ashley6 Posted March 20, 2013 Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 I know this isn't a forum for this kind of stuff, but when it comes to life decisions, I know I base a lot of my decisions on fear. I'm finally starting to learn to cope with life again, without the influence of adderall to make my decisions, or lack thereof for me. As you know, I've been "with" a guy for 2.5 years, with no promise of commitment. I've recently started hanging out with another guy, only two or three times, but a new prospect is fun. My problem is whether I can cut the cord on my long-term faux relationship. I know I can't do both, and even if there's nothing with this new guy, it's really not good to juggle both. I'm so scared of letting go of Jeremy, my long-term guy for reasons I'm unsure of. Obviously I care about him, but I feel there's some unhealthy attachment there. He's a good person, and we've gone through a lot, but there comes a time when no future in this relationship is no longer good for me. It's kind of sick that I feel like I can't cut off one until I have a prospect for another. Wrong wrong wrong. Gentleman, I know you aren't a fan of these questions, but any advice from you or the ladies would be fabulous. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted March 20, 2013 Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 Ashley, so are you saying if your bf were to propose or talk about the possibility of a future together then you would stay? Have you guys ever discussed it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 We've discussed it so many times, and he's made it quite clear that there isn't marriage in our future. I've been that girl that sticks around for less than what I deserve. People kept telling me when I got some clean time, I'd start seeing things differently. And that's happening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted March 20, 2013 Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 I say cut the cord on the faux bf - at least while you explore the possibility of the new guy. Why not??? You can always come back and revisit your decision later. 2.5 years is a long time to go without a commitment girlfriend! You deserve so much better 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted March 20, 2013 Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 I know this isn't a forum for this kind of stuff, but when it comes to life decisions, I know I base a lot of my decisions on fear. I'm finally starting to learn to cope with life again, without the influence of adderall to make my decisions, or lack thereof for me. As you know, I've been "with" a guy for 2.5 years, with no promise of commitment. I've recently started hanging out with another guy, only two or three times, but a new prospect is fun. My problem is whether I can cut the cord on my long-term faux relationship. I know I can't do both, and even if there's nothing with this new guy, it's really not good to juggle both. I'm so scared of letting go of Jeremy, my long-term guy for reasons I'm unsure of. Obviously I care about him, but I feel there's some unhealthy attachment there. He's a good person, and we've gone through a lot, but there comes a time when no future in this relationship is no longer good for me. It's kind of sick that I feel like I can't cut off one until I have a prospect for another. Wrong wrong wrong. Gentleman, I know you aren't a fan of these questions, but any advice from you or the ladies would be fabulous. Please girl, you are not in the wrong for wanting a new guy first before letting go of the old.I do the same thing. It's just logical, in my opinion. I don't know anything about your long term boy thing, but i do know that such a relationship can and will hold you back. Personally, id say keep both around until you figure out if you really do like this new one, but maybe that's not the best advice. Do you want to be committed? If so, tell your boy that and give him an ultimatum. If not, then play the field, have fun, and keep anyone negative out of your life. Good luck 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 Thanks ladies. Your advice is much appreciated. I'll keep you posted....in case you care about my love life Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted March 20, 2013 Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 Does he act like he doesn't want to ever get married to anyone or just doesn't see a relationship with you? Sounds like you want more from a man and I don't blame you! You deserve to be with someone great and who can't wait to spend the rest of their life with you in my opinion. I think you have already made up your mind and are just having a hard time letting go. I had to do the same thing with my ex. I wish I could tell you I found the man of my dreams and I'm living happily ever after, but he just hasn't shown up yet. I know he's out there somewhere though. I haven't dated much in my sobriety, but I think it's because I'm so dang picky now. I'm just not willing to settle and put up with being mistreated the way I used to. It feels good to finally feel good about who I am today. I think God has something better in store for us down the road! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted March 20, 2013 Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 I think it's normal in your 20s to hold on to lackluster relationships longer than you should, out of convenience or fear of being alone. When you're in your 30s you'll look back and wonder what the hell took you so long. See, liltex is in her 30s and she ain't willing to settle 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted March 20, 2013 Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 Ashley, I'm going to make you a bet. I bet you anything you like (that can be gifted over the internet) that as SOON as you break it off with your current beau, and move on, you will be a) happier and he will come begging for more. There's a lot of psychology around this but I can only speak from my own experience. I've had 3 long term relationships in my life: my first husband (I was married when I was 20, can you believe it?!), the next guy whom I moved from London to NY with, and my now husband, whom I've been with for nearly 10 years (married for 3). The middle guy and I have an interesting story. I was very insecure when I first met him... I was living in London, my husband had just left me, I was depressed and working in a different industry and was on my own for the first time in my life, and he offered to take care of me.... not in a sugar daddy kind of way but as a kind of patriarchal way. He was a lot older than me, and was senior to me in his work, even though we worked for the same company. I learned to rely on him way too much, and when he announced to me that he was moving to NY, I gave up my European residency permit which I would have had for the rest of my life to move to NY to be with him. We moved in together then, and that's when I realized I'd made the worst and best decisions of my life. I loved NY, he hated it. I was at home, he was out of his element. I began to go from strength to strength, make new friends, love life, and all he did was work and complain. So I decided to leave him, finally, and although he had never expressed interest in marrying me till that point, he was so desperate when I tried to leave that he actually called me on my cellphone as I was on the tarmac one day waiting to take off on a long trip, to propose to me. When I said we needed to talk about it when I got home, he childishly said he needed to know now or it was off. So I said, "well I guess it's off then", and it was the best feeling in the world. He begged me to come back and I felt stronger than I ever felt at that moment. 6 months later, I met my new guy. I was 31, and for me that was the best time ever to meet someone. I was more myself, more assured, more ok with my life and he fell in love with the me that I wanted to be. So sorry about the long story, but I hope it shows you that perhaps this too is an exercise in believeing in yourself and taking a risk that you know in your heart might be the right thing. I think you need to start learning to listen to your instincts, Ashley. They usually serve us right! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted March 21, 2013 Report Share Posted March 21, 2013 Ashley!! Two things: 1) Life is shorter than we can imagine! 2) You are better than you even realize! Conclusion: Your life is too short and too precious, and you are way, way too good, to be wasting any more of your time on someone who isn't treating you like a queen. You deserve to be with someone who respects you, challenges you, and makes you happy. You know, today is the first day of spring...... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2013 This is exactly why I come here with these issues. You ladies have given me some of the best advice, positivity, while your life experiences to help me, and you're all freaking awesome. Thank you all! Lots of food for thought! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2013 Sharing your life experiences* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted March 21, 2013 Report Share Posted March 21, 2013 Yes ladies -- I love this support -- wish I had it when I was going through various ages and stages of relationship hell :blink: I'm 50 and these forums didn't exist back in the day -- or maybe they did and I just wasn't aware of them! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2013 Ok, well I finally moved on from my ex. We finally quit hooking up 5 months ago or so, and I even started seeing someone else. Nothing serious, but I had gotten to the point of really being over my ex. Then I found out two days ago he's been seeing someone else. I feel like I got punched in the stomach. While I wish I wouldn't have known this, I do, so now I have to deal with it. I feel like a part of seeing your ex move on and hurting is normal, but I don't know why I'm taking it so hard. This is my first true breakup off of adderall , and I really am grateful to experience feelings, even if they suck a lot. I don't know what I'm looking for from you all really, but am I crazy or is this kind of normal? I'm still learning how to do life Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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