My heaven has turned into my hell

[bl.honey]

I just found this website today and for the first time since I started taking adderall, felt like I wasn't crazy and completely alone. I just wanted to post and try to get help with ending my hell. I've tried to quit before, but have never been successful, I've known something was wrong, but I didn't know how to stop myself. I took adderall for the first time a little over a year and a half ago. At the time I thought it was the PERFECT time to find it. It was like my angel. I have a 3 1/2 year old son, and before I had him I had a serious eating disorder. I gained  a lot of weight from my pregnancy and I just couldn't seem to lose it fast enough. It didn't matter how many people told me I looked 'so much better and healthier', I felt disgusting. I was 137 pounds at 5'9, but I use to be 104 pounds. I know to most people that sounds ridiculous, but it's just how I've always felt. A friend brought me in my bathroom and offered me a line of adderall she said she'd just been prescribed and it was AMAZING, she never wanted to eat and she had loads of energy. I was immediately sold. I took adderall everyday after that. I realized I knew SO many people with prescriptions. How did I never know about this before? I would take about 15mg a day. I started dating a new guy, he was great, I found out he was prescribed adderall as well. He would sell me pills occasionally but not often. About 3 months into our relationship we moved in together, it wasn't planned, just a terrible sequence of events, we both needed a place and we couldn't afford one alone. This was the worst mistake I ever made. This is when I found out, he was prescribed A LOT of adderall, way more than I'd ever seen. His doctor gave him 2 months worth at one time. 60 30mg xr and 60 15mg xr. He didn't like to take them because they made him feel like a zombie. I asked him if he'd sell me 20 of them, he'd never sold me more than 2 or 3 at a time he said no. I begged him, told him i wouldn't have to buy from multiple people, it would be safer, it just made since. He said ok. My son would tell me I was a superhero, and that's exactly how I felt. My house was immaculate, I started making to do lists. People were commenting on my weight loss, even negative comments about my weight loss made me feel great, I knew it was working. I was booking modeling jobs faster than i ever had. Eventually I had a list book with sections, to do list, to buy list, bills & due dates, work schedule, dates and approx. amounts of pay checks. I'd been taking about 45mg a day. He began to try to wean me off when i overdosed at work. it didn't lost long. We broke up, he moved out, and I was right back up, buying from random people again. I'm currently taking 60 or more a day. I take 30mg orally in the morning, go back to bed, wake up when the adderall kicks in, then it's kind of hard to keep track, which is why i've now overdosed twice, i snort about 1/4-1/2 about 2 hours into my day, snort the same about 3 hours later, a little more later...a little more after that..  it really just depends on my day . It's usually about 4 times a day at least that I snort it. I have nightmares about not having adderall when I'm low, I can't think about anything else. I have black outs, i stand up and i feel dizzy and everything just goes black, My heart hurts, I think I'm dying half the time. I have awful, painful sores in my nose, constant nose bleeds, i've been breaking out terribly, i have awful mood swings, i spend a ridiculous amount. I've spent my utility money, my phone bill money..And that's just the beginning... I want to quit so terribly, I don't do things i use to do, I cried for days when I realized there's been days I've been so concentrating on getting something done, i've forgotten to feed my son until he's come to tell me he's hungry. I'm embarrassed and feel like everyone is going to judge me, I'm to terrified to tell anyone how bad it really is. I cried when I found this site.. I guess that's all, any advice would help. I know it's time for me to stop. I'm tired of feeling like a shell of what I use to be.

[Jon]

Welcome to the forum. You are in the right place if you really want to quit. I'm still new to living life without Adderall (24 days after 12 years of daily use). In my view, quitting snorting would be a good start.

 

Take little steps to gear you up to a full quit. Preparing to quit, with a plan, knowing what to expect, are important steps. Read as much as you can of the articles written by Mike on this site. Learn what you are up against. Know the enemy.

 

There are many voices of experience here to help you along the way. Support is here. Take a baby step today toward ending your hell.

