Doge

Hell yeah, congrats on 6 years. I remember your name too. You're doing awesome! Thanks so much for the kind words.

Note: This was posted yesterday in General Discussion, but has been moved here. It's been an awful long time since I've had any sort of presence here, and many of the names I see are new, but I'm so glad to see this community is still going strong! As the post title suggests, I was doing very well for quite a long time (about 6 years) but I fell off the wagon a few months ago unfortunately. Today I mean to get back on track so I'm going to start off by sharing a bit here. To summarize my usage history, my addiction began the exact same day my honeymoon period ended, which was the day of my first binge, some time in May of 2013. For the next five years I would continue using on and off in some capacity. I didn't have an ADHD diagnosis, but I had a friend who took dexedrine and was prescribed way more than he was taking, so he would often hook me up. But rest assured however many pills I could get my hands on were gone in 24 hours. During that five year period I quit many times, but always seemed to go back to it eventually. The most important lesson I learned during that time is that I could not count on my willpower, no matter how strong or confident I may have felt at any point in time. I needed to cut off my source. While I found the necessary steps to be extremely difficult, it was simple. All I needed to do was admit to my friend who supplied me that I would usually popped 20 (or more) in a single day. When I did, he was as horrified as I was, gave me a tonne of shit for it, and next time I asked him for more he said no. And that was all it took to free me from amphetamine prison for 6 years. So what the hell happened!? I have long suspected I had ADHD, but was never diagnosed as a child. And this year I have been struggling both to keep up my performance at work and stay on top of life's demands, and have been dwelling on it lately and obsessing over whether I have it. My rationalization is that I was seeking to validate the difficulties I'm having, but obviously my addicted self was plotting to get amphetamines as well. I should probably see about speaking with a counsellor to help me work through some of this. Anyways, this March I managed to get myself in for an assessment, get a diagnosis for ADHD, and was prescribed Vyvanse. The rest of the story writes itself. I managed to take the medication as prescribed for exactly four days, and then on the fifth day I went through the rest of the bottle, and subsequently had to cover for myself by calling in sick at work. And suddenly I'm right back in prison again, arguing endlessly with myself over whether this was a correctable mistake or a foregone conclusion all along. When I got my refill in April, the first day I took 6 days' worth, a few days later I took 9, then a few days after that I took the other 15. And I was still arguing with myself, insisting I could fix this without quitting. I was scared by this point, as I didn't know how long it would take to actually take me to do what was necessary. A heavy cloud of dread was hanging over me. Was I going to continue this for a month or two first? Maybe it would be a whole year, which was more than enough time to light match to so many things I've worked so hard for. I've already seen that for me, the only way to be able to stop is to cut off the source. But every time that idea popped into my head I would immediately shoot it down and just make excuses and assure myself that next month would be different. When I chose this path, I let go of the steering wheel, so to speak. And there are no guarantees of when you're going to get control of it again. I got May's refill about a week ago and binged immediately, and then again a couple days later. Last night, as I was losing the battle with myself over whether to just have round three right then and there, I compromised with myself that I could go ahead and do whatever I wanted, as long as I let my doctor know first thing in the morning to inform them of what was going on. My inner crackhead found this to be acceptable, so we shook hands on it. So he got to get high one last time, and as usual I cleaned up the aftermath. Thankfully I followed through the next morning, the wave of relief felt so good afterwards I cried. I managed to get a bit of sleep, but otherwise this post was the only thing I accomplished today. I feel like absolute dogshit, but I'm so happy to be free.

Imagine if Frodo never let go of the ring. (Well I think he tried to keep it but still that's not the point).

-burntout! (smushed em together to make them one word) edit: oh yeah and TGIF!!!!!!!

amen

Here here!

Agreed with other people above! Now you have a firm reminder why you quit. Focus on the future, and rest assured things will get better faster than last time, at least for the first couple weeks. You can bounce back from this! The fact that you are already being honest with yourself is a great sign! What's the plan to prevent this from happening again? Do you have any bridges (access to refills down the road) left unburnt? Burn them!

How about just one more day? Can you handle it for one more day? Try to keep yourself thinking in those terms. Because then tomorrow, you can ask yourself the same question. Can you take it for just one more day? Just focus on the next step which is getting through the day. You don't have to deal with the whole upcoming year right now. Just today. It sounds cheesy but I promise it helps! A few of those days go by and then you probably had at least one that was a sliver better than days past, and it will gradually get easier with time. This too shall pass. PS - I really miss the tickers in our signatures. It used to be so encouraging to watch it go up each day. :'(

It's amazing what we let ourselves get away with and convince ourself is normal. I used to be like this too, then next time I took adderall I'd look back and rationalize it as "i was just tired, silly me for being so dramatic", only to find myself in that sad place again within 48 hours.

