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About Bobcostas281

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  1. Screwed if you do, screwed if you don't

    I would just remind you that the Bar is not impossible. Our minds make it out to be a bigger, harder obstacle than it really is. Forget studying the books. Just load up the MBE (is that what they are still called?) mulitiple choice questions on the computer and do as many as you possibly can. Set goals- 500, 1000, etc. It’s repetitive, almost mindless, but you will learn a lot, and it’s a lot easier than trying to focus on pages and pages of boring shit. For whatever it’s worth that’s how I passed. You can do eet!
  2. Failure

    Soooo, after 2 1/2 months clean I fucked up about 10 days ago. For about 12 hours. 24 hours after that I went to sleep. 10 days after that, I still am recovering from that one slip. Really, really not worth it. Fucking stupid. Side note: I thought it would make sense to keep the remainder of my pills in the medicine cabinet. Building willpower and what not. Figured if I really wanted some I’d find it somehow. Really bad idea. On a positive note- there are no more pills in my medicine cabinet. And I have to believe I learned my lesson this time.
  3. Relapse..

    Hang in there SeanW. I don’t have anything brilliant to add, other than to remind you that you were instrumental in helping me stop six weeks ago. I know the desire for that artificial clarity is strong, so I understand the relapse. I just wish you success- never forget how strong you are and that you’re capable of great things .
  4. Probably could have died

    @SamJo you’ll be better than you were. It just takes time. I’m impatient, and it especially pisses me off when I’ve had two good weeks and out of nowhere depression and tiredness hit me fucking hard. But I know the path to being healed is not linear. And without this place I’d be lost. So I’m grateful.
  5. Probably could have died

    Also that it’s kind of fucked up you fried your dopamine receptors in your brain so bad that all the Adderall in the world wont get you high. Not that it can’t be fixed at some point. But it’s going to be later rather than sooner as I’m finding out
  6. Finally Finding Strength

    @SamJo I’m in! I think a documentary is a great idea! PS- I do the same thing, level myself out with drinking. I sort of hate drinking now too- it’s no fun without Addys. Which isn’t really a bad thing. But I totally understand missing the vibrancy, the excitement, socializing. Always ends badly though.
  7. Adderall VS pain pills

    I have no doubt whatsoever that there will be lawsuits related to overprescribing Adderall. Its coming. Opioid abuse still dominates the media, but Adderall has to be coming next. Any idiot can go to a doctor and repeat a few generic phrases "I can't concentrate" "my work life is suffering" and get a prescription 2 seconds later. My psychiatrist told me a couple visits ago they no longer prescribe anything but XR stimulants due to "potential abuse." First of all, you can abuse the XR. Secondly, I could still get the regular ones from my GP. Now that I've told both of them of my abuse, I cant get either.
  8. Finally Finding Strength

    "man I wish so badly I wanted to carry on and not die. I wanna be with God. Nothing seems worth while. What really is there to live for? At least when I was on adderall/vyvanse being alone didn’t feel as bad. I’m gone as a person." @SamJo Nobody has reported back that being with God is better than this life. Until someone does, we need you here. Just sharing your experience, as hard as it is to talk about/live through, inspires the rest of us to keep trying, and to stay on the straight and narrow. There are days when my depression is so bad, I think what would it hurt to go back on the Adderall/vyvanse. I have both right in my cabinet, because I've learned throwing them away doesn't stop me from getting more. But instead, I remember the hours and days that I lost chasing that high, and then the days after those days where I did nothing but sleep. I'm taking a low dose of Wellbutrin, and the real me is slowly coming back. Somedays are not so good, but as numerous people have pointed out, good food and exercise help. You CAN do it. This feeling won't last forever.
  9. Finally Finding Strength

    Just remember your conscious brain plays tricks on you, and makes you think its hopeless. But remember the core of who you are was formed long before you started taking vyvanse. Trust the process and you will find the original you. Its in there. You can do it. I am in the same boat as you, I took ridiculous amounts for almost 20 years. But I'm slowly feeling better, and I know I will completely recover in time.
  10. Probably could have died

    Thanks for the positive feedback. Because you know part of my brain was saying, “go ahead and take the pills you’re eating too damn much and you need them. I’m sure it’ll be fine they’re not Adderall so don’t worry.” In related news the same friend that put the pills on my desk reported it to me today, “I do feel kind of high from those pills.” Yep. Thought so.
  11. How long did it take for your anhedonia to go away?

