He misses the old me

[Cat]

So my boyfriend, now fiance, of four years didn't know I had a prescription for adderall since before we met. I quit 80 days ago and feel great. Big picture, our relationship is so much better. I am less edgy, we fight less, we get along better, it's all good. Problem is, he doesn't have any idea what has changed or why. For all he knows, a couple months ago I just suddenly decided to stop reading the newspaper that we get delivered that I used to wake up at 6 am to read front to back, start sleeping in, stop caring about cleaning the house (as much), and want to stay in and relax more than going out with friends every night of the week. I wish he could see the positive changes but they are more subtle. So I am stuck.

Will he just adapt to the new me (in many ways, the better me) with time? Or should I put extra effort into maintaining my old type A habits in my new lifestyle until it all just blends together?

I just don't want to tell him because I never plan on taking adderall again and prefer to leave it behind without creating a weird mystery around my identity, so please help me come up with alternate solutions.

[quit-once]

You can't be who you are not. Your post-adderall personality will likely not ever return to your "using" personality. Thank God. Interests and motivators are just different now. If you feel the need for an explanation, I suggest you replace "adderall" with something less sinister - like prozac or a blood pressure pill or something more medical-oriented. Hell, even a vitamin or supplement could cause profound changes in the way one behaves. Then tell him you really noticed the changes after you went off your pill. With time, it will be a non-event and a non issue. I wouldn't recommend trying to act all jacked up and gung ho while you are still struggling for energy and motivation in early recovery. Just my two cents, and I really suck at relationships so it might only be worth a penny today.

[ashley6]

Cat, I'm confused. Your post is entitled "He misses the old me," but it seems like your relationship is better than ever....I mean, you're a real person again Is he quizzing you about the changes in your behavior? Is it a topic that even has to be addressed?

[Cat]

Than you Quit Once. That's actually a good idea to tell a story, just substituting another med that is less sinister (good word). I feel like that might help him make sense and take note of of the positive AND negative changes.

Ashley6... he just occasionally comments. "Why don't you read the paper anymore? That used to be your thing." And he definitely has commented on me needing to get out of the house more. Which I agree with. Right when I quit adderall I got a new job that is full time telecommuting so I work from home, and need to be better about meeting up with friends for lunch and after work. Since i no longer bike commute, I'm still figuring out how to meet my normal exercise quota. Never been much of a gym person.

So partly the big changes can be attributed to new job/lifestyle. Sometimes it's just hard to be quizzed on this stuff and play it off as normal when I want to be like "but I'm doing sooo much better!"

[rick]

hmm.. for FOUR years he didn't know you had a prescription? Since you guys are going to be getting married and all I would have to assume that it would be right to come clean since this is, I'm assuming, a significant event in your life. If he really loves you he can see past this.

Did he say that he misses the old you?

I don't think most guys really care whether or not a girl reads the newspaper or spends a little less time cleaning the house. As long as you don't come off as not caring about anything anymore, i.e. him, then I don't see there being a problem.

He just needs to know what he can expect from you.

You have come this far without telling him about Adderall and so if he tends to react strongly to things then I would say that you shouldn't mention it to him. I know people who just don't understand drug use but are otherwise rational people and if this is the case then I don't see there being a problem with contributing your change in behavior to something else and promising yourself that drugs will have no part in your life.

Personally, I would want to know.

[BeHereNow]

That's a really tough one, Cat!

I'm a huge fan of quit-once's idea.

To the people in my life who don't know about my quitting, I've been saying that it's the year of the snake, time to shed the old skin. I say that I'm done with stressing out and putting myself under so much pressure. That life is too short. I chalk it up to personality & lifestyle changes.

I mean, people change.

And the people who love you get to watch you change and evolve, which is pretty cool!

If you're going to be with him for life, then you are going to watch each other change in all kinds of unexpected ways.

People in my life know me as someone who changes all the time....... they know not to expect me to remain "the old me." And I don't expect that of anyone else, either. Change is a sign of growth and evolution, and you HAVE changed for the better.

Oh, you don't like reading the newspaper at 6 am anymore? Sounds like you're just not that into it anymore. Its too depressing! And sleep is really important, for all kinds of reasons.

My heart goes out to you because I really don't know how you've made it through all this without telling him.

Question: (And you already kind of answered this) ... For these 4 years, why did/do you feel the need to stay in the closet about taking and quitting adderall? I mean it is a drug that cultivates secrecy, but I'm just wondering if there's something about your relationship that's worth addressing.

For me, my partner, who has never taken adderall, has been a huge positive support in my recovery process. I cannot imagine going through what you're going through! To me, for something as major and life changing as quitting, any partner of mine would need to be in the loop about this....because that person is closest to me and I need that person's support. And because, like Rick said, I would want to know. And I would want that person to know.

So, my question is, is there a deeper reason why you're not comfortable telling him? Are there other things you feel the need to keep from him? This question is more about your relationship than it is about adderall, just something to think about if you're going to go through with marrying this person.

I mean I'm not judging you at all, and I'm sure you have all kinds of reasons, but it's just something to think about.

hugs! <3

[Cat]

Rick and Occasional01, thank you. Both your responses got me to think hard about this situation from a different perspective.

Why didn't I tell him... like Occasional said, it's a drug that cultivates secrecy. It's a drug I was ashamed of taking from the beginning and certainly didn't intend to take for four years.

He knows about me taking other drugs like ambien. I have done coke and mushrooms with him (in the sense that he was there, but he didn't take drugs because he doesn't like them) and we both drink moderately. I didn't tell him about adderall because I don't think he, or anyone who knows me, would have believed it was right. Because I am so far from an ADHD personality type, so it's completely incongruant.

At the same time it never felt right to have a daily habit be a secret and if I were ever to be prescribed something else like an antidepressant I will definitely tell him. After all we're going to be married. He knows about my family's history with depression and I think that is where his concern is rooted.

My takeaway is that like Rick said, he probably doesn't really care if I read the paper or clean the house every day. People change, and my changes also coincide with a new job/different hours. Now I start work at 8 instead of 9 so there's less time to read the freaking paper. His real concern is seeing me retract from friends and activities that i love, which is a sign of more serious behavioral changes. So if i need to push myself to do anything, it's not to read the paper at 6 am but to get out and play tennis with my group or socialize with friends, which I know will be beneficial to my own happiness and ours together.

You guys: seriously thank you. It is rad to come here and read thoughtful and supportive responses.

EDIT: Finally being able to embrace my inner laziness is AWESOME. You know?