Doge

Same here!! I remember trying to act cynical and skeptical like i didnt really want to try. Meanwhile my inner addict was screaming with excitement and could be barely be contained. Chilling....

until or since what?

OMG YES

I'm so sorry for your experience. This sounds so abusive to go through. I wish you both the best. Honestly, it's better for you to get out of this situation ASAP. Either she actually stops taking these scripts when you leave, in which case she's going to have a agonizing reality check when she realizes how painful adderall and tramadol withdrawals are (and that you were the only support she had). I've experienced both and tramadol is MUCH MUCH worse. Or she will just continue to self destruct and that's not a situation you want to be in no matter how much you love her. Being an addict is no walk in the park, but as many thoughtful posters on here have shown me, neither is loving an addict.

" if something bad happens it fucking happens 100 years after I'm gone does that shit matter?" this is gonna get added to my favorite quote list! haha you rule Frank so happy you are having some good days. you deserve them

kind of on topic this song makes me cry

absolutely. I think the addictive properties of most ADD drugs are the same, even if they aren't the exact same substances. congrats on day 14! that is a huge chunk of time to conquer, and is some of the darkest time to go through! if you only abused for a short time, that means you will very quickly get to the point where you've been clean longer than the time period that you actually used, which is a huge triumph in the process of recovery.

Just remember that things will keep getting better. My advice is to not over-push yourself to be social when you don't feel like it. Introverts need time alone to recharge. That being said, try to maintain the status quo so things get easier. Like, if you are socializing with friends, say, twice or maybe only once a week, try to maintain that but don't over push yourself. It helps if your friends understand what you're going through too. Pretend socializing is like cardio or lifting weights. Stay on the fringe of your comfort zone until it becomes well within your comfort zone. You should be proud! From what I understand you truly have gotten through the worst of it! Now take this with a grain of salt because I can only really guess at what your situation is like. But I think you should just keep doing what you're doing. Don't be afraid to allow yourself a vacation wherever possible. Like maybe bingewatch a couple new shows and eat some guilty snacks. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now and keep stacking those days. You are doing phenomenal!!!

This is like looking into a mirror. Very well written. Who would ever choose this if it weren't for the demon in our heads. This all too perfectly sums up what it would be like to have JUST one more pill, bringing back ALL the brutal cravings but then not being able to do anything about it.

go get her

I had this feeling once so I know it's possible. It was about a month after I relapsed last year. When we were together, adderall didn't exist to me. I was pretty down in the dumps and it lifted me to the clouds like I didn't even think possible. It was short lived but my heart still smiles whenever I hear from her. As far as the ability to be sexually intimate with someone, i worry about this all the time, but still don't know. I suspect the drug to be damaging in that regard, to males anyway. I have faith that time will heal however. On a side note, you are still a hero to me Frank your child is lucky to have you man. Your story is inspiring. I disappeared from this site for a while and when I come back and am glad to see you're still pressing forward racking up days. Keep up the awesome work.

I really hope you feel better soon. It feels like forever ago since I was last clean for 6 months but somewhere around 7 months last year I started to feel like a new person. Not just saying that to dangle a carrot in front of you either it was really notable when I realized it. I don't remember exactly when it dawned on me that I had changed so much for the better but it was just a feeling like shackles having been unlocked for a while and finally starting to crumble away.

A big part of the crash is that you are often running your body with no fuel (calories). When the comedown hits you finally experience the reality of the empty tank which makes you feel like you are about to pass out, dizzy, nausea, headache, everything. Hopefully your last comedown is behind you (and mine behind me too) but the best thing to provide relief for this is sugary beverage like juice/gatorade/smoothie (to rehydrate), some food (so your body can repair the damage done), and to get your ass to sleep as soon as possible. I'm not sure where you're at right now since you've talked about relapsing fairly recently but please take care of yourself!!

Best to flush it all and get it out of your life again!