[ashley6]

Welcome to the forums. It sounds like you've come to the realization that this isn't working for you. You recognize the toll it's taken on your health in all aspects: especially mentally and physically. I never snorted adderall, but I did abuse very high dosages...up to about 120 mgs a day. I quit 15 months ago, and I was in the darkest of places when I quit. I realized something had to change because I was losing my relationships, risking the chance of getting caught buying pills illegally. I was a mess emotionally and looked sickly. It's no way to live, but it's scary trying to even figure out how to live life again without adderall. Let me just tell you there is hope. Do you have a support system in place? Have you ever been treated for your issues with weight? It sounds like you understand everything you've lost by abusing. As horrible as it feels, I do look at it as the gift of desperation. Feeling this way is what can lead you to make strides to change your life and get off of this roller coaster ride. I just want to tell there is hope as hopeless at it feels. Stay close to these forums because they truly can be a lifeline.

[ashley6]

Welcome to the forum. You are in the right place if you really want to quit. I'm still new to living life without Adderall (24 days after 12 years of daily use). In my view, quitting snorting would be a good start.

Take little steps to gear you up to a full quit. Preparing to quit, with a plan, knowing what to expect, are important steps. Read as much as you can of the articles written by Mike on this site. Learn what you are up against. Know the enemy.

There are many voices of experience here to help you along the way. Support is here. Take a baby step today toward ending your hell.

Congratulations on 24 days. What an accomplishment, especially after 12 years! Keep it up, Jon!!!

[Jon]

Thank you Ashley. I couldn't be doing it without the support I get from this site and people like you. I don't suffer from any cravings. I simply don't want the pill anymore. I only want recovery. I thank God for this site. The people here have taught me what I need to be successful and stay successful.

[Brandy76]

Hey BI welcome to the site, I'm new also and also had that seem feeling of crying after reading all the different stories with so many similarities. It is sad and that's why I tend to not stay because I get depressed connecting all these traits as adderall induced traits - pretty scary huh I totally understand you wanting to quit. I noticed you mention spending being an issue, I noticed this with me too. Never connected it with Adderall use. I don't go spending the entire rent money, but have noticed my credit cards creeping up or I let certain bills get behind, it's strange

[bl.honey]

Thanks so much for all the responses. I told my Mom yesterday and sent her a link to this website. She was a drug counselor for years, she never counseled anyone for adderall but she wants too help me, which is why I told ger to read on here how to better assist me. I've never had counseling for my eating disorder. I'm a single Mom with no insurance, and there's sadly close to no resources where I live. I know that's going to be one of my biggest struggles, i've never been able to conquer it successfully except while I was pregnant. I just want to be a great Mommy again. I try so hard to sit down with my son, he comes up.and wraps his arms around my legs and says, 'mommy! Play with me!' Or 'mommy! Cuddle with me!' And I want so badly too... But when I do I can't even enjoy it all I think about is those unfinished dishes.. Or those crumbs all over my floor from his lunch.. I drive myself crazy. Also, I think my spending has a lot to do with my obsession with everything. I spend a lot on adderall itself, but I also convince myself I need all kinds of crazy things, organizational things, cleaning products, even clothes 'i have to buy this dress, I know im broke, but this is going to make me look thinner, it's going to boost my modeling career' I know how silly that is even while im thinking it, but I always give in.. I'm tired of being a slave, I want to be in control of my life and decisions, not adderall..

[whosthisguy]

Welcome to the forums. I can relate to snorting it--it just gives you such a rush and, wow, it even saves you some pills! What's wrong with that? Except for the nosebleeds, the powder on your nose, etc. I remember going to the bathroom at work and snorting off of a paper towel dispenser. EW! Did I care? No. I didn't even care when I did it off of the baby changing station. 

 

When you quit, you have to think about your son. I do research in development psychology (specifically in regards to the mother-child relationship) and I can absolutely tell you that this is not healthy for your relationship at ALL. Especially regarding the food and play. My mind is racing in all of the ways, but I don't want to sound like a know-it-all or that I'm trying to be harsh towards you. I'm not, but I am super worried. I beg you to quit for yourself and for him. 

 

I often used the word 'slave' with Adderall, too. It also ruined my relationships. I also racked up thousands in credit card debt. We all have similar stories. The only way that I could break the slavery was flushing the pills down the toilet. Please stay with us!