60 hours out - will I ever feel normal again?

[AmeliePoulain]

Hi all,

I have been on dexamphetamine (same type of drug as Adderall) for 18 months. I am ditching it – and my last tablet was 60 hours ago.

I think I pursued my ADHD diagnosis and medication because things were just so hard in my life and I felt like a failure because I couldn’t cope with life. 'ADHD' labels were thrown around when I was a kid but my parents didn't want to pursue it - but I was grateful for the label this time - it wasn't me (my life, addiction to success, marriage breakdown), it was the condition. The medication obviously helped, but it ‘confirmed’ the idea that I couldn’t do it on my own. Now I’ve reached a point where I feel like all the good parts of my personality are the medication – and all the bad parts are the real me. I started off on 15mg per day and it gradually went up, peaking at 40 about a month ago.

I have been in an intense masters program overseas for the last year and the medication has been crippling. Panic attacks, depression, insomnia and zero self esteem. I have been so close to the edge so many times, I got to a point where I didn’t think it was safe for me to stay here, away from home. A lot of it was just exhaustion. I felt many times like I was actually losing my mind.

I knew early on this year I wanted to get off the medication – but felt that I had to wait until my exams were over. My dr put me on amitriptyline, beta blockers and eventually zopiclone as well as the dex to help me sleep and get through the exams. Before last year, I never took medication – but this combo is probably the reason I have survived the last 2 or 3 months.

And now I am here. 60 hours out. I don’t remember much of the last couple of days, just a total zombie, trying to drag myself out of bed and do little jobs. It’s like there’s a harpy screaming in my head all the time, and my whole body is so uncomfortable and fidgety, I can’t sit still. I am so scared I’ve damaged my brain, my willpower, my excitement about life – what if they don’t come back? They are all I have, they define me. I feel like I ruined my own life – it’s my fault and I deserve all the pain. I don’t know how to forgive myself – how to surrender to this. My parents are visiting soon and I think I need to tell them - I never did because I felt like too much of a failure. But I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Thanks for reading.

[cremefraiche]

Dear Amelie,

Terrific name, thats one of my favoritest movies of all time: le fabuleux destin d'amélie poulain. I'm better you've seen the movie, and admire the main character as much as I do. Everytime I watch it, I envy her - her beautiful pursuit of finding herself through helping others. Finding her passion for life, finding someone to be passionate about - someone just like her that she didn't think she would ever find. Just keep reminding yourself that you are on a similar journey. You are finding your TRUE self, not your chemically induced self. How can you ever find what you are truly passionate about when adderall blurs the differences between activities and make even the most mundane tasks better - even entertaining. The glorious part about quitting, is we will become like everyone else, and be able to get through mundane tasks without drugs. If everyone else can do it every day, so can you. The trick will be to forget that you ever enjoyed such boring tasks while on a drug. The enjoyment was fake all along - just remember that. You are going to be living a REAL life from now on. And just like Amelie, you might discover that there are REAL things out there that light up your life. Things you might not have felt such a strong connection to before, because you were able to devote yourself entirely to boring things while on adderall. But once you feel that connection to real life, you will experience a self-awareness and a high you've never been able to feel before. Best of luck.

[Cat]

Hi Amelie, what a great name for the journey of quitting adderall. Can you imagine being able to experience life the way the character in the movie does while taking adderall? Never. That was the most depressing aspect of adderall use for me. Unable to enjoy a sunset, drink a cup of tea in a cafe, or ride in a train and watch the scenery go by. Unable to function, even just to watch a movie, without adderall, but impossible to enjoy the small things in life with adderall.

Anyway, the first 60 hours are the WORST and you describe it very well: fidgety and uncomfortable in your body. I'd add fuzzy and foggy in the brain, too. Don't worry: it WILL get better. It will probably take 5 to 7 days for you to break through the physical withdrawals. But you WILL make it through and you'll emerge on the other side ready to begin the journey to a happier, healthier, and more grounded life. And believe it or not, you will even be able to recover the productivity and mental functions you had on adderall/dex. Only it will feel so much better because you will achieve those qualities without chemicals.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. Everyone here is knowledgeable and experienced and can help you through the difficult times and give you hope for what's to come.

[AmeliePoulain]

thank you so much. 76 hours (and unfortunately counting...). I am so scared - but i don't want to drown out reality anymore. In the big picture, I want to find a way to accept myself, limitations and all, and to find value in myself - even if i can't chug out 15 hours of work a day or come first in everything. I just want to believe that i'm worthwhile anyway.

