LostMyMind

(10 year adderallic, currently 5 months sober) My boyfriend and I have only been together 10 months, but he's certainly the reason I committed to sobriety. I tried to warn him that the withdrawal would be bad, but he said he was in it for the long haul. He has zero substance abuse experience/knowledge, and i've tried sharing articles with him from this site but no one could prepare either of us for the months ahead. I have good days and bad days, but it's really fucking hard to control my PAWS. I've been so depressed, and he's expressed how that makes HIM depressed. I'm resentful towards him for not being strong enough to talk me down from my depression spirals, and resentful towards him for making me worry about how i'm affecting him when i'm already so wrapped up in my own problems. I postponed my sobriety for so long because every attempt I made was clearly affecting people around me, so it just felt easier to keep up this cycle. Now that we're here, it's clearly affecting us both in such a negative way. I've kept my addiction a secret my whole life, so I don't have much of a support system outside of him. I recognize how this is too much to put on one person, so i'm in therapy which has helped a bit but i'm still feeling weird. I want this to work and am so grateful for him, but worry this isn't sustainable. Help

To be completely transparent, I found 1 vyvanse hidden in all my junk when I was moving ~3 weeks ago. I hesitated, but popped it in my mouth before I could come to my senses. That night and the next day I felt miserable, crying and more irritable than ever. I felt so ashamed and dissapointed in myself, but my partner reminded me that it's okay to be human and slip up, and not let it take me off course. Without that one flub, today would be day 46 sober. I haven't kept track of days in the same way as before, trying to focus on one day at a time and make this more of a lifestyle change than anything, but everybody is different. If anything, this slip-up taught me a huge lesson: the willingness to bounce back and keep going means this is all part of the process. Healing is not linear; it is bumpy, messy, and unpredictable. But taking those bumps as learning experiences helps us to be kinder to ourselves as we grow. *cringe* I sound so corny lol— but I hope this helps. Also, I can relate to the program struggle. I tried AA, NA, codependency groups... nothing has been quite as helpful as this forum. I hope that enough people talking about this specific addiction will eventually bring that support group to life. I mean hey, what's stopping us from creating our own Adderall Addicts Anonymous (AAA)?

Good for you! Tapering can be the HARDEST part, but it sounds like you really have the self control to take the reins here. I understand the fear of not performing "the best" (or "our best") at work, especially if everyone else seems to be going 1000mph. BUT, understand that you are enough and they are lucky to have you. Don't forget to be kind to yourself; this is a very difficult process and you're just getting over that last hurdle. From my experience— the first few days will be rough, so take a sick day or two if you can, but once you're over that hump it is a beautiful life. Good luck George!

@DelaneyJuliette, It sounds like we were in similar places. I've felt so much shame around my addictions, that it felt absolutely crucial to keep it a secret. The first person I tried to confide in (IRL) was my sister— thinking she would help or be supportive—but she made me feel more ashamed. Opening up here feels like a safe space to communicate with people who actually understand (and cheer us on! and even hold us accountable). I started being kinder to myself when someone told me "Being aware of current habits that are hurting your life = progress" and it's true; we could be using and abusing to the extent we once were, with no intentions of slowing down. You have the desire to want to change, which is better than the place we started in. I should mention that I gave my boyfriend my pill bottle when quitting "cold turkey" so that I could relinquish control. He said he hid them, didn't flush them, so I spent one night searching everywhere while he was asleep (and even had dreams about finding them again). I cried when he woke up and said no matter how badly I beg for one, please do not let me cave. There's too much shame around going to him with my tail between my legs asking for "one more just this once", so I'd rather be angry and craving silently. It was tough at first, but truly easier with each passing day. There's never going to be a good time to quit. But i'll ask you the question that was asked of me, "Do you really want to quit?". Because once you do, I believe you can make it happen—With love and patience with yourself. Keep reaching out for support, because we can't do it alone. I'm rooting for you and know you've got this. One day at a time!

@sleepystupid @speedracer + anyone else following this post: happy to update that I am 12 days sober! I broke up with my psychiatrist today AKA canceled our appointment to avoid getting refills. I started the wellbutrin, but didn't feel much of a difference until the crying spells became so constant. I have a few left but feel like it's better to quit both meds cold turkey. Knowing I have a few wellbutrin left feels so much different than having a few adderall left. I tried weening off addy, but knowing I had ANY left was all it took to lose control. When i'd get upset about something, I grabbed the pill bottle. When I was too wired, I grabbed a wine bottle to try and level out. ALWAYS ended the night sobbing uncontrollably promising myself to never do this shit again. SMH. /endrant I quit my toxic job and moved out of a dark living situation. I somehow managed to get a month break in between jobs, which honestly is the only way I could imagine doing this "cold turkey". Taking these 30 days to rest and recover. My partner has been super supportive, ie: cooking meals, cleaning, letting me be a lazy blob on his couch free of judgement. He's the only one who knows I'm quitting my 10 year adderallic binge; but I've kept my self-medication a secret from everyone, really. I got a copy of "The Artist's Way" and a journal, which I struggle to keep up with, but both have been helpful. When I'm randomly pissed off or depressed, I try to write it out even if I don't want to. My biggest fear of quitting was affecting the people around me (knowing i'd get even more irritable than usual), so writing things down helped me vent "silently" I suppose. Anyway-- I'm really grateful for this forum. Reading through this makes me feel less alone. As common as this addiction is, it's crazy how few people in my life understand what it's like to not be able to just take one or walk away from it's grip. I was really fucking scared to just stop cold turkey, but creating an environment that made this time a lil more bearable has helped immensely. Hope this helps anyone else out there struggling. We're in this together! Good luck.

Hi there. 27F, been using adderall for 10 years (4 years abused, 6 years prescribed+abused) and ready to reclaim my life back. Thanks to this forum, I finally had the courage to tell my doctor I want to quit. I asked if he had suggestions on tapering off, and his response: prescribe 150 mg of wellbutrin and another month's supply of adderall (two 20mg daily). I was really disappointed and told myself I wasn't going to pick up those scripts because I wanted to handle this the natural way but... my workload ramped up and I caved. I've been researching wellbutrin to see if this would be an effective way to taper off adderall, but I'm terrified that i'd be starting a whole new vicious cycle. The seizure warnings are enough for me to stare at the unopened bottle with some willpower. I've caught myself drinking a ridiculous amount the past 4 years as a way to try and "level out" from the adderall highs and feel "normal", but the results just stack on a new addictive behavior. Apparently stopping drinking on wellbutrin can cause seizures too? I'm just really scared. I think I know the answer to this, but it's been tough to face the lack of support from my doctor. I want to be strong enough to cut the cord forreal, but don't know if I can trust myself to do this on my own. I just don't want to be talked back off the ledge. Thanks again for this solid support system. Rooting for all of us.