GeorgiaRigby

Oh, that's soo good to hear!!! What feels different today!!

I know how you are feeling so much. I have had my bottle in my purse or near me for the past 7 days now and it's totally my little bestie (just in case)... There seems to be so much true pressure on the whole "never take any ever, ever again" thing.... And that makes me feel like I don't want to make that a thing because then after a certain amount of days it will truly be BAD to have "caved" as you put it so well.. Do you know what I mean? Like it's almost safer to feel like taking it every few days or when I feel like I "want" it compared to never getting to take this again. And my goodness I'd hope that this type of language and thought process doesn't set you or anyone else back as it's just the opposite I'm sure, the pressure is in letting it be so powerful and "unimportant"... Kind of like the more you want something the more you separate yourself from having it... I always loved the book "Valley of the Dolls" because it makes me feel so differently about myself and this attachment to these pills- I need them because they are my friends and they help keep me brave... Bullshit. I am so afraid of the fact that I have also been taking alprazolam for years and years for the comedown or sleeping part of my life where I need to turn my scared brain off so that I can be calm enough to drift away. I especially worry about never feeling happy again with "nothing" because I have been binging in a serious way on sweets and Mexican, Italian, pastas, breads, butters.... Replacing one thing with another, always. I feel I am talking in circles but I just am also here to say that I"m here for you and I'm glad we are talking this through- all of us on here!! xxx

Thank you thank you!! What a wonderful response and one that I am holding on to for the rest of this week. I needed it, thank you truly!!! Also, congrats on 4 1/5 months!!!!! wow!!!!!

I know exactly what you are talking about!! Oh my goodness, it's so sweet of you to say that you are impressed and encouraging me to keep going means the world. I feels much what you are describing about worrying about failing... I'm so glad you are here, also and I think you should feel so proud of yourself that you are a parent and a spouse and you have friends and community because those things are seemingly (and for me a lot of days) so hard to nurture and keep up on. I think it has to be about cherishing the good and it's overdone maybe but the entire "gratitude" mindset is maybe completely IT for how to survive this life... That along with learning about the Enneagram or astrology or the seasons changing... Those are some other paths of thought that have helped me get out of this other space my brain created so long ago!! I am so afraid of the fact that hard work truly scares me to my core unless it can be something that I really love which makes me feel privileged and annoying and honestly just entitled for no reason when so many people spend their entire lives working and putting forth efforts that didn't necessarily make them "feel purpose or happiness"... They just did it. I have been trying to be a realtor for 2 years now and it's been weird for me because I would and have taken my adderall or my Xanax just to feel confident enough to put myself in front of others to try to see who might need my "help"... Spending so much time in my head considering the amount of people in this world with talents in all types of things: the consistent effort certain creators put into making videos or putting out their work, anything from dancing to makeup tutorials to financial coaching, anything! and how much time that must take and how they have it within them to do it and have discipline to push through the uncomforts that always stand next to uncertainty. Not knowing that it will mean anything or that anyone will see or care and that you might need to put out a hundred of something before getting any love for it. It feels too much, like I'll never amount to anyone or do anything at all... Oh, I know I'm talking all over the place and I can feel my brain struggling to access how I really feel or having words to describe the fears I feel every morning waking up. The tears. Anyway, I am making hardly a sense of anything at all but I think that must mean that my brain is healing. Sending love!!! Let's stay talking!!!

Oh lord do I feel this. The awkward feeling. It feels icky it sucks so much. This is end of my fifth day. I feel so weird in my bones.

You guys are the best. I've been insufferable today... acting like my child self and crying and whining and oh boy. I took this little pill called "No Doz" and it might make me feel a little peppier which I just feel is better than nothing at all... I have had my bottle of the amphetamines near me all these days just to have it "in case"... I have what feels like very few friends, but you guys I will already consider as dear friends of mine and I have so much love to give!!! At risk of sounding so corny haha! I know I'm all over the place. Sometimes I'm too lazy to even write comments at all... But maybe we can keep on chattingHopefully and Delaney!! I need to get back to myself and stop isolating and feeling this stuck in my heart and throat chakras!!! xxx

Hi Delaney! I am somehow on my second day today, although I wasn't really sure I was going to really do this for real.. I'm so scared also. I feel worthless. Sending love.

