Help! Need Advice, prescribed for Depression

[BarbieDahl]

Hi, I'm a newbie here, and I desperately need some good advice. I am so relieved to have found this site because finally someone understands this horrible pit I've fallen into. Thank you for reading this.

So, here's my story... I have always been the happy-go-lucky, social butterfly. A hard working sales rep, but always up for fun, traveling, organizing girl's getaways, etc. Then, after I had my first child, at age 30, I started getting depression. My mom had it REAL bad for many years, so I wasn't that surprised. I started an anti-depressant, went on my way, and did fine for a couple years.

Then, I had my second child, and my depression got worse. The prozac stopped helping. So I started seeing a shrink and trying different meds. The anti-depressants I tried would work for a while, six months, a year, but then they'd stop, and I'd have to try something else. Well, in 2005, it started to really get worse. I started getting really anxious on top of feeling sad. And I didn't feel so comfortable being around people anymore, going on sales calls, making conversations. Even talking with friends felt awkward and nervewracking. I wanted to just hole up in my house. So, I took a leave of absence from work,started weekly therapy, and tried once again to pull myself together. But nothing was working. My Dr. started putting me on "med cocktails," which sometimes would work, but never lasted.

I've seen about 5 different shrinks over the past 12 years, have been psychologically tested, tried ECT (electroshock therapy), and even voluntarily went inpatient for a horrible few days to try to break this cycle. But no luck.

Then, in 2007, my current shrink, this big deal "expert," added Adderall XR to my meds. And it helped! I felt better. I could get out of bed, I wanted to take a shower, regained some interest in life and doing things and seeing friends. I started to feel like the "old" fun me. I was back! Thank God. Finally.

But, you know how this story goes, right? It didn't last. I started noticing that after I took it, I'd almost feel high. But it was sooo much better than feeling hopeless and sad. And after a couple of hours, I'd crash. HARD. Like despair on speed. And that is how I've been feeling practically every day since 2007. I take it, can get up and function a couple of hours, then I start to slide, so I take my second dose, back up again, but by 5:00 PM most days, I'm so sad, and edgey and mad and my despair is magnified.I end up taking ativan to numb it down, and am then exhausted.

I have talked to my shrink about it numerous times, telling him point blank I know I'm addicted, that it gives me daily, extreme mood swings, etc., but he basically says I need it. He's switched me to Vyvanse and Strattera, same effects. I switched Drs again. The new one told me the same. That I probably need it to function. I have weekly therapy and my therapist doesn't even know what to tell me to do.

My husband disagrees. He says I'm not me anymore. That I need to get off it. That I'm either temporarily mildly happy and productive, or extremely sad and anxious. So, I tried quitting on my own. But after two days, I was catatonic and crying in bed at 9 in the morning. My husband took off work to try to help me through it, but we couldn't do it. Even he gave up.

So I'm trapped. I feel like the only way I can function is with it, but with it, I am not really living anymore. I still avoid friends and neighbors, I haven't been able to go back to work, I rarely feel up to doing things I used to enjoy, I NEVER go out at night, and am always trying to pretend I'm OK, and hide my lows and sadness from my kids.

Adderall has literally taken away my life. But I don't know how to quit. I don't know what the alternative is. I sooo envy people I know who have normal lives still.

Thank you so much if you have made it this far and are still reading. I would sooo appreciate any advice you can give me. It has GOT to get better than this.

My meds:

Adderall XR 30 mg twice a day

Lexapro 30 mg

Buspar 30 mg twice a day

propanolol 20 mg twice a day

seroquel 25 mg at bedtime

Vayarin 2 pills a day

vitamins, etc.

ativan as needed (usually 1 mg/day total)

[Cat]

Hi BarbieDahl, I can totally relate to the adderall part of your story. My daily ups and downs were almost identical. Hour or two of feeling good and motivated, then the crash, edginess, anxiety, and needing alcohol to relax followed by a sleeping pill. I know exactly what you mean about feeling trapped. Especially when the negatives start to outnumber the ever-decreasing positives.

It's good you have a supportive husband who believes in the you without adderall. Now YOU have to believe in the you without adderall. Do NOT believe the doctors who say you need it to function. That is a lie. The truth is, you'll feel foggy and hazy and tired for a week or maybe a month after you quit, but you'll regain your energy and motivation and, more importantly, personality and happiness. Every day off adderall you build up a little bit in so many ways: confidence, energy, soul. It's totally possible to come back from the place you're in. Especially if your husband can help out extra with the family duties during that initial quit, and cheer you on to get through it.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Jesus. I'm sorry. You sound like you have been through the worst of the worst of what the medical industry in this country can do to a person. ALL those meds, for depression?! And years of therapy, and no real explanation what all of these drugs will do to you long term? I am so sorry for your story and also, this makes me fucking furious. Doctors and their fucking pills.

While I do believe in antidepressant medication (I am on lexapro, I just recently am tapering wellbutrin after being on it for 8 years), I think prescribing adderall for depression is a cheapskate's answer. Of COURSE you are going to feel better, you are taking amphetamines!

If you can, try to get your hands on a really great book that explains the history of the drug, "on speed" and you can see that versions of adderall have been given for all kinds of "conditions" for many, many years. It's always been a drug looking for a disease and the fact it's been given to you by not one but two docs now is just appalling.

I don't know how these drugs interact with each other so i can't really speculate on what would happen if you stopped one without the other, but I would say you should educate yourself about what you're putting in your body. Your poor brain.... I'm so sorry...

