Wanna hear about my visit to the Shrink?

[Sebastian05]

Hey Guys:

So it was finally time to go see my shrink today to follow up on how I've been doing. I hadn't seen her for months because things had just gotten to be too busy with work and with life.

Anyways, I've been pretty depressed after quitting adderall almost a month ago now. For those of you who dont know, I was taking 10 - 20 mg a day instant release for about 4.5 years or so.

For the last year I was only taking 10mg a day. It helped me TONS to stay focused and positive and happy, but I really started to question how long I could really be on this kinda medicine. So naturally, I decided to quit.

Anyways, the anxiety hasn't been so bad lately, but the depression has been horrible. The anxiety comes and goes, but im able to sleep a bit better at nights now. The depression is what really sucks. I'm just sad all the time and its been awful. Feeling worthless and hopeless. Feeling REALLY nostalgic for old times like when my brother and I were just kids growing up.

I can think of anything from the past and it can bring me to tears and make me cry.

The doc had previously written me a script for Lexapro, but I told her I never filled it because I dont wanna be pumped up with meds, but she really thinks I should be on an anti-depressant.

She suggested PRISTIQ or WELLBUTRIN. She was offering to let me pick what I wanted to try. I found that to be really bizarre. So she wrote me a script for wellbutrin XL 150mg for one week and then up the dose to 300mg after the first week. I thought that was also really weird that she wanted me to raise the dose after the first week without seeing how the first week went.

What if 150 is all i need? why would i bother raising the dosage? I think its so weird that she is also letting me pick my meds.

I dunno. I think im going to get a 2nd opinion about whether to be on Pristiq or Wellbutrin. If any of you can chime in that would be great.

Also, she doesnt think there's anything wrong with adderall and that if taken as prescribed (which i was doing) that there shouldnt be an issue and that quitting shouldnt be a problem. She made it sound like it was taking Flintstones vitamins.

I'm just heart broken. I feel so sad all the time. I feel like such a fuckup and that I've made all the wrong decisions in life. Im a single guy. All i do is think about how much i love my family and how much I miss them and what a disgrace I am.

As you guys know. I'm a lawyer. I have a good job. I have a home. But I'm just crushed and really sad and unhappy.

I've always been a bit of a depressed person for sure. I think I've always just been able to cover it up. But I've also FOR SURE been a severely anxious person.

Lately I just have no appetite and I'm just so super sad. I dunno what to do. Should I give wellbutrin a shot? Should i do Pristiq? i have no clue.

I just wanna get better and be able to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face and love my life like a normal fucking human being. I want to be able to control my sadness and control my depression and just be a normal person. Not some sad schmuck just wondering why his life sucks so much.

IF anyone has wellbutrin stories, please chime in.

-S

[sky]

it sounds like you made your decision to get off meds because of a stigma that you believe it's wrong to live a life with a chemical aid. That may be a good personal belief- but there are people who cannot function without their meds, they don't have the luxury of wanting to try living without (choose any extreme example of mental illness as a case in point).

At this point, after trying it out and weighing the pros and cons, were you happier when you were taking the meds? Life is best enjoyed, if you are miserable all the time and see no way out, well then maybe you should look at taking medications to alter the chemicals in your brain so you don't feel that way anymore. It's like someone who physically has bad vision wanting to live life without the aid of glasses because of a personal purist belief that they ought to be able to do so, and going thru life not being able to see clearly as a result...

Maybe reexamine that belief and stigma that you've given to the meds. You tried it out, gave it a valiant effort, but if your vision didn't clear up, maybe it's time to look into glasses... and not feel bad about it. It sounds like you're really struggling, and if you were able to live and not have those overwhelming feelings of despair, wouldn't that be better? Forget the guilt of taking meds, just like someone with poor vision or hearing, some people lack the chemicals or have too many chemicals or whatever science is going on in their brains that the meds help regulate.

I think it's wise to get multiple opinions, but don't poopoo the doctors methodology just because it sounds strange- maybe it's best to let the wellbutrin levels build up for a week before raising the dose to what is required? who knows, but I'm sure it's not an arbitrary method, I'm sure there's been some trial and error before now, or some trials anyway.

If it means that you could have daily happy days, be happy around your family, be happy at work and alone at home, would it be worth taking the meds? Perhaps the stigma that the meds are bad isn't so black and white, perhaps it's more of a case by case basis- in some cases people may be able to overcome their depression by other means, and in some people the meds may be necessary to lead a "normal" life.