This is something I often think about. Many of our surroundings during adderall life can be triggering. And by default that includes the surroundings that were "grandfathered" in from our pre-adderall life. I long for that life sometimes, as I'm sure we all do, to the point of painful sadness. But it's good to remember that the pre-adderall life was a life that was on the road to addiction, and it's best to be on the other side of that, even with the wounds and scars we carry. Anyways I'm babbling. That's awesome you've got a bike! I'm riding lots lately myself. Sounds silly but it takes me back to the days of being 10 years old. Great feeling! I hope it does the same for you.

I have relapsed more times than I can count. And the reason each attempt failed is this: I didn't cut off my supply. When I decided to quit, I didn't take action to tell my supplier what was really going on. I did the same thing as you, pretended everything was fine and that I didn't really need anymore but "hey, might as well have em just in case right doc? yeah everything is else is fine too doc, how is the family doing? same old same old eh? yeah, well... hey thanks for the refill, if you really think I should keep taking it I guess I will.... I probably wont even take any though because I really don't care about them, see you next month, maybe...." Did I tell him that I was sitting at my desk with my head in my hands bawling my eyes out after binging on a months worth of prescription in two days? We addicts are the best liars. Most important piece of advice is, CUT OFF ACCESS. Or you will become like me. There is nothing to feel like a loser about. It's a viciously addicted chemical that is irresponsibly prescribed by those who should (and are paid a FORTUNE in salary) to know better. Avoiding the shame of admitting your problem is not worth continuing the cycle of self-abuse that a life on adderall (or dexederine, or vyvanse, or zenzedi, it's all the same shit under different names) amounts to. Necessary Disclosure: Easy for me to say, I haven't had the boldness to take my own advice. I've decided time and time again to quit, and right now it's been about 5 weeks since my last pill and I don't feel any desire to go back to it. But really why haven't I totally cut myself off? Is it because I'm ashamed to admit it and am clinging to a hope that I can successfully quit without doing it? or is it because deep down on some subconscious level I'm saying "maybe" when I really should be saying "FUCK NO"? I don't know but based on my history I'm taking a big risk for the sake of pride that has not turned out well for me in the past. So that's my advice with a bit of background of where it's coming from.

Of your whole post, this is the part that echoes in my skull. I think this feeling is very common. It's ironic how excited I got when I first got my hands on a fistful of pills, and how great I though I was going to become from them. The drug ground me into dust, chewed me up and spit me out. And post as much as you need to! We're all here for the same reason.

This is chillingly accurate. Thanks for sharing!

Hey TDT!! I'm a bit late here, but I'm really glad you flushed those fuckers. I understand all too well that feeling, after being clean for so long, slipping and watching your inner addict come back to life and start to tighten its grip again. Flushing those pills is huge, even if its not the first time. It's an exercise in free well, and a display of the power to use it, during your weakest moment of despair. It is an agonizing choice to make and you did it. That progress you gained in that 8 months clean is not all gone just because of a few slips. You taught yourself how to live again and those lessons will be valuable in the coming months. Remember that fighting with adderall is not a single battle but a long sequence of many battles. We should always be preparing for our next one. Thinking of you and wishing you the best!

Remember when people say it lasts two years. They don't mean it's horrible for 2 years straight before you see any improvement. I think they mean that they still felt symptoms of it for up to two years, but imagine how much better the second year is than the first. Remember to take it one day at a time, and have faith that things will get better (not totally better, but better) soon. Tomorrow is always a new day and it might be just fucking fantastic for all you know.

asparagus is suppsoed to be the number one most healthy thing you can eat

its up to you, but I think during recovery, gentle exercise is best (yoga, core strengthening, meditation, wall pushups, walking etc.) boot camp sounds pretty extreme

You can play around with it and edit it to get rid of the url I bet. But the 5 months free looks pretty awesome whether its a boot or a palm tree...

at 1 week, just take it one day at a time and celebrate small victories. rest and recover as much as possible