Also, if you eat more calories, you have more energy to move around more and burn some of those calories off. This leads to better health anyway.

I agree with sleepy, this seems like a bit much.... Don't get me wrong, if you can pull it off power to you! But if you ever get to the point where you feel that like something has to give, I'd first look at your caloric intake. Once you get clean from longer you can shit your focus to your weight. And this doesn't mean you can't eat healthy, but caloric deficit on top of recovery sounds (to me) like too much at once. Remember you aren't a superhero, and that's OK!

beautiful! give her a belly rub for me!

agreed. I notice you conclude with the decision that a long break is needed. I promise you I've tried that. I took almost a year off (intending to quit), but in a day of weakness I decided that should be enough to reset myself, and go back to using responsibly like in the honeymoon phase. it won't happen. you'll go RIGHT back to your maximum level of abuse and probably start incrementally making it worse and worse as time goes on (which is precisely what I did). you are so young, it's such a good time to quit. (not take a break!) enjoy the positivity that comes from that! I recommend you take immediate steps to get your prescription cut off, while you're seeing things clearly. your doctor won't judge you. in fact from the stories I hear the problem is often the opposite. the doctors often tend to think addicts are just overreacting or dramatizing the problem.

runner's high definitely is just as good as adderall high, it doesn't last too long, and you definitely have to earn it though but no crash afterwards, it feels great even as its wearing off

There will inevitably be moments where our resolve disappears, we change our mind (temporarily), and go looking for pills. It's important to burn bridges in advance and take away your access so that you're able to ride out those storms. Best wishes!

AMAZING JOB!! 3 miles is not exactly a short run. Congrats. You must have felt so awesome after.

Personally I always obtained my supply illegally so I've never spoken with a doctor about it, but from the sounds of it that is unfortunately all too common of a story.

A comedian named Theo Von, someone whose podcasts I've been listening to lately (he's got some amazing guests) shares a powerful story about his road which led to his sobriety. The unbelievable honesty he displays is so humbling to me.

Please share it cautiously, and remember that a suggestion like the one you are implicitly making could be disastrous for many on this forum and wreak havoc on the recovery that they have worked so hard to preserve.

congratulations on 4 months! That is a huge milestone. there are definitely hard times ahead still but you are getting stronger by the day! say focused, and remember to keep celebrating the small victories, soon you'll be celebrating half a year!

Don't beat yourself up! It's not ridiculous that you caved. If you think about what adderall does to your brain, it's a miracle that anyone ever quits (I mean that to say that recovery is precious, not that anyone should feel that quitting is too hard)! I definitely relapsed many times myself. Forgive yourself, look after yourself, but take action immediately! Cut off your future self and burn any bridges that may catch you later. Get that script shut down and tell your doctor everything! I applaud you for seeking help from counsellors. Great plan! stay strong

keep it up dolssa, we're all rooting for you! look after yourself by removing any "backdoor options" your inner addict can use against you when you're feeling weak. if you have any bridges at all, burn them while you're feeling strong!

good plan!!!

I absolutely love your posts! I always have thought the hardest part is forgiving yourself and you've eloquently unpacked that into many really great ideas I've never thought of. I remember finding healing from music also, especially during the first two months. There's so much stuff that's way better when you aren't on adderall.

@NurseAddy thanks very much, it’s been a wild ride and life definitely got hard during this time (for other reasons) but it’s really nice to be able to own the accomplishment of overcoming those barriers without the help of a demon whispering in your ear. even as recently as a couple months ago I was having a rough day and my subconscious brain started to come up with a plot to maybe convince a doctor to give me a prescription but fortunately those thoughts are few and far between now. I still frequently have nightmares about relapsing, a couple where i broke into my friends house (who lives in another city) when he wasn’t home and raided his stash, because I know he hoards extras. But when I woke up, I pretty much shrugged it off and didn’t think about it for the rest of the day (except to think about how grateful I Was that it was just a dream). my cravings are mostly subconscious now, I PROMISE YOU the cravings do calm down and I DO have faith that they will eventually go away entirely. The hardest part is forgiving yourself honestly. But you are correct that once and addict, always an addict. You will never be able to use the drug again without immediately crashing headfirst right back down to the depths of the pits you are currently working so hard to dig yourself out of. i think the fact that you don’t hear from many users that have been clean past a few years is a testament to the fact that life really does go on after adderall. After a while they just stop thinking about it and close that chapter of their life.