whosthisguy

Gigem, we have a lot in common. And I'm only 4 months clean. If you consider me clean since I relapsed this past weekend and went on an all night binge after buying from someone . I actually took the pills b/c of what you're describing. I also feel like something is wrong with my brain. I would binge sooooo hard on Adderall before that I literally was at the peak of pure euphoria. Several max strength pills at a time, understanding chemistry, and blasting techno music as loudly as possible with my leg going like a jackhammer. No drug experience has matched it and I have done a lot of drugs. I still don't have a sense of who I am--I question if the qualities I had on Adderall were real. I am not talking to people as much, I can't think of witty things to say. I feel like I'm actually retarded and I don't like that word. When I hang around with good friends, I used to overflow with conversation and now I can't think of what to say. I obsess over these things almost every second of the day, wondering if I will ever feel connected to reality. I feel like I'm not really there. It's so depressing. By the way...... I have the same eye problem. It's a little blurry, but hard to explain. It feels like I'm not exactly present in the moment with the things I am seeing. I, too, was thinking about scheduling an appointment with an eye doctor but I guess I won't now. Good luck to us...

Thank you for that blatant advertisement of an overpriced product.

Congrats! That's amazing! How is the fatigue for you? Mine is still ever-present.... but my sleeping schedule is also awful. I tend to oversleep a lot, could be depression. I forgot to mention that I have gotten REALLY into running. I thought I liked running on Adderall (I mean, it does feel great not gonna lie) but running off of it is such a rush. It wakes you up and makes you happy. I don't think I'll ever stop. I ran my first 5k last month and my time was 28:00 and it has only improved since then. . (P.S., to any quitters reading this.... try cardio if you haven't yet!!!)

So, I quit at the start of this past July, so I've been just about 4 months clean. I will admit there were maybe 2 occasions that I snorted it to stay up and party, but I don't really consider that relapsing because they weren't mine and because I am an occasional drug user anyway, from soft to hard. It has been tough for me because I moved to NYC for school and don't have many friends here yet. Adderall used to fill my void inside so much that I didn't even need my current friends; I was actually pushing them away. Now that I'm here off Adderall, I am able to talk to people without having my heart race and hands shake. I don't give them death stares. I can talk to them more easily and focus on the conversation instead of having to consciously think about my body language. And people can tell that I'm a warm and outgoing person. When I first joined I was wary about quitting because I knew my academics would be hampered. I say I "knew," but thus far they haven't. I got an A on my first midterm in grad school and I'll be getting another back tomorrow which I am pretty confident will be another A. It's strange that a lot of things HAVEN'T changed since being off Adderall. I'm still spacey. I still procrastinate for hours on the computer. I still have anxiety and am prone to mood swings. I still have a bad temper. I still drink a lot. I still talk a lot in class and blurt out answers to questions. I still feel like I have an adrenaline rush sometimes that propels me to do things. Still impulsive. I thought quitting would be a magical cure for some of those, but it has shown me that there is still a lot I need to work on now that I am off it. One day I was so happy that I cried. I can now sleep through the night. I have gained weight and look better in my clothes. Some clothes don't even fit anymore (at my worst, I weighed 127-130lbs and I am a 5'9" guy....). And best of all, I don't crash in the evenings and want to hop off a bridge anymore!

The switch from Adderall to tea has been AMAZING for me. I go on and on about it to my friends who just don't get it! I use loose leaf tea, which makes nice quality tea affordable. It is $18 for a pound of good-tasting tea and that allows me to use a lot. I use enough to get a caffeine buzz, but the l-theanine in tea helps balance that energy to give you focus. It's not anxiolytic like coffee. It doesn't even make me crave cigarettes, and I quit those! (Btw, if you're trying to quit cigs, remember it only takes 3 days to get over the physical cravings!) Edit -- I meant coffee and tea but I'm gonna leave that because it's semi-true LOL. Shows where my mind is right now.... I try to substitute natural energy for Adderall often. I take a lot of energy-promoting vitamins & herbs--ginseng being one.

I really like that. Short and to the point. I'm a little past 2 months sober and have been considering using again. You just gotta keep in mind that it'll get better and most people don't notice that you feel so slow and tired all the time.

All I can say is: as an alcoholic, you can't control the urge. As a former Adderallic, you can't control the urge. It's a drug addiction.

Amazing. Congratulations!

