got careless, was humbled, now back on track

[Doge]

Note: This was posted yesterday in General Discussion, but has been moved here.

 It's been an awful long time since I've had any sort of presence here, and many of the names I see are new, but I'm so glad to see this community is still going strong!

As the post title suggests, I was doing very well for quite a long time (about 6 years) but I fell off the wagon a few months ago unfortunately.  Today I mean to get back on track so I'm going to start off by sharing a bit here.

To summarize my usage history, my addiction began the exact same day my honeymoon period ended, which was the day of my first binge, some time in May of 2013.  For the next five years I would continue using on and off in some capacity.  I didn't have an ADHD diagnosis, but I had a friend who took dexedrine and was prescribed way more than he was taking, so he would often hook me up.  But rest assured however many pills I could get my hands on were gone in 24 hours.

During that five year period I quit many times, but always seemed to go back to it eventually.  The most important lesson I learned during that time is that I could not count on my willpower, no matter how strong or confident I may have felt at any point in time.  I needed to cut off my source.  While I found the necessary steps to be extremely difficult, it was simple.  All I needed to do was admit to my friend who supplied me that I would usually popped 20 (or more) in a single day.  When I did, he was as horrified as I was, gave me a tonne of shit for it, and next time I asked him for more he said no.  And that was all it took to free me from amphetamine prison for 6 years.

So what the hell happened!?

I have long suspected I had ADHD, but was never diagnosed as a child.  And this year I have been struggling both to keep up my performance at work and stay on top of life's demands, and have been dwelling on it lately and obsessing over whether I have it.  My rationalization is that I was seeking to validate the difficulties I'm having, but obviously my addicted self was plotting to get amphetamines as well.  I should probably see about speaking with a counsellor to help me work through some of this.  Anyways, this March I managed to get myself in for an assessment, get a diagnosis for ADHD, and was prescribed Vyvanse.

The rest of the story writes itself.  I managed to take the medication as prescribed for exactly four days, and then on the fifth day I went through the rest of the bottle, and subsequently had to cover for myself by calling in sick at work.  And suddenly I'm right back in prison again, arguing endlessly with myself over whether this was a correctable mistake or a foregone conclusion all along.  When I got my refill in April, the first day I took 6 days' worth, a few days later I took 9, then a few days after that I took the other 15. 

And I was still arguing with myself, insisting I could fix this without quitting.

I was scared by this point, as I didn't know how long it would take to actually take me to do what was necessary.  A heavy cloud of dread was hanging over me.  Was I going to continue this for a month or two first?  Maybe it would be a whole year, which was more than enough time to light match to so many things I've worked so hard for.  I've already seen that for me, the only way to be able to stop is to cut off the source.  But every time that idea popped into my head I would immediately shoot it down and just make excuses and assure myself that next month would be different.  When I chose this path, I let go of the steering wheel, so to speak.  And there are no guarantees of when you're going to get control of it again.

I got May's refill about a week ago and binged immediately, and then again a couple days later.  Last night, as I was losing the battle with myself over whether to just have round three right then and there, I compromised with myself that I could go ahead and do whatever I wanted, as long as I let my doctor know first thing in the morning to inform them of what was going on.  My inner crackhead found this to be acceptable, so we shook hands on it.  So he got to get high one last time, and as usual I cleaned up the aftermath.

Thankfully I followed through the next morning, the wave of relief felt so good afterwards I cried.  I managed to get a bit of sleep, but otherwise this post was the only thing I accomplished today.  I feel like absolute dogshit, but I'm so happy to be free. 

[DrewK15]

My story is quite similar. Used off and on over pretty much the exact same years, only difference is I went after a script earlier for more reliable supply. I quit 5-6-18 (just hit my 6 years a couple weeks ago) and am thankful to still be sober.

i just wanted to stop in to offer some encouragement and say that I remember reading your old posts early in my recovery. You made a difference in my life and have a to offer this community. Well done cutting off supply, and good luck on your journey this time around.

[Doge]

Hell yeah, congrats on 6 years.  I remember your name too.  You're doing awesome!  Thanks so much for the kind words.

[Doge]

I definitely forgot about adderall for the most part, and would often go months and months and months without it ever crossing my mind.  When I did think of it occasionally, usually it'd just be something like "oh man, thank god I'm not living like that anymore".  Good news is I forgot about adderall, bad news is I also forgot what it's like to be a junkie.

It's been so long now that the timeline isn't totally clear, but I think around the 2 year mark is where I REALLY started to feel like "hey, I don't need that shit and I am so much better off without it".  This is around the time I finally started losing all the weight I gained too.  I think if I would have stuck around the forums this relapse wouldn't have happened.

For context, I was never an every day user.  I was always a "take the entire month's worth in a day and a half", spend 3-4 days recovering, then spend the next 3 weeks anxiously waiting to get my hands on more.

Congratulations on 22 months.  You are doing so awesome!!!!

[quit-once]

Welcome back, @Doge!  Glad to hear you are back on track.  Thanks for sharing your cautionary tale that a relapse can happen at any time, no matter how long it has been since you quit.  I read a similar story around the time that I quit - I think that person had quit for eight years before their relapse.  In fact, it helped me to choose my username which reminds me that it could still happen, even 13 years later. 

