ItsTIME....

[ItsTIME]

Well… here I am.

 

Greetings  to you, fellow  traveler in this journey of life.     Myself, I am at a major crossroads and I have ended up here on these boards to help guide me down the correct path.  I can’t do this on my own.   I can make all of the excuses I want for my mistakes in life, but am I crazy to think adderrall is a driving factor in why I am where I am at today?  Physically, spiritually, and emotionally?  And most importantly impeding my ability to LOVE?  Or is that just who I am?  So bear with me for what is MY STORY and how I got here.  =)

 

Who am I?  I am 35 male (faked my way into an addy prescription),  single, no kids, never been married, attractive, great friends and family, with a successful and lucrative career in medical device sales.  I have everything going for me and maybe I should be just happy and thankful right?   But I am not.  What’s wrong with me?  Why am I unhappy?  I have ruined my last two relationships with the most amazing/beautiful girls that I had the chance to build a future with but I BLEW IT.  And now I am left feeling sorry for myself.  Should I just go on as is… or do I make changes in my life to try and give myself a chance to CONNECT naturally with my next significant other and with the people I love in my life on a REAL level again.  I want kids, the family, the whole enchilada… but I am scared I am running out of time and options.

 

Let’s take take a trip down memory lane for a minute shall we?  I grew up in a household with parents who never truly loved each other.  I have two older sisters.  My Dad never really loved my mom growing up and he took advantage of her while he partied and did odd jobs and used his smarts to get by while she was the one who truly got us by over the long haul.  Now, he is my best friend TODAY… but he was always the party happy funny guy who everyone loved (only drank).  He now has his shit together, and finally realized his potential these past 15 years or so.  Yet, growing up he never truly showed my Mom love and I guess I thought that was normal.  They divorced when I was 16 and I immediately became the party guy and well, that has never really changed to this day.  Side note:  I have always pretty much smoked weed since I was 16, and it’s pretty much daily and still do.  But that’s another forum perhaps along with smoking cigs which feels so damn good when I am in a good addy high.     

 

I ended up going through a phase of coke in my late twenties (very dark time as some of you may know), for it only to be replaced with Adderall and coke was just never the same for me.  But Adderall, maaaaaan….. adderrall was the SHIT.  I was on a young sales force and everyone was using and partying and fucking.  So I got my own prescription and bam… the first 2 years I was flying.  Its been 6 or 7 years now.  I am not going to lie to you and say I was a HUGE taker or anything, I mean at one point I would take 60 mgs a day on occasion…  but honestly I was pretty good about taking only what was prescribed to me.  Hit 30, and I was in a very serious relationship with the love of my life.  Yet, I NEVER truly connected with her on the level a woman and a healthy relationship needs.  She stuck with me for a few years… but in the end, even she was screaming it was the Adderall, and she never understood why we could only connect on the surface.  I promised change, to stop taking, never truly thinking it might be the real problem she claimed it was.  Sound familiar perhaps?  Now, I have never been one for a long term relationship as for some reason I always avoided relationships for the most part and only chased what I couldn’t have.  And I have had a lifetime it seems of rejection in the end, on top of copious amounts of meaningless sex.  Maybe I am filling the void of this pain with drugs and partying and most importantly daily Adderall to this day.

 

Anyway, this past week I have had enough of my mistakes.  The final fucking straw.  I’ve had ENOUGH of getting high on Adderall during the day and leveling out in the evenings with weed.  Sometimes I would start early on weed to stop myself from tweaking out.  I work from my house, so it does get lonely and most of my friends are all back out in the burbs and having kids.  Me?  Just dealing with it, trying to be happy knowing I blew a chance at something good with the most amazing girl that I had such a great and early connection with.  We started dating earlier this year and met online.  It was great.. but I never was able to take it to the next level.  In part, because I was letting my past get in the way with the old girl who still came around every now and then.  But mainly, because I was too wishy washy with her and turned her down many times to do things/meet her family (other than with her daughter) because I was not in the “right frame of mindâ€.  I was too busy dealing with my highs and lows of addy and weed every day.  In my own little bubble and didn’t want to be messed with.  But there was never a perfect time for us getting together because I was ALWAYS chasing this never ending viscous cycle.  So she officially ended it after I started chasing her a bit knowing I fucked up and then was grasping for her to stay, constantly racing in my mind events over and over and over.  A sad reality, tis.

