ldmcniel Posted February 7, 2013 Report Share Posted February 7, 2013 I am sad to day that I had a relapse today . I am not going to make excuses for it because I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I have no one to blame except for myself. I am trying to be positive and tell my self " you made it 8 days, that is good, you have never done that before." I know I can beat this addiction. I did realize that I feel soooooooooooooooo much worse on Adderall than without. I hope I can keep remembering that anytime I get a craving. I do appreciate everyone's support on here. You guys helped me stay clean for the longest I have been since starting and I know that you will continue to support me as I pick myself up and move forward and not look back. I will do the same to all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted February 7, 2013 Report Share Posted February 7, 2013 I think it's really important to realize why you relapsed. You didn't say anything about it in this post. Not only remembering how shitty you felt on adderall, but knowing what triggers to look for is important. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ldmcniel Posted February 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2013 That is very true. I think part of it was trying to cope with and comprehend everything that is going on at home, work, and the biggest one is the suicides and attempts that have occurred in the past few months and this week has had the most. (see post from yesterday for a better explanation) I really have never been able to cope well in stressful situations, but I don't want to use Adderall as my coping mechanism. My non stop ADHD mind already has enough things running through it at all times. When I have to think about something that I wasn't thinking about before, it puts my brain into overload. I have really been trying to think of new ways to cope. Adderall definitely is NOT one of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sky Posted February 7, 2013 Report Share Posted February 7, 2013 seems like in honor of those who've been having a hard time and trying suicide, that doing something positive for your life would be a good idea... learning to live a healthy happy life and take the hard way out and learning to deal with triggers, cravings, and emotions in a healthy way. We're the lucky ones, who have found this site, and each other, and get an opportunity to make a choice to lead a different life than the one we've led, that didn't work for us. The unlucky ones go it alone, and succumb to their feelings, and try to kill those thoughts and feelings. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted February 7, 2013 Report Share Posted February 7, 2013 Ld, you are facing a really long uphill battle having ADHD and no adderall, ESP if you've taken it for a long time. You don't have any "inbuilt" natural mechanisms to help you manage your time or stress or workload. And you have to learn all those things without the drug, from scratch, with a deficit now of depression given your brain is in dopamine withdrawal. It's understandable you relapsed. But I will remind you that this will never get easier, it will only get harder the longer you stay on the adderall merry go round. Every time you quit and then relapse you undo some of the initial inroads you've made by yourself. Quitting sucks, but being free and knowing you can cope with what life throws at you without having to take a pill is the best feeling in the world. Do you have a plan to get back on track? Also, did you trash the stash? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post lea Posted February 7, 2013 Popular Post Report Share Posted February 7, 2013 this will never get easier, it will only get harder the longer you stay on the adderall merry go round. Every time you quit and then relapse you undo some of the initial inroads you've made by yourself. Quitting sucks, but being free and knowing you can cope with what life throws at you without having to take a pill is the best feeling in the world. Very well said. I am sometimes shocked that I have the capacity to get things done after only a month quit -- with ADD! I have learned a lot of strategies from the reading list in books that focus on retraining the brain. I don't want to sound like it's easy ... baby steps ... but I also have to say that feeling good about simple things feels good. My brain has been freed from a lot of the drama of addiction which feels strange at times but good overall. Start over today! Make a plan and trash the stash. What helps me lot is reading some of the crazy shit I wrote about being high, coming down, guilt, shame ...and reading them over and over again. And reading this site which always gives me hope. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted February 8, 2013 Report Share Posted February 8, 2013 ldmcniel, good for you for wanting tomorrow to be day 1 again! Because every time I've relapsed, I go right back on the bandwagon, big time, and I know I'm not the only one..... and that's the ultimate loss of progress. Sometimes it takes multiple attempts to quit, and even though you lost some of the healing your brain has done, you've already put in some high quality "practice" days prior to your relapse, where you "practiced" and trained yourself to have the willpower, the drive, the motivation, to go adderall-free....to get through the day. You know what you're in for, you know that you CAN go without it, and hopefully that momentum will carry you forward after this little relapse. Now, flush those pills and get on with it! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ldmcniel Posted February 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2013 Thank you all for the support. I actually didn't have any of my own prescription so someone that I know gave me a few. I just re read my original post and I thought " damn! I even write like a boring robot when on Adderall." So, another day one over!!! It was a very unusual day at work! I am not sure if it was a full moon or what! The good thing is that I had to find humor in a lot of situations today because if I wouldn't have laughed, I would of broke down. This was actually the day that I needed. It realize that I would NOT have been able to get through it on Adderall! I had to be me, the real me!! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted February 8, 2013 Report Share Posted February 8, 2013 idmcniel, you have a great attitude. keep it up!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ldmcniel Posted February 9, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2013 Day 2 (again) . I had the worst panic attack at work today. Its very hard to maintain your composer while you feel like you are going to pass out, scream, cry, die, vomit, fart, etc...but I did it the best I could. Made it through another day without the orange devil and I am still alive!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sky Posted February 9, 2013 Report Share Posted February 9, 2013 Good Job!!!!!!!!!!!! keep it up. It gets easier to deal with the urges as you go... soon you'll let them pass unrequited, knowing that they last for a few minutes at least, and if you don't act on them they just go away... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 11, 2013 Report Share Posted February 11, 2013 As hard,hard, hard.as it is...and its damn fuckin hard I know cuz I've been there....but in the face of adderall,cocaine ...percocets,crack or heroin...just this hideous war on drugs in general....it will always be our choice. ..to use or not to use...To be an addict or not. That pain for me, is solely self chosen. In the face of triggers,chaos,bad days...death ...financial ruin...I and only I can choose to navigate even the worst case scenario without adderall and I will get through it....or I can handle it with a pill....then that worst case scenario will still remain and I have just multiplied all the bullshit by 100. That's just my opinion on my life anyway. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted February 13, 2013 Report Share Posted February 13, 2013 Hey LD, how's it going? Just checking in as I don't think you've posted for a couple of days? (sorry if I missed it)... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ldmcniel Posted February 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 Hey LD, how's it going? Just checking in as I don't think you've posted for a couple of days? (sorry if I missed it)... No you haven't missed anything. I haven't been on the computer. My back went out and I haven't been able to get around as good. The good part is that it is helping me stay away from Adderall. Also, My husband and children are constently around me so I couldn't even sneak one if I wanted to. Thank you for caring and checking on me. It's good to feel like people care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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