Doge

So glad to hear you're doing well! I just went back and read your original post from so long ago. You have come so far since then. Keep it up! You deserve to be happy!

Yes LILTEX's advice is spot on. I feel a bit silly after reading it and then going back and reading my answer. I'm afraid that I was definitely projecting a lot of my own experiences onto the situation without actually having any way of knowing the truth. I just kind of got wound up as I was typing it out. I should disclaim that I'm still not quite 30 days out of the fog (I was clean for most of last year but had a few month relapse recently) so my mind is still foggy and easily manipulated by my feelings. Anyways, wishing you all the best. I definitely believe in happy endings. And thank you for the kind words dad! They mean so much!

If he stops, he absolutely will. And honestly from the situation you describe it will come back in a blast that can be so painful to him I cannot describe. It will be unbearable agony. To say that seeing yourself for the disaster you've become hurts fiercely, is an understatement. Oh GOD do I ever know what you mean. I would blast through my monthly supply in a few days (yes a few days you read that correctly). I would crash so hard I would be in a fog for a week. This worked out so I had several weeks to recover until I met up with my buddy who supplied me. I would put on a fake show to seem like i had it together to avoid having him get suspicious of what was really going on. It's something we naturally get good at. The fear of losing your supply is a powerful motivator. My style of use was similar to your partners so I can offer this: Every time I would go through this I would convince myself I would never do it again. And I would truly be convinced (this has literally gone on for almost 4 years, minus about a year total when I managed to get clean for small chunks of time). I'm speaking for myself only (but i bet there are similarities) but let me try to take you into the mind of a binge-user: The following stages are what I cycled through month after month after month. 1) be high as a kite for a while, avoid contact with everyone while being tweaked out like a methhead (at those high of doses, it practically is like being on meth) this can last for days depending on how advanced the usage has gotten and how much adderall is available 2) crash brutally hard for about 16 hours. during this time you brain barely works. in a weeks time this will just feel like a blur in your memory. don't really feel guilty for anything because you can barely think about it 3) next 72 hours (after maybe at least one good nights sleep) you start to feel a little better, convince yourself you are recovering nd wont do it so bad every again, actually hell, maybe you'll quit. but oh well worry about that later. too tired to think much right now. order pizza and watch netflix and hide form the world as much as possible and drag your ass to work if you absolutely have to but put in the bare minimum and be extremely irritable to everyone 4) after that, heart rate is returning to normal, feeling tired and unmotivated, but not so miserable. cravings haven't started hitting you yet, you can think a little more clearly. but just can't seem to focus on anything 5) about about 2 weeks of non using, you are just on a countdown until refill day, and it's all you can think about. you'll sit and fantasize about how much smarter you're going to be. only one per day, maybe two. well, depends how much i have to do over the weekend. DEFINITELY no more than 3 that's for sure.... yada yada yada you get the idea. 6) the day of the refill is all paranoia. I'm so worried that something will go wrong, my friend (dealer, for some its a doctor) will change his mind or won't be home. but I can't act stressed or he'll figure out how fucked up i am. I have to act like I don't give a shit. "oh yeah you're busy tonight? you're out of town? no worries, maybe I can just swing and meet you.. oh you're 3 hours out of town? yeah i'll just catch you tomorrow... or wait, no actually I was heading there too I'll meet you somewhere. Once I secure the supply. Head home and get ready to resume step 1. --------- You mentioned you are holding out hope for your partner. I've been single this whole roller coaster (thank god I don't have to deal with the guilt of destroying a relationship over this stuff) but you don't deserve to have to go through this month after month. It's not fair. I think the following quitting options are most likely (please don't get the impression that I'm trying to tell you what to do. this is an impossible situation for you, and only you know what is right for you): 1) he figures things out on his own and tells his doctor to cut him off, then he goes through a long battle of recovery (which is SOOO much more than just those brutal 10 days which admittedly are the worst) 2) you give him an ultimatum (this may be the wakeup he needs, or he may not even hear you correctly at the time and ignore you completely) if this were to happen, don't take it personally as it's the addict talking, not the person you feel in love with. 3) you go behind his back and tell his doctor that he's binge using them all in a few days and faking that everything is OK for the appointment (I don't recommend this, because he may not react well and it may blow up in your face and be even more destructive to you). Either way based on what you described, for him to quit will almost certainly require his doctor cutting him off permanently (which is a terrifying prospect for him right now). Based on how advanced his problem sounds, I don't know how likely the first option is either and you may end up getting to the point where enough is enough and you need to tell him to choose between you and the pills. And IF this is the path you end up choosing, I can suggest only the following.... Bring up the subject between stages 3 and 4 above, when he is back on his feet enough to be able to handle an intense heart to heart conversation like that, but don't wait too long after that, because once the heavy cravings start to hit you will be talking to the addict again, not his real self. And you need him to be choosing to quit. If you make him quit it just won't work properly. I am so sorry that you are being put through this. It's bad enough when you know you can quit at any time just by reaching out for help but refuse to. But watching someone else decline into chaos and feeling powerless to intervene sounds agonizing. I can't even imagine. Rooting for both of you. Please post back if you have any more question. With any luck we will have a new member here soon.

