Motivation_Follows_Action Posted May 28, 2013 Report Share Posted May 28, 2013 I've basically spent the whole weekend asleep. I don't know whether it's recovery related or just that I've been traveling a bunch but I was supposed to go away this weekend to the beach and just couldn't. I wanted to be in my bed. Most of the time. Anyway, all this sleeping meant doing a reasonable amount of dreaming I guess, and I had my first adderall dream. It wasn't that I was looking for it, or worried about when I was going to get my next dose; but it was more the hidden dread I would feel when I was most strongly addicted... just a fear of everything, everyone, mostly myself. In my dream I was at work, interracting with my [nasty, sociopathic] boss, and trying to tell him that something wasn't the way he thought it was. In my dream it was work-related, but now I write it down, the metaphor is pretty obvious. In my dream I was dizzy (which happened often during my later stages of addiction); and had a dry mouth, and I wanted to talk but no words came out. I was trying so hard to project an air of confidence and actually sensuality (!?) but I just was so paranoid that I was undermining myself with every glance, breath, etc. And of course I was obsessed with how I looked. Standing there like a model seemed to me in my dream to be every bit as important as the content of my conversation. I woke up sweaty and sad. Sometimes when I have a bad dream I will wake crying, or I will cry myself awake, and this was one of those dreams. Always in my life my worst dreams have involved some kind of brutal humiliation and disrespect by others and the way they perceived me. Adderall seemed to be a fuel to that fire for me. Once again, I am so glad to have all that behind me. I am learning to like myself again... including the extra 10lbs.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted May 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2013 Shoot! I just realized it's 6 months TODAY since I quit! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyle_Chaos Posted May 28, 2013 Report Share Posted May 28, 2013 Good job, I'm jealous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted May 28, 2013 Report Share Posted May 28, 2013 MFA, I thought the inevitable adderall dream would happen soon enough. Your interpretation of it was very interesting. I hope you woke up with a sense of relief after the sadness passed. Heck to the yes. 6 months!!! Very proud of you, my dear! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted May 28, 2013 Report Share Posted May 28, 2013 You did it!!...6 months...This should be you right now 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted May 28, 2013 Report Share Posted May 28, 2013 6 months is amazing MFA! That's halfway to one year! I like that your dream was intricate and thoughtful and brought out a lot of deeper aspects of the addiction. It sounds pretty dark and traumatic, but also very insightful into how far you've progressed in these 6 months!!! GO YOU! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted May 29, 2013 Report Share Posted May 29, 2013 Congrats on six months,MFA. I had a dream last week I have wanted to share: I was visiting with a friend whom I had never done adderall with. He just showed up and said he had some vivanse - did I want to buy a few? At first I said no, but I quickly reconsidered and bought ten pills from him. But these "pills" were the size of a large candy bar! And they had vivanse printed on them just like a hershey bar. ( REAL LIFE: I have never even heard ot vivanse outside of this web site, and I have never ever tried them either. Fuck, I don't even know how to spell it ) Anyway, I took a few bites of the "pill" and caught an uncomfortable speed buzz. I woke up in a cold sweat hyperventilating worried that I had fucked up my recovery and trying desperately to end the dream. Years ago I had an uncomfortable smoking dream when I tried to quit ciggs in which I was smoking a cigarette that was fucking huge - like three feet long!. I wonder what it is about these (ex) substances that their size is amplified in my dreams? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted May 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2013 You guys make me smile. Thanks for all the encouragement. And if in some small way I can be that to you as well then I will have gotten something surprising and intangible from this experience that I could never have imagined. To help someone in need is a bigger rush than speed could ever bring. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krax Posted May 29, 2013 Report Share Posted May 29, 2013 Congrats on six months,MFA. I had a dream last week I have wanted to share: I was visiting with a friend whom I had never done adderall with. He just showed up and said he had some vivanse - did I want to buy a few? At first I said no, but I quickly reconsidered and bought ten pills from him. But these "pills" were the size of a large candy bar! And they had vivanse printed on them just like a hershey bar. ( REAL LIFE: I have never even heard ot vivanse outside of this web site, and I have never ever tried them either. Fuck, I don't even know how to spell it ) Anyway, I took a few bites of the "pill" and caught an uncomfortable speed buzz. I woke up in a cold sweat hyperventilating worried that I had fucked up my recovery and trying desperately to end the dream. Years ago I had an uncomfortable smoking dream when I tried to quit ciggs in which I was smoking a cigarette that was fucking huge - like three feet long!. I wonder what it is about these (ex) substances that their size is amplified in my dreams? that was funny, I can see having a dream like that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted June 8, 2013 Report Share Posted June 8, 2013 I had another one of my relapse dreams. I was at a concert or something, and I was being really short and moody with my mom, and she wanted to take me to a rehab across the street. I just remember saying "I'm fine," but feeling like I wasn't fine at all. In almost every dream I am debating in my head if I really did relapse. I woke up feeling so relieved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted June 8, 2013 Report Share Posted June 8, 2013 That sounds like a great way to start your day because you woke up feeling GLAD it was only a dream. In other words the dream ended at the right time and it just re-enforced how good it feels to be done with that nightmare lifestyle of adderall addiction! