I am going through this nightmare alone....

[sagekat81]

I'm not gonna start by how I got started on this evil pill...I think all of us users know when, why and how we got to the breaking point where I am at now...

I am doing this alone, single Mom of 3 kids..living with my mother at the moment and she has no idea..no idea why I called off work today because I was vomiting, shaking and sweating in the bathroom all night. But I have to play this "cool" with everyone, pretend I'm so fucking normal...trying to be there for my kids but goddammit im so isolated from them as well. I cannot talk to my children, let alone my mother, my coworkers, my sister, shit even my best friend doesn't know what I am doing. U know what I am doing...I feel more at ease expressing my craziness to a bunch of other adderall/vyvanse/dextro..whatever your drug of choice was... addicts out there. I am a horrible parent. I was prescribed adderall for off label depression. I have been taking pills on and off since I was 10 yrs old for cutting myself at a young age. I liked inflicting pain on myself at the time...guess the doctors thought I was "abnormal" or something!My son had adhd..he started vyvanse. I took one with him that day and I was like "yefuckinghaww" and I never gave him the full amount he was supposed to take because, well, I did. I was eating my sons medication like it was candy or something. It made me great mommy, vyvanse during day, adderall in the evening...short breaks once in a while...to the point where I looked into my green eyes last week and I scared the shit out of myself. Who is that? I stopped taking stims 4 days ago..I cannot stop eating..maybe thats why I was vomiting so much during the night!! I can't stop crying on and off...I can't talk to my kids today. I slept and slept (which was nice cuz sleep hasn't been a priority in a long time to me) I am going back to my doctors tomorrow. She wants me to start wellbutrin?? I am diagonosed with geez..bipolar first, then depression, then adhd with anxiety disorder or something,, and the newest is borderline personality somethin?? I don't really care what my "diagnosis" is no one knows me but me, I just know I need fucking help..it's so hard doing this ALONE and pretending that everything is okay when it's not okay..this is not okay.. help.

[LILTEX41]

Sagekat,

You are on day 4 my dear!!! Give yourself a break! You are going through hell right now and this is the time you need to be gentle on yourself, kind, loving, compassionate. You are raising 3 kids all on your own and there is no way you are a horrible mom! You are doing the best you can with what you got. And especially given the circumstances, right now is going to suck, but if you can just SLOW down these thoughts and FOCUS on what is POSITIVE and GOOD (YOU ARE TRYING TO GET HELP AND RECOVER ) then things won't be as TERRIBLE. Remember, this is a PROCESS and it's going to take time, persistence, patience, and endurance. You CAN DO THIS. YOU CAN RECOVER. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but it will be WORTH IT.

Believe it or not, you've actually helped me feel better today just by your post. You are NOT alone. Do your best to try and REFRAME some of these thoughts so that they do not keep escalating down into this negative spiral of oblivion.

For example, this sucks, it's horrible and I have a thousand things wrong with me, BUT I've made it through life this far without giving up, I'm seeking treatment, I'm doing the best I can, and I am DETERMINED to get better. I DO have HOPE and a FUTURE because I am SEARCHING for help online and I WILL CONQUER ALL these things. I AM ON MY WAY TO A NEW BEGINNING AND A NEW CHAPTER IN LIFE. I WILL BEAT THIS NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.

HUGS

LOVE LIL TEX

[resetBrain]

Sagekat, your post grabs me because....Single mom? Check. Kid with ADHD diagnois? Check. Adderall "off label" for depression? Check. Have felt like a horrible parent? Check.

And yeah, this is hell. But you CAN do this.

As for diagnoses, I think you're on the right track with "no one knows but me." Stimulants can definitely make you present with bipolar-like symptoms. Up. Down. Uncontrollable crying. It's kind of like you have to step away from the Adderall and the Vyvanse for months to see what you're left with. And it can be really hard to find a doctor, psychiatrist, whatever, to even acknowledge that Adderall can contribute to and/or cause significant mood problems.

Do you really have to pretend that everything is okay? I mean yeah, you gotta do that for work. Yeah, you don't want to tell people you took your son's meds. But you had your own Adderall script, right? What about your best friend? Can you let him or her know what you're going through? I mean just don't make yourself be more 'alone' than you have to be.

[BeHereNow]

Hi Sagekat!

First of all, I totally feel you on these psychological "disorders." There is no "normal," so the concept of a disorder is based on a false idea of what it means to be "normal." It makes no sense! You are YOU and you are AMAZING! Like you said, only you know what it's like to be in your head. If those psychiatrists' labels aren't helpful to you getting better, then screw 'em!

Second... In an important sense, you aren't alone. A lot of people in our community here are going through the same things and can relate to what you're going through. This forum has helped me to know that I am NOT going through my recovery completely alone..... that there are people who understand and will be supportive and helpful. That's what we're here for.

Third.... and this is the harsh truth... there are some things that we can only do alone. There are things we can do with other people, and things that we can only do on our own. This doesn't mean isolating ourselves, it just means there are places where we can't bring anyone. We can be helped and supported, but there are some journeys that have to be solitary by nature. Facing certain fears, healing a broken heart, going in for a job interview, having surgery, building up the courage to ask someone out, speaking the truth, recovering from substances. This is YOUR recovery. You have plenty of support here, but you're the one going through your situation, and it's one of those things that does involve being alone some of the time. And actually, that's OK. It might turn out to give you some good quality healthy alone time.

In some ways, I think that knowing and accepting that there are some things we have to do alone can be comforting. It can help summon the courage to move forward.

But never forget how much support you have! People here will support your journey 100%! And maybe eventually you'll feel comfortable telling a trusted friend about what you're going through. I eventually did-- at first adderall was my dirty secret, now my close friends know that I've quit and I don't feel the need to isolate myself with it anymore. Because that's what adderall does-- it isolates us. Once you start reaching out to other people, the adderall starts losing its grip.

Anyway, congratulations on 4 days!!! Keep it up and keep moving forward because there is a better life ahead of you where you can truly enjoy your family and your life!!! <3