Quitting Adderall Journal: Starting Tomorrow

[DareP]

Hey Guys,

I've been taking Adderall for about 6 months now. I started because I couldn't concentrate and get my work done. A friend gave me a pill to try, which boosted my productivity immensely. I found a psychiatrist and got a prescription.

I'm quitting Adderall as of tomorrow.

Why I'm Quitting Adderall

I've been learning to love myself. After reading "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It" I've had the most incredible experiences of self-love and enjoying life.

But the downside is, I find that every time I take adderall it completely snaps me out of it. It takes me out of my body and into my head, which runs at a mile a minute and feels like it's buzzing. I feel emotionally shut off and unable to access happiness, love or enjoyment.

Previously, that wasn't a big deal, because honestly I wasn't enjoying life that much anyway. But now being unable to feel actually feels very painful.

Of course, on top of that, there's the whole wanting to feel self-efficacy and confidence thing. Plus, I want to see how high I can go naturally. Adderall is definitely a detriment to that. Basically, I want to feel attractive, powerful, happy and loving instead of dependent and numb.

My Main Challenge ...

My main challenge is that I started taking Adderall for a reason. I couldn't get my work done. Now that I've decided to quit Adderall, I need to not only overcome the mental / chemical addiction, but also address the issues that had me not get things done in the first place.

Fortunately, I've only been using Adderall for 5-6 months, so I think the chemical addiction isn't nearly as strong as what a lot of people here have to go through. Mentally, I don't know if I'm "addicted" per se; I just know it's gonna be hard to get things done.

My Strategy

1) Focus on starting instead of finishing. Instead of saying "I need to finish this 40 page paper," I'm going to say "I'm going to start a 7 minute block of work time." Make tasks seem smaller and more manageable in my mind.

I'm going to slowly increase the amount of time I spend in each block of work time. Think of it like the Pomodoro Technique, but on a much smaller scale. The idea is to systematically train my brain to be able to concentrate on one task for a pre-set amount of time. I'm going to start it small, at 5-7 minutes, then gradually increase it until I can get an uninterrupted block of 25 minutes done at a time.

2) CELEBRATE each success. Success defined as the completion of one block of work time. The idea is to condition my brain to look forward to that celebration of success, instead of feeling dread for having to do a huge block of work.

In short, make blocks of work smaller and more manageable and CELEBRATE each success.

3) Take breaks during the day to play music and say "I love myself" to myself. Access self-compassion.

4) Exercise during the day. Jog around the block. Pushups in the office. Get the blood flowing.

5) Eat well. Eat Paleo. Eat organic greens, organic chicken. Start the day with a health superfoods shake, including Spirulina, Cacao, organic fruits and organic greens.

6) Be committed to play time and regeneration. Rejuvenate and recharge.

Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of not getting things done. I can't really take 2 weeks to "ease in" nor can I really afford poor performance. Basically I need to be able to maintain about 80% of my Adderall productivity, without Adderall.

My Theory on Why I Needed Adderall in the First Place

A lot of my work feels like rote work. Work that I hate doing. Here's what I believe happened:

1) I feel dread or anxiety about doing the work

2) I tell myself "I have to do it." I take on an authoritarian voice with myself, subtly.

3) The rebel "part of myself" feels subtly angry. The feeling of not wanting to do the work increases.

4) Over time, the feeling of not wanting to do the work, the pain of doing something I don't like, the dread, etc all adds up to one big paralyzing sensation.

Here's how I want to overcome it:

1) Have a deep sense of self-love and love of life.

2) Reward myself for small accomplishments and train my mind to view my work as many small chunks with rewards at the end.

3) Rewire my brain to experience joy and reward in work.

4) Notice when I'm saying "I have to" or "I should" and replace those statements with "I love myself, so I choose to do X because of Y" (E.g. "I love myself, so I choose to spend the next 7 minutes writing this article because doing so will give me the free time I need to change my career.")

Also really recommend "The Now Habit" which breaks down a lot of these authoritarian - rebel self-talk complexes in detail.

So, that's my thoughts and that's how I plan to quit. My intention is to post in this thread regularly. To update on what I find challenging or how the whole process goes.

