sarahCaKes

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10 Good

About sarahCaKes

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    Newbie
  • Birthday 11/29/1986

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Jeffersonville, IN
  1. How do I prepare?

    I've been without it before, maybe just a few days but sometimes a few weeks. I remember at the end of the weeks without it, I get super anxious and can't wait to have it again...kind of not remembering the horrible come downs and side effects. I just fear that always being my life. I've placed this drug on a pedestal, I've made it out to be some super drug that fixes anything and everything. but you're right, it's all just been a lie.
  2. How do I prepare?

    I am just not sure how I can possibly live the rest of my life without ever touching this stuff again? How will I not crave the incredible (but yet, unretainable) feelings of being better, doing better and life generally feeling tolerable? How will I deal with the cravings? I feel like I know I need to quit but I am not okay with living uncomfortable or in need of something so badly forever. It will always be something I want and think about. I know it sounds negative or like I'm justifying using- I'm just extremely worried that I'm going to always wonder what I would accomplish if I had it, therefore having to go on everyday forever...just wanting it.
  3. get me OFF this freakin' rollercoaster: part 2

    thanks so much for your reply. I agree. let's do this together and be the great mommies we were meant to be 😊
  4. Man, I am in absolute shock that it has been almost a year since I last posted! Unfortunately, another year of my life completely wasted to fucking adderall. Adderall has officially controlled my life for seven years now. Its amazing that a year ago is when I thought I had finally hit rock bottom..decided to stop taking the shit, went to a counselor, told my doctor, went to meetings, found this site, etc. And look at me now-way worse than before. In fact, I would do anything to go back to where I was a year ago. The person I have become is beyond sickening. I avoid mirrors at all cost so that I do not have to see this disgusting excuse of a wife and mother. I only lasted about two weeks without adderall the last time I tried to quit. I eventually went back to the same doctor with whom I admitted to abusing my prescription and she basically just wrote me a new script and said "dont do that again." I said, "ok," and that was that. It was the same downward spiral as before and I'd run out in just a week with twenty days until I could get more. However, since my husband also has a prescription (from the same damn doctor), he would fill his in the middle of my not having any-so I'd basically only have to pull my hair out for just a week before I could get more. During this week though I would exhaust any and all resources to find stimulants. I have a friend who's boyfriend is prescribed 50mg Vyvanse and he'd sell me some to make it through. I would still need more and more and more though. I went back to my doctor to try to increase the dose as she's done so many times before, but due to much more strict narcotic/controlled substance laws in Indiana-she became more cautious and aware of the situation and denied the increase in dosage but still allowed my current scripts. However, at this point in school (graduating RN program), clinicals were longer and work was more intense-I felt the need for something more. Not to mention, marital problems ensued and I was beginning to go out with friends on a nightly basis. I soon dabbled in cocaine for the first time. Honestly, I know nothing about coke, but I felt nothing from it and thankfully didn't keep trying to. Evidently though, I did a butt load and my dumbass was drug tested at the doctors office prior to picking up my adderall script a few days later. I cannot even tell you why in the hell I didnt think about the 'whole having to pee in a cup thing' after I freakin' did cocaine but the drug test takes five seconds to read so the doctor came into the room all crazy and pretty much dismissed me from the office (after I caused a huge scene, denied everything and they ended up sending it off to be tested-only to receive an incredibly embarrassing phone call a few days later to confirm that I indeed tested positive for some ungodly amount of cocaine in my urine). So then life pretty much seemed over with. I almost didnt graduate because every night I was binge drinking, driving drunk, cheating, lying and living this stupid, wild, i-dont-give-a-shit-if-i-die life. My husband continued to get his adderall and gave most of it to me to shut me up because I became this horrible, selfish excuse of a woman. The vyvanse guy became my only desperate option at times and to make things even better-he began only giving it to me if I'd 'hang-out' with him. My low-life ass would do it too. His girlfriend was a friend of mine! Who in the fuck am I? I am terrible. I did not pass the nursing boards because I stopped caring. It is hard to even type that sentence-for as hard as I worked in school, all those hours, tears and time away from my family-for me to admit that I just havent cared is...just completely insane.There are so many more gruesome examples of how I have become this evil, sick, disgusting person the past year, but I think youre getting the picture. Anyhow, soon after the doctor dismissed me, I began seeing a doctor I had seen years ago who first prescribed me adderall. He took me right in, didnt question the years I hadnt been seen in the office, and didnt request medical records-and there it was again. A new script of adderall, full circle, right back where it all began, same office and all. Now, I am here. Out of pills earlier and earlier-taking up to 15 pills in 24 hrs. Ive noticed little side effects though. Ive noticed my inability to think, like really think about things as I once did. It's not so much that scatter-brained, all over the place, adderall-type of experience, but it's more like a superficial sense of reality-an inability to seek further or deeper within myself. Emotionless. I literally cannot feel. Also, my memory is so far gone. I am forgetting things on a daily basis. I hate me. I do not care what happens to me. How can I feel this way? I have two small children who are my world, whom I love dearly. I know some may argue that I dont love them or I'd get better, do better and be a better mother-but my struggles and this war I am fighting have become so far out of my control that I don't feel like this addiction is even a choice anymore. It never was. It is a disease that swallowed me whole and is continuing to eat me alive. The past year has been unbelievable to say the least. I do not know who I am. I keep making terrible decisions, same mistakes over and over, I continue to hurt anyone and everyone around me, and it all seems so damn unreal. My mood swings are out of control. The comedowns are getting darker and darker. I am not who I used to be and I hate it. I am back to wanting this shit out of my life, but the thought of living life craving something that has controlled my every move for so long just seems like a death sentence. I am already in a horrific, dark, lonely place with just a little ray of sunshine every once in awhile-but if you take away that sunshine, I'll have nothing left.
  5. get me OFF this freakin' rollercoaster!!!