@Occasional -- Thank you for your story. I see a lot of that in myself. Yes, my arm is okay, but I don't exactly give much self-sympathy to myself in that regard b/c I usually feel I deserve the things I do. Anyways, like you, recently quit cigarettes after quitting adderall and that was tough. I also take caffeine pills but don't see a reason for me to quit taking those... I need something to keep me up!! Along with my ginseng, vitamin B, fish oil, green tea, and gingko of course! I've ended up in the ER with a BAC above .3 while also on Klonopin and have been told that I probably shouldn't be alive--I just have an insane tolerance. I know a lot of pharmacology, but I actually did not know about its impact on 5HT! That is worrisome to me and is a good motivation to stop mixing. Thank you for sharing that tidbit, Occasional. It's just hard to rationalize when you say "those 3 pills will destroy all the progress you've made." How? Will it really delay my brain recovery to that extent? It's so hard to not let myself indulge.... especially now that I know I only have a small amount. Last time I relapsed I had a full prescription. I know you're right in the end, though :( :(. I'm trying to limit myself on the Kpins; I know what it's like to have acute W/D from those for a few days. @Cat - Hmmm, I also have a lot of those same concerns!! I drink early in the day sometimes and have posted on alcoholic message boards. They all say that, when they were 21, they were nowhere near as bad as I am. I need to stop. The adderall withdrawal has just made it so much worse. Thank you both for giving me hope that eventually all of this will taper. Your stories have made my night a little better. I hope others can see this, because I know that those who are led to one substance are often led to multiple more. I hope we get more stories here

Does anyone else have a problem with this? I have been drinking almost every day since I quit taking Adderall. I feel like I need something to fill the void. I think I was using Adderall and a whole host of other drugs to self-medicate for depression. I have been trying to slow down on the drinking, but it is REALLY hard. Really hard. I actually feel more depressed lately than I did during the first month. I have some days of hope, but I'm still so sluggish and I beat myself up everyday over the really intellectually challenging homework I have not even started. Last week I got my Adderall prescription filled and I am proud to say I didn't take one of them. I'm on day 39. Unfortunately, last night I traded it for 90 Klonopin and took 3 while I was drinking. Ended up having a mental breakdown and slashed the inside of my arm a few times, something I haven't done since a really grave incident I had last December. I am craving alcohol, craving Adderall. I know I need treatment, so you don't need to tell me that. I saved 3 Adderall pills in case I "need" them for something that I need a little boost for... it's taking a lot out of me to not just take one. For the few weeks I had my full prescription I never thought about touching it, but the cravings are intensifying... Just seeing if anyone else has experience with substituting and the troubles it brings. Really don't wanna relapse.

One word: Failure.

LMAO that's so funny you mention it. I don't even know how to explain my weird OCDness with songs!! When I first started abusing stimulants a couple years ago I would feel SO high (I can't come anywhere close to that now, no matter how many I take) that I would listen to techno music on full blast and get lost while doing homework. I get songs stuck in my head all the time, usually the same song. It's super obsessive. And I text my friends random lyrics all the time. All that gets worse on Adderall, lol. I also developed trichotillomania on Adderall, so all these compulsions aren't too abnormal. I see you say that you used to have long hair--is it falling out or are you pulling? If it's the latter then I think we are the same person hahaha.

You've already said yourself that Adderall is doing nothing good for you. You say you spent an hour typing that out and it makes sense to you, but it makes sense to me. You are in a heart-wrenching struggle of addiction and it goes in a cycle. You've got to break the cycle and you've made the first step coming here. You need to call your doctor and tell him never to prescribe it to you again. A lot of people on the forums have said that and it looks like you need to do that. I haven't done it yet and maybe I should take my own advice, but I think you should at least flush your stash or let your husband ween you off. Adderall tends to make you explode on those you hold most dear.