I love that there's this support community. Thank you guys.

- D

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

This is very self-aware and articulate. Are you a psychologist or counsellor?

Your plan sounds great. Sounds like you just need to give yourself a big hug, mentally and psychologically (and spiritually if you believe in that kind of thing).

The only little ringing bell in the back of my mind, is that you might need to take time to forgive yourself. You sound driven and purposeful, which is like a lot of us on here (we wouldn't have taken adderall if we didn't want to be super-human, right?); and you will be again, but it's going to take time to feel back to baseline again. For the first few weeks, I'd just add a little bullet point under your plan which is to rest, sleep, allow your brain to get back to baseline. You are chemically dependent on adderall and your brain chemistry has adapted to receiving a tremendous dose of dopamine, every day. It's not you, it's your brain chemistry. If you just accept that for a while it might make it a bit easier.

All the best and welcome to the forums!

[lea]

Sounds like a plan!

I also agree with M_F_A about the dopamine -- keep in mind that dopamine deficiency will be -- depressing at times -- but not all the time -- and this too shall pass. Superfoods help immensely! Those green smoothies in the morning really do give you energy! Investing in the vitamix has helped me greatly.

I can't wait to check out the books you mentioned. Your attitude sounds great! Don't get bogged down by depression and you will be fine. Welcome!!

[DareP]

This is very self-aware and articulate. Are you a psychologist or counsellor?

Nah, just someone who's done a lot of personal development workshops, read a lot of books and done a lot of meditation =)

The only little ringing bell in the back of my mind, is that you might need to take time to forgive yourself. You sound driven and purposeful, which is like a lot of us on here (we wouldn't have taken adderall if we didn't want to be super-human, right?); and you will be again, but it's going to take time to feel back to baseline again. For the first few weeks, I'd just add a little bullet point under your plan which is to rest, sleep, allow your brain to get back to baseline. You are chemically dependent on adderall and your brain chemistry has adapted to receiving a tremendous dose of dopamine, every day. It's not you, it's your brain chemistry. If you just accept that for a while it might make it a bit easier.

Thank you so much for that! My brain feels foggy and woozy today. I'm functional, but definitely feel a bit like I'm under water or floating in a cloud or something. Reminding myself that I'm experiencing a dopamine deficiency and taking the pressure off my shoulders really helps. Thanks =)

Your attitude sounds great! Don't get bogged down by depression and you will be fine. Welcome!!

Thank you! I'm not too worried about depression as I'm pretty happy in general; mostly I'm worried about getting things done. Superfoods yay! Thank you =)

[LILTEX41]

You're going to do FANTASTIC with a plan like that!!

[ldmcniel]

Wow! You have a much better plan than I ever did. How is it going? I think days 2-4 were the worst for me.

[DareP]

The first two days were an absolute nightmare. Low energy, my head felt like I was hung over and "squeezed" after about half the day. I got through it though.

The last few days were totally fine. Got my work done, energy felt more or less pretty good.

Today has been an absolute nightmare. I got thrown off by chocolate. Someone brought a big bag of chocolate into the office last night. I had one, then another, then ended up having like 10. Then I couldn't sleep at night until like 3:30am. Now I'm operating on 6 hours of sleep. My diet is completely thrown off and I'm eating crappy food and having a really hard time concentrating.

It seems like when I'm on a "good run," with healthy diet and momentum, it's easy to keep up. But if I fall off that wagon, it suddenly becomes really really difficult. Really tempting to take a pill, but I won't.

Five minutes at a time. That's what I'm telling myself. I can get five minutes of work done. I can get five minutes of work done.

... ... ... I really hope it gets easier though.

[lea]

It will get easier! Give yourself a break. Chocolate definitely serves a purpose in life every now and then. :D

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

You're "5 mins at a time" plan is fantastic. And congrats for not wallowing when you ate the chocolate. Forgiveness is the first step to recovery. Stay strong!!

[Greg]

The first two days were an absolute nightmare. Low energy, my head felt like I was hung over and "squeezed" after about half the day. I got through it though.

