Doge

your choice. i find caffeine in moderate doses to make me really happy. but it only works once per day. first cup of coffee in the morning - makes my world amazing for a while second cup in the afternoon - keeps me functioning for the rest of the afternoon third cup of coffee in the evening - big mistake, just makes me feel like crap and i wont get a good nights sleep glad you are feeling better and not feeling depressed anymore. for what its worth i've noticed a huge improvement in my own mood since after 8 months. adderall barely crosses my mind every few days but I've forgotten what it feels like to dwell on it. "too many things to do tomorrow" is my immediate next thought. (i don't even associate adderall with productivity anymore, it was just a stress relief to indulge in abusively) hope that is a bit encouraging at least. keep your head up

thats why i love this comic, lol

around the 4-5 month mark was probably when I truly forgot what it was like to be on adderall. you may be doing the same thing when you look back on it so fondly.

and i thought giving babies benadryl was bad....

welcome back. nice to meet you!

does this make you feel better? a little? maybe?

only you know yourself. i just know that i relapsed over a dozen times after staying clean for 2-3 months because I (as in my inner addict version of me) simply convinced myself things werent that bad. Since I hadn't told my dealer why I stopped he just gave me more. im just lucky my dealer was a friend who cared about my well-being. once I finally broke down and told him what was going on (about me binging for days straight) finally, he was like, "wow holy shit. yeah i'm not giving you any more ever" some scumbag would have just tripled the price and continued to supply me once he realized I was addicted

Im so happy to hear you told your doctor the truth. So many people refuse to do this and it hurts their chances of true recovery because they can just go back to the pills later when they change their mind. And yeah, we addicts are amazing actors.

When you were still using, during the weeks that followed your binges, did you socialize less? I'm betting you experienced the same thing then but just didn't notice as much since you were looking forward to your pills, and those thoughts dominated your mind against little insecurities like this. I may be projecting, but this is how I feel about myself looking back now. Your eloquence will return. Your brain just has to heal. You will be better than ever in time I promise!

It's haunting how similar our stories, yet they take place in different settings with difference ... characters? The perceived climb to greatness and the inevitable fall to despair is such a common thread in all of our stories.

Congrats!!!! YOU ROCK!!!! Treat yourself to something, you deserve it! Personally I started to really notice relief and happiness around the 5 month mark.

So happy for you. Quitting saved my life as well. Post lots over the next few months!

good luck!!!!!! you can do it! are you defending your thesis?

all of that sounds normal. Keep up the good work you are doing amazing!

how are you feeling lately cat? It's been a week or so since you finally shrugged off the last 2.5mg? or am I off... just throwing this out there, 5-HTP is amazing for making yourself feel better (helps you produce more seratonin and melatonin) and you can easily start and stop taking it at any time. I've had a wonderfully positive experience with it on my crappy days, then when I am having a good day naturally I just forget about it and it sits there for weeks. I don't think it's habit forming at all - that being said I'm pretty new to it.

very insightful, this is what I did to my friends and family so I shudder to thing what would have happened if someone were truly dependent on me for emotional support during that time

yep

i quit alone. only people i saw were coworkers at work (who mostly left me alone due to the nature of my job) and a friend i randomly went to a pub brodate with every couple weeks sometimes it would have been nice to have significatn other around for support, but who knows if the relationship could have survived this quit, and dealing with a breakup could likely force a relapse idk what is better honestly

you will surpass it tenfold. you were not as great on adderall as you thought you were

beautifully written

for me riding the train home on a friday (remembering the past where I'd be looking forward to a weekend binge) was a deadly trigger for me

I ran out early every month, then went through the crash/withdrawal. One of the troubling parts about this process is the way the crash made me feel like I was becoming not-addicted anymore, when in reality the crash itself was part of the addictive ritual that I was creating and strengthening each time I followed the pattern. Then what's to stop you from changing your mind when you get tempted later and forget how bad it really was? There is NOTHING to be ashamed of in admitting the abuse. The doctor will understand and not judge you. And if he judges you, fuck him! It's not worth delaying your recovery over.

Also, it's important to recognize whether or not moderation is an option. I had many relapses into adderall convincing myself it would be OK as long as I kept it in "moderation", each time spiraling back into psychotic chaos. Sometimes I think I'm the same way with alcohol. I can't have one beer. I have to have 3 or more, no matter what my intention was at the start of the night.