Day 16/intro, hello!

[ETigerlily]

Hello everyone!

I've been on this site everyday for the past few weeks but finally decided to post. I love reading forums like reddit and feel like personal stories make a big difference when you're isolated on any kind of personal journey/issue. I'm so grateful to have found this website. I would love to connect with you guys personally as I feel so alone in this.

I'm 24 years old, was prescribed Vyvanse and Wellbutrin at age 14 but only took the Vyvanse occasionally up until college (age 19). Since then, I have taken it nearly everyday. I knew it changed my personality (more anxious, less silly/inspired) and made me very moody particularly in the evenings but I felt like it was the only way I could find joy in life. I have always dealt with depression, but at 19 I had set up my life to where everything I did was against the needs of my soul & spirit. I was BS'ing my way through online school, living in a big depressing city, and had started modeling with a big agency to make some money and feel like I was doing something exciting with my life. I'm a very introverted sensitive person and have always struggled to make friends. I was alone and miserable. I started abusing Vyvanse, my prescribed dose was 50mg but I would take 70mg a day at times. I know it's minor compared to most cases of abuse, but the drug took up the majority of my psyche and became the most important thing in my life. I would take it every other day to combat the rising tolerance and need to get high just to feel like I was happy for those few precious morning hours. Every evening I crashed I was completely suicidal, and on the days in between I was too fatigued and depressed to do anything.

This was the saga of my day to day life for 3 years until I finally discovered my true passion as a jeweler and got into the craft. I lowered my dose to 40mg, and took it everyday aside from the occasional once every week or two tolerance break day. This drug allowed me to succeed in my craft, but I was a robot, ignoring any family and friends and turning to alcohol every night to wind down. I eventually went down to 30mg when I turned 23 and have been there since. Although my side effects are much less at this dose, my addiction is still severe- I would absolutely PANIC when my script was out. Every night I still had some form of existential crisis, and my boyfriend was sick of my laser hyper focus in the mornings when I couldn't be present with him and enjoy a coffee. I was sick of it too.

On May 13, I told myself I'm taking a 2 week Vyvanse break. That was my goal. I wanted to beat my psychological an physical addiction and use it only as a tool for work 1-2x a week at most. The longest I've gone without it in 5 years is 5 days once or twice. I can't believe I actually achieved 14 days. I was bedridden most of the time but managed to exercise, get a few work related things done, and feel so much more present with my family, friends, and boyfriend. In between my general anhedonia I had a few glimmers of happiness unique to anything I've felt in years. But damn it was hard.

Once I reached the 2 week mark, I didn't know what to do with myself. My family convinced me to try to go 1 month, keep going even longer. I didn't plan on abstinence, but I didn't know what to do. So now I am at day 16. I feel like since then, I've felt even worse. I think it's because my body expected the drug as a reward for my hard work of 2 week abstinence, and then it didn't get that reward so now its protesting. I feel so numb. I woke up early, went on run, then got a giant coffee, and nearly fell asleep after drinking it. I spent the rest of the day staring at a wall. I don't even want to watch any tv or anything because I don't have enough dopamine to care. I can't stop thinking of Vyvanse and I worry that pushing the abstinence thing is making the addiction worse. It's like I'm glorifying it so much more than ever now.

Does anyone have experience with taking it once a week or occasionally after beating addiction- just to get some things done? Is it possible, or is abstinence the only way to go? I am desperate for some guidance.

 

[Teresa]

I don't know if that's possible when you're addicted. Some people can do that but probably very few. I took it daily I abused it I was taking Adderall and my prescription was 60 mg per day some days I took 40 some days I took 90 but I always ran out. My husband would take a quarter of one once in awhile,and I was like why bother? Or he'd take a half ... He could take it or leave it ...not me.

I have been clean since January 16th and I'm still struggling with having no energy. I have been contemplating taking ambilify it is supposed to balance out your dopamine and serotonin it definitely doesn't make you feel like Adderall by any means. But it's supposed to improve your mood. I may try that because I don't feel like my dopamine is improving at all I take supplements and some days I feel good if we get out and do something but I just look forward to bedtime everyday. I'm just starting to read a book called it's not supposed to be this way . Finding unexpected strength when disappointments leave you shattered it seems like it's going to be a really good book.

You are only 24 I am 61 I deceived myself thinking that all my side effects were because I cleaned houses for 20 years new construction and it was hard work My hands hurt my fingers were stiff I had arthritis setting in my arms for my shoulders down would be numb in the morning My blood pressure was high...After stopping the Adderall all of that went away. I still have trouble sleeping at night but the fact that my body feels so much better is reason enough for me never to go back because I know if something happened I wouldn't die I would be an invalid faced with my choices that I made and how it affected everybody else. Adderall, Vyvanse it's all the devil's drug. You are young you will bounce back. You just need to find hope in something else. This forum is an excellent place to find encouragement. I really need to get out and exercise I went for a jog around the park and I was so winded and out of shape I could have just died. I couldn't believe how out of shape I was. I'm not overweight so I know I can do this. 

Please stay strong and stay clean you will not regret it. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you you can do it without medication. I talked to my friends about it I blurt out my addiction and I don't really care what they think most of them seem to be understanding and it really seems to help me stay accountable to myself.

I'm kind of rambling. But I took Adderall for years and years I wished I would have quit taking it years and years ago.

If you need someone to talk to I am here and I will listen I totally understand what you're going through.

[ETigerlily]

Thanks for your encouragement Teresa! I was so tempted to take a pill that next morning but after reading your post I took it as a sign to just wait. Oddly enough, once that craving reached a fever pitch and I chose to let it pass, my withdrawal symptoms seemed to suddenly improve. The past few days I've felt a lot better. 

Have you tried L-tyrosine supplements? I've been taking that daily and I assume it's helped. It's funny you mention running because I've actually been forcing myself to run most days even though I have always struggled with it and never made it past 2 miles at the height of my fitness. The key is running very very slow. I use the app strava to track how far I'm running and listen to a good playlist. Everyday I run .1 miles more than the last, and I've made it up to 3.5 miles! It honestly helps so much. I never feel like doing it and always suffer at the start but it eases up. Just take it really slow. It's definitely possible and will help you gain some natural energy.