The physical pain has been awful - 3 or so days of just screaming in my ears, fidgety discomfort in all of my limbs, heaviness and hunger in my body. I think the drug should be just about gone - and i am totally exhausted.

One foot in front of the other. Trying not to be dragged down by the sadness and self pity, i want to believe that i can create the life i always imagined.

[BeHereNow]

i want to believe that i can create the life i always imagined.

It might sound a little cliche but BELIEVE IT lady, you are alive on this planet and you get to create the life you always wanted. Quitting is going to be a challenging journey towards that vision, but if you stay focused on all those dreams for the life you've always want for yourself, then that will trump any speed drugs that take away from who you really are. I'm confident you can get there! It gets better, SO MUCH BETTER! <3

[AmeliePoulain]

Thanks for all the words. Six days out. This time is so strange - tired, moody and slothful - but I knew that was coming, I'm giving myself permission and that just has to be ok. I keep telling myself, like a mantra, that time will heal, that I will get fitter and happier and more driven on my own without medication - I just need to give it time.

The really overwhelming thoughts are the ones telling me it wouldn't be such a big deal to just start up again. "Hmmm I think I'm already over the bad bit - obviously the meds are not as big a deal as I thought - doctors me it's ok, so it must be ok, right? I'm sleeping a bit, eating a lot and generally doing 'life things' so how much could it possibly have messed me around??"

I am trying to remind myself that it really did mess me around - the anxiety, the panic, the absolute desperation and mania. It was really and truly that bad. And (if all of that fails) I am just trying to tell myself that a few months off is a good idea anyway - regardless of what happens then. Start with a clean slate - see some new doctors - and try to remember how much pain this medication has caused me. But really, i think i'm done with it altogether. I'm trying to be prepared for the ups and downs that await me without scaring myself off.

One foot in front of the other. I'm not going back.

[AmeliePoulain]

God this is so hard. Early hours of the morning, can't sleep, heart racing, feeling unhealthier and less capable than ever. Hating myself for getting into this mess, for starting this drug in the first place. I feel so utterly weak and useless. And this is only day six. How do I even know if it's the drugs and withdrawal making me feel crap? Maybe this shitty depression and hopelessness is just me. Just trying to find some courage to keep going.

[ashley6]

Hang in there. It is the drugs and withdrawal. You seem like you really understand what to expect, and you're right on. To be honest, it's really bad for awhile, but it gets better. Patience is key. Try your best to take it a day at a time, because the future is just overwhelming to think about. This stuff is powerful and potent, doctors are wrong when they say it's not. Good for you....just keep going!

[AmeliePoulain]

Thanks so much Ashley. I have seen bits and pieces of your story and it is really inspiring. The place in between - where you don't quite know if it's the withdrawal anymore or just inexplicable sadness - is really rough. Thanks for the reassurance and the company. As so many have said, this is a lonely place. I'm so grateful to have company here.

[Jon]

Hi Amelie,

How are you doing? We are both in the early stages of coming off this drug. Day 9 for you and day 16 for me. I'm not aware of any other newbe's that have actually quit.

 

I feel somewhat improved today, Monday. I'm working a 12 hour shift at work 11 AM - 11 PM) and at least I was able to get out of bed in time to show up at 11 AM. I slept quite a lot over the weekend and kept myself isolated. I missed breakfast at Wimbeldon on Sunday morning. I didn't get out of bed until 1 PM. The match was over. Luckily, they showed Murray's 3rd set victory again around 2 PM. 

 

Hope your feeling a little bit better too.

[AmeliePoulain]

Day thirteen.

 

I can't believe how much has happened over the last 13 days. I finished my exams and was in a sleep-wake daze for about three days, withdrawing from the dexamphetamine (like Adderall) and zopiclone (sleeping medication).

 

The first week was horrendous, but things picked up at day seven. I was starting to feel present again, like myself. I had full conversations with people. I remembered that my passion and excitement for things wasn't the meds, it was really me. This was a great realisation. I slept and ate - a lot. I have put on weight, but I started to feel freer.

 

The last few days have been much harder again.

