Is there anything you can do to help someone when they are in denial?

[Michelle1]

I recently shared my story. My husband and I are months away from finalizing our divorce. He was supposed to get off the pills last July. He tried and failed. He keeps moving the goal post. He has extremely erratic behavior. For example, our daughter woke up with the stomach flu on Easter morning and I offered to bring over oral Zofran prescribed to her from a pediatrician. He refused to give it to her, went to the hospital on his vacation day, put his scrubs on, badged in, stole an IV, Zofran, Lidocaine and administered an IV on our 3-year-old at home. The divorce is very contentious, as you can imagine, but yet just weeks ago gave me a $1,000 gift card to a spa for my birthday. He seemed like he was taking his pills for the last several weeks because he was very nice, normal, but I know it's always fleeting. For weeks telling me he wants to go to therapy, work it out, he loves me, attempting to kiss me, complimenting me incessantly. He tried for days to hang out and spend time together and go on a date (like a trial run, he said). Our marriage was the trial run...I never agreed to anything or spent time alone with him. I told him he needed to get off his pills for good, not for a few days or a week, but permanently and then we would evaluate in counseling. Quite frankly, I don't know that I could ever get past everything he has said and done and I certainly don't want to be with this version of him. I think our marriage is likely past saving, but I like to think if he ever got off his pills and was the person I once knew that maybe I could forgive him and we could find a way back for the sake of our two small children. I knew this would likely be fleeting and sure enough, he hadn't taken his pills and I called to wake him up at 10 am last week because he was sleeping through our daughter's preschool party (she was with him and missing it). He went beserk, telling me he was a fool for trying to make it work with me, even though the night before he was begging me to go on a date with him. It was not a big deal, yet everything is a deal breaker to him. I always say the punishment never fits the crime. 

I was able to have somewhat of a conversation with him about the pills last week. He admits he abused them, but claims only "once or twice." He has an answer for everything... When I mentioned him getting extra pills from friends, it was purely because his schedule was so busy and when he couldn't get in to see his doctor for a refill on time there would be a gap so he would just get extra from friends until his appointment. He told me "Adderall is not addictive. There are no withdrawal symptoms - you can only get withdrawal from alcohol, benzos, or opiods." Yet, he was oddly using a tapering system last July and told me he couldn't get off cold turkey. He said, "I have never had withdrawal symptoms, it's out of your system so fast." He says it's only 1% of people that have aggression/hostility on Adderall and it would've happened when he first started taking them, not many years down the road. He says he's always been a binge drinker, but he's not an alcoholic. I never ever witnessed binge drinking or any issues with alcohol for many years until the last 3 years when I believe he had the most stress, he abused the pills, and I have known him for 9 years now. He blames his temper on his dad, but I never witnessed his temper anything like what I have seen for the last 1.5 years (no accountability, someone else is always to blame). He said verbatim, "You know I am not an addict. I have never been addicted to anything in my life. Now, if you say I had a psychological dependence on them you could be correct. An addict feels a compulsion to take the pills every day. If I am an addict then how can I go days without taking them?" I think he hoards and binges. He says he is going to get off them in October after oral boards are complete and that I can't ask him to get off now, because I have no clue what his life is like. He said it's a crutch, it's makes his life easier and helps him study, but that's it. He acts like I am a complete idiot and the drugs have played no role in anything. 

I am happy to hear any feedback. He is in the thick of it and cannot see what it's doing to him -- is there anything I could ever say or do to get him to come to reality? Is there anything I could show him that would help him see things as they are and see he needs help?

[LittleJ]

I hate to say this, but I don't think there's anything you can say, do, or show to make him say that he's an addict. Deep down, he probably knows that he is, but he's not ready to acknowledge or accept it. In my humble opinion, a person isn't ready for recovery/to stop using if they can't admit that they are an addict.

I was in a relationship where my boyfriend basically asked me to choose between him or Adderall, and I chose the pills. I stayed in active addiction for an additional four years after we broke up. I was not ready to quit when he asked, and I had to hit my own rock bottom before I turned things around.

I would recommend putting yourself and your two children first. He will ask for help when he is ready, but don't force yourself to wait around while he figures it out.

I am very sorry you are having to deal with this, and I do just want to note this is my opinion, and I am in no way an expert. I can only speak to my experience as someone who was an Adderall addict for about 8 years.

[Michelle1]

Thank you so much for your reply. I kinda figured as much, but was of course hopeful for a different answer. I have been in a lot of therapy from this whole mess. I so desperately want to get through to him and cannot. It's like talking to a brick wall. It is heartbreaking seeing someone you love turn into someone you don't recognize. I hate it so much for the kids. I have seen such a steep decline in his health over the past year, but I know I need to focus on our kids and myself and not his addiction. It has consumed me for way too long.

I also want to say congratulations to you. I saw you've been off adderall since 2022. That is such an accomplishment. I hope and pray that one day he will be able to say that as well. I know he has to choose this on his own. He says he wants off, but he is still in the justifying, excuses portion of his journey. He doesn't think the negatives outweigh the positives and that it's still helping him study and focus, unfortunately. 

[quit-once]

I think you are taking the right approach to this situation.  I have no experience with relationships, only Adderall addiction, and seeing my friends go through it as well.  When he realizes that the addiction is not worth the cost to his mind and body, he will quit.  Until then, take care of yourself and your kids first.  

[Doge]

Quote

I was in a relationship where my boyfriend basically asked me to choose between him or Adderall, and I chose the pills. I stayed in active addiction for an additional four years after we broke up. I was not ready to quit when he asked, and I had to hit my own rock bottom before I turned things around.

As hard as it is for those whom the addict causes pain, and it is hard indeed I'm sure.  I've never been on the receiving end of this sort of "hurting" (as a verb).  But as for the addict themselves, don't ever worry about them reaping what they sew -- they will.

I cannot think of an emotional pain on this earth that is worse than the sorrow the addict feels when they wake up one day, realizing the extent of their addiction and what it has truly cost them.  And don't worry -- you are well within your rights not to be there for them when this day comes.  But it will.

[Michelle1]

Thank you both for your kind responses. It really means a lot. I am doing my best to look out for my children and myself. I know I cannot keep letting this consume me and need to try and move on with my life.