BUT EVERYBODY DOES IT!

[LADYLUCK]

Hey heyyy. I'm a 24 year old chick in SD. Before I tell my story, I will warn y'all that I'm having a comedown from my "last" adderall. Again. Hopefully a reminder to somebody out there as to why you're on the journey to staying sober.

Been on it for 5 years without a prescription because I don't trust myself to have one. I'd pop them like skittles. The fact that I have to go out of my way to buy them off others is probably saving my life. My tolerance is extreme... I can easily take 120-150 milligrams on a good day when my friends or boss gets a refill (I countdown to the doctors appointment day). In a sick twisted way, I can appreciate my friend's being in love with addy like me so they can never spare enough. Hey, they're probably saving me from an overdose?

Oddly enough, I am the one who introduced these pills to my clique because I wanted to share the magic with them. That's my number one regret.

It started as a homework drug (straight A's yet I've always been a C average kinda gal). Then, I became dependent on it to party with my girls because drinking makes me tired. And now I never black out from pounding too many shots! Plus, it cures a hangover in 20 minutes.

But, In all reality, the addy is ruining our fun girls nights out because we spend hours perfecting our makeup and hair that we don't even make it to the bars till 1130. Since when did we care this much?! For Facebook pictures that we will spend hours cropping and filtering?! PATHETIC. I miss letting loose & being comfortable in my own skin.

Grades, party, and oh yes!!! We do addy to get shit done! One of our favorite activities these days is cleaning the fuck out of our apartment. Every cupboard is organized. Our dvd's are in alphabetical order. Haha. And one time, the highlight of 2013... I scrubbed the walls on an all nighter that my wrist ached for 3 days. There is nothing else to clean so lately it's been pretty boring around here.

Ohhhh the skinny thing. I quit addy once for 5 months and I became pretty grisly. I loved my sober life but addy seemed to be the only fix it cure for losing 15 lbs in a week or 2. I stopped talking to my parents and am cautious what pics I post on Facebook in fear they will know I relapsed again. I'm rib skinny. No gym ever. It's sick.

And my favorite thing in the world to do on addy... Chain smoke ciggys. I am probably strung out enough to say that I'm ruining my pretty face. I've aged quick! But it's like heaven...even though I have to hide out on my porch because I'm totally ashamed. I've never looked like the type of girl who smokes cigs (girly girl)...but last night I took a pic of myself and now I do.

Well long story but what it comes down to is that I HATE ADDERALL. I hate it. It's destroyed my passion, hobbies (even though I'll make lists of potential hobbies to try), and friends. We are no longer even getting along because we can't seem to take the time to listen to each other because we are fighting to talk!

Problem is... I've been dyyyyying to quit but nobody is down. They talk me out of it every time & will offer a free 30 mili (my favorite) to begin another pointless project with them. I live with these people... So it's everywhere. Sometimes I quit for a day or 2 because I fucking hate relying on pills..,and i hide out in my bedroom and feast... & it's so boring! I've been wanting to be sober for years now but keep putting it off.

So tonight, once again, I decided to google Adderall support meetings because NA & AA are filled with heroine junkies & ex convicts that I can't relate to. Yes, i tried that mulitple times in hopes to find a sponsor I could connect with. There is absolutely no help for adderall addicts in San Diego unless you fork out a shitpile of money for rehab.

But then, I found this website & it inspired me on an whole another level. Mike's words had me captivated and I just spent the last 4 hours of my comedown reading. I took snapshots on my phone of paragraphs that made my heart pound out of my chest because it gave me a glimpse of hope. Mike, whoever the hell u are... You just changed my whole perspective of quitting. You reminded me that I'm dying inside to live. I miss living. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I miss me.

But what really sunk in is that you promised I'd find myself again over time & that this battle can win the war. I believe u. I'm ready. I can do this.

I QUIT.

[LADYLUCK]

I apologize for posting 3 times & unsure how to delete my other drafts. Typing fast on an iPhone! Whoops!

[LADYLUCK]

Gosh, having a comedown & reading these stories makes me want to tell more.

I also have a huge problem with weed. I quit weed 4 days ago but now i'm drinking wine really to help me sleep. Tonight, my last night, I have nothing so I can't sleep (3rd night in a row and I look like shit).

Weed helps my days when I can't get my hands on pills & distracts my comedowns. I've smoked for about 4 years so my friends can no longer tell I'm high.. Or they just accepted the stoner that I've become. I quit 4 days ago because I thought it was making me lazy... But reality it's the addy. I'd pick addy over weed any day but they go nicely together.