Even if the meds don't lead to daily happy days, they may take the edge off enough so that you feel more normalized and not overwhelmed with depression and despair. And maybe like recovery, it's best to not think about "forever", perhaps take them with the idea that they will get you out of the hellhole, out of the depth of despair, and onto a plateau that feels more comfortable, and then at that point you can reexamine where you're at... but the bottom line, I don't think you need to feel less than because you take meds, any more than someone with glasses is less than, which we all agree they're not. I think that feeling boils down to a stigma, which you can choose to reevaluate.

[lea]

Sky makes some excellent points IMHO. It can be hard to really see depression as a chemical imbalance but that's exactly what it is. There are a lot of behavioral strategies that people can learn but first the depression has got to be stabilized. I would definitely follow the doctor's advice regarding the antidepressants. I am on 300 mg wellbutrin and for me it's been helpful but sadly, psychiatry is not an exact science -- I guess nothing is -- and it can be frustrating trying different types of antidepressants. Is there a University or teaching hospital you can go to for a second opinion? They are usually pretty progressive. Just stay in close touch with family and friends while you're going through this. You will feel better.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Well said, sky and lea.

My shrink wants to put me on lexapro. In addition to the Wellbutrin. She said low dose and I can come off it if I want to but she thought it would help with my anxiety and depression.

Do any of you guys have any experience with it? The only SSRI I've been on was Prozac years ago and I hated it, I felt like I was living in a fog all the time.

[quit-once]

I think it is cool that your shrink lets you choose your meds. There is a lot to learn about these drugs. find a reputable web site that has info on both of those drugs and also the PDR (physicians desk reference) book is a great resource. Gather as much info as possible and make an informed decision. I dunno what to think about her attitude about adderall. You have already learned a valuable lesson about that one with your own experiences and even though you never abused it, you have realized it isn't sustainable for the long term even at low dosages.

Do you have any pets? I highly recomend getting a dog. Dogs are happy animals.

[ashley6]

Hey Guys:

So it was finally time to go see my shrink today to follow up on how I've been doing. I hadn't seen her for months because things had just gotten to be too busy with work and with life.

Anyways, I've been pretty depressed after quitting adderall almost a month ago now. For those of you who dont know, I was taking 10 - 20 mg a day instant release for about 4.5 years or so.

For the last year I was only taking 10mg a day. It helped me TONS to stay focused and positive and happy, but I really started to question how long I could really be on this kinda medicine. So naturally, I decided to quit.

Anyways, the anxiety hasn't been so bad lately, but the depression has been horrible. The anxiety comes and goes, but im able to sleep a bit better at nights now. The depression is what really sucks. I'm just sad all the time and its been awful. Feeling worthless and hopeless. Feeling REALLY nostalgic for old times like when my brother and I were just kids growing up.

I can think of anything from the past and it can bring me to tears and make me cry.

The doc had previously written me a script for Lexapro, but I told her I never filled it because I dont wanna be pumped up with meds, but she really thinks I should be on an anti-depressant.

She suggested PRISTIQ or WELLBUTRIN. She was offering to let me pick what I wanted to try. I found that to be really bizarre. So she wrote me a script for wellbutrin XL 150mg for one week and then up the dose to 300mg after the first week. I thought that was also really weird that she wanted me to raise the dose after the first week without seeing how the first week went.

What if 150 is all i need? why would i bother raising the dosage? I think its so weird that she is also letting me pick my meds.

I dunno. I think im going to get a 2nd opinion about whether to be on Pristiq or Wellbutrin. If any of you can chime in that would be great.

Also, she doesnt think there's anything wrong with adderall and that if taken as prescribed (which i was doing) that there shouldnt be an issue and that quitting shouldnt be a problem. She made it sound like it was taking Flintstones vitamins.

I'm just heart broken. I feel so sad all the time. I feel like such a fuckup and that I've made all the wrong decisions in life. Im a single guy. All i do is think about how much i love my family and how much I miss them and what a disgrace I am.

As you guys know. I'm a lawyer. I have a good job. I have a home. But I'm just crushed and really sad and unhappy.

I've always been a bit of a depressed person for sure. I think I've always just been able to cover it up. But I've also FOR SURE been a severely anxious person.

Lately I just have no appetite and I'm just so super sad. I dunno what to do. Should I give wellbutrin a shot? Should i do Pristiq? i have no clue.

I just wanna get better and be able to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face and love my life like a normal fucking human being. I want to be able to control my sadness and control my depression and just be a normal person. Not some sad schmuck just wondering why his life sucks so much.

IF anyone has wellbutrin stories, please chime in.

