Speeder906

One Month Sober - Just Relapsed :(

6 posts in this topic

Relapsed this weekend. I was supposed to be cut off from the source but on a day of weakness I let my inner critic convince me that I wasnt gonna have the fulfilled life that I'd imagine about in my early Adderall days back when the euphoria still existed and my self esteem wasn't utterly shattered into pieces.

In my law class I barely could focus and I was already getting worried about having to do so much reading which is harder without Adderall to make everything in a textbook super interesting. I hadn't eaten that day and didn't want to sit and eat just to gain more weight than I already have --- and thats when it was already over. Getting one shred of rationale to get some addy was enough to make my inner critic take control of me and next thing I knew I was excited to pick up my refill after school. Cause of course my psych let me back on the meds after a month ago I asked to stop getting them.

Five days with little to no sleep and 740mg later... I've come to face the facts that I'm addicted and I am getting to learn this lesson once more as if I hadn't gotten this lecture before. I want to try seeing a drug abuse counselor or addiction counselor for a consult to see if meeting with them regularly might suit my situation. Anyone have any knowledge on how to go about that one?

It's been a blurry stressfully immesly long weekend for me including most of my coworkers quitting cause of our horrible store manager not doing his job as he should. Its just more unnecessary stress for me on top of this relapse so I'm going to give my two week notice today.

I'd appreciate any kind words if y'all have any.

 I'm feeling pretty lousy today aside from the no sleep thing but emotionally I feel ashamed cause for the month I was sober I had a better outlook on life but its just when I start to feel insecure or inadequate there's this desire to suppress doubtfulness and overcompensate with a pill that'll make me be the productive motivated person that I want to be but in reality it doesn't have that effect for more than 20 minutes.

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Just try again most people on here have failed once or twice some even more. You can try a counselor but I'd find one who has some knowledge of this addiction might be hard to find. I'd reccommend finding a NA group they are free and it just helps to listen to other addicts and share your story once your comfortable. Good luck!

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Hey Speeder, it happens. I don't want to tell you it's okay, because it's not... but I relapsed 3 times before being able to kick it for good and you have to pick yourself up and embrace this as part of the process. We're here for you. I work an NA program, and someone told me once that after a relapse, you get credit for time served. The wisdom you gained in your 30 days clean will be waiting for you when you start again. You'll be stronger this time around. Keep posting, keep being honest, and keep trying. Be kind to yourself!

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Hi Speeder,

Ok, so right off the bat let me just say that you did what you thought was the best solution to your problems at the moment you decided to get the script filled.  IMHO, I think you need to make a stronger list of reasons for why you don't want to be on it and keep it with you at all times.  You've got to have enough compelling information on hand as evidence of what the long term equation of going back on adderall will look like.  Here are the reasons you listed:

Reasons for relapse:

1) Shattered self-esteem (Irrational Belief - I will never accomplish my dreams without adderall.  I am doomed for the rest of my life.)

2) Reading was harder to focus in law class

3) Weight gain paranoia

New Reasons to stay clean (things to remember when trigger thoughts come spiraling down upon you)

1) Shattered self-esteem is a short term detriment from adderall recovery.  It will take time to rebuild, but the NEW improved self-esteem you will GAIN in recovery will FAR EXCEL anything you had while on adderall because it is authentic and NOT induced by a pill.  As you slowly make progress even doing the smallest of things without adderall you will start feeling more confident in your abilities with it AND carry a POSITIVE feeling of well being knowing you've overcome something EXTREMELY challenging.

2) Not all reading will be challenging though.  School is temporary.  It will be tough without adderall, but you can readjust and learn to keep trucking along clean.  IF you fail a class, re-take it.  Cut back a class or take a semester off if possible.  Just remember you have to put your recovery first or you will stay stuck in this trap with adderall.

3) Remind yourself that any weight loss from adderall is NOT permanent.  You can't depend on adderall addiction for the rest of your life to stay lean. Your heart is going to be severely damaged by this.  5 days @ 740 mgs is like 148mg/day!!!  Imagine if you stay dependent for years on end what is going to happen to your internal organs.  Those are what's most important for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.  Once the crash phase is over with stopping, you will be able to get back into a healthy place with everything else.  Just don't mess yourself up for life.

Ok, so with all that said, just try not to beat yourself up.  I remember relapsing at various times for similar reasons, but I know I was like you and didn't think it through to the future.  All I could see and think about was the here and now.  It really helped me a lot to see the ENTIRE PICTURE and what I wanted for my life towards the end.  I tried to imagine the tape backwards as well.  At the end of my life, what would I want to see that happened while I was here?  Would I want to leave knowing I was addicted to adderall and it destroyed me or did I want something amazing instead?  That non-adderall life you envisioned early on is still there.  Don't let the euphoria of the dream slip away.  You have to stay strong and when you want to use, post on this site first.  There are plenty of people that can help you see the bigger picture when you are clouded by urges and cravings. 

Stay strong!!!

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Your story is so similar to mine. I relapsed about a month into quitting the first time.. like liltex said dont beat yourself up about it, for me at least, relapsing was a part of the process of quitting. I had to be reminded of the hell that went along with adderall abuse.. Youve acknowledged you have a problem and youre reaching out for help and thats a huge step:) 

i think my greatest illusion of adderall is that i thought it made me smarter.. which it doesnt, all scientific evidence concludes that it makes you think youre smarter and helps short term memory. The good news is that without adderall youre just as smart and youll be able to retain information better in your long term memory. Its just not as much as a euphoric experience :P 

 

i realized i had a problem with adderall in December, quit then and relapsed in january, and then finally quit two weeks later in february. I had mono too and had missed so many labs and was so far behind that i was forced to take a leave of absence from school. Im in an out patient program for addiction and i feel like this break has really let me get in touch with reality and reset my intentions for life. 

My self esteem was also destroyed from adderall which isnt so strange since i depended on a drug to do absolutely everything. I was basically telling myself "take a pill bc youre not good enough to do what you need to do without it." i gain trust in myself everyday i choose to stay clean, and my self esteem is being rebuilt little by little by excercising self discipline and gaining insight from NA meetings and the outpatient clinic meetings. 

You should be proud of yourself for the decision youve made and the step youre about to take and look forward to the new adderall free life that awaits. Let go of adderall and addiction and trust that life will take you where you need to be and i guarantee you will be just fine:)

 

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Remember your odds of success dramatically improve with each attempt to quit! 

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