Anxiety and lack of motivation

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Just wanted to say it is taking a bloody long time to go away.  I've been clean 9 or 10 months and the last few days/week have been awful.  Cravings, lethargic, stressed, anxious.  Can't sleep, eating to suppress my anxiety, then I end up sleeping for 13 hours straight and am stupidly late for work.  I am really behind on some significant work projects and I'm just plain exhausted.

 

I am wondering what's going on.  Did anyone experience struggles 9 or 10 months in????

[ashley6]

Yes! I did for sure. I had a much less demanding schedule than you, so it was less of a big deal for me; however, I hated sleeping the days awaiy. For example, today I still slept a loooot. I think sleeping has been my coping mechanism through the anxiety and depression and PAWS (or a lack of coping), and therefore I feel more tired than I probably actually am. Do you notice this in yourself? I know you've heard it a million times, but working out does help a lot with energy levels and exhaustion a lot. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope you get your energy back soon!

[ChristopherB]

It's been about 9 months since I took my last pill, (after being on it since 2005) and I wish I could say I was starting to feel "normal". But for me, every day is a PAWS day.  Can't sleep more than an hour at a time, can't ever really wake up. NO energy.

The slightest bit of stress causes my brain to shut down like a hard drive crashing, turns me into a stuttering, brain damaged idiot. Spooky stuff...    Oh yeah, irritable and mood  swingy.  I've been tempted to try Wellbutrin, but that feels like throwing in the towel after sticking it out this long.  I'm afraid it'll be like turning around and running away from the finish line (if you know what I mean).  But the I despair at the the thought of another 6-8 months (or more) of this miserable crap.                                                   

On a lighter note, I've been lurking without posting for months at this sight, but getting a lot of inspiration from you folks.

 

M_F_A, do you think the Wellbutrin is helping at all?  Reading your posts these last few months  it seems like you're doing a hell of a lot better than I am, in spite of your bad week.

[resetBrain]

I'm at about the 9 month mark, too, and definitely struggling with anxiety. About nothing I can pinpoint, just this general knot in the stomach and feeling of 'things are not okay.' It comes and goes. Sometimes it's gone for a whole day, or even two, at the time. But definitely it's lurking.

[Zerokewl]

I'm at the 90ish day mark. I can definitely relate. Im good feeling great than BAM i'm a puddle on the couch watching PBS documentaries and having some dark thoughts. I am trying to keep a journal to see what causes it.  Best I can tell exercise is the best cure, but sometimes it so bloody hard to get up and do things. I'm done with any pill that effects the brain so anti-d's are not a good idea. Large doses of ginseng sometimes help. Also I've noticed a bad day seems to follow a really good day. 

[catw66]

I am only a month or so out and I am noticing lots of ups and downs, sometimes within one day even. Still not totally firing brain-wise as I think I ought to be. I think this can take a long time. I keep thinking of your handle, Motivation Follows Action everytime I do something, though. Sometimes it works and other times I just need to take a nap and then start over again later. But it helps to just get started on something and see how long I can go. I tell myself, "Yes I feel crappy and like I'd rather just do nothing or something easier, but I can hang in here for at least half an hour" it's just getting started is the usual problem. If I am so exhausted though. I cut myself slack. All in good time, all in good time. I figure there was a reason we were all on it in the first place, right? Those are the things to monitor and see what can be done. Good luck and don't be hard on yourself! You are probably doing better than you think with all this.

[catw66]

zerokewl - I'm with you on the done with any pill thing. I've been on one thing or another for 30 years and this Adderall thing really was the bottom for me and I refuse to bother anymore.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Wow, this has been a really busy thread.   And interesting that there are lots of people who could relate... especially after a reasonable period of time.  

 

I remember once someone (might have been Ashley?) said they expected that after 6 months they expected to wake up one day and just be "cured".  I guess I inadvertently thought that was going to be me after 9 months.  

 

I've been reflecting and I know we have discussed this before, but there is something powerful in realizing that what is going on is a confluence of 4 (maybe more) things, all happening simultaneously, in our lives:

 

1) On adderall, we adjusted our thinking to believe that shit just got done.  We got up, popped a pill, and got to it.  Easy.  That was our new normal.  So adjusting back to the "actual" normal, where we put shit off until the last possible moment because that's what humans do, is a hard adjustment

2) Our brains are starved of dopamine now we've come off it, so the "new normal" we have to adjust to is in fact the opposite end of the spectrum... the pendulum swinging back the other way.  The next new normal is a shitty "I really cannot do anything productive and I hate myself for it".  So that makes it even harder.

3) Not to mention that we have a lot of sifting through all the messes we caused and shit we stirred up during our 2,3,5, 15 year stint of being high all the time.  Damaged families, finances, self esteem, self identity, grades, you name it.  The last dark days of adderall addiction are messy living defined, and cleaning up takes a lot of strength and vulnerability... and...

4) Our expectations of ourselves after quitting are probably far greater than they should be.  I remember posting to this board 5 weeks after quitting and losing everything how desperate I was to land the perfect executive job.  Everyone was telling me, "slow down, it's going to take a while", and now I know what they mean.

 

So all of these factors lead me to believe our lives right now are kind of like landing a mig-29 on a pitching deck (for reference, documentary fans this is an awesome metaphor!  

).  Nothing is stable, we don't know where we are, and everything is skewed.  All we have is our instincts and trust in ourselves that there is safety ahead.

 

Anyway, enough of the belabored metaphors.  Just wanted to share those insights.  They made me put things in perspective a bit.