of the day that really makes things happen, not the pill!! Our soul and essence shines through any medicated version of ourselves and we have to always attach ourselves to that soul/spirit and give him/her a hug...

Hi Delaney! I hope you are being kinder and easier on yourself!! You are just fine, whatever it takes to be in the right place for YOU is alright, you aren't hurting anybody by declaring that your last day was such and such... It really is not important, what's important is that you have been on your healing journey and putting the work in to better yourself and how you feel. This is hard work and much more than most people, (recovering people or not!) are doing in their day to day... I know that feeling of being a "little kid". and like you're "in trouble", but however you feel is OK! and I think your husband is going to understand and I hope that he has shifted his perspective on this. That feeling of being raw, I feel that so much in the mornings and going to bed. The alternating between sobbing and sleeping, yep!!! I wake myself up and fall asleep crying and I just have to remind myself that this is my healing journey!! I know I'm not all that helpful right now and my brain is having trouble with word finding... I am just so sorry you are going through this time but know that you are loved by your family and others on here!! We can get through all of it.

Also, I don't mean to say that it was no big deal. I know it's better that I keep this going. I know that. xxx

Wowww!! I can feel the hope in your writing! I caved in yesterday and today. I love that your a mama of 4!!! Go you!!! I was on day 11 I think, but I decided that it would make it worse and harder to just "never" do this or take these again because it would become something that would be much bigger than I want it to? I'm not sure my logic, but yeah I feel such a strong headache and a sense of weirdness today for sure. I wish I had so much time to heal and laugh again. I can't even form sentences. Sending love and hope you have a great time visiting them and that you go EASY ON YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF!!