Doge

welcome!

Having time to hang out with friends, or play sports, or go out drinking, (and even taking pills to do these things at all costs), but never having time for you is a common theme I hear from partners of users posting on this site. I think it's because all the other things, there is some sort of activity involved, that adderall makes you better at. It makes you better at drinking, better at golfing, better at hockey, etc. But it takes away your ability to just be available and be who you are for the other person to enjoy being with. There are so many analogies between addiction and abusive relationships. You are what is good for your boyfriend, and the right choice to make, but adderall is what he chooses anyway, every time. It's really sad. I think you made the right choice for yourself by getting out of that situation. Sorry for the pain and I hope you find healing.

congratulations! welcome to the boards!

sneakerheads is a cool documentary on netflix which is really entertaining.

glad to hear that you are still sober!! dont look back now!

those dreams feel so soooo weird and creepy. blech!

if you are surviving and not really drinking coffee then you are already a super hero. I drink like two full pots of coffee a day to myself and strong coffee too

My pill supplier used to always talk my ear off when I visited about his whole family and how much he loved them. His nephews, sister, parents etc. I saw a family picture of him with his family on facebook, and was standing in the back looking like a serial killer about to murder each and every one of them.

Sounds like you know what's up! Welcome to the forum!

If this were reddit post it would get gold.

To clarify, I'm assuming by context that FKADDERALL and sobrietysucks are the same person. If not, this may not make sense. You can totally turn back now, shrug this off as a relatively harmless slip, and flush what you have. Your 14 months sober are not thrown away. You know deep down that you don't want to go back on the pills long term. If you let this slip continue into a full blown relapse. It will be agony again.

And if you are anything like me, it already has. If you've already developed a binging addiction, taking one pill is nothing but torture. So returning to responsible use is not an option anyway.

you build up to it, in baby steps. mike wrote a good example, like pushing a giant wheel. it's hard to start, but once it gets some momentum it doesnt seem so bad

I hear this. There are good days and bad days for sure. The motivation will come. Just survive the mean time and be as easy on yourself as possible. It sucks knowing work is piling up though. Got any vacation time saved up?

That's an amazing demonstration of commitment. You've left yourself no place to hide from your wife. That's great that you brought her on board with your plan. You are awesome (Is your doctor aware of what is going on? That sounds like the only bridge left to burn.)

Thanks for sharing and welcome! It sounds like you are doing awesome and are on track! And good for you for going to N/A meetings. That is probably really helpful. I've never had the courage myself yet.... I know exactly what you mean about the cycle of self-abuse. Using them up fast then crashing and suffering. Only to JUST start feeling better again and go get more and start over. May I ask if you took any pre-cautions when you quit? Did you get your doctors to cut you off in case the really hard cravings hit in the future? They are almost impossible to resist for most of us. I'm really happy for your decision to live a life of freedom and glad you are getting your sense of humour back.

there are definitely some things you just genuinely enjoy before adderall, and then enjoy them even MORE on adderall. like say you are a gardener, and you like planting your flowers in a clean bed of dirt. well that means picking all the little rocks and debris out, which is a chore, and not really the thing you love. But it's all part of the rewarding feeling that goes along with it. on adderall however, you'll LOVE picking those little rocks and twigs out, and will make that into a passion in and of itself. so much so that you will pick every rock and twig out of the neighborhood while your plants expire and die because you forgot to plant them. just an example i think. But what you say is true, sometimes you already loved the things that adderall made you love

dreams where you relapse and go back to the pills are so creepy. such a weird weird weird feeling. had one last night where I met a new friend who kept feeding me a supply. I dreamt that I accidentally took so many I was sure it was going to kill me but woke up immediately after. so unsettling.... about a week ago I dreamt I started doing cocaine and picked up another addiction doing that and chasing a supply. sure feels good to wake up and realize it didn't happen though, and one day further away from that nightmare

Exactly!

