Doge

This is true on so many levels. I'd be lying if I said I had the answer. I'm super glad you posted (I just logged in out of the blue after a long hiatus from the forums and your post is the first one I saw). 3 months is AWESOME by the way! I found the 60 day point was when I found myself in a relapse cycle, so punching through that barrier was a huge thing for me. The recovery depression is definitely real for me too. Once you get cleaned and start seeing the bigger picture that is your life, it's easy to beat yourself up for the past. Something that I heard recently is a quote: "Guilt is lazy energy." and I've been reflecting on it a lot lately. It's good to reflect on mistakes and learn from them, but if you over do it and beat yourself up you are just focusing on the past rather than working towards seizing the future that is available to you. All I do know for sure is, no matter what your story is, it does get better the longer you stay clean. Your brain re-calibrates itself slowly over time. This I can definitely confirm! Post lots, and remember to celebrate the small victories. Even the shittiest day you could ever possibly have is a victory if it puts you another day further away from "adderall hell".

I totally know what you're getting at, as I was a binge user also, and went through detox CONSTANTLY, like it was no big thing. It became part of my routing and I would incorporate recovery time into my binge schedules. The thing with binging is that the addiction is different. You can often easily stop usage for a few days if you need to. Your day to day urges are not that strong. But whatever your binge cycle is (like as you say, one week out of every month), you will feel that pressure building like clockwork. With binging, you get cravings less frequently, but when you do get cravings, you a) crave the BINGE, not moderate use and b ) you crave it FIERCELY, nobody will be able to talk to you out of it Like steam pressure building up in your brain, the binge/detox cycle just opens the valve and lets the pressure out. Only for it to slowly start boiling again, to become a problem again in a month or so. It feels like being a ticking time bomb. It's the proverbial monkey on your back. Personally, I think because of my binge style use, and how much time I spent sober (because I would run out really quickly and have to wait for a refill), it took me a LONG time to face the fact that I was helplessly under the control of adderall, and my choices were not my own. I would propose to you to consider the fact that the detox part of the cycle is actually a part of your addiction. When I finally had this epiphany it really helped me understand why I was doing the things I was doing, despite it destroying my body, life and future.

yeah we dont have profile signatures anymore. oh well. there are many ways to keep track of days. maybe sometimes its nice to just say "doesn't matter how long it's been. quit is quit. 1 month, 5 months, 2 years, makes no difference"

Merry Christmas All Sorry it's so late. I miss my ticker :<

Thinking about this a bit more the next morning. I don't know what happened to me lately but it's like I spent the last couple months in complete denial that this ever happened. For some reason I snapped out of the trance and it was like shocking to think back on what actually happened. For anyone who has the opportunity to move to a new city and get away from all the triggers and temptations, I can state for the record that it REALLY helps to get a break from hating yourself. Though as I said above, it can also be easy to forget a little bit too much, and let your guard down.

This article is the best I have ever read. I have never been through a more accurate depiction of the honeymoon phase. This person nails it exactly down to every detail for me. And then where it goes next. I have spent the last ten minutes reading this article with my jaw dropped completely. It feels like ages ago but its not. It's so not... I think that's what makes it so easy and tempting to return to, even though it was insanity. I have always managed to convince myself that it is some distant memory that can't hurt me. How wrong that is...

I know this is an old Post Erin but it was really insightful. I read it for the first time tonight in detail and it's really the perfect truth.

I actually forgot how long it had been, hadn't been thinking about adderall for a while since I have a lot going on (mostly good things) in my life right now. That has really helped me a lot. I'm happy to see I cracked the 4 month mark; I haven't been "this clean" in a long time. I had a tickle of a craving last night, wouldn't it be nice if I just had a few... and I remember I hadn't visited this site in a while. As much as it's nice to be thinking about other things and forget about my nightmare of an addiction for a while, by ignoring it I am neglecting my recovery. And that is why I failed last time. I need to be back here often. I'm glad to see so many famliar names are doing so well, well into their second year already! Wow!! That's so awesome! For those of you I haven't met yet, hope to connect with you soon.

congrats to all of you guys. 1 year is incredible!

holy shit frank! almost at a year!!

binderdonedat

welcome, and congrats on making the best decision of your life this well written timeline may answer some questions. http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/3247-4-years-clean-a-recovery-timeline/?hl=%2Brecovery+%2Btimeline

I highly recommend the movie "Inside Out" for anyone in early recovery who needs deal with all the emotions they are dealing with. Have some tissues handy!

i realy should quit drinking because being drunk is always when i get the worst addy cravings. but its tough because its everywhere, and having a few beers is so easy to justify to yourself

your fear is typical of anyone facing this tough decision. just know that eventually the adderall will not work at all, and by then its grip will be iron tight and quitting will be even harder. I like the quote, "when you've got to eat shit, best to swallow and be done with it". tell your doctor to cut you off!

re: that video HOLY SHIT that is powerful. every bit of it is so beautifully horribly accurate. that was totally me in the shower holding my head in my hands with my brain screaming at myself "why... how could you do this again...." re: the lottery you totally had me going there too haha

i for one can say that a change in environment can be soooo helpful, although the adjustment period is always a bit awkward congrats on appraochign your 1 year anniversary!

I wish I had wise words of wisdom but LILTEX nailed it. We're all thinking of you. <3

and if you do plan on getting a masters or doctorate after, then all the more reason to quit now. you don't want to be chained to adderall going into one of those programs. its not worth it.

it was a nice meet

my ankle and knee hurt so much but its nothing compared to the crying and emotional agony from coming down from an adderall binge. im still happy to be free

so happy to hear back. glad you are doing so well keep up the awesome work!

awesome that you have been clean for so long. congratulations! it's so nice that you want to participate and share here.

welcome!

Having time to hang out with friends, or play sports, or go out drinking, (and even taking pills to do these things at all costs), but never having time for you is a common theme I hear from partners of users posting on this site. I think it's because all the other things, there is some sort of activity involved, that adderall makes you better at. It makes you better at drinking, better at golfing, better at hockey, etc. But it takes away your ability to just be available and be who you are for the other person to enjoy being with. There are so many analogies between addiction and abusive relationships. You are what is good for your boyfriend, and the right choice to make, but adderall is what he chooses anyway, every time. It's really sad. I think you made the right choice for yourself by getting out of that situation. Sorry for the pain and I hope you find healing.