My body is aching. And I live in this beautiful town home with 2 other addicted addy chicks and I just opened my window to smoke a cig. Great. Now I have to wash my sheets again and I stuffed a towel under my door to hide the smell. Who the fuck am I? I'm disgusted with myself. Thank God I'm not the only one going through this.

Pray for me please. I hate myself.

[BeHereNow]

Hey, Ladyluck,

Are you sure you're ready to quit? The way you just sang adderall's praises for the first half of that post makes it sound like you're still "in love" with it.... actually, your descriptions of how much it's still working for you are kind of a trigger for me, I kinda wish someone would hand me a 30........but not really, because I know that it only goes downhill. It stops being fun and it stops working.

It's great though that you're reaching the point where you're done with it, and you sound like you have some genuine reasons for that. Honestly, it sounds like you might need to change your living situation if you truly want to quit. If you're around it all the time and being handed pills like candy, that will give you daily triggers and opportunities for relapse. I know these are your good friends. But many studies and stories have shown that in quitting a substance, any substance, we often have to change our social ties to find people who won't influence us to relapse.

Good luck!

[LILTEX41]

Ladyluck,

Thank you for reminding me why I am sober today. I was having a bad morning up until I read your post just now. Sometimes in sobriety, I struggle thinking I'm missing out on partying, but your post just brought it all back for me - what my addiction was really like and I don't want that life back. I used to be a cleaning nazi too. There was never enough plain and simple. I felt empty inside an no amount of substances could fill that hole. I just needed more and more. So thank you for posting even if you are not ready now, know you've helped me today.

I agree with Occasional. When and if you are ready, it would probably be best to get a new living situation. I can't even imagine trying to get clean while being around people are taking it. I had to cut ties with using friends. It just wasn't a good fit to be around others as it was a major trigger to want to use again.

If you want this, you're right. You CAN do this!

We'll be here if you need us for help.

Hugs, lil tex

[lea]

But then, I found this website & it inspired me on an whole another level. Mike's words had me captivated and I just spent the last 4 hours of my comedown reading. I took snapshots on my phone of paragraphs that made my heart pound out of my chest because it gave me a glimpse of hope. Mike, whoever the hell u are... You just changed my whole perspective of quitting. You reminded me that I'm dying inside to live. I miss living. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I miss me.

But what really sunk in is that you promised I'd find myself again over time & that this battle can win the war. I believe u. I'm ready. I can do this.

Ladyluck -- You're in a bad situation you desperately need to get yourself out of and I pray you find the strength to do it. On here you will find moving stories of people who no longer use adderall -- let them inspire you. This is what did it for me -- stumbling onto this site during one of many sleepless adderall binges and seeing that yes, there IS another way. It's not easy but it's do-able! Keep reading Mike's articles -- I read every one of them many times until I finally got it. You will too and you can do this if you choose to.

[Greg]

Are you ready to seriously consider moving out? Like everyone said, you are in a rough situation where all of you are encouraging one another just by the fact that you are all doing it.

Can you see realistically see yourself staying off it while they are all doing it...while living with them?

Beating Addiction is a hard process with lots of very difficult steps you have to make to be one of the 1 in 35 who statistically gets clean for good. But if you keep up with this site and follow the advice you'll learn all the tips and advice you need to beat it,

[ashley6]

Everyone has given you great advice above. There's nothing I disagree with that has been said. It's very concerning to me the pedestal you put adderall on. Your post started out as advocating adderall. I strongly agree with everyone above that getting away from living with people using is so important, maybe necessary. I'm not trying to be a pessimist, but all of us on this site know how hard quitting is, even after cutting off our doctor access and/or "dealers." I wish you the best, and you CAN quit, if it's what you truly want. Life gets so much better on the other side of addiction.

[LADYLUCK]

Thank you for the responses! I reread my post & it does sound like I put addy on a pedestal because I was trying to state why I do it.

But truth is i've been ready to quit for years. Today is day 1 (again). I feel physically tired but emotionally excited. I told my roomies & even read them some articles from this site. Even if they don't want to quit... I did my part by making them question it a little (especially reading how it effects their life & looks in the long run).