 

Well… a few months later after just getting by but honestly getting closer to happiness…. I got another chance recently to make amends with her after she was in a brief and hurtful relationship.  By this time I have been weening myself off of Adderall already…. or just halving my dosage per day anyway.  Basically 10-15mg of XR, half of what I had and I have even went a month or so without refilling.  Still, enough to feel the energy building inside me endlessly feeling it wanting to break out of my toes and fingers every day when I sat still. 

 

So we started hanging out, slowing reconnecting, and having fun…. IT WAS ON.  I was playing it perfectly, giving her space, not pushing, and having the best time with her and we were making plans for the future.  And I was feeling a bit better about myself and my addictions.  Then, on a Monday tweaking I was overthinking her having to cancel a date and so I said no problem.  But then my paranoia set in… and I asked her if she was in a good position to even keep communicating like we are, considering the recent pain she just went through.  She said honestly she is wanting to be single, have fun, and doesn’t want to rush into another relationship so soon and would respect it if I didn’t want to talk anymore but cant do more right now.  What I should have said was THAT’S OK, I don’t want to rush into anything either, and let things grow naturally.  BUT, in my wicked state… I said I understand, but I have enough friends and don’t want to continue with her without at least the openness of something more and deleted her on FB.  LOL, woops.  What a fucked up move, and I IMMEDIATELY regretted it and tried to make amends.  Now she won’t talk to me and she didn’t accept my FB request.  I didn’t want to pressure her, and that’s exactly what I did.  Now I am THAT GUY.  Clearly to her an emotionally immature wreck who cant be level and in a strong place without blowing up.  Is this just who I am?  Or is this a driving force from Adderall?

What a cluster fuck.  I blew it again.  Is this just me being an insecure ahole?  Or is this a product of the cycle I am on… overthinking everything and pushing people away that I care about.  Is this something everyone in here has experienced before?   Is this OK for me to ‘blame’ this on the Adderall, or is that just an excuse for what I did?  These are the questions that scare me.  Who have I become?  Why do I push everyone away until they ARE away then I clamor for them to come back?

 

Maybe this is just a way for me to “change my life†and win her back down the road with the NEW ME?  Maybe I am USING this board and this experience to find a way to get her back.  But deep down, I think I really know what my  problem is… and I will never have the right FOUNDATION of inner peace and strength to love properly unless I can STOP this viscous cycle no matter if this one ever gives me another chance (ha not likely) or not. 

 

I am now on day 2.  Its fucking hard, I am tired.  I am hopeless, but I am staying strong and I am headed to my next appt.  Maybe not as hard for you to get through all of that lol.  But I want you to know how much I do appreciate you hearing my story and allowing me to bare my soul for a bit.  I do feel a bit better already. 

 

Just trying to figure out what's next. 

 

-ItsTIME

[Jon]

If you want to quit Adderall, or weed or any drug you have to want to quit for you, not anyone else. You say it's time to get sober. You have to cut off your supplier, your doctor who prescribes it, and when you are ready, get rid of your stash, if you have one. 

 

In my experience I would say forget the girl because once a woman says "it's over" it is in fact over... over and out.

 

It is your best interest to get sober on your own anyway. You will pass through many negative states of mind and being while you go through recovery. There is no need to drag anyone through it with you, if you can help it. Use this forum for your support.

 

Day 2 is tough, but the hardest part is already done. You began. Stay connected and self-accepting. Trust the process. Have faith in the process. You will be better off for it and in time you will become emotionally available with sobriety.

[ItsTIME]

Hey Jon,

 

Thank you for your support and the time to respond, and being rather blunt about it lol.  =)

 

I won't lie to you and say she wasn't a big reason why I am here and still working through most likely false hope of reconciling.  And deep down inside I know you are right about women, and that typically what's done is done and there is no turning back.  Hell, she never even knew about the adderroll.  But damn we had so much potential, and I know she saw it too.  This only further deepens the struggle I am going through currently, another SELF INFLICTED wound that will have a hard time closing.  But I know that also I will never become who I was truly meant to be if I continue to travel down this path taking speed on a daily basis when I have no flippen medical need to do so in the first place.  How the hell does that make any sense??? 

