Doge

I used to think of my inner addict as some sort of fun loving, rule breaking, live in the moment, don't care about the future or consequences, irresponsible side of myself. But now, particularly after my most recent (AND FINAL) descent into insanity I believe with all my heart that it's a demon who wants to kill me and everything good about me.

i'm a little late coming into this thread. But yes I smoked a lot of weed during early (first few months) recovery. no it doesnt help with motivation but it helps you just have something to look forward to and is much better for you than drinking (at least I think) since my relapse happened, I went back to weed to use it to help me get through the hard part. but I have pretty much kicked it now. it's a terrible habit honestly, but if it helps it helps. and fortunateley it is just that. a habit. it's not really addictive. I was a heavy weed smoker for 12 years. when I quit cold turkey, I had a few days of absolute misery and then boom, it was over, just like that. no withdrawals nothing. it's just a habit which is harmless in comparison to stimulants. so if it helps you I say go for it just don't let the cops catch you with it! (obviously) Again, this is way late but I can't resist chiming in here because I am pretty obsessed with nutrition and diets: The Atkins diet (which is one of the most well known LCHF diets) demands that you have a VERY large vegetable intake. Atkins diet is often misunderstood and confused with it's "induction phase" (critics of the Atkins program like to perpetuate this confusion, go figure) during which participants are encouraged to consume lots of fatty meats like bacon, sausage, steak, cheese, and everything has a lot of butter. It's not lifestyle that is sustainable as it causes quite a bit of wear and tear on your organs and digestive system, instead it's meant to kickstart your metabolism into burning fat, and is to be used as a transitional tool to get yourself into the program. Nobody is intended to stay in that phase for very long. But that aside, I think paleo (and pretty much all of the variations that I've read about) is the way to go anyway. It is the way we were meant to eat, and our bodies run so much better on it. So I think you are doing the right thing. I've tried Atkins in the past and I just couldn't handle the side-effects of being in a ketogenic state (when your body burns fat for fuel instead of carbohydrates).

this is my second day of rest after that short run i mentioned. I want to take it easy and not go too hard on my back and hips just quite yet, so i've decided to run once every three days for now. looking forward to my next run tomorrow. maybe I'll make it two miles!

i can finally look at cigarettes and see them for the disgusting sticks of death that they are rather than some sort of treat like candy or champagne to indulge in to excess. I want nothing to do with them ( except maybe the odd one when im drinking but of course this is when I will be craving adderall the worst too, so the two things are probably no coincidence, and why us recovering addicts should be very careful with alcohol ) i know its been said already but the cigarettes to me were probably worse than the adderall itself

you should be very proud of yourself. buy yourself a present!

wow thats longer than i will ever run probably. that's amazing. I'd be thrilled with myelf if i can run for 5miles one day though though

Made it 1 mile! hehehe Felt good to get going again, but really didn't give me the real head rush that I used to get once I break the 2-3 mile mark. Oh well, something to look forward to I guess. Thanks for resurrecting this thread LILTEX, I have been meaning to get back into this (I even went out and bought a really expensive pair of shoes last week to motivate myself) but have been putting off getting started. This was just the push I needed. I'm really excited to get going again! I even had a dream a couple nights ago that I was some sort of super athletic soccer player that no goalie could handle, then I woke up to realize I was still my fat self LOL. Maybe we can start some sort of 25-50-100-300 mile challenge threads?

you just made me so happy the thought of those little pricks being flushed down the toilet warms my heart I can't remember if you said you were a binge user (like myself) or if you used the prescribed daily dose, but I look back and realized that every binge could have been the one that killed me. you just saved yourself so much pain (or even your LIFE!!!) remember that. GOOD for you!! it's the best thing you could have done

Traffic fluctuates. Some days it's almost like instant messaging. Other days you wait a week for a response. But the response always comes. Sorry to hear that the meetings didn't go well. Maybe try another one? And I believe with all my heart that you can be happy sober, just not 100% of the time. Happiness in some sense really just boils down to chemicals I think. And we've all fucked our brains up with this drug and healing takes some time. Eating right and exercise are two of the most important things we can do to help our bodies and brains. They will thank you for it (in the form of happiness). Stay strong and have patience you will get through this!