I am sooooooooo positive about it this time. Only because this site made me strong. I miss my passion and life. Y'all can doubt me because of how my post came across... But guys, this is the reality of adderallics & how they justified it for so long. Does that mean I'm not ready? Fuck no! I will prove it by continuing to post my recovery

And I can't move out. It's my place. I am not going to kick them out because they aren't ready to live life like me. If they end up becoming a problem to my recovery this time, then yes I'll make actions.

Some of your responses saying "you're not ready" makes me laugh. Reread my post... Does it sound like adderall is benefitting me? I wrote WHY I have justified it for so long... and you have all been there making excuses for it too! Support other adderallics to make changes instead of suggesting they aren't ready.

Watch me shine! You will see!

[Heather67]

Hey girl...welcome and stoked for you that you have found some really relatatable information on this site...it is indeed a drug that only a user. or an abuser can relate to. Embarking on any task with enthusiasm is a good mind set...don't let it fool with you...and nothing will be said from my end to try to intentionally dampen your spirits....the shit is going to give all its got to fuck with you, if it didn't at the start of a quit...you'd be the first I've heard of to escape it. You have a healthy habbit....you'll hear of much lesser amounts and also higher ...I was 100 lbs. 5'5" and taking thirty ...yup..thirty 30 mgs a day when I went to rehab in 2006. I came out and stayed clean till about 2 years ago...threw it all away to go back to what I had come to hate...adderall. I have 2 months clean ,a 3 year old son,a recovering heroin addict husband doing 4 years in prison...no money,no car,no job ..it would appear that life is pretty shitty,well,kinda...but I have recently been reminded to kinda appreciate what I have ...one key item mentioned was a life free of addiction that can be whatever it wants to be....biggest most important statement ever. That's where the core of a quit should be ..but usually comes in time...you have got to hold your own over any pusher "friend"...oh,they aren't really friends either if they know the deal and keep dropping a 30 in your lap(and free too!! Wow!) over any task or project,over the depression,the exhaustion and the weight gain...all of us ladies hate that part a real lot. You can't take adderall under any circumstances in the face of any crystal-clear reality,or mind fuck that comes a calling on you. You have to accept a little constructive observation and critiquing via people who know what your going thru. In a nutshell,ya gotta stare one mighty mother fucker down and get your life back, free of addiction,ask for help(which you have) and hang on tight. I do believe anyone can do it,people prove it on here everyday...but sometimes all components not being in go mode at once,can cause a lot of people to come and go round here. So the choice is anyone's to make and I love to see people shine on here. LOL.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

You certainly do have a leadership quality, lady luck! You influenced your household to take adderall and now are looking at the monster you created. I'm sorry that feel lonely, but I'd recommend you use your leadership skills and apply them to leading your own recovery process. You'll very much need to stand on your own two feet through this which will be tough.

As you know, one of the things that Mike says on this site is how important it is to have people around you who will support you and understand what you're going through. Sounds like you're going to be surrounded by people who will be the opposite of that.

Also, just in defense of my teammates here on the site, I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone who wanted you to fail... quite the opposite, we do wish you well, but we also recognize that you've got a long road ahead and part of that road is recognizing that the negatives FAR outweigh the positives. I'm not saying you haven't done that, but I guess you didn't lead with that, so maybe we were misled.

Keep us informed on how you're doing. Tell your friends about your quit. You never know, maybe you'll be leading a revolution in your own home.

[Heather67]

Thank you for the responses! I reread my post & it does sound like I put addy on a pedestal because I was trying to state why I do it.

But truth is i've been ready to quit for years. PToday is day 1 (again). I feel physically tired but emotionally excited. I told my roomies & even read them some articles from this site. Even if they don't want to quit... I did my part by making them question it a little (especially reading how it effects their life & looks in the long run).

I am sooooooooo positive about it this time. Only because this site made me strong. I miss my passion and life. Y'all can doubt me because of how my post came across... But guys, this is the reality of adderallics & how they justified it for so long. Does that mean I'm not ready? Fuck no! I will prove it by continuing to post my recovery

And I can't move out. It's my place. I am not going to kick them out because they aren't ready to live life like me. If they end up becoming a problem to my recovery this time, then yes I'll make actions.

Some of your responses saying "you're not ready" makes me laugh. Reread my post... Does it sound like adderall is benefitting me? I wrote WHY I have justified it for so long... and you have all been there making excuses for it too! Support other adderallics to make changes instead of suggesting they aren't ready.