The last few days were totally fine. Got my work done, energy felt more or less pretty good.

Today has been an absolute nightmare. I got thrown off by chocolate. Someone brought a big bag of chocolate into the office last night. I had one, then another, then ended up having like 10. Then I couldn't sleep at night until like 3:30am. Now I'm operating on 6 hours of sleep. My diet is completely thrown off and I'm eating crappy food and having a really hard time concentrating.

It seems like when I'm on a "good run," with healthy diet and momentum, it's easy to keep up. But if I fall off that wagon, it suddenly becomes really really difficult. Really tempting to take a pill, but I won't.

Five minutes at a time. That's what I'm telling myself. I can get five minutes of work done. I can get five minutes of work done.

... ... ... I really hope it gets easier though.

chocolate is totally cool. I ate lot of junk too. just dont use and think of this as time to rebuild yourself.

[Greg]

And also you are beginning to take control of your addiction instead of the other way around.

[ashley6]

I ate everything in sight when first quitting. If I would've felt guilty for that, I would've had a hard time. 5 minutes at a time is awesome. It was too much to think of a month or a week or a couple days for that matter...for me anyway. Hang in there!

[Greg]

Me too. I remember eating everything, I remember like eating a whole apple pie in one sitting. When I was in rehab for Ritalin I was eating so much people thought it was hilarious. Like I'd ask for two entrees instead of one, and I'd ask people if they weren't going to finish if I could have it. Quitting adderall will make you hungry but Any weight you gain, you can always lose later.

[ashley6]

Inrecovery,

I don't think I knew you went to rehab. How did I miss that?

[Greg]

Lol...you never knew that???

[Greg]

I was in rehab..with an alcoholic who was shaking so badly...with a cocaine addict,..a heroin addict...and other addicts..I remember they put also all in a room and forced us to watch a movie and we were all so miserable and wanted to get out of there and so finally after 10 minutes he turned it off.

I also remember I could not stay awake during the day and we had these rehab classes we had to go to and I was allowed to leave in order to go back to sleep. We were all on some crazy regimen of pills. i cant remember what they prescribed me but we would wait in line and they would just hand us a bunch of pills and a cup of water.. They fed us really well I think because everyone there was so miserable the least they could do was let us eat good food. Food was great.

I was also in this outpatient recovery place and we had addiction recovery classes every day and we prepared our own lunches, washed dishes and then in the afternoon we would have more counseling classes on like self esteem and mental health. Then I would hit NA meetings in the evening.

[ashley6]

So, that was from Ritalin? You took adderall after rehab? Thanks for sharing. So weird I missed that part or maybe I just forgot?

And I'm curious. Was the person recovering cocaine at all similar to you recovering from Ritalin?

[Greg]

Yeah that was for Ritalin. Adderall came after all that.

[Greg]

I think i was the most tired of everyone. The one that looked the worst was the alcoholic who was covered in a blanket and shaking really bad all the time.

Regarding the cocaine addict...She had gotten addicted to heroin first, and then to quit heroin she switched to cocaine. I remember being hungrier and more tired than anyone there...I don't remember her being similar to mine. I just remember people found it so funny how hungry I was.

It's great that this forum is so specific to prescription amphetamines because sometimes it seems like our fight is so different than street drug addicts. There are a lot of similarities but a lot of differences. Especially the whole notion of taking these pills because we think it makes us productive. You don't hear heroin addicts talking about how they started taking heroin to be successful. That notion is something I couldn't quite connect with the people in NA. what I could connect with them was the desire to use despite not wanting to use.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I also remember I could not stay awake during the day and we had these rehab classes we had to go to and I was allowed to leave in order to go back to sleep. We were all on some crazy regimen of pills. i cant remember what they prescribed me but we would wait in line and they would just hand us a bunch of pills and a cup of water.. They fed us really well I think because everyone there was so miserable the least they could do was let us eat good food. Food was great.

