Picking up the pieces

[ashley6]

So, as I'm going through some transitions in my life right now, probably not major for some people, but major for me because I haven't been one to adapt to change well, I'm truly seeing that quitting adderall 16 months ago was the best decision of my life and continues to be every. single. day. While I take responsibility of making the choice to use adderall, I truly was controlled by the drug for many years, 7 actually. As I'm moving 2 hours away to finish my last class of college, renting an apartment has been extremely difficult. Why? Because I completely ruined my credit while addicted to adderall and let all of my bills go to shit....collections upon collections upon collection calls. Nobody wants to rent to someone with bad credit, understandably so. My parents are putting faith in me, which is unwarranted really, and are paying for all of my rent along with my class this semester. Why am I 28 and just finishing college? Because I was too tweaked out on adderall to go to class. Then, I lied to my family for a year telling them I graduated college. I didn't, and the truth came out. While I feel under so much pressure to succeed in life now, I know that it is possible. I CAN do this. Many of you already know a lot of my story, but today it just hit me how ironic it is that what I thought adderall was helping me for was actually doing the opposite....with a vengeance. My mom told me recently that while living at college that I had my electric shut off because I hadn't paid the bill, and I called her upset. To this day, I can't remember that happening, and I would've never known had she not told me....just no recollection whatsoever.

I wanted to reflect on this for myself to show me that any hard days I may have or experience now are nothing compared to what havoc I let adderall wreak on my life. This life, this life of being present, caring about my loved ones, having my heart broken, feeling scared that I can't accomplish things or I'm not good enough are 100% worth it, because it is MY life, and I am Ashley again, by the grace of God. I haven't written a lot lately about what is going on with me, but I felt the need to share this evening....even if it's just rambling.

[Zerokewl]

Congrats you are definitely on the right path. I did some pretty deceitful things while using and managed to  create some major debt too. I feel really guilty about a lot of things.  I think the great thing is we can now create the life we want filled with people and love.  I'm not as far a long (90 days ) so I'm glad to hear things get better. Congrats on completing college congrats on 16th months you've accomplished so much

[ashley6]

Zerokewl,

That's great. 90 days is a huge accomplishment, and while you will start feeling somewhat better, don't get discouraged on days you don't, because it definitely is a roller coaster for awhile, but thank goodness you're getting off of it and moving on to a better, more genuine you.

[catw66]

Congratulations. I can totally relate. My functioning went so far down the tubes on this drug it wasn't funny. I still have a hard time dealing with filling out forms and petty paperwork type things - like paying my bills on time and all, but it's getting easier. Who would have thought my concentration would get so bad on Adderall over a few years rather than better? But then again, drugs have different effects over time in combinations with all sorts of other factors and some act in a way that is idosyncratic...this, I know having been on lots of them.

 

I am so glad you figured this out at a young age. You have many years ahead of you to make some real headway now.

[Jon]

 

 

 

_Ashley,

 

_{Thank you for posting something so encouraging! I am grasping at straws every day. I’m tittering on the edge because I am so sick of feeling like a used up, tired, old grease rag. And… with that statement aside, I am being nice to myself, putting up with this new me. I only push myself when I need to eat, stay clean and work. Work has actually been very helpful for me. I would really go nuts laying around all day, every day. It’s changing shifts and overtime that are steps backwards in my recovery.  Maybe I can change that, I don’t know. What I do know is that I am getting the support I need from people like you. Your work here is nothing short of saving lives.}

 

_{I propose a toast to you Ashley on your 16^th month anniversary, with all of your friends here. You have worked hard, paid the horrendous price, stayed the course and been an inspiration in our community. Here’s to you Ashley, and to achieving all of your dreams. May they bring you peace, joy and wellbeing.}

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

[lunax]

Thank you for sharing this.

[tessa0412]

U are awesome and inspireing

[ashley6]

Thanks for all the kind words! Throughout my recovery, when some of the days were just awful and I didn't know how I could make it through how much reading Cassie, InRecovery, quit-once, LilTex, and Motivation Follows Actions, to name a few, words meant to me. I truly don't know if I could've done it and continue to do it without the guidance and support here. And I continue to learn from all you newbies on a daily basis. This site has a special place in my heart.....not to get all mushy....but it forever will.