-S

Your first paragraph really struck me. Not to be hard on you, but you've been too busy to see your shrink when you've been very depressed and struggling with anxiety? This is your life, and nobody is going to take of yourself before you. My counselor pointed this out to me, and I've noticed it in myself. She said something like it's amazing the pain we'll put ourselves through, without being proactive about it. I'm glad you finally went, but you sound like a chronic worrier, like me, so take care of your health, so the rest of your life can be as peaceful as possible.

[lea]

Yes - I am also on prozac (40 mg) - For me prozac and wellbutrin are a good combination because they address neurotransmitters that I believe are imbalanced in me. I've never been on lexapro but I've been on other SSRI's, SNRI's, tri-cyclics and off-label combinations. Prozac and wellbutrin work for me but others didn't... although they all help a little. So they are definitely worth trying because when the right one or combination is found it will be worth it because you will feel normal and it will be subtle - you won't feel like you're on meds. My shrink says that meds do about 30% - the rest I have to do but that 30% can be just the push that's needed to get over the hump.

[ashley6]

I don't think the option or being given the option of an antidepressant is nearly as worrisome as her thinking adderall is no big deal, assuming she knows your history.

[Sebastian05]

Sky & Lea:

Thanks for your replies. I'm not averse to taking the anti-depressants. I just don't want to get myself in another bind like I did with the adderall. Quite frankly, if someone were to say to me "Hey. You can take adderall at your prescribed doses as you've been doing for the rest of your life" I'd do it. Adderall really helped me so much. I felt so motivated and on top of the world the whole time.

But I just couldnt see myself taking such a chemical for the rest of my life. Even if it made me feel like I could accomplish anything. Also, whats interesting is that I was on 50mg/day of effexor for a few years prior to the adderall. But i Just couldnt focus on ANYTHING i didnt care about without the adderall. I was depressed and bummed out quite frequently, but then got put on the adderall and it was like a magic pill that just made everything better.

Now that I quit adderall and I'm stuck in this fucked up depression, I'm just worried about going on another drug. I would like to try Wellbutrin and I think I'm just going to fill it and try it. I hear it gives a bit of pep which is what I need along with help focusing on the most boring things in the world.

I just wanna get happy again. The adderall made me happy. Thats where I need to be. But I sincerely dont believe this is the kind of drug that someone can be on forever. ugh. oh well.

[Sebastian05]

Ashley, Quit Once, & MFA:

thanks for your replies as well. i always appreciate it. when i first went to go see her, i had lost a ton of weight. at that point in time i had been off adderall for about a month. Cold turkey. She's the one who put me back on it. I was taking it at 10mg a day. She takes the mind frame where "if it helps. take it." She thinks adderall is totally harmless if it helps you.

And thats where I get confused and lost. I feel as though it had been helping me and keeping me motivated and focused. I dont think I could have passed the bar exam or gotten through law school without it. But I just dont think its something a person can be on forever? Right? i mean, i would stay on it forever if i felt like it was okay for my brain. But it just cant be.

So, maybe the depression has just always been a part of my life and the adderall masked it and covered it up and made me happy. Now that the adderall is gone, perhaps i've just reverted back to depression and anxiety? Shit man, i wish i had this stuff figured out. im sure we all do, right? Anyways, i think im gonna go forward and fill the script for the Wellbutrin tomorrow morning and see how it goes.

Thanks so much for all your comments guys. I know that KyleChaos started Wellbutrin, but now I think he's trying to get off?

The MOST important things in life are to be happy and healthy. I got a taste of a drug that made me happy. adderall. and now i'm trying to figure out if my hypothesis is right. If this is indeed something that is super bad for you and something you can't be on forever. My Shrink today told me I could stay on it forever if I wanted to be. I just cant believe that that is true.

[Rev&Rush]

I was on lexapro for a long time. It made me numb. No lows, but no highs. Void.

I get nostalgic too, and that's when I get depressed. I heard somewhere that people are always happier when they are looking forward then if they are looking back.

What I'd love to learn to do is look at now, and just see this moment. I hardly understand what that means. But I think people are always chasing contentment, isn't that the goal?

Are you in love? That also helps. Love is the shit! It really is.

Also, I recommend a dog, too! Love and dogs.

