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Everything posted by Doge

  1. I can't stand the underwoods. They are vipers, even if charming. I think I really like the show because of the addicts in them. Doug, the alcoholic and Peter who is addicted to alcohol and cocaine. Watching their stories unfold is interesting. I really feel intense empathy towards them and their pain. I think it's no stretch to make the connection with my own struggles. It's kind of funny; to be honest I don't think the show is that good, but I keep watching mainly because I really am interested in Doug as a character.
  2. Imagine if Frodo never let go of the ring. (Well I think he tried to keep it but still that's not the point).
  3. One Word Status Update

    -burntout! (smushed em together to make them one word) edit: oh yeah and TGIF!!!!!!!
  4. New Administrators

    Here here!
  5. A very quick relapse. What am I in for?

    Agreed with other people above! Now you have a firm reminder why you quit. Focus on the future, and rest assured things will get better faster than last time, at least for the first couple weeks. You can bounce back from this! The fact that you are already being honest with yourself is a great sign! What's the plan to prevent this from happening again? Do you have any bridges (access to refills down the road) left unburnt? Burn them!
  6. Relapse in sight

    How about just one more day? Can you handle it for one more day? Try to keep yourself thinking in those terms. Because then tomorrow, you can ask yourself the same question. Can you take it for just one more day? Just focus on the next step which is getting through the day. You don't have to deal with the whole upcoming year right now. Just today. It sounds cheesy but I promise it helps! A few of those days go by and then you probably had at least one that was a sliver better than days past, and it will gradually get easier with time. This too shall pass. PS - I really miss the tickers in our signatures. It used to be so encouraging to watch it go up each day. :'(
  7. It's amazing what we let ourselves get away with and convince ourself is normal. I used to be like this too, then next time I took adderall I'd look back and rationalize it as "i was just tired, silly me for being so dramatic", only to find myself in that sad place again within 48 hours.
  8. Just exhausted.

    Also, if you eat more calories, you have more energy to move around more and burn some of those calories off. This leads to better health anyway.
  9. Just exhausted.

    I agree with sleepy, this seems like a bit much.... Don't get me wrong, if you can pull it off power to you! But if you ever get to the point where you feel that like something has to give, I'd first look at your caloric intake. Once you get clean from longer you can shit your focus to your weight. And this doesn't mean you can't eat healthy, but caloric deficit on top of recovery sounds (to me) like too much at once. Remember you aren't a superhero, and that's OK!
  10. My New Puppy

    beautiful! give her a belly rub for me!
  11. Dexedrine - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

    agreed. I notice you conclude with the decision that a long break is needed. I promise you I've tried that. I took almost a year off (intending to quit), but in a day of weakness I decided that should be enough to reset myself, and go back to using responsibly like in the honeymoon phase. it won't happen. you'll go RIGHT back to your maximum level of abuse and probably start incrementally making it worse and worse as time goes on (which is precisely what I did). you are so young, it's such a good time to quit. (not take a break!) enjoy the positivity that comes from that! I recommend you take immediate steps to get your prescription cut off, while you're seeing things clearly. your doctor won't judge you. in fact from the stories I hear the problem is often the opposite. the doctors often tend to think addicts are just overreacting or dramatizing the problem.
  12. Adderrall "HIGH" after quitting

    runner's high definitely is just as good as adderall high, it doesn't last too long, and you definitely have to earn it though but no crash afterwards, it feels great even as its wearing off
  13. Day 4

    There will inevitably be moments where our resolve disappears, we change our mind (temporarily), and go looking for pills. It's important to burn bridges in advance and take away your access so that you're able to ride out those storms. Best wishes!
  14. A comedian named Theo Von, someone whose podcasts I've been listening to lately (he's got some amazing guests) shares a powerful story about his road which led to his sobriety. The unbelievable honesty he displays is so humbling to me.
  15. AMAZING JOB!! 3 miles is not exactly a short run. Congrats. You must have felt so awesome after.
  16. Personally I always obtained my supply illegally so I've never spoken with a doctor about it, but from the sounds of it that is unfortunately all too common of a story.
  17. Modafinil / provigil

    Please share it cautiously, and remember that a suggestion like the one you are implicitly making could be disastrous for many on this forum and wreak havoc on the recovery that they have worked so hard to preserve.

    congratulations on 4 months! That is a huge milestone. there are definitely hard times ahead still but you are getting stronger by the day! say focused, and remember to keep celebrating the small victories, soon you'll be celebrating half a year!
  19. I can't believe it's me...

    Don't beat yourself up! It's not ridiculous that you caved. If you think about what adderall does to your brain, it's a miracle that anyone ever quits (I mean that to say that recovery is precious, not that anyone should feel that quitting is too hard)! I definitely relapsed many times myself. Forgive yourself, look after yourself, but take action immediately! Cut off your future self and burn any bridges that may catch you later. Get that script shut down and tell your doctor everything! I applaud you for seeking help from counsellors. Great plan! stay strong
  20. Story of hope!

    keep it up dolssa, we're all rooting for you! look after yourself by removing any "backdoor options" your inner addict can use against you when you're feeling weak. if you have any bridges at all, burn them while you're feeling strong!
  21. I can't believe it's me...

    good plan!!!
  22. 72 days clean

    I absolutely love your posts! I always have thought the hardest part is forgiving yourself and you've eloquently unpacked that into many really great ideas I've never thought of. I remember finding healing from music also, especially during the first two months. There's so much stuff that's way better when you aren't on adderall.
  23. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy thanks very much, it’s been a wild ride and life definitely got hard during this time (for other reasons) but it’s really nice to be able to own the accomplishment of overcoming those barriers without the help of a demon whispering in your ear. even as recently as a couple months ago I was having a rough day and my subconscious brain started to come up with a plot to maybe convince a doctor to give me a prescription but fortunately those thoughts are few and far between now. I still frequently have nightmares about relapsing, a couple where i broke into my friends house (who lives in another city) when he wasn’t home and raided his stash, because I know he hoards extras. But when I woke up, I pretty much shrugged it off and didn’t think about it for the rest of the day (except to think about how grateful I Was that it was just a dream). my cravings are mostly subconscious now, I PROMISE YOU the cravings do calm down and I DO have faith that they will eventually go away entirely. The hardest part is forgiving yourself honestly. But you are correct that once and addict, always an addict. You will never be able to use the drug again without immediately crashing headfirst right back down to the depths of the pits you are currently working so hard to dig yourself out of. i think the fact that you don’t hear from many users that have been clean past a few years is a testament to the fact that life really does go on after adderall. After a while they just stop thinking about it and close that chapter of their life.
  24. I can't believe it's me...

    Nailed it. This is me to a T. I'm a little late to respond to this but here's what I suggest. Best thing you can do is just tell your doctor you're killing yourself by binging and that you need the prescription taken away. Tell your doctor EVERYTHING. And when you're lying around during the crash feeling horrible hating yourself, do it THEN. Pick up the phone and tell your doctor. It's a terrifying thing to do because you can't go back. But that's the whole point. When you're 3 years clean, you will probably be able to say no. When you're 3 months clean.... probably not. The addict inside your head will be all like, "just wait until you feel better". But by then it'll be too late and you'll already be looking forward to your next fix instead of wanting to quit. I'm about a year and a half clean, and if some stranger on the street offered me adderall tomorrow, I hope i'd say no. But honestly I really don't know I might take it. The fact that I don't have any access is my biggest ally. It's the only reason I'm free from that shit. Tell your doctor to cancel the prescription! Sorry this is a disorganized mess of thoughts, but I'm rooting for you!