    hello all. I wish I could say I was doing better but not so much. I thought I was doin the right thing going to a counselor but now I find that my doctor is completely offended and I think she feels as though I'm "ratting her out" because after telling her my struggle she more or less asked, "we'll what do you want from me?" or "what do u want me to do about it?" This has made me feel kind of silly for even seeking help to be honest. I sort of made up my mind to just not go back to my doc...like ever again...but I struggle with just going back as scheduled and getting my usual script...cause hey, she doesn't think what I've been doing or what I'm going thru is a big deal. I know the right answer is to find a new doc or new counselor.. but I'm also trying to live life and find myself on my own. I will keep u updated. I still thank god for this site! thanks everyone!!
  6. get me OFF this freakin' rollercoaster!!!

    I have actually gone to a counselor. And it just so happens that this particular counselor is affiliated with the doctor who writes my scripts. I am not sure if it would be a breech of confidentiality for him to tell my doc what Ive told him, but I am going to go ahead and assume he has or will. This has prevented the urge to go back and get more. I am down to the last pill today and am completely fearful of my days ahead. I have also gone to a NA meeting and this has helped. I am worried that I will get those desperate feelings of finding something/anything to get through the day, resorting to buying/finding some kind of stimulant. However, I am just going to take it day by day. Thats all we can all do. Thanks so much for your post!
  7. Evansville, IN

    I am from jeffersonville, IN. I cannot find much support here. NA scares me too much.
  8. a hope for calm in the storm