[FALCON]

Sebastian05

Hey my brother get a hold of your self your having anxiety about what drug to take the blue on or the red one what the fuck bro .You have Ben battling this depression for some time now part of your depression comes from you quitting the addarall you where not abusing adderall like most of us on the web site have Ben. 10- 20 milligrams is not a hight does WY did you stop taking adderall in the first place have you considerate that you may actually need a low does for your depression and concentration some people really need to be on adderall there is noting wrong with a low does of adderall if you are using it responsible and not miss using or abusing the drug you seem like you are a very responsible guy and you have good correcter and you are a smart man your not a kid anymore you are a grown man. As far as depression goes there is noting wrong with taking a antidepressant you may really need it if your mood is down all the time for no reason at all you may need to take somting every one gets depression once in a wile but it only last temporary in most cases and there depression lifts away naturally but if you cant seem to shake of depression you may need to be on something it does not make you a faller brother jest try it out if it works well on you heera for you. I have Ben on some sort of antidepressants all my adult life and probably tried 20 different brands if you do not have any side affects and the drug is making your depression easier to cope with stay on it. I think you may need it and dam it brother I don’t ever want to heir you put your self down again it pisses me off bro you are not a looser stop beating your self up you have a great life and a good career look at all the positive things you have going for your self .

Your friend and supporter FALCON

[quit-once]

I heard somewhere that people are always happier when they are looking forward then if they are looking back.

Are you in love? That also helps. Love is the shit! It really is.

I have never heard that but it makes sense that looking forward makes you happier. I think that there is something about adderall recovery that makes you look back to the time you were using it. I kept thinking "last year at this time....." during my first year or so of recovery. Maybe that is partially why depression is so common during adderall recovery.

I agree that love=happiness BUT love is not that easy for some of us to come by in our lives. It took me a lot of counseling to realize that I was OK even it I was not in love or even in a relationship. There can be a lot of family and social pressure that actually causes or worsens one's depression if they can't seem to find love or relationships, for whatever reasons.

That is why I like dogs.

[BeHereNow]

Hey Sebastian,

That totally sucks. I am so sorry to hear you are feeling that way....I can't speak to the meds question right now, but for whatever it's worth, my immediate response is.....

Thing 1) What a hardcore badass you are for saying no to your shrink!! There is no way in hell I could say no if it was like that.....You have come SO FAR in your quitting process. I know it's hard right now to feel proud of your accomplishments, but you are doing something really tough and life changing and its soo hard. Probably one of the hardest things any of us have EVER done. I've tried to explain it to someone who has never taken it recently and there is NO WAY to explain the many sides of this process.......

Thing 2) There is NOTHING wrong with being single.......at all........ Most of my favorite people are. I know it must be tough right now esp while quitting....But I think one of the FAQs says that people tend to wind up having plenty of alone time while quitting in general. Theres a lot of loneliness going around.... Also, single is soo much better than being in a bad relationship, never forget that!! LOL! Also, any time that you get to just be yourself is valuable.....

Thing 3) I think it's impressive you're questioning the pharmaceuticals, whatever decision you make, it's ALWAYS important to be informed and make your own choices.

Thing 4) You're making the RIGHT choice by quitting. Also you are neither a fuckup nor a disgrace, because everyone makes mistakes, but we also bounce back. Our mistakes don't define who we are in any permanent way.

Thing 5) I saw a bumper sticker once that said, "YOU ARE LOVED." I think it's true. I have no doubt that your family misses and loves you. Especially if you are feelin that way, I'm sure they are too, they must be. Is there a chance you could try calling and re-connecting with someone?

[HAM]

Hi Sebastian,

I started taking wellbutrin when I quit adderall but I don't like it. I get nauseous, dizzy, headaches, and ringing in my ears. That's just me, but I read that those can be side-effects.

I definitely think you could have gotten through law school and passed the bar without adderall. IMHO, adderall doesn't make you capable of things you wouldn't be able to do otherwise. Sure, it is a little boost but I don't think it can make anyone smart enough to get through law school. It can't give you the perseverance required to succeed. You've worked hard. Give yourself some credit, you have achieved something great!

Everyone thinks they are a hopeless fuck-up sometimes. I know I definitely do. Lately I've been thinking about all the bad choices I've made, how stupid I've been, how many things I have screwed up in my life, what a loser I am, etc.. I am feeling pretty defeated at the moment. Then I realize that even if I've fucked up everything else right now, quitting adderall is a really good decision I've made in my life. If all else fails, I know I'm doing something right.

Being single can be difficult and also really awesome. I've been single for a couple years since I went back to school and it's not easy. I get really lonely at times and I'm also my own best friend at times. I've been told that loving yourself is the pre requisite for being in love with someone else. I believe it, so I don't even want to date someone until I get through this rough patch in my life.

It sounds like you want to be a better, happier person. You are clearly headed in the right direction whether you choose to do it drug free or not. You've got a lot going for you, even if it can be hard to believe sometimes. You're gonna get through this!

[Rev&Rush]

Hi! I said the love thing, cause I was the type of person that didnt believe that I'd have something like I have now. I thought people like me didn't get that kind of stuff. And it helps to have someone by your side. But I also spent a lot of time alone and developing my relationship with me. I still am.