Watch me shine! You will see!

you may not agree with everything said,how its said, or why its said...but who knows an Addie addicts habbits and characteristics better than another Addie addict. That is all part of supporting each other..it wont always be confetti and sparkles..so to speak.

[quit-once]

I told my roomies & even read them some articles from this site. Even if they don't want to quit... I did my part by making them question it a little (especially reading how it effects their life & looks in the long run).

And I can't move out. It's my place. I am not going to kick them out because they aren't ready to live life like me. If they end up becoming a problem to my recovery this time, then yes I'll make actions.

You gotta do more than make your friends and roomies "question it a little". Time for some new house rules and since its your house - you have to make the rules. They need to know you are deadly serious about this quitting thing. Tell them they are jepardizing their own good living situations if they ever offer you another pill or leave their pills laying around. You have to tell them what you will tollerate and what you will not allow. If they can't support you with this most important effort to quit, are they really your friends or are they simply your adderall addiction enablers?

[LADYLUCK]

I think this website is going to get me through this. Can't stop talking about it.

Tomorrow I plan on coming clean to the parents... YIKES.

I wanna respond to ya guys more and have more to say but this girl needs some sleep! Lol. Day 1 was sorta fun. I've been silly & laughing even though I can't get off the couch.

Thank you for the positive vibes & reaching out, means more then u know. It's what I have to hold on to as a support system.

Goodnight fellow addy haters!!!!! I will keep u posted & write more as soon as I cAn find the energy!

I'm excited and positive!!

[Leila]

I think this website is going to get me through this. Can't stop talking about it.

Tomorrow I plan on coming clean to the parents... YIKES.

I wanna respond to ya guys more and have more to say but this girl needs some sleep! Lol. Day 1 was sorta fun. I've been silly & laughing even though I can't get off the couch.

Thank you for the positive vibes & reaching out, means more then u know. It's what I have to hold on to as a support system.

Goodnight fellow addy haters!!!!! I will keep u posted & write more as soon as I cAn find the energy!

I'm excited and positive!!

I think telling your parents will be a HUGE help for you! I have been stuck on addy for 8 yrs (but would randomly pop some for fun since highschool-15 yrs ago!) and I never told my parents until a month ago. That's what has given me the most courage to want to stop.

Your living situation is gonna be hard... even just having friends on addy that don't live with me makes it hard to stop. just their existence is a temptation, lol. But hopefully you'll see how haggard and tweaked out they look to your newly sober eyes. And good god, let me tell you again how much adderall DESTROYS your beauty. I used to model. I took adderall, I was thin. BUT I had/have bad skin, dark circles, brittle hair/nails, dull eyes. Now that I've been on it 8 yrs I look horrible...my pores are huge, my skin is dry & I'm getting wrinkles, my muscles have deteriorated, my teeth have yellowed. And my friends who use it look pretty bad too. Some started loosing their looks after only a few months, some years...

You know that song A-team? It's about a girl addicted to coke or crack, but these lyrics make me cry because it's what happened to me:

"Been this way since eighteen

But lately her face seems

Slowly sinking, wasting

Crumbling like pastries..."

I'm 30. You seem young. Don't let this happen to you. Losing your looks is the least painful thing...but it's the one that's hard to deny. Do everything you can to stop. Get your parent's help.

[BeHereNow]

And good god, let me tell you again how much adderall DESTROYS your beauty. I used to model. I took adderall, I was thin. BUT I had/have bad skin, dark circles, brittle hair/nails, dull eyes. Now that I've been on it 8 yrs I look horrible...my pores are huge, my skin is dry & I'm getting wrinkles, my muscles have deteriorated, my teeth have yellowed. And my friends who use it look pretty bad too. Some started loosing their looks after only a few months, some years...

Right on Leila. I agree, over time, adderall destroys beauty, inner and outer. It makes your skin all pale with dark circles. I've seen it bring out peoples' OCD skin mutilating behavior (squeezing pores, tweezing, etc) until their skin is all scarred up. I've seen it bring out the cigarette smokers in people which is a direct road to premature aging. Because you get to be so malnourished, adderall affects everything-- hair, skin, eyes. It makes peoples' eyes look so......distant? almost empty? The skinniness doesn't even look good, it looks scary and malnourished. Loss of muscle tone for advanced stages, because it seems like most adderallics become sedentary over time. For some people, it eventually starts causing weight GAIN.

Beauty is also gestures.... how we carry ourselves, how we speak. Adderall destroys all of that with the destruction of the personality. It ages you prematurely, mentally and physically.

