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LILTEX: Thanks so much! I deeply missed the support from this site and am no longer going to take it for granted. I think loneliness is one of adderalls greatest weapons and this group can be a shield to help with that. Quit-Once: Sorry for deleting it while you were midway through responding. I was still taking the very slow train out of crazy town. The paranoid episodes are something I had truly forgotten about when I made the choice to start up again. I've made some plans for coping strategies to pre-emptively deal with the triggers. I've also changed my mind about what caused this whole thing, both the addiction and all the relapses. The early cravings are going to be the real challenge (like the ones about 3-4 weeks away). I have to confess my plan for dealing with those relies a lot on trusting myself to be pre-emptive and vigilant. I'll type more about this. But right now, I shit you not it took me almost an hour to write this post so yeah...

EDIT: As much as I thought this was profoundly important to write this afternoon. After a solid half sleep I am reminded that I really don't want my hysterical ramblings on this site, as good intentioned as they were. Short and sweet of it is I flushed stash and it felt great. Thanks to all of you for being here. I'm getting my shit together now.

Thanks so much for sharing this Cassie!

The first 3 days or so escapism is your best friend. I prescribe 72 hours of TV/Movies/Sleep/Snacks/Blankets/Pillows/Couch/Bed. After that take it one day at a time and only do what you can handle. Take it from me, nothing is worth a relapse!

Congrats flow3! You are doing great!

Sorry about your husband's diagnosis. That is good that it is at least treatable. Glad to hear that it sounds like you are coping very well. Your family is lucky to have you.

Yes you are going to kick the shit out of it!

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate the understanding. I will do better.

well said!

You bet!

Thanks I appreciate it very much.

I never would have dreamt I could find myself in this position again. About a week ago I slipped up. I worked on my friend relentlessly for a couple of weeks until he caved and he gave me some of his script. I didn't post for the last few days because I couldn't even face this site because of the guilt. But I have to tell you guys the truth as you all are the only ones I'm accountable to. I am really disappointed in myself but there is nothing to be done except get back on the wagon immediately. This is a major set back, as I have just fed the cravings a renewed sense of strength. I will have to face them all over again. It doesn't mean that everything I have worked on for the last 10 months is completely gone, but I am going to have to work harder now in order to keep it. The fact that it really is a slap in the face to all of you who encouraged me so much over in 2015 is not lost on me. I will make it up to you by not letting this drag me back into insanity. Time to start the ticker over and smarten the fuck up. I was such a God damned fool. I'm really, really, really sorry guys.

That's so awesome that you flushed them. That shows extreme commitment.

I'm really glad you are not going to take adderall while pregnant. Honestly from what I hear there are so many positive precious emotions that go along with being pregnant that really help you bond with your child. You wouldn't want to miss out on those. PLEASE don't worry about weight gain right now. It's secondary to all the other important things right now; first and foremost the health of you and your child.

I feel like we all experience a relative rock bottom. But it's up to us to decide how low we are willing to let the addiction take us. One person's rock bottom will be different than another person's, but we all experience a "lowest point" of some sort that makes us turn around.

If you've binged before, I believe it's just a matter of time before your usage style returns to that method.

i used to have panic attacks like that but smoking marijuana by myself was usually the cause, paired together with social anxiety I don't think I ever did from adderall or directly from adderall withdrawal. that might be a health issue to check into. i agree with the posts above stress is the first thing I'd be suspicious of

You will experience the exact same thing with any adderall alternative. Good diet, exercise, and proper sleep routine is the best for you in the long game. Anything else is a quick fix that will end in sadness or much, much worse.

I quit on a weekend and went back to work on day 3 of recovery. I still had withdrawal sweats when I started my day but at least I had a couple nights worth of sleep under my belt. One of my coworkers decided to butt in and correct me on some irrelevant detail that did not detract from the purpose or point of my work at all (he was just being a smartass). I flipped him the middle finger and told him to go fuck himself. The two other people in the room had their jaws hanging open and just stared at me in silence. Not proud of my behaviour here. I like to think that if an actual authority figure would have been around I would have had a bit more restraint. Detox is a bitch. But you will get through it and come out stronger for it I promise!

yeah i found that not long after quitting video games just faded out of my life. definitely not a bad thing at all

And about the support system I mean your doctor. Tell them you're addicted and the pills are destroying you. If your doctor is worth anything as a professional at all, they will instantly cut you off. Otherwise they are a drug dealer/pusher. I understand the reluctance to this. It's like when you hear stories about people who are continually physically abusive with their spouse who for some reason just never calls the cops on them. To everyone else the solution is obvious just call the cops put that fucker in jail and get the hell out of there. But they are so afraid of life without that person that they continually accept the abuse and do nothing. That's what adderall did and does to us every time we take it. Basically you have to be at such a painful place where your consciousness says "fuck this" and you feel the conviction to just do it. And when that moment hits don't hesitate for a second and call your doctor, tell them over the phone if you have to. Don't delay because the moment can fade. It's so hard, I know, and it has to be the right time for you. But it is your silver bullet against the adderall werewolf.

The way you've described it, it sounds impossible that they are real voices. EVEN if people were talking about you like that, you'd never be able to hear them. They'd be whispering it silently. For people to constantly be saying this about you, I would assume you'd have to look like this which I sincerely doubt you do (sorry trying to lighten the tone with some humour). Anyways the point is that you KNOW you need to stop this madness. Don't let it take anymore away from you. You can get rid of the pills and prove everyone wrong once you get back on your feet. But you have to do it first and foremost for yourself. Fuck everyone else and their pressure. Life is too short to be giving your precious time to the demon of adderall.

you rock man. the energy, confidence, and focus will come back in time. just keep putting one foot in front of the other!

It cannot be said any better than it already has. Take it from someone who beat this for 5 years. LILTEX has won the battle. List #3 is the first to be ignored when my brain starts racing trying to give myself permission to relapse. Please tell someone. It won't be the disaster you think it will be. Once adderall has the hook in your brain it's virtual impossible to quit without making sure you remove the option to go back to it. Willpower alone works for a couple months only, I have found in the past.

very happy for you. you are doing great