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted June 8, 2013 Report Share Posted June 8, 2013 Yes, quit-once. To add to it, I was just pumping gas, and my previous adderall dealer passes right in front of my car. I think these are reminders to stay strong. This life is much better. Ok, this ended up being one of the worst days I've had in a long time. I can't really explain it. I just feel shitty emotionally. Do any of you with over a year under your belt have these once in awhile? I'm going on vacation for a week on the beach in the morning. Looking forward to it, but I want this to pass. It will I'm sure. Just looking for a little advice. I know this is life, but this seems more paws-ish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted June 15, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2013 Yes, quit-once. To add to it, I was just pumping gas, and my previous adderall dealer passes right in front of my car. I think these are reminders to stay strong. This life is much better. Ok, this ended up being one of the worst days I've had in a long time. I can't really explain it. I just feel shitty emotionally. Do any of you with over a year under your belt have these once in awhile? I'm going on vacation for a week on the beach in the morning. Looking forward to it, but I want this to pass. It will I'm sure. Just looking for a little advice. I know this is life, but this seems more paws-ish. I'm sorry I missed this post, Ashley. I hope you're feeling better and I am hoping you're enjoying the beach! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted June 17, 2013 Report Share Posted June 17, 2013 I'm sorry I missed this post, Ashley. I hope you're feeling better and I am hoping you're enjoying the beach! Thanks, I am feeling better! It was just a couple day thing. The beach was great with lots of family. How are you doing?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted June 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2013 The beach is a great healer. I am ok. Just exhausted. Lots. Hard to get a good rhythm going when traveling so much. Have been trying to get to the gym but it is hard when working 14 hours a day. Still feeling pretty crappy in general, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted June 25, 2013 Report Share Posted June 25, 2013 MFA, Are you feeling any better? I realized I never responded to this post...been thinking about you. Let us know how you're doing! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted June 28, 2013 Report Share Posted June 28, 2013 Well I don't want to start another thread, but had another adderall dream I need to get off my chest. In my dream I was with a close friend (I've never met in real life) who was offering me adderall and really laying on the pressure to take it. For some reason, this time it was brown. I was feeling ambivalent about it and eventually split the pill with this anonymous "friend." My half was 15 mg IR. I split that in half too. I actually swallowed it. I remember being scared about relapsing, and in my dream I was waiting and waiting for the effects to kick in. I was waiting for that euphoria. It never showed up and i woke up. And the worst part is this: I woke up disappointed that it was only a dream. I knew it was a bad thing, but I couldn't shake the disappointment that I didn't actually have any to take. As the day passed I shook it off but I'm pretty disturbed by that reaction. It might be related to stresses in my life, but.....it's been 6 months now. How long does it take before these dreams stop? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted June 28, 2013 Report Share Posted June 28, 2013 Sorry to hear about your dream. That's what can be disturbing about them, because it might not always be a relief when you wake up. At least you're being honest about it, and those dreams will definitely shake you up. There's a reason we got hooked on adderall and loved it in a sick way....whether it be the euphoria, liking to clean, feeling amped up, etc, so the goal, in my opinion, is to constantly stay reminded of everything we lost while using it. I still have dreams a year and 2 months sober, but they usually affect me less now and are less frequent. Proud of you for 6 months! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted June 30, 2013 Report Share Posted June 30, 2013 Thanks Ashley!! I'm proud of you too for a year and 2 months!! I like what you said about always reminding ourselves of what we lost. That way we don't glamourize it. When I have random memories of my adderall days, most of them are not pleasant.... and those that are, are fake anyways. I think part of the reason I had that dream was because I was wanting the emotionally numbing qualities of adderall. Been going through a lot of emotional life stuff and adderall used to be a shortcut to dull my emotions, an instant fake pick-me-up. I guess like you said it's good to remember the reasons it was appealing, and the soul-numbing part became part of its appeal. What was lost was the ability to actually deal with things like a human being. Recovery also means re-learning how to navigate all those messy human emotions and actually process things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Posted July 29, 2013 Report Share Posted July 29, 2013 I had adderall dreams like crazy during the first few weeks of quitting but haven't had one since then until last night. In the dream a friend was offering me some adderall or another drug that was like "adderall lite." I decided to try the adderall lite and really liked it. In the dream I was justifying it to myself that I could get a prescription for the lite stuff and it would be totally fine because it wasn't actually adderall. But I also remember feeling really terrified that I was getting myself into another addiction that would be just as ruinous, and that by trying the lite stuff I'd destroyed all the progress I've made in the past 7 months. Anyway, woke up feeling relieved to still be free and clear of anything resembling adderall! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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