[BeHereNow]

It has GOT to get better than this.

Hey BarbieDahl,

I can't even express how sorry I am to hear you're going through all of that. I cannot even imagine what it's like.

I will offer you this: there's a silver lining in that you've taken the step to come here and post, that you have had those thoughts and taken those steps towards quitting. You said it, there must be a life for you that is better than that.

You won't be in it alone, as long as you keep your support networks strong (your family, friends, and us here.) But it is ultimately up to YOU to begin creating this new, better life.

It sounds to me like these doctors have really done you wrong.

Question: Can you say a little more about your lifestyle? Do you exercise? Spend time outside? What do you eat? How about sleep? (Yeah, the things adderall takes away, but do you balance those things in at all?)

Are the people in your life good to you?

I ask because I think that we can make big differences through lifestyle. Even if you keep up all those prescriptions, and make small, positive life changes, you might start to feel the kind of results the pills are intended to help you with. And that might help create a space where you can start to consider tapering off the meds, if that's the right choice for you.

[LILTEX41]

Hey Barbie,

I think MFA and Occasional gave some great advice here. Honestly, I'm very anti prescription drugs and let me tell you why. This I can only speak of from my own experience and I hope not to offend anyone who needs medication. I think there are definitely people out there who have serious mental disorders and need to be treated accordingly.

From my own experience, the more I research and try to figure out what's wrong with me, the worse I tend to become. For me being diagnosed with any type of "disorder" made me feel depressed. It made me feel trapped and as though I would never be "free" because I was living in this "label" of some ailment. I suffer from "depression", "anxiety", "add", "social anxiety", on and on and on. Last week I watched a great segment by Joel Osteen about removing these labels. It has changed me this week. I really got to thinking about what he said and how these negative tapes were repeating over and over again in my head consistenly. I decided NO MORE. This week has been incredible so far. I have made new labels for myself....like I am awesome. I am STRONG, I am ASSERTIVE, I am CONFIDENT, IAM CAPABLE, I am OUTGOING, and I can do ANYTHING. As soon as I start hearing the old tape playing...I stop it immediately and remind myself of my new labels. It's really working and I feel great! Here's a link to his sermon if you'd like to watch it. http://www.joelostee...eksMessage.aspx

The other thing I wanted to mention...what is really going on with you? Are you happy in your marriage, do you enjoy being a mom, do you feel overwhelmed, are you working now? Do you miss your fun exciting career you used to enjoy? Do you miss being a social butterfly? You mentioned you got depressed after your first child. Is it possible you may've felt a little bit resentful of your additional responsibilities and no longer being able to do all the other things you used to enjoy? I could see how if you did feel that way, you might want to supress those feelings and then turn against yourself berating yourself for having them. Maybe I'm way off, but just a thought. I think you need to get to the root cause of what's going on in your life that is causing you to feel bad and once you can address those things one at a time, you won't need all these drugs.

I am praying for you tonight. I am so sorry to hear you have suffered for so long with all of this, but just know that God has bigger plans for you and he will see you through this if you let him. Godspeed friend! (((Hugs)))

[LILTEX41]

One more thing...you CAN function off adderall!!! IF I can do it, ANYONE can do it!! Just remember, you CAN get your LIFE back! There is HOPE for you. Think of adderall like METH. It is robbing you of all the things you love and lying to you that you need it to function because it wants to keep you sick. It is your enemy!! NOT your friend. It has ripped a giant hole in your soul and no amount of adderall will fix that. Fill that hole with all the things you love instead and you will start feeling at ease and at peace. YOU GOT THIS!!

[FALCON]

#1 BarbieDahlWOW holy cow you are a walking chemical laboratory you will can soon open up your Owen pharmacy with all the medications your on. My pet turtle has more common sense then your shrink all the drugs contradict each other you need to find a new doctor like ASAP to help you get off of most of the stuff your taking it makes me angry that your doctor has you all doppet up please try to get off of some of the medications you will feel better jest from ulaminating some of your medication. FALCON

[BarbieDahl]

Thanks for all of the good ideas, advice and prayers. There's no question that I'm afraid to quit. First, because the sadness will no longer be temporarily masked. I'm afraid of it at it's full fury. And believe me, it's REAL. A hopelessness and despair that I'm afraid will put me back in the mental hospital. But you all say that during withdrawal depression is to be expected, and that it won't last forever, right? (gulp) Does anyone know if there are rehabs that handle Adderall? I fear that to really kick it I may need some real help for a long time. Oh, and one other problem I'll need to figure out. My husband takes Adderall 30mg! For him it works as intended for his ADHD and is not a problem at all. So, I'll just make him keep it at his work.

Just thinking out loud, I guess. Keep the advice coming if you can.

[ashley6]

From what I've learned when I was thinking of going to rehab, adderall addiction is usually dealt with on an outpatient basis at treatment centers. My guess is their reasoning for this is because there aren't physical health risks when quitting, but there is definitely support for you out there. I know how hard this decision is, but my opinion is since you're considering stopping and wanting help, act now while it's present. It's hard, no doubt about it, but it's possible, and it sure is a better life without adderall. Keep us posted.....hugs!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hazleden has a really great outpatient program. I signed up for it but in the end decided to go it alone. But I recommend it, there are lots of high functioning people going through all kinds of rehab.

http://www.hazelden.org

Also LILTEX is an awesome advocate for another program although I'll let her expound on that.