 

Bombshell #1: Yesterday I got the exam results from the masters I've been doing for the last year. I passed, but the marks were really bad. I am used to getting very high marks - it's hard to explain how traumatising this has been for me. I have always valued myself according to my academic successes - they are all I've ever had, I've failed at relationships and everything else. These marks were close to a fail - so the sense of worthlessness has been overwhelming. I shouldn't have been surprised - the anxiety, stress and depression caused by the medication during the year was almost unbearable - I was close to the edge more than once. It is a miracle that I even made it to the exams, and should just be proud to have finished. But accepting those things is hard. Especially when I am surrounded by overachievers who don't know anything about my drug struggles this year. It really did feel (does feel?) like my future was hopeless and I am just incompetent. I am trying to remind myself about the challenges I've faced - and be glad to have passed.

 

Bombshell #2: Today I told my parents everything. They have come to visit me at college and I hadn't seen them for a year. I told them about my ADHD diagnosis from 18 months ago, about the medicine I've been taking since then, the to and fro from one psych to another, and I told them about the hell of the last 12 months. They weren't upset or angry - they were just so relieved and so grateful to know the truth. They were so proud of me. I was so scared that they would be worried and upset (that's why I haven't told them) but they weren't - they were strong for me and just told me how much they loved me. They hugged me and told me everything would be ok - they would look after me and we would get through all this, whatever the outcome.

 

So I guess things are ok. I didn't get my first class honours - but I'm alive, right? And my parents still love me, even now they know the whole story. I believe there is enough time in life for us to make mistakes and to try again and to keep on going. I think we will all be so much stronger and better for having been through these problems. I believe that we really are so courageous for getting to this point and for talking about it and helping each other. We're brave for trying again and again.

 

Thank you for reading and sharing this experience with me. I am absolutely inspired by all of your courage and strength.

 

 

[Jon]

Even though the results were tramatizing for you, congratulations are still in order for completing them while going through the first and toughest phase of withdrawal and recovery. Not one drug, but two and I don't know of many people who could do that!

 

You must feel relieved that your parents are now on your side and know your story. Your positive attitude at the end of you post is not only good to hear from you, but inspiring to all of us that share this devestating addiction.

 

Making mistakes is our one best method of learning, so you are on the mark when you say that they will only make us stronger.

 

Your story inspires me and I intend keep moving forward with my quit because of your presence in this forum. Thank you for sharing.

[AmeliePoulain]

Thanks Jon! The support is so much appreciated.

[Jon]

I know, Amelie. You’re going to make it. I can tell…. and so am I.

[AmeliePoulain]

Day 21. Help. I feel absolutely horrible today. I have just ditched the final medication that I was on - amitriptyline - about four days ago. I'm hungover (i just wanted to go out and have fun last night and stop thinking about things) and now I feel like absolute hell. I've never felt more like just taking one dexamphetamine tablet, just to help me get back on track. This is really, really hard - I know that taking it would make me feel amazing.

 

Right now, I feel exhausted, insecure, really hating myself and feeling weak and sad. I have put on lots of weight, just in the last three weeks. I am physically in pain. It's just awful. I am berating myself for going out last night. None of my clothes fit. At this moment, life feels really hopeless.

 

Today is the first time in 21 days I've really, really felt like taking the drug again. My brain is telling me "just a couple of days back on it, you can exercise, get back in shape, get on top of things, start to feel good about yourself." I just need to be strong and give the healing time. But this is so hard, I am so sad and I am so tired of trying and fighting all the time. I just want to give up.

[ashley6]

Day 21. Help. I feel absolutely horrible today. I have just ditched the final medication that I was on - amitriptyline - about four days ago. I'm hungover (i just wanted to go out and have fun last night and stop thinking about things) and now I feel like absolute hell. I've never felt more like just taking one dexamphetamine tablet, just to help me get back on track. This is really, really hard - I know that taking it would make me feel amazing.

Right now, I feel exhausted, insecure, really hating myself and feeling weak and sad. I have put on lots of weight, just in the last three weeks. I am physically in pain. It's just awful. I am berating myself for going out last night. None of my clothes fit. At this moment, life feels really hopeless.

Today is the first time in 21 days I've really, really felt like taking the drug again. My brain is telling me "just a couple of days back on it, you can exercise, get back in shape, get on top of things, start to feel good about yourself." I just need to be strong and give the healing time. But this is so hard, I am so sad and I am so tired of trying and fighting all the time. I just want to give up.