    Great posts. I would just add that the one thing I'm greatful for is that there is no substance that will add back pleasure in my life. So if I'm going to be happy, I've got to do it sober. Alcohol used to make me feel amazing. It stopped having that effect a couple years ago. I can't think of anything (other than food, which I have to be careful with) that helps with enjoyment. But slowly resuming some of the activities I used to enjoy, while I still don't enjoy them, I feel hope. I feel like its your brain's version of "muscle memory", you know when you used to go to the gym a lot, and your muscles were in great shape, and you could lift weights easily, and then you come back a year (or years) later, and your body responds a lot faster than you expect, once you get through that first miserable month? I think the brain works that way to, if you give a time and a little effort. At least I hope that's the case. I've probably suffered from severe anhedonia for a year now. That's why towards the end, the Adderall was so hard to resist, it was the only time I ever felt good.
  12. Probably could have died

    A friend of mine comes over yesterday and lays two pills down in front of me. “You should try this, it’s phenteramine. It’s not like adderall, you don’t feel high, it just helps you focus.” I’m going to pass on that idea....
  13. Probably could have died

    Great post @OnSomething. I haven't felt this good in a long time. I agree, I gotta still be here for a reason. One week completely clean. Started taking a low dose of Wellbutrin, went to the gym for the first time in quite a while over the weekend. Finally have the desire to get out of bed, which I didnt have even when I was taking adderall. I'm lucky to feel this good so soon, I know that. Thanks to everyone for the continued support.
  14. Probably could have died

    First of all, all of you are amazing. Not knowing what to expect after my post, I have to say your kind words and encouragement really lifted my spirits. I appreciate the suggestion for the rehab. And I agree that benzos are cause for concern, one of my best friends died in the past year due to cocaine/benzo use. Therefore, I very, very rarely take Xanax. Like literally twice in the last year. I did this past weekend simply because I was in such bad shape. And if I'm not taking Adderall, drinking doesn't hold a lot of appeal for me. I really don't like the "buzzy feeling" of alcohol without the Adderall to balance it out. And whatever I've done to my brain over the last years, drinking alone doesn't give me that good feeling it used to. I cant really afford to take 30 days. I've got you guys, and I've got some real determination this time. I'm confident I can do it. I've done good today, been semi-productive even though I'm tired. But day one is always fairly easy. The problem will be day 4, or 5, or 8. Whenever I'm somewhat caught up with work and feeling normal again. That's when my brain will want to fuck me over. SleepyStupid, I completely agree with your analysis that if I fail to quit now, the binges will just turn into one long binge and I will be completely fucked. So when you say, I seem like a smart guy...I have to disagree with you. I see what drugs do to people every single day. So I know better. There's nothing worse than being aware of what you are doing and fully apprised of the consequences and then doing it anyway.
  15. Probably could have died

    SeanW, thanks and you are probably right. I was just thinking an antidepressant might help- I haven’t been on one like Effexor for a long time due to the sexual side effects. But I suppose I could try it or Paxil. On a side note, one of the reason I enjoy(ed) abusing adderall is that it made me feel horny. But that came at a price too, because I’d usually watch too much porn. One thing for sure- adderall for me was very isolating. A social drug it was not. The other thing I noticed the past couple days is I’ve totally lost track of time. That’s happened in the past, but this time I really felt it. From Saturday morning until now is a blur. And everything I was supposed to do, like pay rent, I totally forgot. I really hope I can maintain my hatred for this drug.