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About blueyedgrl

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  1. Observing Active Users Post-Quit

    You hit the nail on the head with the lack of self awareness. I am so ashamed when i think back about the days when i would just talk and overshare and be all hyper and excited. With me i actually lost my adhd hyperfocus for the things i love, before adderall i could read a book for 12h straight with just food and bathroom breaks or do puzzles all night but all the other areas of my life we negatively affected by adhd. When on adderall i didnt read a single book (i normally would read at least one book a week) i couldn't do puzzles but instead i organized everything or i spent hours researching stupid shit and overanalyzing.
  2. More ashamed to post this than ever

    No, i went back to working days i work 3 12h shifts (im a nurse) im not the super nurse anymore but im also not one of the lazy ones. I constantly look on my phone and am distracted a lot but i push myself at work and keep telling myself over and over again that i can be a good nurse without it. I also went back to school for my post-masters certifcate to be a family nurse practitioner and i just finished my first class with A-. I see now that its not the adderall that made me smart or successful and i can do it without it, i just have to push myself more and use some adhd strategies to keep myself on track. I think pushing myself is what my life feels like all the time since quitting adderall. Like i have to push myself to get out of bed, be a good nurse, keep the house clean, do homework, take care of the kids etc, it feels like it takes so much more effort. BUT my creativity is back, i didnt realize how adderall robbed me of my hobbies, i have been creating art again and doing different projects around the house. I am slowly accepting that this new me is who I am. I can lose weight, i can finish school, i can be a good mother and a nurse without adderall. Some days i just wish i had a little boost but then I try to be kind to myself and take a nap. All in all i think i have been struggling with depression my whole life and when the adderall euphoria came into my life the depression lifted and i just felt so happy and motivated and confident. That is what i miss the most but i know even if i went back on it it wouldnt be the same.
  3. First year was amazing, i felt on top of the world, the second year was filled with increasing doses and trying to get the same effect i had when i first started, then it was switching between adderall, adderall xr and vyvanse, overall id say about 2-2.5 years
  4. I just returned to this board after 2 years to see why i quit in the first place. I miss adderall every day, there isn't a day when i dont consider going back on it. Especially when i feel overwhelmed, tired and fat. But then i read my posts here and see how desperate i was and how i made me feel like a failure and a junkie. Adderall is still lying to you. I suspect we will always crave it and its just like being in recovery from any other drug. Good luck, stay strong
  5. More ashamed to post this than ever

    Update: so i have been off of adderall for a while now. Not long after writing this post. I changed jobs and moved and people at my new job didnt know any other "me" i worked nights and slept during the day. I gained a ton of weight, i was depressed but i quit the adderall. I then went on a keto diet and lost 40lbs, gained some of it back but after my birthday im going back on it. I just wanted to say its still hard, i still miss it every day. I look up psychiatrists in my area tk make an appointment but never actually do it. I also quit smoking and drinking and all my other medications. I prayed so much for God to help me be free of the substances and he did! But i still miss it every day. I actually came on here because i have been thinking more and more about going back on it. I needed to re-read how i felt when i was on it. I want to thank you all for being active on this forum. I honestly didnt think it was possible to be off of it
  6. More ashamed to post this than ever

    Thank you so much for your response. I apologize for my awful typing, if i type fast i make a ton of mistakes without realizing. To answer some of your questions when I said my life and mental well being depend on adderall i meant that if I dont take it im incapacitated, i cant get out of bed, i have mood swings , depression, i eat like there's no tomorrow, i have zero patience to deal with family, friends or coworkers. But when I said i take 30mg xr and it doesnt do anything i mean that I don't feel focused, and of course the euphoric feelings has been gone for a long time, so i feel like i dont get any benefits as far as adhd but at least im able to function and get out of bed. I have two kids and i cannot even imagine trying to quit it right now with a newborn that needs me every 2hours at least and a 5th grader. When I was pregnant i cut down the dosage and it was also barely working but i attributed this to increased weight and fluid volume, when i went back on the 30mgxr i realized inprobaby wont get the same effect again unless itl take more. So ive been taking probably 45mg-60mg xr (inopen the capsules ) just to get going enough to be productive. Then im chain smoking and staying up all night all wired because icant sleep and cant take anything for sleep because.ik worried I won't hear the baby. I know in rationalizing my use, and i know that at this point its abuse and addiction. But i cant see a time in a near future when ill be ableto sleep for days while my body recovers. I want to try the taper down method but i tried it before and ended up taking more anyway. I think because my relationship with my husband and daughter improved so much when i first started the medications i really felt it was tje answer to my prayers. Little did i know.... Im.constantly torn between stopping and actually asking for a dose increase. I know that every time i increase my dose i get further and further from recovery. I never thought this could turn on me so quickly. Especially that I really do have adhd and had it since i was q little girl, and once i found something that worked i was so happy and relieved. Now not only am i having adhd symptoms and feellike im in a constant brain fog, im also addicted to adderall. I tried to make my life and my family life better, and i did for a while, and now im a closeted addict ashamed of mt dependence on adderall
  7. I was active on this site at various points of my experience with adderall. I first flushed them, then went a long time without it,then gave it for thenXR and all hell broke loose. I am a 30yo mom of a 10yo and a3 weeks old. When i found out I was pregnant i tried my best to quit the adderall. My psychiatrist aaid it was okay for me to take because when i stopped i completelt fell apart. So i continued taking it throughout my pregnancy, had to add zoloft because i was so depressed and incapacitated. I prayed wvery aingle time i took mt adderall that my daughter would be healthy. I was blessed with a perfect, beautiful baby girl. She is 3 weeks old and i still take the adderall. I am on maternity leave but i dread the da i habe to go back to work. My live, or rather my mental well-being depends on adderall. When i tske mtly prescdose of 30mgXR i dont feel anything, the only reason i take it is because i would not be able to get oit of bed. I tried quitting but my family or my employer are not used to me being so useless. I was even asked at work if i was ok because ive alaays been so active and outspoken. Now i feel like i have ny dirry little secret. .. anyway idk why im writing this, i jusy needed to take ir off my chest. I honestly think thereis no way out at this point. I cannot function without it yet it gives me constant anxiety and headaches. Im at loss, i never though this woule affect me in the way it dd
  8. I thought i knew better

