Doge

my ankle and knee hurt so much but its nothing compared to the crying and emotional agony from coming down from an adderall binge. im still happy to be free

so happy to hear back. glad you are doing so well keep up the awesome work!

awesome that you have been clean for so long. congratulations! it's so nice that you want to participate and share here.

welcome!

Having time to hang out with friends, or play sports, or go out drinking, (and even taking pills to do these things at all costs), but never having time for you is a common theme I hear from partners of users posting on this site. I think it's because all the other things, there is some sort of activity involved, that adderall makes you better at. It makes you better at drinking, better at golfing, better at hockey, etc. But it takes away your ability to just be available and be who you are for the other person to enjoy being with. There are so many analogies between addiction and abusive relationships. You are what is good for your boyfriend, and the right choice to make, but adderall is what he chooses anyway, every time. It's really sad. I think you made the right choice for yourself by getting out of that situation. Sorry for the pain and I hope you find healing.

congratulations! welcome to the boards!

sneakerheads is a cool documentary on netflix which is really entertaining.

glad to hear that you are still sober!! dont look back now!

those dreams feel so soooo weird and creepy. blech!

if you are surviving and not really drinking coffee then you are already a super hero. I drink like two full pots of coffee a day to myself and strong coffee too

My pill supplier used to always talk my ear off when I visited about his whole family and how much he loved them. His nephews, sister, parents etc. I saw a family picture of him with his family on facebook, and was standing in the back looking like a serial killer about to murder each and every one of them.

Sounds like you know what's up! Welcome to the forum!

If this were reddit post it would get gold.

To clarify, I'm assuming by context that FKADDERALL and sobrietysucks are the same person. If not, this may not make sense. You can totally turn back now, shrug this off as a relatively harmless slip, and flush what you have. Your 14 months sober are not thrown away. You know deep down that you don't want to go back on the pills long term. If you let this slip continue into a full blown relapse. It will be agony again.

And if you are anything like me, it already has. If you've already developed a binging addiction, taking one pill is nothing but torture. So returning to responsible use is not an option anyway.

you build up to it, in baby steps. mike wrote a good example, like pushing a giant wheel. it's hard to start, but once it gets some momentum it doesnt seem so bad

I hear this. There are good days and bad days for sure. The motivation will come. Just survive the mean time and be as easy on yourself as possible. It sucks knowing work is piling up though. Got any vacation time saved up?

That's an amazing demonstration of commitment. You've left yourself no place to hide from your wife. That's great that you brought her on board with your plan. You are awesome (Is your doctor aware of what is going on? That sounds like the only bridge left to burn.)

Thanks for sharing and welcome! It sounds like you are doing awesome and are on track! And good for you for going to N/A meetings. That is probably really helpful. I've never had the courage myself yet.... I know exactly what you mean about the cycle of self-abuse. Using them up fast then crashing and suffering. Only to JUST start feeling better again and go get more and start over. May I ask if you took any pre-cautions when you quit? Did you get your doctors to cut you off in case the really hard cravings hit in the future? They are almost impossible to resist for most of us. I'm really happy for your decision to live a life of freedom and glad you are getting your sense of humour back.

there are definitely some things you just genuinely enjoy before adderall, and then enjoy them even MORE on adderall. like say you are a gardener, and you like planting your flowers in a clean bed of dirt. well that means picking all the little rocks and debris out, which is a chore, and not really the thing you love. But it's all part of the rewarding feeling that goes along with it. on adderall however, you'll LOVE picking those little rocks and twigs out, and will make that into a passion in and of itself. so much so that you will pick every rock and twig out of the neighborhood while your plants expire and die because you forgot to plant them. just an example i think. But what you say is true, sometimes you already loved the things that adderall made you love

dreams where you relapse and go back to the pills are so creepy. such a weird weird weird feeling. had one last night where I met a new friend who kept feeding me a supply. I dreamt that I accidentally took so many I was sure it was going to kill me but woke up immediately after. so unsettling.... about a week ago I dreamt I started doing cocaine and picked up another addiction doing that and chasing a supply. sure feels good to wake up and realize it didn't happen though, and one day further away from that nightmare

Exactly!

you did it! this is such an awesome post. i'm so happy for you of course there are going to be hard times ahead but we're all here for eachother. and no matter how bad cravings get, they will pass so long as you don't have access. congratulations on taking the scariest but most important action of your life. I echo bluemoon's sentiments 100%

This is a great way to put it.

read what you wrote in your "about me" section of your profile