you did it! this is such an awesome post. i'm so happy for you of course there are going to be hard times ahead but we're all here for eachother. and no matter how bad cravings get, they will pass so long as you don't have access. congratulations on taking the scariest but most important action of your life. I echo bluemoon's sentiments 100%

This is a great way to put it.

read what you wrote in your "about me" section of your profile

It was wisely said to me once as a warning: "It's your choice, but just remember - actions have consequences." Do yourself a favour, and ask yourself what is really going to happen if you do this. If you take one 20mg XR. You'll be productive for about 20 minutes maybe when it kicks in, and then your brain will go into overdrive screaming for another pill. All those cravings will return. Let's assume best case scenario, you don't get another until the next day, because your mom dispenses your medication as arranged and doesn't let you up your dose. If you're anything like me, instead of spending the day productively, you'll spend it plotting ways to trick your mother, or get access. Again, best case scenario is that you fail at this. But you will just be absolutely torturing yourself for absolutely zero gain. Worst (and much more likely) scenario is that within a few days you manage to get your hands on the root of the supply, return to your old habits of upping your dose. You spend 36 hours playing video games or whatever it is that you said you used to spend all-nighters doing when you were high. It won't be as fun as you expect, and eventually (VERY QUICKLY) that bottle will run dry, and you will be left holding your head in your hands, picking up the pieces. Trust me, I know all too well how this plays out. You have gotten so much stronger over the last year, but addiction-wise, nothing has changed. You have just forgotten how strong the grip is. Find another solution. Reduce your courseload. Change your major. Take a semester off. Drop out. Anything but this. Adderall will abandon you again and leave you feeling lower than ever before. Please don't do this. If you go forward with this, it may well be the turning point you look back on one day and blame for when you destroyed your chance for success in school.

I'm so sorry, my heart melts for you reading that. I hate to say it but it sounds like you are in a horrible situation that you just need to remove yourself from. He has a long way to go to heal himself, and it won't begin until he decides he has a problem. Personally I was not in a relationship because of adderall. I chose to fall in love with drugs instead of putting myself out there in the dating world. I have no idea how my story would have played out if that were the case. I was a binge user, so I spent 2-3 weeks of every month completely sober, and about 2-4 days per month on a high that would resemble someone taking crystal meth. My problem was easier to spot because of this despite the grip of my addiction, even though I did spend some time in a denial phase. With that in mind, it is worth mentioning that your partner's daily dose is roughly what I would go through in a two day binge, and was enough to turn me absolutely insane and I would take a week to barely recover. I don't say this to scare you, but If he's sustaining that every day, I can't imagine it... Maybe my tolerance was just much lower because I went through detox after every time I used. I wanted to stop for a long time but was unable to completely walk away because every couple months or so I would just get possessed by an uncontrollable craving, change my mind and go back to it and get high for 2-3 days, then go through the whole cycle of quitting again. Members who were daily users with high doses might be able to offer more insight. But for now I think you need to look out for you. I hope the best for both of you.

If you're worried about not wanting to leave if there is still hope, have you thought about the following approach? (This is just my thoughts at the moment, not to be interpreted as advice, which I am in no way qualified to give.) Give an ultimatum, either you go or the medication goes (but you'd have to be ready to follow through, as hard as that sounds). Even if he doesn't respond favourably at first, wait it out for a few weeks. Give the loss time to sink in. If I were high on adderall, and my "irritating girlfriend or spouse" left me because I was ignoring her. I might at first think "oh good riddance, that's a distraction I don't need right now". But it wouldn't be me talking, it would be the drugs. But we always run out of pills. That's simultaneously the best and worst part of being an addict. When the crash inevitably comes, so too will the stabbing heartbreak of reality catch up with him. And that would be the time to have a real conversation about it. When your partner feels the same pain you are feeling and can finally empathize. Again, just a thought. Take it for what it's worth. I wish you the best, and am so sorry on behalf of your partner that put you through this.