I've been thinking about this all day, I want to get my running shoes back on. I smoked a lot of pot in early recovery (though last time I didnt stop until the 5 month mark) but decided to kick that habit again a few days ago, which naturally makes cardio much more pleasant. Gonna lace up and see how far I can run tonight, will post back!

your choice, but no drug is ever a problem, until it is

Adderall produced a boost in sex drive for me (while I was on it). I think this is common for men. So when you stop, predictable results ensue. Congrats on 3 months clean! It is a strange time, as you still are still dealing with recovery problems, yet you are clean enough to be able to look back clearly (with horror) at how much adderall has damaged your life. It's a tough time, but during my last stretch, it did start to get better (WAY BETTER) around 5 months. And I started to feel like a superhero in comparison. Send me a PM if you want to talk about the sexual dysfunction issue, and I can share some awkward details which hopefully will lend some insight.

im drinking some right now. but yeah that diet coke habit sounds awful, not just for the caffeine, but all the other things that are in pop (especially zero calorie diet pop) you'll probably sleep so much better once you adapt to not having it anymore (at least as much)

awesome guys, nice to put a real face to the personality

lol is this how far we have fallen

that's great about being sober for 8 months. a great accomplishment. the xanax doesn't sound like a great idea though. explore other solutions!

yeah doesn't seem like much substance anymore

I totally know what you mean here.

30 days confirmed.... well kinda. Today is technically day 30 but my ticker says its been one month (february is gonna be february) so screw it I'll jump the gun a bit early. Have been so distracted by new passion that I have hardly thought of adderall. Pair that with the fact that I've got no access even if I wanted, and I really feel set up for success. I regret my relapse greatly but I hope that a year down the road I can look back and remember the lesson that it taught me: it doesn't matter how long I'm clean for. I will always be viciously addicted to amphetamines. One is too many, 1000 is not enough. Thanks again everyone for your continued understanding and support. Took me about 4 months to bounce back from the relapse, but I'm finally back on track!

got a track, with me singing this time haha, if anyone wants it its in MP3 so just PM me an email address to send it to ill never be great but its fun as hell and a huge distraction from even thinking about adderall

I've been there many times. Only once I flushed pills and even then I still went back to them one more time. The last time I used them I used em till they were gone and never was able to flush. Remember to do more than pray. Take concrete steps to prevent this from repeating itself. Your future you will thank you for it!

such excited

Yes LILTEX we don't say it often enough. You are the best!

Yes it is normal when they are on it and when they are coming off of it. I wish there was something to say to help your situation but all I can do is confirm that what you are describing is indeed normal behaviour for a user. I wish I knew how to help. :< Please don't be sorry and post more if you have any questions!

Hey.. listen. Speed (yes that's what it is) is powerful as FUCK. We all totally understand what happened. I am the KING of relapsing and have pulled the dumbest stunts ever and people here are still supporting me. It's cause they know how it works and they understand. Same for you. Step 1) Forgive yourself. Seriously just take it easy. It's an addiction. None of us understood addiction (but of course we all thought we were too smart for that right?) before we got hooked. But now it's here and we're addicted. So don't blame yourself. It's out of your control. Step 2) Acknowledge that last fact. It is out of your control. So does that mean we're all doomed? No! It means we need to reach out for help. The people on this site are great for emotional support but none of us can do the one critical thing that is most important. We can't stop you from taking a pill when the cravings hit. And FUCK do they ever hit strong. Step 3) The only logical conclusion is that you have to involve other people somehow. Prescription? Tell your doctor that you are addicted and you want to quit. Tell him/her that your life is hundreds of times better without it, but because of the addiction you can't stop. Tell your doctor that exactly. They are obligated to cut you off. It's that easy. But it's hard as hell because it's so scary. "Wait, what about later when I'm not addicted anymore and if I want some... then i'll be cut off!" *ALARM SOUND* wrong question. You will always be addicted. Once addicted always addicted. You'll never be able to control it like you did when you first started. Trust me I've tried after being 10 months clean. Dealer? If he's your friend, tell him it's destroying you. If it's not your friend and you don't trust them not to take advantage of you, then tell them you got busted by the cops with posession and you think they are monitoring your phone, they'll be too scared to sell you any more. If that doesnt' work, threaten to rat them out to the cops (OK maybe don't do this if they are street dealers because those people can be scary). I don't know there has to be a way. But I'll bet it's a doctor anyway since that's how most people get their prescription. The moral is, you have to plan ahead for when the cravings hit, because when they do come (and they always do). YOU won't be in the driver's seat by that time. You'll just be a passenger watching your addict take over your actions and thoughts. Please don't be angry with yourself. Just learn from this and plan ahead for next time. We WILL get through this together!