Doge

I'm sorry for the disagreement in this thread and I hope we can all get passed it. Nobody here has anything but love for each other, even though our feelings may get hurt I severely doubt that was ever anyone's intention. If I may chime in though with something I think is important here..... When I first became aware that I was undisputedly addicted to adderall one of the biggest shocks to me was to admit to myself that the detox period (starts when you are strung out, probably been up for days, just took your last pill and know you won't have any more for several weeks or a month) was part of the ritual I was addicted to. Sure I was addicted to the pills and hated running out, but the period where you just lie around in bed for 2 days, eating garbage junk food, watching netflix, and just recovering..... I was as addicted to that. I started to realize this when many of my cravings began with a memory of me stumbling through the kitchen in the dark grabbing food from the cupboard, only to stagger back to hibernate in my bed with my laptop. That wasn't so bad now, was it....? My point is that the feeling of sitting at your computer, typing out your story after a binge. Sitting there with tears in your eyes pouring your heart out, as painful as it is, can become just another step in the ritual if you let it. At that point it won't be helpful at all, but rather just another thing you robotically do as if under the spell of another each time you run out of pills (or flush them). Hell, I could imagine being addicted to flushing pills, believe it or not!! I could imagine myself portioning 200mg, planning out how I was going to pace them over the next 36 hours, and then setting a few pills aside so that I could flush them right before the crash. This never happened to me because for the most part they were much too precious to me and I didn't want to waste a single one. But everyone is different and creates their own ritual. As monumental as that moment was for you when you gathered the courage and strength to do it, and as much of a victory as it was in that instant, adderall can steal even that from you. The solution is to plan ahead and leave no possibility of relapse. Phone the doctor and tell them whats up!

mmm.. IKEA love it there. the food there is so cheap and good too. 1.99 breakfast! I've thought lots about the triggering situations, or steps of the rituals that I created for myself. And I've often wondered if you can ever "reclaim" these experiences so they won't be triggering anymore, but you can just freely enjoy them without thinking about drugs? One time my dealer picked me up and I got him to drop me off afterwards at Wendy's and I remember exactly what I ordered. After that, quite a few binges began with exactly that same meal, whether I was hungry or not. Once you learn how dopamine works, it all makes sense. I still can't go into Wendy's without getting at least somewhat of a craving. Other things are worse, like walking through the neighborhood he lives in. I know it's been almost 6 years for you, but did you experience any sort of craving? or was it all positive and you've been clean for so long that your brain just knows how to shut those thoughts down now before they fester?

TODO list -woofin -do the walkie -sniff other doggos butt -bork -make tail very wagging -take a sleep -find pupper bork more

got time for an afternoon nap? it sucks not being 20 anymore but a 10-15 minute nap is amazing and goes a long way when you didnt get enough sleep the night before

5 htp helps SO MUCH in feeling more positive. eating comfort food is so helpful getting through the "dark" days. hopefully things brighten up a bit for you in the next couple of days. once you feel up to it (as soon as possible, I'd say these are totally safe to do on day 1 even) try these wall pushups shoot for doing a few of them really slow every time you get up to go to the bathroom. but focus on perfect shoulder and back posture instead of how many you do them. do them really slow too. they just get your heart rate going a bit and give you a bit of a head rush (careful don't overdo it if you're still dizzy from withdrawls)