    I feel your pain. I just so happened to have just found this site too, and I am so freakin happy I did. These stories are so motivating for me to quit this awful drug. I used to think that being addicted to adderall wasn't a real addiction, but am so pleased to find that in fact, it is. I hate that others are suffering from this, but am glad to know that I am not alone. You aren't alone either. I truly hope we can find the strength to recover.
  9. So, I don't even know where to begin? I need help and know it, but am reluctant to give it up. Does this sound familiar? In fact, I don't want to at all.....but things are only getting worse, and I feel like I am at war with myself....every...fucking..day. It all started in high school. I tried it. I loved it. The only way to get it was to steal it from a brother of a friend without anyone knowing. This went on for maybe two months and I don't even think I cared when I couldn't get anymore. I guess then I just moved on to something different. I mean high school was just a joke to me, I only cared about getting high, and didn't care where the high came from. Needless to say, my mother caught on and I got a lovely two week vacation in a traumatizing rehab for teens. For some reason, after I got out of there, I had no desire to touch drugs. I was scared to death of even being around drugs or people that did them because I never wanted to go back to such a place. I ended up starting college, working three jobs and staying busy. Everything was fine. I found a great guy, moved out, had a kid and stayed in school. It was when I started nursing school that shit spiraled out of control again. I met a girl in school that just happened to take adderall xr-25mg. We became best friends really fast and I was constantly staying with her or she was staying over with me, just to study. Things were great at first, we had fun and were doing great in school. Soon though, I may have asked or she may have offered, I began taking one of her pills...'just to stay up and study all night.' Except those nights were always a blast, studying happened, just in between the breakdancing, talking, 30 minute cigarette breaks, doing hair and nails, drinking mountain dew and having the best time ever. I had never felt anything like it. That was the best high ever. I could do anything. Nothing seemed difficult or boring. I was so incredibly focused but partying at the same time. It was incredible. Honestly. I wish I could get that high again, but I can't. And my dilemma now is....that I cant stop chasing it. Eventually, she began to run out way too fast. So, I thought it was a great idea to go out on my own, find a dumb doctor, and get it myself. I needed it. I couldn't depend on someone to give it to me. So I did. And believe it or not, the dumb doctor did it. All I said was, "Hey, I am in school, I cannot focus, I have too much to do." He said, "Okay, try this." Adderall 10 mg twice daily. What??? It was too easy. But damn, those little blue IR's were the love of my life. This was four years ago. I have moved, switched doctors and still continue to get adderall. The new doctor did not even request my old medical records from the previous place. The new doctor even said, "Wow, you are on a very low dose, is it working?" Was she serious? Okay then, this was just another chance to get that more intense high I've been chasing. "No doctor, it is not, I think I need something stronger, its just not effective." So, vyvanse it was. I took vyvanse for about four months, up to 40 mg. However, because I'd run out in a week or two early, I would go back in the middle of those months and tell them it wasn't effective--and bam, another prescription for just another few mg higher. But I think since I was chasing that high from so long ago, I had convinced myself that I needed to go back on good ol' adderall. The doctor said okay and there it was again. I got pregnant again somewhere in between all this madness, and had to stop taking adderall for the first time since I began getting it on my own. It was the worst ten months. As soon as I delivered, I called the doc and there it was....again. I was convinced I was a better parent, better wife, better student (back in school again to get my RN, after getting my LPN), better person in general. Life was still good. Here is the corker. After receiving my LPN, my husband saw how motivated and driven I was. He wanted that too. He occasionally took a few of my pills and we were the most productive and active people on the planet. A team of superheroes. So, eventually, he went to the same doctor as I did and what do ya know? He got his very own script of Adderall XR 20 mg! Score!! I would take his, he would take mine. We'd have a pretty good supply, but still, we'd run out two weeks before refills!!! The agony. Those two weeks were the worst. Fatigue, irritability, the unrelenting need for 'just one more!' So this is where we are. We are on this rollercoaster that seemed pretty fun at first, but now I am tired and ready to get off. I will never ever be able to catch that high that started all of this. And honestly, I am tired of failing at it. I have been up too long, for too many nights, having taken too many of them damn pills and suffered the horrific come down off of too much. It is terrible. And more recently, the guilt. The guilt is probably the worst. I feel like a terrible mother, but am more fearful of the terrible mother I might become without the adderall. Now, I feel as though I am constantly doing things with my kids, they are my world, I love them so much and cant stand the thought of being too tired or worn out to play with them. Then, my husband. I am a terrible wife for getting my husband hooked on drugs! The guilt of this is overwhelming. If something happened to him while taking these....I dont know what I'd do. Then, my job. I cherish nursing. But damn, I am hypocrite. I am taking for granted something that has always been my dream. I keep justifying this drug. I keep thinking that I am simply better because of it. I do my best when taking it. I do a good job at work and am constantly being complimented for my 'happiness and great attitude' all the time. But I strongly feel that this is just the drug, and the real me would be dragging at work, and probably too tired to smile. I justified adderall by convincing myself that I am just enhancing my quality of life. But it is now that I am realizing how out of control this 'addiction' has become. Alcohol is beginning to fill the void in between scripts. I am drinking alone, at night, when everyone is asleep. It is a secret, but it has become a problem. I know that if it wasn't a bad thing that I wouldn't try to keep it hidden. I am a mess. I dont even know where to start. I hope someone can read this and know what I mean, and hope I can make them feel a little more less.....alone.