I would like to chime in here with some details because it's an interesting phenomenon how the brain gradually recovers, and although I hate that I relapsed it gave me some valuable insight. From my timeline over the past year I have learned the following: If I have access to pills and I've been clean for less than 1 month, I won't even be able to stash them let alone throw them out. Like I could be sitting at my desk thinking to myself concentrating on how much destruction it is going to cause to my life, and still not be able to resist. Gotta work tomorrow? Who cares, let's pull an all nighter. I'll call in sick or just go into work on no sleep tweaked right out. People will be able to tell that I looks like a haggard zombie? Fuck em what do they know. If I've been clean for 2 months or so, I'll be able to resist maybe a day or two, then a binge is gonna inevitably happen. For between 3-6 months, I don't know what would have happened. There were definitely times when I was vulnerable and there were times when I was feeling strong, but my willpower fluctuated. I didn't any have any opportunities thought, so I wasn't tested. After 8 months, the temptation was there, and I was in a few dangerous situations where I had opportunities but I was able to wise up and see how stupid it would be. Around the 10 month mark, when I relapsed last year, I caved because I was arrogant. Not because I was unable to resist. I literally and truly believed that I was "healed" and I could control it this time. This is not meant to be an excuse, just an observation of what was going on in my head. I had never been clean for this long so I had no prior information. Ultimately I failed to plan ahead and protect myself from temptation before I was tempted. If you wait until you you are tempted, it's too late. Point being, somewhere around the 1 year mark, I think brain function (particularly the part that looks at a situation) must be back to strong enough so that you can at least reason and think like a non-addict, and make choices according to your judgement. ISuvived and AlwaysAwesome: I think you guys made the right choice because you earned the ability to do so through perseverance and hard work during your clean time. During your recovery you rebuilt your frontal lobe (or whatever part of your brain controls decision making in the face of optional instant gratification vs long term consequences). This isn't scientific obviously I'm just venting my gut thoughts here. On one hand it's really terrifying how when you're in the thick of the craziness, you can sit there and think "man, this pill will burn my life down, like, this is literally brain poison and is going to totally fuck me up and everything I hold dear". Then 5 seconds later you can shrug it off and toss it down the hatch like you don't give a shit. On the other and it's really nice to know that you can recover from this (not from being addicted) but at least from such casual disregard for life-threatening danger. So thanks for being inspiring!

lol i think you're post influenced me because last night i dreamt that i stood up at my desk and saw a pill on top of my computer. i can't remember what happened after that but i guess it doesn't matter since it was not real.....

thats great that you flung that little bastard!

AWESOME! half way! the absolute worst part is over now! how are you feeling?

87 days is some serious clean time. you're flying through days now!

You are so smart to do it right away rather than wait. The destruction that it could wreak is so great. Good job! EDIT: Seriously this post made my throat clench when I read the title, although I knew in my heart before reading it that you made the right choice. This was a happy thread to read.

I totally can identify with so many parts of your story, especially at the beginning when I chuckled to myself thinking "wow I'll never let it get that bad". Well guess what I did, and it got worse than I ever imagined it could. It's totally a horrible feeling in the world when it finally dawns on you that something is wrong, and you really can't stop yourself. I've been in the scene you're describing for so so long. The only way out for me was to get myself cut off. It's the best way. Our instincts and pride tell us to keep our despair and tears and anguish a secret. But this works against you because it's pretty much impossible to stop through will power alone at this point. Once your brain heals to about the 6 month point, you start to level out and are able to resist more, but until then you need help in the mean time because the irresistable cravings (like when you basically have split personality and you talk yourself out of quitting) show up within a few weeks like clockwork. You WILL get your true self back, but it comes back gradually in stages. Your first and most important step is to cut yourself off in whatever way to can. Make sure it's not an option to go back later. Because the cravings ALWAYS come back no matter how much you hate the drug. I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting at my desk sobbing after binging through 20 pills in a day and a half, knowing that I am going to have to cope with the crash, and simply wondering how long it's going to be until I break down and start the whole fucking destructive cycle over again. You can stop and you have come to the right place for support!

wow you are getting close now

7 months is soooo awesome. you must feel so proud! and you should!

go guys go!!!

i'm finally getting back on the nutrition/exercise bandwagon, trying not to think about what *COULD HAVE BEEN* if I had stuck to it first few days are the worst but it's started getting easier. I tried LCHF a few times over the past few years and it just doesn't work for me - I can't stand it - I need my milk and sugars too much... I do agree it does work though

i haven't been to one but I imagine it to be more personal than this website since you meet real people and get more in person real time support. one obvious advantage to this site of course being that our addictions are more similar since we all used/abused the same drug

TDT great to see you blast through your first week. almost done the second week now!

had a SUPER fun couple of nights with some musicians and we did a couple shows at some bars. next one is in a month or so I can't wait!!! I would love to share a video clip with you guys but don't wanna out my real life identity publicly on this site. if anyone wants to see send me a PM! signed, excited

So happy you've made that decision to quit. Do not despair (not too much anyway, I know its a rough spot you're going through now) because things are going to get much better for you!!!! I totally know what you mean about crying and being able to do nothing except lay around on the couch. Just go with it and try to go easy on yourself and enjoy the twisted vacation as much as possible. Eat the foods you love and try to distract yourself while you get through the early part. Life is going to get so much better for you!

i remember one particular episode had me so brutally depressed I was googling for help and therapy. fortunately i found some help

50 carbs isnt too much, or are you doing a LCHF diet?

im so jealous of you having not seen them yet. prepare for one hell of a ride

you definitely should feel very proud of yourself!

ouch!

Congrats to both of you!!

i decided im going to carry around a bicycle bell with me and ring it as i walk through crowded places like subway stations. I've heard it works great and people just impulsively get out of the way