    Yes i am originally for Poland. Im visiting family, i was there 3 years ago. I am hoping to quit before i go ao that i can have time to recuperate but im worried ill be a nightmare to be around . I dont want mt family to see me like a zombie and worry what the heck did America do to me lol
  9. I thought i knew better

    Lol I wish. But going to visit family in Europe
  10. I thought i knew better

    Thank you!i know ill do the right thing and quit. But im not going to lie and say im not enjoying feeling normal. Im going on vacation in august for 11 days ill have all the time in the world to recuperate and sleep as much as i want
  11. I thought i knew better

    My thyroid is good, i used to take vitD supplement but didnt feel much different. I know i need to work out more but with two jobs grad school and a kid its nearly impossible. My diet is good, low carb mostly, no sugar. I drink about 2 cups of coffee a day. Yes i have told my doctor all this. I know the root of my depression, i have a bipolar mother, alcoholic father and life of isolation, bullying, and abandonment. Im working through those issues , i pray a lot, i read a lot. I have a good insight into my diagnosis, im a board certified psych RN . I can tell my doctor all that but they think they know better, always. Oh just try this or that i know how it goes i work in psych. I did try a dozen of meds, one even put me of a high dose of lithium , more than what i give my involuntary patients in a psych ward. I was a zombie. I cannot afford to be a zombie. Now im going to try this effexor one more timw only because its SNRI and so was straterra which worked pretty good for me until ir pooped outm i KNOW adderall with poop out , too, that ill develop tolerance but the way i feel right now its like maybe ill get a few good, happy months. I know better, i dont want to be hooked on it. Its just that nothing worked this good beforw, its hard to let go knowing ill be my old ,tired, unmotivated, irritable self
  12. Happy

    I totally hear you about your dissertation. Im in grad school and althought i completed most of my courses without the adderall now that i started taking a month ago (10mg xr life has been so much more bearable. Ive also been battling depression so being able to get out od bed without constantly "making myself" has been feeling good. I know i have to stop it soon, thought, i know better than to get hooked on it. Its so bitter-sweet.
  13. I thought i knew better

    Hi everyone. I posted last year about my short experience with adderall instant release where i flushed it down the toilet. So for the past year i have been doing alright, i guess, except for the depression that i have been battling my whole life. Despite very disfunctional childhood and suffering from anxiety and depression i was able to be a successful adult and a single parent. I bougbt a house, finished undergrad in nursing and in currently pursuing masters degree. All my life accomplishing things was a major every day struggle and basically fighting against my depression and not wanting to get out of bed. I still got up and worked my a** of ti provide a better life for my and my child. I tried almost all of the antidepressants out there i heard diagnoses of ADD ( which i always knew i had, being the "worst kid in class"etc careless, daydreaming, losing things etc etc you know the deal) depression eith anxiety, mood disorder, borderline traits. Going to psychiatrists made me feel even worse, more meds ,different meds , side effects, nausea, weight gain... it was making me even more depressed. I knew adderall was bad news last year when i flushed it down the toilet. Recently i got a new psychiatrist who prescribed yet another antidepressant along with adderall 10mgXR. So i gave it a shot. For the first time in yeara i felt like a normal person who didnt hate getting out of bed and didnt dread every day. Now im month into it and I KNOW better that adderall is not a good idea long term, i just dont want to give up feeling "normal" for once. I was able to get through life without it but i guess i am having a hard time giving it up because i dont feel depressed anymore. Unlike all of the other antidepressants it gave me no side effects like weight gain or loss of sex drive or sleepiness. I am at a point where im so torn , im tired to being sick and tired my whole life, and i know adderall is bad for me but at least i feel like a person, like i have the energy to play with my kid and go to work. I know a lot of you feel so tired and depressed after stopping adderall, i felt like that my whole life so now in like well if i stop it ill just be like i used to be. Idk im so torn... i wish i could just be okay without any meds. I think ill try getting off of adderall and just staying on effexor xr that my doctor prescribed. It already gave me terrible nausea and i couldnt sleep yet i felt so tired. I just want to be less depressed and be a better parent and none of the antidepressants did it for me like adderall did. Its like damned if you do damned if you dont
  14. Is this normal?

    You developed tolerance and you are basically addicted to it. Those are not side effects, that anger and anxiety is a sign of withdrawing. You will need to keep increasing the doses to feel the same effets. Thats how the addiction works
  15. Are all stimulants bad?

    I understand but do they all make you feel like you are high? Or rather do any of them work without making you feel like you're on drugs