I'm sorry you're having a hard day. I remember those days being so frequent when I was quitting. It's completely natural to feel like this, but I know that doesn't ease your pain. I looked at it like this. If I ever went back to adderall, I'd be trying up to clean up a mess that I let adderall create in my life.....with adderall. It isn't logical, so that's when it's really important not to romanticize it. Try your best to focus on the here and now, a day at a time, because these feelings will pass. They will....maybe not immediately, but they will. Stay strong and congratulations on 21 days!

[Jon]

Hi Amelie,

 

I right there with you in the “this totally sucks†world of Adderall withdrawal. My social life has disappeared completely and I don’t exactly feel like reaching out to anyone, even by telephone, because I don’t feel like I have anything of value to share. Who else would understand how painfully futile our days are? Thank God, we have this forum, and people in this forum, like Ashley, who offer us hope that it WILL END eventually.

 

Everyone is different so I expect our recoveries will be unique too. I’m worried because I used Adderall daily for 12 years.  12 years!?!?!? What in the world was I thinking? Others have struggled with very high dosages for shorter periods of time. Who knows what is worse. I mean hell is hot no matter which part of it you were born unto it, do you not agree?

 

I’ve read where others have used alcohol and weed to help with the daily crash of Adderall. I am guessing that’s what you used amitriptyline for….to help you sleep.  (now that’s a name for a drug!!!, as if the brand name Elavil wasn’t suggestive enough) I use Ambien. I don’t want to come off it until I get some clean time in from Adderall. Once I have more confidence, I’ll quit the Ambien. I do not use alcohol, weed or tobacco to complicate things any more than my own personal version of “The Valley of the Dolls†of Adderal and Ambien.

 

Oh yeah, I also use Xanax too. Wow, I must have a really good psychiatrist, huh? I’ll deal with the Xanax last. I think you threw yourself a curve when you decided to toss the amitriptyline. It’s totally your call but I would expect a car crash when trying to overcome withdrawal symptoms of two or more drugs at once.

 

I am still putting in 12 to 14 hours of sleep and half-sleep (tossing and turning) a day. I have one move, from the bed to the couch, where I usually languish for another 2 hours. For the love of God, when will the sleep fest end?

 

Here is what you risk by taking even one small pill: Complete relapse. That means that within hours or days you will be right back to using your highest dosages. That’s the hell of addiction. You are just one pill away from being right back at square ONE. I know I don’t want to risk that. Not that I haven’t thought about it too, but actually doing it….no way. That would mean throwing 30 hard earned days away; 23 hard earned days for you, as of this post. I’m adding the 2 days for you, because I’m sure you would have contacted someone directly before putting a Dexedrine pill in your mouth.

Hear what Ashley is saying and take comfort whenever you can in her words. Her voice is the voice of experience. She has traveled this part of the path and is reaching out to pull us along. Don’t let go of her hand. I know I am holding on to her hand. I am holding your hand too, Amelie. Hold on tight.

[BeHereNow]

Hi Amelie, How are you doing?  Still with us? 

 

It's so hard especially in the beginning.  I know you can do this.  You are way too good to go back into that addiction hell.   I'm sorry to hear about your bad marks.   It's probably because you're in the very beginning stages of recovery, and that takes an incredible amount of strength to do both at once.   Once your brain heals more you'll get your natural talents back, better and stronger than on speed.  

[AmeliePoulain]

Thank you all so much for the kind thoughts and care. I am still here, still clean. It's been very hard. Very sad news - my cousin died a couple of days ago of cancer. He was only 18. My family are all pulling together over this terrible tragedy, but I am still in another country, wishing I was there with them.

The kind words of encouragement and understanding that you've all offered mean the world to me. I'm glad to be able to tell you I've stayed off the medication. Just taking one day at a time.

[Jon]

Amelie,

 

I’m so sorry to learn of your young cousins premature death. I offer my sincere condolences to you and your family. It must be really hard living so far away from your family.

 

Thank you for taking the time during this crisis to let us know that you are still committed to quitting Adderall. At the very least, you deserve an atta girl! I am so happy to count you in the quit club. I have new energy to approach my own challenges today.

[ashley6]

Amelie,

So very sorry for your loss. That is unimaginable. Thoughts go out to you and your family.

[BeHereNow]

Amelie,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin.  I can't even imagine what you and your family are going through, or how hard it must be to be so far away from them at this time.  My heart goes out to you!

[Zerokewl]

keep on keepin on.