thank you for your advice. i need as much as i can get

yeah without cutting off my supply it was back to the same routine. binge for 2 days, crash for 3, then start early recovery. eat healthy, get back into life again, start being productive again after about 3 weeks, that would last maybe another month. then suddenly a switch would go off in my mind and i would tell myself its no problem to get some more pills I'm clearly not addicted anymore I've gone 6 weeks without any. a quiet voice in my head would tell me that I know that's bullsht but at that point I just wouldn't care enough and was prepared to accept the consequences. I've been repeating this since last november. sometimes I'd make it a month, sometimes two months, i made it almost 3 months in this spring but just fell on my face randomly because of one weak day. I just can't do it if I have access. I'm glad I don't now. I can't wait to hit that 4 month range. my body is much more healthy this time than it was when i quit the first time. so I am hopeful I will enjoy those recovery milestones maybe slightly sooner than my last timeline allowed. I was doing so great last year but threw it all away because of arrogance. I like to romanticize about the idea that people will learn from my mistakes but I know deep down that I refused to listen to anyone elses mistakes. I always knew on some level that I was making the wrong choice but didn't care. I don't know how to explain it but i think everyone on here knows exactly what i mean. it's the addiction aspect that non-users will never understand but we do all too well. again im going in circles but it's precisely the reason that not cutting off access permanently is a recipe for disaster. although I feel like I remember at least one member on this site was able to do it. I still cannot fathom it. it's the dark passenger that Dexter talks about (fictional TV show if anyone's not heard of it) when he goes to NA meetings (but is secretly talking about his need to kill people). you know he's going to wreak havoc on your life but you want him to on some level because you're already in self-destruct mode

I think this is key right here. Especially if you really got out of control. Most people just completely don't understand how that could ever happen (just like most of us didn't before it happened to us).

I would like to start off by congratulating all of you who are still trudging forth through the trenches every day, adding the days behind you one by one. People I remember as just starting out going through early recover are now almost a year clean. I can't express how happy I am for you guys. I saw many newbies start up at the site and then disappear after a few days, and I would worry for what had happened. Every time I see a success story it ignites a spark of faith in me that maybe the devil isn't so strong after all. Some of you have possibly quit through sheer willpower alone, which to me exhibits something simply unfathomable. I don't have it. To me, it's either cut off my source (which is the scariest thing in the world to an addict) or watch myself inevitably continue the cycle of self-destruction. I had told many people who come to this site that they need do exactly this (cut off their supply) to avoid setting themselves up for relapse. I have done this in a way that could be described as persistent badgering, perhaps even crossing the lines of what is appropriate or helpful. All the while, of course, I was being a hypocrit. I hadn't done this myself (as I did with my original quit which was a very successful 10 months in comparison). For those of you who know me here you may have guessed that my disappearance corresponded to slipping again, which I have done so many times now that I didn't even bother making a ticker anymore because I knew that I hadn't cut myself off, and just couldn't bring myself to do it. Despite my failures, I have been blessed with gifts in life I don't deserve. I am making progress in school and looking like I might actually successfully finish within the next year (certainly not with flying colours or anything, but I'll get to walk across the stage at least). This is something that adderall has not helped me with whatsoever (except for during the honeymoon stage which we all know about), but instead hindered me in every way. Most importantly, I am happy to share with you that I have finally started a real relationship with someone who means the world to me. When I am with her I feel free. Adderall doesn't exist in my mind. I know the driving force for my addiction was loneliness and it helps so much to plug that hole in my heart. Even hearing myself say these things in my heart I am putting too much pressure on it already. There will be a time, probably very soon within the next month if history has taught me anything, where I get another unstoppable irrational craving for a 48 hour pill-induced dopamine binge. I fear the kind of person I will become during this time, and if I will be capable of loving someone the way they deserve to be loved. I should warn her, but I'm too scared to for obvious reasons. Maybe it's me being selfish or just plain weak, but I'm promising myself and all of you that I will be strong enough not to let my addict take control again. It would be foolish to simply cling to this new love as some sort of lifeboat that is going to save me. And worst case scenario, what happens if it suddenly and harshly fails for whatever reason as so many romances do? I'm no stranger to heartbreak. Things don't always turn out well; and what sort of power will my inner addict suddenly wield if I should fall on my face and be alone again? This sort of threat leaves no room for access to pills. These are my thoughts and concerns running through my head this past week. It's funny how quickly I picked up the phone and cut off my access for good. I swear to you all that I would not bother making this post if I didn't do exactly that. There wasn't even a second of hesitation in my mind when I thought of it. Sorry for the long winded book folks, but you are my therapists and I can't tell anyone else this and needed to share. I'm happy to announce my faith in the future once more. I can enjoy watching my turtle ticker walk across the screen without the impending feeling of doom, thinking it's all just going to come burning crashing end soon. Thanks to everyone for being here and accepting me back. I love you all and haven't stopped thinking about you.

