having a hard time

[jredbull]

Well I am a recovering opiate addict and have been clean for 2 years I have abstained from everything mind altering, besides this last 2 months I was offered some addies from a guy at work and ended up taking them. I used to be prescribed them but never really took them.

Now I feel so screwed because I keep saying I'm going to quit tomorrow, which I've been saying everyday for the last month, with my track record and any kind of drugs I knew better I let my myself slip, and now I feel so screwed mentally I dont even like taking the addies but I keep taking them, they make me feel antisocial, like I'm dissociated with myself I stopped working out. I just feel like hell, and have already gone through a very intensive 9 month inpatient program I knew not to touch anything but I did and hear I am, screwed in my head again.

I haven't told anybody, I had to tell someone and I ended up finding this website. The horrible thing is I'm back to my old ways lying to people about doing good staying off everything, and I keep thinking about how I screwed up my recovery over this.

I went through hell and back getting myself, my sanity, my personal belongings in order over drugs. I had lost everything was living on the streets, before I got clean. Before I become an addict I had a job for 7 years at a hospital in medical billing I completed school to become an RN and was on the waiting list to start my clinicals. My company got outsourced we got laid off and I filed bankruptcy at 26, I soon became very depressed and started abusing prescription pain killers and muscle relaxers along with xanax, and around a year later I was into heroin.

I eventually got help after many attempts and relapses and did great for two years. Now I feel like I'm throwing everything away,because these adderall are really screwing up my mental state, I am already up to 120 mg a day either instant or xr, the last 5 days I been down to 40-60mg with one day of none which was yesterday but today I had the wonderful idea I would take some before work this morning, and kicked myself in the ass all day because I'm so pissed at myself.

I just want to stop, flat out and not return to any kind of mind altering substances I was so happy those 2 years, with absolutely nothing now that I took these addies I feel like a mental, emotional head case.

I don't mean to ramble and jump all over but I have been holding this in for two long months which have seemed like an eternity, if I can give anyone advice who is clean or who is trying to get clean. When you get clean whatever you do dont pick up, it is not worth anything. I know relapse happens but if you can give it everything you have to avoid it. I got to complacent with myself. Thanks for all of your time, and I enjoy reading everyone's stories.

[ashley6]

Jredbull,

Welcome to the forums. Wow, you have gone through a lot and congratulations on your sobriety from opiates. Unfortunately adderall has entered your life, but it doesn't have to be a complete fuck up of your recovery....if you quit. Since you've been through such intensive rehab, you know the drill on what you have to do. I'm not sure why adderall is so downplayed by the general public, because it is so addictive and can be very life-altering. It's good you feel like crap taking it, right? Can you cut off your access? Try not to dwell on your guilt, it isn't productive. What's your plan for quitting adderall? Thanks for sharing your story. Please keep us posted.

[jredbull]

Thanks Ashley, I appreciate your feed back. Yes it is good I feel like crap on it because it literally makes me feel so detached and like there are a million other things wrong in my life almost like I'm paranoid it makes me get stuck in my own head and thoughts.

I am going to make a call to a doctor I was seeing and just be honest with him, he knows I am an addict and still gave the to me, I know it's not all his fault because I knew what I was going to see him. I guess I was trying to justify him approving it, but in reality I was only lying to myself. I'm also going to tell the guy at work who I was getting them from I'm stopping the addies. With me I do everything to the max I think after 4 days of taking them I was up to 60-80 mg a day. When I do drugs I do them to the fullest, but really there doing me and kicking my ass.

I just have to remember I don't have any control over them. In my opinion I don't really care for AA and NA, but I have been to allot of meetings and I have met great people who have long term sobriety so I am going to reach out to them, because they understand what I am going through it's just getting over myself and telling on myself because if I can't be honest with myself, then I'll never talk to anyone.

I am also going to just stop cold turkey and get good rest, start working out again which I only recently stopped going to the gym, and I am going to make an appointment with a psychologist/addictionolgist who knows about addiction, which there are a few around my area.

Thanks for bringing up not dwelling on it because I really get stuck thinking about that and then I start letting myself get out of the present moment, which for me is no good. I think it's key to try and stay in the present moment, because forecasting the future and events that never happened, and getting caught up in the past feeling sorry for myself and having regrets do no good either.

Moving on and learning from this screw up is what I need to do, to understand what I felt before I decided to talk that little devil pill, is what I need to learn why I did that and what I was feeling because it can better prepare me in my journey of being sober and staying sober.

Thanks again and if anyone has any advice or suggestions I am open to anything, it's people like all of you who are vital to each other in recovery. We can all learn from each other and help each other.

[LILTEX41]

Jredbull,

If it's any consolation to you, I relapsed when I had 9 months sober. I didn't relapse on Adderall, but I got shit canned wasted for two weeks and high as a kite. It was a little terrifying as I couldn't believe what I had done. I had been off work for a month 9 months prior to my relapse. During that time I went to detox for a week followed by Outpatient treatment. I never in a million years thought I'd relapse.

During the relapse, I was a totally wreck because I didn't want to stop, but I didn't want to fuck up my life either. I woke up one day to my mom calling me saying, "Where have you been??" I lied to her about something or other and she caught me. I was so ashamed and felt like such a failure. My anxiety got so bad I actually contemplated getting Adderall at one point and that is when I knew that I had to stop. I had to do whatever it took to get my sobriety back and stay that way. I called an old AA friend. We went to lunch and then she took me to a dumpster and I smashed my bowl. It was pretty incredible. I've been clean ever since and I do not discount my days that I was sober prior to that relapse. That was in September 2011. I went on to complete Ironman Texas in May 2012.

So all I'm saying, is do not let this slip up deter you at all in your recovery. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and have got a great plan in place. I am so happy you shared with us. It takes such great strength to reach out for help again and that's exactly what you did. I have such great vibes that you're going to push forward now through leaps and bounds! It's just like they say, "Sometimes you gotta take one step back to take 2 steps forward." Or "Fall seven times, get up eight." - Japanese Proverb

Hope you will keep posting your journey with us! Hugs!