Hi everybody! I really wanted to start out by saying that the work the administrators do for this site and within these forums is just phenomenal; I'm truly inspired and in complete admiration of all of you on here sharing your stories and helping each other get through this. I don't really know where else I would turn. I come onto this site often... I've been feeling overwhelmed for years, especially the last two. I wake myself up sobbing and fall asleep that way too. I've been taking Adderall or Vyvanse since I was 17, and I'm 28 now. I've been at a pretty high dose this entire time, really. 60-75 MG (some days, much more) I've somehow managed to find five separate doctors throughout the different periods in my life, (high-school, start of college in Tucson, Arizona, 2 separate doctors I found in Los Angeles (one after I moved to another, further out location), and then again back here in Minnesota. It does seem like I've been abusing this entire time. Mostly around 70 mg daily, in addition to an alprazolam prescription that I take as well (.5-1.5 mg) . That's been long-term as well. I found out a couple of weeks days ago that I'm pregnant. I got off my birth control a couple of months ago, and we were not trying at all. I've been on and off so many forums looking up whether or not you can even take during pregnancy. Of course, the assumption would be that continuing the medication would be harmful to baby. On top of that, I don't know what I need to do here. I don’t know how I can go through with this, I feel disgusting as a person for thinking this way… I am terrified and afraid every day. I don't know how to exist in the world that I have created for myself- a pretty small one. With regard to the pregnancy, I can't stand myself for having to think this way, but I have scheduled and rescheduled several appointments to terminate. I have one for Thursday of this coming week. I don't know what I should do. I want to be a mom terribly, but not like this. I'm so afraid of the journey ahead: I don't even have stable work and it overwhelms me tremendously to think of the number of ways to make an income and the number of days I've gone without one. I am so afraid of everything, and my anxiety is killing me. I am in bed now, knowing that I have this soul inside of my body and I'm not sure what to do. I haven't been taking my medications and I don't know how I will sleep. My heart feels gone from my body. I've come on here so often, and really just can't believe the people who are not only sharing their stories by helping other people get through this. Taking away the Adderall, marijuana, the constant stimulation of television and films, books laying about; I don't know how to even be a person. Things tend to overwhelm me, which is why I'm starting to cry again. I'm second-guessing why am even writing this. I sound and feel so helpless. My motivation is so minimal that as much as I come up with in my head that I should be learning, doing, seeing, visiting - I stay stuck. I don’t really expect much can be replied to here! I know I have said a lot without asking much at all. I just feel so alone in my mind and heart. I don’t know how to survive this. Sending love and will return again and again! Thanks, Erin.

Trepid

This is so cool to read. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I'm really happy that you were able to get through leaving this behind and getting on with the life you were meant to have. I sincerely appreciate you sharing this!

Hi Taylor. I am so here for you. I don't have much energy today to say much other than that!!!. I don't even know if I should be allowed to post as I just filled a month script this morning. I am laying in bed sighing such deep breaths because I feel I'll be sick if I don't and somehow these weird breaths are going through me. My heart is fluttering so oddly and I am so dizzy I can literally feel the toxicity in my blood from taking too much all the time. Let's take it day by day!!!! Y

Hello!! So nice to meet you and read about your story and get to know your situation. I just logged back on here after months of being away. You are in a good position, especially when thinking about my own situation, comparatively! Your 20 mg is a much smaller dosage and some coffee and dip I can't imagine are too much more to add on! I think you will be able to get through this much better than you realise!! I have been experiencing the heart things also, I'm 28. I haven't been on here in a while and I'd hope this didn't read or come off as some kind of competition, ha!! I'm just trying to let you feel the situation as a little less heavy and overwhelming as you maybe felt you had started from. So much comes from right inside of our minds! I have totally missed my laugh also, it's much harder to physically find a laugh when I'm stimulated.. Cool thing on the fence, fun project and will add so much value to your home!! Hope you are doing as well as possible. I'm so afraid of getting through this. The food, oh goodness. I just love to self soothe. We'll all help eachother !!

@Ruby I am so glad I came back on here tonight. I am feeling the lowest of lows in my life. I didn't keep up with stopping the adder all and have been taking that dosage and more just to self sooth or whatever. It makes me so sick... Gosh am I nauseous and crying so much. I am so afraid every day how I feel. So much is appearance related. Body image or something so devastating that is so trivial in reality. Gosh, your comment really did brighten my spirit. I think I might stop this from now on. I don't know how to survive this way. Sending love to you!! I'll try to keep coming back here.

Hi Ruby!! First of all, that's incredible!!! I am so proud of you having been off this since August?! That's so good. I tried to "stop" a month ago and it was three days and I was happy with myself but then I got right back to taking it. I have been on 70+ mgs (depending on each day I guess) for almost a decade !! I have been feeling horrific for months and need to stop taking this drug. I can't physically laugh when I am medicated, but the three days I was off I cried and sobbed for hours, (I cry every morning these days also, oddly?). But, all I can say is maybe if we continue to come onto these boards and share and talk with each other, maybe that will help us... You are doing so well, so much further along than I am. I am really thinking that I need to get on here more, even if it's just one little reply like I'm doing now to talk with you. I wish I had more advice but I am sort of just here tonight deciding that I am going to keep coming back on here to hopefully meet you and others so we can help each other feel better. Sending my love and a huge hug!!!