That's exactly what it was like for me in the pscyh ward. I looked at the Rx details later and they had me on like 3x the amount of klonopin I'd ever taken and twice the amount of wellbutrin, of course the brand name. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. It was like something out of One Flew Over the Cookoo's Next... all the clocks in the patients' rooms told the wrong time, but only by like 7 - 20 mins, so you'd show up just late or just early to mealtime or medication time or blood pressure time. Honestly there was nothing remotely supportive about it. There was a guy in there who was super smart, had published 2 novels but was beyond depressed and he was just a zombie with all the drugs they had him on. Honestly he was just there to stay alive... you could tell he didn't want to be alive.

I was such an "easy" case compared to all the others in there. All I did was nap, and read, and was quiet in group therapy in case I said anything that would be used against me later. It did feel very much something out of "Crime and Punish", very Victorian.

Not sure what I'm rambling on about except that the whole fog of withdrawal and the fog of depression and anxiety that accompanies withdrawal are inseparable, so of course you feel like you're going crazy. I am so glad I will never have to live that again. And QO, that you went through this numerous times to an even more exaggerated degree makes me so filled with respect for you that you are where you are now. Truly, what a journey you've come through.

[DareP]

Hey Guys,

Just wanted to give an update. Sorry =/ I didn't stick with it this time. I didn't realize how far and how fast my productivity would drop. Even with all the systems I had in place, I just couldn't get all the work I needed to do done. After six days, I was just staring at my computer for 5 hours and it just seemed like I could either get my work done by taking adderall or risk my livelihood by not. So I went back on it.

I'm still going to quit, but I'm going to wait until I have two weeks where I don't have to do much work. Right now, my business needs my productivity too much and I'm not willing to sacrifice my finances for my health at the moment. I'd say I'll take another shot at it in the next 6 months.

Sorry to disappoint you guys =/

- D

[Krax]

I know it's tough. I think though a lot of times people seem to believe that diet, exercise and cognitive thinking techniques or whatever can substitute for amphetamine. It can't, not even close. Not only are you operating on less energy and enthusiasm then you were at times with adderall, but you're doing it below the sober baseline in the first place. You have to accept that you will feel lacking in energy and focus for a long time, and that you will never have anything close to the feeling you have on amphetamine ever again without another drug like it. With that being said, Wellbutrin helped me get through withdraws - but it didn't make me as or near as productive, it just kept me awake more.

[Krax]

Another thing I was thinking about with regard to this post is that I see a lot of people outlining plans of action for quitting add and while that may very well work in many cases (my quitting was a spur of the moment flushing cold turkey, though I had pondered it for quite awhile) it seems to me an attempt (understandably) to control your experience, which for me was a major incentive to taking and continuing to take ritalin for a long time, instead of experiencing without trying to control, and the thing is when you are still on the drug or freshly off of it, you really cannot predict - no matter how many posts you read - exactly how yo are going to feel for periods of time after you quit, you just can't, and I think you just have to forge down that road and deal with what your experiences have to offer.

[Krax]

Last thing I thought of that I wanted to say is that it seems that a lot of the plans of action are aimed at somehow trying to avoid the desire for add - but that is never going to happen. Sure there was a brief period, maybe at 3 weeks or so, where I actually believed I would never desire ritalin again -but that was short lived. Like an alcoholic, I don't think the desire ever vanishes completely - I think it likely returns and can suck us in if the opportunity presents itself at the wrong time. I think the goal should be learning to live with that on/off desire but not giving in to the temptation. No concoction of vitamins, self talk therapy or exercise regime is going to make you not ever want amphetamine again. I think exercise and eating well, sure, they can help you be less grouchy or tired, and that may strengthen your resistance, but I think it's fantasy to think you will rid yourself of the addiction itself.

[quit-once]

DareP:

I just read through your original post in order to spot your vulnerabilities and causes for relapse. I spoted a few of them. I don't believe your addiction has ran its course. Things really haven't gotten that bad for you....yet. I would detail the red flags I saw, but I really don't think you will come back to read this for a while so I will save the ink. Just in case you do read this, I suggest you make a list of the reasons you couldn't seem to quit at this time. You are very rational and made a very convincing arguement to yourself why you should quit. You've only used adderall for six months and I don't think trhat is long enough for most people to see what an evil, awful drug it really is and how ugly the addiction can become over time.