I'm only 24 days sober and I'm having some of the same thoughts as you. What is my work quality going to be like once I go back to school? By the way, I'm also in psychology. I am going for my Master's in experimental psychology. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about staring at SPSS (our love, right?) off Adderall. But there was a time back in high school when I was myself--off the medicine. I laughed a lot, I was a goofball, and I did alright in school. You will get back to your old self, too. You obviously were able to make it into college, even if you were in alternative programs prior. Maybe you have matured since then and gotten your shit together. Don't put it ALL on the medicine; it was YOU who did it. Also, let me tell you something. My use got so bad in my last year of undergrad that I failed cognitive psychology. I straight up failed the course. WHILE I WAS PULLING ALL NIGHTERS ON ADDERALL. I was so hyperfocused on my thesis that I literally didn't care about a class that didn't relate to me. I was not even like that a year before. I was in the honors program with above a 3.7 (not after my last two semesters lol). I'm warning you--you might just spiral. You might spiral and hit rock bottom. I walked into the final exam for cognitive and the professor asked me if I was okay. Why? Because I was up all night on Adderall, cracked out, sending her messages about how worried I was. Oh--I had deep bags under my bloodshot eyes and I was barely walking straight. And I reeked of cigarettes. I was a mess!!! I had to BEG her to give me a C in the class so I could move to NYC for my experimental program. I'm almost begging you to quit now--don't you think you will be the fakest therapist ever on Adderall? I know I thought about that ALL the time (I am in an Exper masters but applied to clinical PhDs). Your body language is very reduced on Addy and you would not be so genuine. Also, you have to tell your boyfriend. Are you just going to tell him that you're sleeping for hours, binging, and feeling like lying around on the couch just because you've made a life change? No... Relationships are about oppeness, and if you can't be open with him, there's going to be a big ass elephant in the room. He should be supportive. You don't turn into an überbitch when you quit the pills, so don't worry. Just remind him that you will be going through this for a little bit. It should make you guys stronger because you'll be able to see him as someone who was there for you during a rough time. I wish you the best and flush the rest!

- Feeling like I can be around people at night instead of hibernating because I feel so miserable from the crash - Quitting cigarettes - Feeling even all day, even if it's evenly tired - No longer having trichotillomania - Not staring into mirrors every time I pass by one - Not exploding on people over minor things because I feel so overstimulated - Having time to respond to my friends' texts instead of ignoring them all day - Gained 5 pounds in 2 weeks, which helped a lot since I am am already super skinny. I don't look like I'm starving so much right now. - I am able to eat fruits now!!! Before I would purposefully avoid lemons and oranges, anything citrusy, because acids lower the pH of your stomach, thus speeding Adderall excretion... AND OHH NOO I COULD NOT HAVE THAT! I would take tums with my Adderall just to keep my pH up! Sad.

Welcome to the forums. I can relate to snorting it--it just gives you such a rush and, wow, it even saves you some pills! What's wrong with that? Except for the nosebleeds, the powder on your nose, etc. I remember going to the bathroom at work and snorting off of a paper towel dispenser. EW! Did I care? No. I didn't even care when I did it off of the baby changing station. When you quit, you have to think about your son. I do research in development psychology (specifically in regards to the mother-child relationship) and I can absolutely tell you that this is not healthy for your relationship at ALL. Especially regarding the food and play. My mind is racing in all of the ways, but I don't want to sound like a know-it-all or that I'm trying to be harsh towards you. I'm not, but I am super worried. I beg you to quit for yourself and for him. I often used the word 'slave' with Adderall, too. It also ruined my relationships. I also racked up thousands in credit card debt. We all have similar stories. The only way that I could break the slavery was flushing the pills down the toilet. Please stay with us!

Read my first post on here (wasn't too long ago) and you will see that you are not alone!! We are very similar. I also felt a pain in my heart when I read the 7 signs.... they all resonated with me SO DEEPLY. I do feel as though we all share those traits and obsessing over certain traits is what feeds our addiction. Our insecurity that we are not good enough in areas that we comparatively excel in. The comedown does suck and is actually the main reason I quit. I just couldn't deal with the roller coaster anymore. I already have some borderline personality traits and problems with depression and anxiety. Since I went off the meds I have still ended up in the psych ward for threatening suicide. I literally could not handle the push-pull nature of the drug on my moods. Taking Klonopin and Xanax along with Adderall was a thing of mine, too. I felt speedy yet relaxed. It was AMAZING. My friend has also told me that I'm a conceited asshole, and I can't even argue! Other friends have told me that I'm the most caring person in the world! Adderall can seriously fuck your personality. I miss it so much just reminiscing on that right now, but then I think about how it killed my relationships and further shoved my self-esteem in the dirt. I would take Adderall and stare at myself in the mirror. Legitimately stare and be like wow I look so amazing. It made me appreciate my features so much. But, then again, I was on Adderall when I grew up from my teenage facial structure. So, really, Adderall just gives you an illusion. Do you really think you would be less attractive if you stopped putting a pill in your mouth? Seriously, think about it. If you woke up tomorrow and didn't put a pill in your mouth, would you forget how to act in pageants and lose your luster? No, the judges would know no difference. It will take time to restore your confidence again, but it will be so worth it in the long run . It is worth it to go to bed at night and feel as though there is still hope somewhere in the world. It is natural for humans to get more down in the dumps at night because we are exhausted from the day. Adderall just intensifies that and sucks out all the happiness from you. It's a cycle that you have to recognize, and it looks like you have. Hope you stay with us!!