I told my best friend (or so i thought at the time) about my problem and he seemd to be very understanding and supporting. Then he faded away over the course of a couple months and then stopped talking to me completely. I now consider him a fake friend and tell myself its no loss but it still hurts. I don't know the answer. I'm careful who I tell but it is somewhat of a relief to tell someone in real life if possible to have some support.

Same here!! I remember trying to act cynical and skeptical like i didnt really want to try. Meanwhile my inner addict was screaming with excitement and could be barely be contained. Chilling....

until or since what?

OMG YES

I'm so sorry for your experience. This sounds so abusive to go through. I wish you both the best. Honestly, it's better for you to get out of this situation ASAP. Either she actually stops taking these scripts when you leave, in which case she's going to have a agonizing reality check when she realizes how painful adderall and tramadol withdrawals are (and that you were the only support she had). I've experienced both and tramadol is MUCH MUCH worse. Or she will just continue to self destruct and that's not a situation you want to be in no matter how much you love her. Being an addict is no walk in the park, but as many thoughtful posters on here have shown me, neither is loving an addict.

" if something bad happens it fucking happens 100 years after I'm gone does that shit matter?" this is gonna get added to my favorite quote list! haha you rule Frank so happy you are having some good days. you deserve them

kind of on topic this song makes me cry

absolutely. I think the addictive properties of most ADD drugs are the same, even if they aren't the exact same substances. congrats on day 14! that is a huge chunk of time to conquer, and is some of the darkest time to go through! if you only abused for a short time, that means you will very quickly get to the point where you've been clean longer than the time period that you actually used, which is a huge triumph in the process of recovery.

Just remember that things will keep getting better. My advice is to not over-push yourself to be social when you don't feel like it. Introverts need time alone to recharge. That being said, try to maintain the status quo so things get easier. Like, if you are socializing with friends, say, twice or maybe only once a week, try to maintain that but don't over push yourself. It helps if your friends understand what you're going through too. Pretend socializing is like cardio or lifting weights. Stay on the fringe of your comfort zone until it becomes well within your comfort zone. You should be proud! From what I understand you truly have gotten through the worst of it! Now take this with a grain of salt because I can only really guess at what your situation is like. But I think you should just keep doing what you're doing. Don't be afraid to allow yourself a vacation wherever possible. Like maybe bingewatch a couple new shows and eat some guilty snacks. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now and keep stacking those days. You are doing phenomenal!!!

This is like looking into a mirror. Very well written. Who would ever choose this if it weren't for the demon in our heads. This all too perfectly sums up what it would be like to have JUST one more pill, bringing back ALL the brutal cravings but then not being able to do anything about it.

go get her

I had this feeling once so I know it's possible. It was about a month after I relapsed last year. When we were together, adderall didn't exist to me. I was pretty down in the dumps and it lifted me to the clouds like I didn't even think possible. It was short lived but my heart still smiles whenever I hear from her. As far as the ability to be sexually intimate with someone, i worry about this all the time, but still don't know. I suspect the drug to be damaging in that regard, to males anyway. I have faith that time will heal however. On a side note, you are still a hero to me Frank your child is lucky to have you man. Your story is inspiring. I disappeared from this site for a while and when I come back and am glad to see you're still pressing forward racking up days. Keep up the awesome work.

I really hope you feel better soon. It feels like forever ago since I was last clean for 6 months but somewhere around 7 months last year I started to feel like a new person. Not just saying that to dangle a carrot in front of you either it was really notable when I realized it. I don't remember exactly when it dawned on me that I had changed so much for the better but it was just a feeling like shackles having been unlocked for a while and finally starting to crumble away.

A big part of the crash is that you are often running your body with no fuel (calories). When the comedown hits you finally experience the reality of the empty tank which makes you feel like you are about to pass out, dizzy, nausea, headache, everything. Hopefully your last comedown is behind you (and mine behind me too) but the best thing to provide relief for this is sugary beverage like juice/gatorade/smoothie (to rehydrate), some food (so your body can repair the damage done), and to get your ass to sleep as soon as possible. I'm not sure where you're at right now since you've talked about relapsing fairly recently but please take care of yourself!!

Best to flush it all and get it out of your life again!