I was visiting with my best friend the other day.  We have known each other since we were 12 and we both abused Adderall together.  He graduated to meth before quitting.  We were having a smoke, despite the fact we had both quit, and discussing how good it tasted when you smoke just one cig.  We talked about how we could (carefully) go back to almost any drug we have used in the past (alcohol, weed and cigs), and have a brief moment of enjoyment from ONE serving, put it down and not return to the addiction.   But not Adderall or any other stimulant.  I truly believe that a return to this awful addiction is only one pill away.  "one pill is too many and a thousand is not enough". 

Quitting is a painful process, and one that I hope to endure only once.

[LILTEX41]

Doge,

I am so proud of you for getting back on track and coming here to share your story. You reminded me I need to check in on this forum more often and stick with the winners. It helps to help others. This addiction is brutal, and I am so grateful to have found my way out again. I wanted to give an update on my life to anyone who has heard my story so as to provide some hope and inspiration. I have been clean and sober for almost 16 months now. I recently got engaged and am in the process of building a gorgeous new big home for us and my fiancee's children. I'm going to be a stepmom. <3 I've been offered a job at my dad's company, working in the financial industry. I am finally escaping the minimum-wage job I had to take due to hitting rock bottom with my Concerta prescription. All I know is I don't ever want to go through this horror story again. We spent this last weekend running, biking, swimming, and moving almost everything from my condo to a storage unit. I did all this work with no stimulants and once again proved to myself it could be done and that I could achieve so many great things without it on my own accord. I am mentally, physically, and spiritually in a better place today. How I fell back down the rabbit hole blows my mind, but your post made me feel better in the fact that I am not alone. We must stay vigilant of our recovery and never take our foot off the gas. I am just so glad to hear you got right back on track and didn't have to lose another year or two of your life being consumed by the addiction all over again.

Stick with us here, and thank you again for sharing your story! You never know who you just helped by sharing it.   

[Doge]

Thank you @quit-once!  I remember your story also about how you planned your quit so thoroughly and made it successful.  Your dedication to recovery and the success of everyone else is so awesome.  When I fuck up, I often ask myself, "what would quit-once say...", and I have imagined you in the back of my mind telling me when I need to do better.  I'm glad your friend was able to quit as well.  Amphetamines are so vicious.  And you are right -- disaster is avoidable, but it's always freely available.

Thanks for your comment and for checking in @LILTEX41!  Your positivity and support helped me so much during those early years when it seemed impossible to get moving again.

Quote

You never know who you just helped

Funny you should mention that... I was already lurking here in February while waiting for my assessment/pills, probably thanks to the sane side of me knowing I was headed for a train-wreck.  I hadn't taken the plunge yet, but the slip/relapse/whatever had already been set in motion as I had made up my mind to take the drugs again as soon as I got my hands on them.  Anyways the story you shared a few months ago was on my mind the whole time, and was a huge part of the reason I was able to turn things around in time.  So thank you so much for sharing your update when you did -- your timing was impeccable.

 

[quit-once]

3 hours ago, Doge said:

I hadn't taken the plunge yet, but the slip/relapse/whatever had already been set in motion as I had made up my mind to take the drugs again as soon as I got my hands on them. 

This is a great reminder of a solid truth about any addiction recovery:  the relapse always happens in your mind before you ever get your hands on the substance.  Therefore, it should be avoidable until the moment you take the drug again.  But, it doesn't always work that way.  If I ever start to entertain thoughts of using something again, I try really hard to change the channel and not dwell on that fantasy, because it could become a reality.  Practicing thought control.  I credit my many years of yoga practice for helping to channel away the harmful thoughts.  I have also started doing chakra meditation during the last two years, which is great for channeling your thoughts to where they are needed.

I'm glad your relapse was relatively brief and mostly harmless, and that you learned a valuable lesson.  

[LILTEX41]

@DogeAwe, I am so glad my story encouraged you! How are you doing? Still going strong, I hope?

[LILTEX41]

@quit-once I can't believe I never put two and two together regarding your nickname here. I love it so much!!! It's PERFECT!

[Doge]

@LILTEX41 yep all is well with me, thanks for asking!  but im already getting lazy and not checking this site frequently enough! *wags finger at himself*

[rosarita98168]

Is it true if you relapse even once, you're back to square one in recovering from amphetamine damage?

[LILTEX41]

Absolutely not. You have accumulated all those days off the drug rewiring your brain to form a different habit. Please don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re back to square one!! Not true!

[Doge]

Hey @rosarita98168 to be honest sometimes it does feel that way, especially when you're picking yourself up off the ground from the lowest of lows.  But ultimately, no, as long as you catch it fairly quickly, you don't go back to square one -- not even close.  Speaking from experience, it's been 2 and a half months for me now, and aside from one fleeting thought that didn't last more than a minute or so, I haven't had a single craving.  And I've barely thought about it, almost to the point of erasing the whole 3 month 'incident' from my memory.  But to be fair that's not really a good thing.  I should be reflecting on it more.

But anyways the point is, this would have been unheard of for me back years ago when I first quit, where the first couple of months felt like the whole theme of every day was surviving the day without pills.