It is really hard. The first time I went that long it was out of sheer hatred of Adderall. Of course, that didn't last long. You really just can't have a supply when you're trying to quit. I had to flush them all down the toilet. If that's what you have to do, go for it !!

Thanks, Amelie. That helped reframe things for me and made me feel a little bit better! I'm just two weeks in now so it is kind of frustrating not knowing when I'll just be used to life without it. I agree that the quality of our work likely will not change on or off Adderall, just the feeling of accomplishment might be different. For better or for worse.

Umm.. definitely!! Before my first date with my ex, I obsessed over the correct dosage of Addy (I used the same name hehe) to take to make myself seem more outgoing yet not be too overstimulated. I would take it before the beach, too, because swimming just felt so much better on it! I did use it for schoolwork at first and then I NEEDED it for special occasions, too. Oh, we're going to take some Molly tonight at the rave? Might as well take Addy beforehand just because! Oh, we're going to do some coke tonight? Might as well mix it with another stimulant, wouldn't want to be boring without my Addy! Even if I was just sitting around with my friends, I absolutely felt like I needed it, then, too. It's the normal progression of addiction, unfortunately. I'm only 12 days quit, but I can tell you that simply hanging out with your friends really isn't so miserable without it after about a week!

I'm starting this thread to give me/some others some some hope. I'm surprised a thread like this hasn't been started. I'm so frustrated that I have no concentration right now, let alone drive to get off the couch. Drinking to deal with the fatigue (paradoxical, but alcohol is another demon I struggle with) probably isn't helping, but whatevs. It's summer and I thought I was going to have the ability to relax while I quit. Wrong. I finished my thesis this past semester and I'm getting it ready for publication. I basically have to rewrite it to prep it as a manuscript. I want to cry. And pull my hair out (but I won't, since AD is what got me my trichotillomania DX, lol). I told my professor that I would have it into him next week and I haven't even started. I'm thinking about e-mailing him and telling him that on top of vacationing for 4th of July/coming down with a stomach bug this past week that I'm quitting a med that is making my mind foggy. I'm pretty close with him and actually told him when I went on it a few years ago. Us Adderall users are notorious for demanding a lot of work out of ourselves and I'm just wondering how those in academia fare(d) during W/D.

I hear you!! Some days are better than others. Just stick it out, you can do it Where are your pills? Maybe it is time to pick up your WB? If you suffer from pretty bad depression, that can make you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, ya know? I'm sure you know, but WB is also one of the more stimulating antidepressants, which may be pretty cool for Adderall W/D. I have no idea, but you should give it a go! Also, the W/D from Wellbutrin could make you feel like that, too! There are a lot of factors that could influence your mood. Either way, we are here for you and keep us updated! Feel better *hugs*

Has anyone found that this gets a lot better after quitting? I have always been self-conscious but able to manage well. On AD, this got a little better at first (like Cassie said) but it spiraled out of control. I almost failed a class one time because I COULD NOT GET OUT OF THE MIRROR. I would stare for 30 minutes combing my hair until it was in perfect symmetry. And if you knew me, you'd know that there is no symmetry to be had. By the time I had to go to class, I'd be super late. I have no qualms about being late, that's just my personality, but I was so paranoid that people were going to stare at me when I walked into class. So unlike me. It's starting to get a little better now, but I sort of used Adderall as a social crutch (paradoxically) and I miss it. :/

Thanks, Liltex! I remember on addy I could more than 5 mins at a time... like 30 minutes without needing a break. Not a big deal for some people, but for just having quit smoking it was pretty good . I'll try not to get discouraged, though. @Confused-I think you're right in both ways. I am definitely anxious-depressive, but I think the AD is just compounding it. As in, I've gotten better with the worrying aspect and the AD was keeping me a little regular. I could FEEL when I was hungry on AD. It was such an intense pain in my stomach... maybe I wasn't eating enough and once I was super hungry my body would just scream, "I NEED FOOD. NOW." But it would come at pretty normal intervals, it's not like I was starving myself. I remember before I was even on AD I did have some weird ED stuff going on (IDK why, I'm skinny as all get out), but I can tell this is different than when I was on AD. To answer your question, right now it just does feel like my appetite is being suppressed. But I've experienced the "what's the point" in the past. I think you guys are right, though, I'll get balanced out in time... I'm excited

That's freaking awesome!! I don't know how you're feeling right now, but I speak for a lot of new people here and a lot of lurkers by saying you are such an inspiration for being off it for 12 days after 15 years. Cannot even imagine. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and keep us updated! Very interested to hear about your progress.