I appreciate this so much. I definitely was reading through your posts last night and thinking how much I felt I was relating!!, i That's phenomenal how far you have come, 21 months is just impossible for me to imagine right now. You are right about the non-regret, and I know it to my core. I have been trying to tell myself and my thoughts that I would never regret actually trying. I would never regret going for it. It's maybe like how I read about our biological reaction to anxieties mirroring the reactions we'd have biologically to excitement. When I am feeling the overwhelm and the fear, I can invite it in because for all my body knows, I'm actually excited! Who really knows, all I know all of a sudden, again, is that this is only the second day, and I'm barely half way through... This is going to be much harder than I anticipated and I am definitely feeling queasy thinking about the journey ahead and the toll it's going to take on all things, really. Thank you for your reply and for connecting with me on here! Back to that, YOU inspired me and gave my mind a few topics to ponder!

Ugh, what a true thing you said!! All of it! I truly appreciate you taking the time to respond and give me a little clarity, even on something so simple! I have found my tribe I think?! Finally, I don't feel so alone,

Just wanted to make sure I let you all know that I didn't realise I was liking every single thing of one person or another person's content and maybe coming off really weird! I'm new to this for sure!

Hi everybody, I hope everyone’s doing OK and getting through this time. I’ve come on and off this site so many times, with or without my contacts in, 11 in the morning or three in the morning, it varies and my experiences haven’t changed much day to day and month to month. I haven't gotten better and I don't feel in control. Of course not. Although, knowing that this interface and that you all exist, gives me somewhere to turn. I suppose I could say that I didn’t take it at all today, although it kept me a bit happy knowing that I always could decide to. I’m not sure what would be triggering, so I don’t really want to go into that as much. I suppose all of us have had that feeling knowing that it’s there to take. Something about it gives me strength, even though it’s so much the opposite. I’m feeling a little snips of a horrifying sadness, and that makes me really really afraid of what’s to come for me. I’ve been on Adderall since I was 16 years old, pretty much taking 70 mg every day. I remember how it made me feel back then, in fact I believe I was on Vyvanse for the end of high school most if not all of college, along with a “booster” amphetemine for afternoons. I don’t take breaks. I won’t dare take the weekend off, either! how could I enjoy the marvelous colors and smells of changing seasons? how could I be confident to step out into the world on my own? I wake up in my first thoughts have to do with my dose and I completely depend on it to feel confident, to get myself going, beautiful, etc. I get on here and I read through these forums, some of the posts are so detailed with paragraphs and paragraphs of descriptions and insights. I can’t believe how many posts get so in depth about the different supplements to introduce when quitting. I can’t imagine knowing that much about pharmaceuticals or medicinal solutions... about any one thing, really. For me, it’s hard enough doing anything at all, by the time I read a couple paragraphs, it’s done. I can’t stay on it any longer, it’s far too overwhelming (this is on me and not this forum!) It seems like everything will and can overwhelm me scary scary easily and quickly. My mind is consumed with so much clutter.... especially when I get on forums and see that people have been on Adderall for three months end at 20 mg a day… I’ve been on at least 70 mg, mostly abusing it lately (I’ll take extras, pop a pill in the bathroom out to lunch with my boyfriend, take one when I’m feeling sad, when I want to feel confident or more beautiful....) and almost 10 years of my life now. I’m also very feminine and have lots of worries about appearance and weight and all of the shit as well. I wake up so scared when I cry and sob my way through life right now… I really need help but I don’t know where to start and how to stick with it. I am trying to romanticize life in every way, I have magazines out with a movie on, paint my toes while spritzing perfume and eating chocolates. I’m not sure how to live right now. I’ve rewritten this post a dozen times because I’m afraid I’m not acknowledging all the other people on here that need help and that are suffering. I see while I am here for you right back. I guess they’re just so many things, so many worries, so much noise. I’m so afraid of what I will feel like to be done with this. I’m afraid that I’ll take a day by day and feel confident one day or the next things are going to be OK and then Bam it’ll hit me that this is a fucking nightmare and it will be years before I feel even normal again. It also overwhelmes me to think that there is NO way that quitting Adderall will be easier than this forum makes it seem. Could it possibly not be this horrible to withdraw? There is a deep sadness in the pit of my stomach right now and I'm pretty afraid of my own feelings and suicidal ideations and fears. Also, what about marijuanna? I love to smoke as well, can I keep that up at least? Can I try to get through this in an easier way? How much time do I need to spend researching and reading about the supplements and the helpful things... It all ends up overwhelming me into a darker and darker place of gloom. Love to you all. Thank you.