Adderall makes it harder to smile. It empties the smile out into fakeness. And what's more important to beauty than a smile?

When I look at photos of myself when I was on adderall, I want to delete them because I look SOO not like myself.... I look older.... tired.....overly made-up to hide the paleness and dark circles....I look insecure. Sad.

So, I have to echo Leila's advice (especially as another 30 year old with years of experience on this drug--and a few years of experience seeing myself age): Quit while you're ahead!!!!!

[lea]

And the good news is... both inner and outer beauty are restored after quitting. Healthy lifestyle, vitamins, time outdoors and being around people help expedite these things but mostly, there's no substitute for feeling good naturally and changing your lifestyle -- the good ole fashioned way.

[Heather67]

Yeah...but where did our fellow adderall hater go???????

[BeHereNow]

Yeah...but where did our fellow adderall hater go???????

GOOD QUESTION Heather........!

[LADYLUCK]

Heyyyy guys! I'm here!!!! Day 5!!!!!!! Feeling amazing and happy! Just been sleeping and haven't had much to say unless it was to bitch. Hahaha. I'm still here!!!! Anyone live in San Diego?

[Heather67]

Good to hear. I was wondering how you're end of the bargain (so to speak) was goin pertaining to you're kicking it post. Keep it up...sorry on San Diego ...east coast all up in here. LOL

[sky]

I'm west coast, not far at all from SD..... depending on the time of day.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Do I feel an episode of "The Californians" coming on?

[Searchingsoul9]

Thank you for the responses! I reread my post & it does sound like I put addy on a pedestal because I was trying to state why I do it.

But truth is i've been ready to quit for years. Today is day 1 (again). I feel physically tired but emotionally excited. I told my roomies & even read them some articles from this site. Even if they don't want to quit... I did my part by making them question it a little (especially reading how it effects their life & looks in the long run).

I am sooooooooo positive about it this time. Only because this site made me strong. I miss my passion and life. Y'all can doubt me because of how my post came across... But guys, this is the reality of adderallics & how they justified it for so long. Does that mean I'm not ready? Fuck no! I will prove it by continuing to post my recovery

And I can't move out. It's my place. I am not going to kick them out because they aren't ready to live life like me. If they end up becoming a problem to my recovery this time, then yes I'll make actions.

Some of your responses saying "you're not ready" makes me laugh. Reread my post... Does it sound like adderall is benefitting me? I wrote WHY I have justified it for so long... and you have all been there making excuses for it too! Support other adderallics to make changes instead of suggesting they aren't ready.

Watch me shine! You will see!

I like that you are so positive. Everyone here means well. They want to see you succeed. But use this to fuel your fiery desire to quit! Get angry and prove everyone wrong.

As long as you are 100% ready to quit, you can. But, i do have to agree that the living situation is horrible.

When i first abused adderall in high school, i was abusing it with my best friend. It ruined our relationship in some ways.

She quit and i kept trying to pressure her into taking it. She fell victim to my peer pressure and popped pills again for a while with me. Eventually she stopped for good and i stopped for a couple of years.

It put a strain on our friendship though.

Are these girls good friends of yours? Are they good people with good hearts? Did they act like good friends before the adderall?

If they are just plain superficial, pill popping idiots then you need to ditch them.

If you do really care about them, then keep sending them articles and such. I mean, obviously you cannot force them to quit too, but it can't hurt.

Quitting adderall in general is hard (at least the first 2 weeks), but quitting while your two best friends are high in front of you is going to be a hell of a lot harder, and you need to be prepared for it.

My best advice would be to avoid them for the first couple of weeks. I know you all live together, but you should just hide out in your room the first week, then hang in town, the library, with other friends.

I am not saying you can't do it, because i think you can. Just be prepared for the struggle so you can deal with it better.

And post on here a lot too. That will certainly help.

Good luck

[sky]

...

I sort of turned a friend/peer onto addy early on when I first started using it... he seemed like someone who'd definitely dig it, and he did, got his own scrip and everything. Then when I quit I told him why, and he sort of supported it, but he still takes it. I do think everyone has to come to terms with why they ought to quit on their own... we all know that all the articles in the world don't get us closer to quitting until that day we realize we need to quit... Cigarettes anyone? fuckin the worst thing you can do, and yet people still smoke knowing it's horrible... I did. folks with emphysema still smoke. So really, kinda like AA/NA credo, you gotta show people by example- attraction not promotion.