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About Beback17

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    Thank you LILTEX. I really needed to hear that today.
  2. 5 months no adderall

    Wow Lowkee, you are kind of a badass. Quitting A and smoking at the same time - Bravo!
  3. More ashamed to post this than ever

    I'm glad you posted this. Don't feel ashamed. The folks on this site can be very helpful and a huge source of strength when you quit. LILTEX is right, especially #4 - your addiction is rationalizing and trying to convince you to keep taking adderall. You can make it through work, trust me. I was taking a very high dosage (all day every day) and was able to get through work when I quit. I did have to take a few sick days because I literally couldn't get out of bed, but that was in the first week. It has only been 29 days since stopping adderall, and I stll have days where work is painful, but it is getting better. And guess what - I'm happy, I feel sad and its ok, I feel joy and that is ok too. I can sit with my feelings because there isn't that lingering guilt and paranoia (self hate) that comes with Adderall. We all know what that feeling is and it is terrible. keep logging onto this site and look into some supplements that will help with Adderall withdrawal. They certainly help in the beginning. Sending positive thoughts your way!
  4. Work = My new unfavorite thing

    ha! nice to know I'm not the only one. Seems we all experience the same B.S. to one degree or another. Monday to Wednesday last week was pretty great at work, then Thursday hit and I burned out again. I love the subject matter of my profession and loved it before I used Adderall, hoping the motivation comes back. the knowledge is there, but everything seems like such a fucking chore. The withdrawal symptoms are beginning to fade, one day off, three day on - it comes and goes. How do I create my "days off" timeline. Until then = 4 weeks off of Adderall!!!
  5. It is not gone, only temporarily. Sounds like you have forgotten how to live. I only used prescribed Adderall for almost a year, but I quit almost 3 weeks ago and going back is not an option. Because my time on it was shorter, though I took double what you take for the last three months, I can function without. However, I do know what it is like to lose your ability to function in life. I battled heroin and speed addiction in my early years and it took almost 3 years of inpatient/outpatient rehab, groups and 12 steps, therapy and programs to become a functioning member of society. it was not "horrendous" as one may think. It was very deep and calm and balancing and I am blessed to have had the opportunity to go through it So I know how hopeless you feel right now. this is why I can't go back to that "medication" because I have an intimate understanding of what it means to hit rock bottom. I don't care if I'm mildly unorganized and do things out of order. I was successful like this before, I will continue to be successful. You may be passed the point of just walking away with your own might, rehabilitation may teach you a few things and will help you connect with others so you don't have to do it alone. consider it. you are unemployed, so take advantage of that. Start from the bottom and work your way back up with this thought in mind: Where will I be in a year if I stay on this medication - versus - will where I be if I go to rehab and build my life back up. Good luck to you.
  6. Work = My new unfavorite thing

    Thanks Renascido I guess it is just a matter of accepting that work does not feel fun for the time being.
  7. I've been off of adderall for only a few weeks, and it is very up and down. It's not as "terrible" as my mind amagined it to be, but it is still pretty challenging. I have no urge to take it, I have no choice actually. The only choice I have is to make the best of my days with the way I feel and to be easy on myself. One thing is certain - Work Sucks!!!!!!!!!! And I've never felt this way about my job. I did fine before I started to take this medication. I'm still good at what I do, but I want to pull my hair out when I'm there. If I could break it up into 2-3 hour spurts of work and do things like exercise, nap, watch an episode of my current series in between those "work spurts," that would be optimal. There is no way my employers would go for that, lol. ​I've heard many of you discuss this blah work phase, when does it improve?? even the smallest improvement would be great. I assume it will be up to me to muscle through full force until that "motivation muscle" is working independently again. Thanks guys
  8. Had to Know, Now I know

    And Frank - Yes, I can have roller coaster emotions when I am using or coming off of adderall. I've had friends who are bi-polar, and that is a whole different ball game.
  9. Had to Know, Now I know

    I didn't lash out at Frank. I returned the "brutally honest" favor and have him my straight forward view of his posts. Look, I'm not on here to analyze each other and get analyzed. I'm on here to let all of the crap that was going on inside of my head out. I can't do that with my day to day peeps. Sometimes people just need to hear - "I hear you, I've been there and I'm still alive. You will get through this" that's it. Simple. And Frank is, in my opinion, somewhat passive agressive.
  10. Had to Know, Now I know

    To Frank: no, I'm pretty even keeled. But I have noticed your passive aggression, I've noticed that the whole time I've been coming on this site during the last year. you may want to look into that.
  11. Had to Know, Now I know

    Not sure if this is really a "tell your story" topic, but it is part of my story - here it goes. so, after running out of my prescription last Tuesday, I white knuckled it through a tough couple of days. I actually started feeling rather happy on Saturday. I was feeling like myself again and forgot how wonderful it was not to be paranoid and stressed and anxious all of the time. Work is not as fun as it is on Adderall, but I love my profession so I know that motivation will return. Well, yesterday morning I got a voicemail from the prescribing doctor's office to let me know my prescription was ready to pick up. Grrrr, I spent so much time wrestling with it in my head until I just went and got it. $15 later, I was 90/30 deep in legal speed and feeling even more stressed. I took 1 30, screw it, threw another one in for good measure. There I went. Haha, when I got to the office, I did the following: quickly cruised through email inbox peed like 8 times trained a new paralegal on her Outlook settings and even popped over to her cubicle to "revamp" her how inbox set up. (wtf!!!) finally, proceeded to re-do a checklist we use for work product in excel format - for 2.5 hours. Oh, I finally figured out how to keep the "page break" look without the lame page number watermarks. Ended up having to leave, which made me sad. Proceeded to worry about nothing, google every random fucking thing that went through my head. Micromanage my daughter while the thought "i'm such a shitty mom" ran through my head periodically. Oh yeah, I also emailed some internet protection company about signs that someone installed spyware on my iPhone and how I can prove it I then laid in bed last night, thoughts swirling through my head - and suddenly I noticed - they were all negative and bad. they all had this undertone of self hate and suspicion of everyone. I was suffering so much I began crying. I knew - this drug has robbed me of my light and my happiness and my relationships and my life for almost 12 months and being off of it and feeling myself come back - only to take it again and experience the soul hijack - even my cat was looking at me funny. FUCK THAT I flushed those little assholes down the toilet and went to sleep. I know, I know, it's bad to flush medication into out water systems. but that was the only way. yesterday evening SUCKED. people at the stores weren't as friendly and they all seemed as though they knew, lol. Well, I'm not cool with that feeling anymore Now I know that this medication is terrible for me and is capable of ruining my life should I continue use.
  12. Curious Question - Diet and Exercise

    Awesome! Thanks LILTEX41. #8 is on point. I've always had to use cardio to soothe my natural anxiety/jumping off of the walls personality. Helps when you have to make a big decision or just have to clear the "cobwebs"
  13. Also - fire your therapist - he/she is either an idiot or taking Adderall too.