I'm not sure if any medication does not have side effects. I know I haven't taken any that didn't have some effect I didn't want.

I know love is hard, but it is so necessary for everyone. Even if it's a love for family, friends co-workers, your dog:). It is essential for survival just like water & food. I think I'm saying just don't isolate yourself, not that you are... But actively love others without holding back. It's the best investment you can make. I'm off topic. Sorry...

[sky]

lol rev&rush, there is NO off topic on these boards. there are just digressions, and digressions, and then eventually circling back, usually by way of Vegas, our eventual trip to Vegas, and Breaking Bad, and yoga pants...

This IS a forum presumably filled with folks with ADD, so digressions are a OK.

and I agree that love is extremely important. wish I had more in my life myself. Probably better for mental health than any pill (assuming one is capable of love).

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Sky you're so right about this forum and it's digressions, I hadn't put it down to the ADD but you're probably right!

Speaking of which... re the looking forward/looking back/happiness concept, it's interesting. I thought I heard that too somewhere... that people who are foreward-thinking are more happy than those who "live in the past". But I was reflecting on it and I don't know that whoever said this had considered anxious people in to the equation. In the worst moments of my anxiety I am TERRIFIED of the future, so much to the point that it can pause any ability to make decisions. Does anyone else suffer this? Sometimes I wonder if I went on adderall binges to try to avoid worrying about the future... when I was high, I couldn't concentrate on anything other than the project right in front of me, so it avoided any big important thinking about things that matter, like the future.

And QO, I totally agree with you about dogs. They did a study once about the instances of when oxycontin (the "love" and bonding hormone) is released in the human body and the instances are really limited: after sex, females during breastfeeding, and.... dog owners petting their own dog (didn't happen with cats, or people petting other people's dogs, by the way). So your theory is clinically correct - dogs DO make people happier! I'd love to own a dog but I think it's cruel to have one in the city when typically I'm not at home all day.

[quit-once]

Sky you're so right about this forum and it's digressions, I hadn't put it down to the ADD but you're probably right!

Speaking of which... re the looking forward/looking back/happiness concept, it's interesting. I thought I heard that too somewhere... that people who are foreward-thinking are more happy than those who "live in the past". But I was reflecting on it and I don't know that whoever said this had considered anxious people in to the equation. In the worst moments of my anxiety I am TERRIFIED of the future, so much to the point that it can pause any ability to make decisions. Does anyone else suffer this? Sometimes I wonder if I went on adderall binges to try to avoid worrying about the future... when I was high, I couldn't concentrate on anything other than the project right in front of me, so it avoided any big important thinking about things that matter, like the future.

They did a study once about the instances of when oxycontin (the "love" and bonding hormone) is released in the human body and the instances are really limited:

Interesting observations about this looking forward and looking past thing. I took adderall for emotional numbness and so I could tend to the moment and not think about the future - and it worked very well for that at that time of my life.

MFA, Thank you for the laugh of the day. I think the hormone you are refering to is actually oxytocin. Oxycontin is also known as hillbilly heroin! But your point about dogs and happiness is both interesting and appreciated!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I think the hormone you are refering to is actually oxytocin. Oxycontin is also known as hillbilly heroin! But your point about dogs and happiness is both interesting and appreciated!

oops! Yes you're right... sorry about that!

But in case you're thinking I'm bullshitting I think if I remember rightly, I learned it from this amazing documentary, it's really wonderful... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HGPvs-TKLM

[Rev&Rush]

I can definitely see how looking ahead creates anxiety.

I feel like most people here are looking for day to day happiness. And the adderall makes every day like the f-ing merry old land of Oz. And you are productive, and praise follows! Along with admiration for being so smart and together, but underneath, i feel, it's slowly chipping away at your psyche. Thoughts become thin, emotions fake and you lose a little of yourself. I know many people really need medications but I feel like our bodies are telling us something when things are out of balance, even our thoughts.

I guess what mean is, in my opinion, amd i am not a dr but medication should be the last step. I know that so many people need crisis intervention, and the medication is needed now, but does everyone who takes it?

We live in such a rush rush now now now world with constant stimulation

Being thrown at us. Be happy, be smart, be awesome and you have to do it now cause time is running out, time is money, time is ticking. We don't take ANY time to really figure out what's really wrong. And I'm saying this with the exception of people in crisis.

[quit-once]

oops! Yes you're right... sorry about that!

But in case you're thinking I'm bullshitting I think if I remember rightly, I learned it from this amazing documentary, it's really wonderful... https://www.youtube....h?v=-HGPvs-TKLM

Hey thanks for that link. I just watched it - one of BBC's best documentaries. Highly recommend it if you like dogs.