 

I also can take solace in knowing that you are right and this is no time to try to rekindle or renew or even start a relationship during this time, and it would not be fair to her to drag her into this mess and further complicate her world.  So maybe it was meant to be that this happened, as it has emboldened me to see this damn thing through.  PERIOD.  I wont risk another single day on adderrall when all its ever done for me in the end is cause me to lash out, dive into a terrible cycle of worry and paranoia, push people I care about away, and become emotionally immature when I have my own shit to work on already,  

 

*** The scary part is I do think about how much of it was me, and how much was it the adderrall?  Guess I will find that out on my own in due time.  Am I just kidding myself and BLAMING the adderrall?

 

No stash to find.  I guess I can call my doc to inform them of what I am doing and not to ever prescribe again?  I have already told my two good buds who have adderall .  One who needs it (who abuses), and the other who like me got it by faking into it... who might I add is taking my move in serious light reflective of his own future... who has had his own troubles in marriage and family due to his use.  But I know not to push him and let him seek his own choices. 

 

Thanks again bud

[Jon]

*** The scary part is I do think about how much of it was me, and how much was it the adderrall?  Guess I will find that out on my own in due time.  Am I just kidding myself and BLAMING the adderrall?

 

No stash to find.  I guess I can call my doc to inform them of what I am doing and not to ever prescribe again? 

 

 

Adderall does undermine your personality over time. That is the number one reason people want to quit. We want to recover a part of ourselves we know is missing. Have you read all of Mike's articles? I suggest you invest the time to do that.

 

Yes, you can call your doctor and tell him that you don't want to be perscribed Adderall ever again, due to dependancy issues or whatever. You don't have to give a reason if you don't want to, but making the call is important because you need to cut off your supplier.

 

Sorry I am blunt here. There are so many folks that post once or twice here and then dissappear. I'm just trying to get some of the facts out to you.

[JustinW]

Well then may I be a little more blunt?  You cannot be in a meaningful relationship with anyone until you take care of your own crap, otherwise your baggage will tend to drag the relationship down.  Fix yourself before attempting to pursue your emotional goals.  Things will work out a lot better for you that way.

 

You can try to blame adderall, but we are ultimately responsible for our own actions even though we surrendered control to the drugs.

 

You are starting down a good path; focus on that direction.  I hope that you make the decision to quit adderall for YOU and not anyone else.

 

Hopefully that isn't too harsh because I edited out quite a bit.

[Zerokewl]

Welcome to the board itsTime. Congrats on 2 days you are making those first crucial steps.  Adderall is a colossal mind fuck the emotions you are feeling are a symptom of withdrawal.  Sleep and Netflix should be your best friends for the next little while. Your brain needs sleep to repair.  Remember you won't be thinking clearly for a little while. Your brain is starting to experience a shortage in dopamine.  There are various stages to the withdrawal clearly defined in the articles on this site. Read the articles and read them again.  As the sites tagline states 

 

"Surviving the painful but extremely rewarding transition back to your true self"

 

Jon  & Justin W is dropping all sorts of truth bombs.  You need to do this for you. We are here to help. Just take it a day at a time for right now. Post regularly. 

[Jon]

I won't lie to you and say she wasn't a big reason why I am here and still working through most likely false hope of reconciling.  And deep down inside I know you are right about women, and that typically what's done is done and there is no turning back.  Hell, she never even knew about the adderroll.  But damn we had so much potential, and I know she saw it too.  This only further deepens the struggle I am going through currently, another SELF INFLICTED wound that will have a hard time closing. 

 

 

I know that it is really hard to let go of a girlfriend. I am going say something to you that I wished I would have said to myself a few times in an earlier life. Have the courage to break your own heart. 

[Zerokewl]

I know that it is really hard to let go of a girlfriend. I am going say something to you that I wished I would said to myself a few times in an earlier life. Have the courage to break your own heart. 

 

T-R-U-T-H

[FALCON]

Hi  you finally came to the cross road you finally hit bottom I know its a hard realization for you right now. I also was a big party animal like your self I us to think I was a functioning addict but i was not at all my family and good friend watched me decline over the years because of my drug abuse they told me to stop taking addearll and xanax. I did not listen to them I needed to hit bottom like your self to realize how self destructive my life was I lost a lot . lost my marriage lost the respect of my my two kids whom I love very much lost a very good business because I was spending to much money on my self and  every one around me I was a hi roller making 6 figures a year .I was taking 60 to 90 milligrams of addarell a day on top of that 8 milligrams of xanax and alcohol. It was all legally with prescriptions .I do not want to see you go thru the same life style as I have learn from my mistakes learn from my experience don’t make the mistakes I have made in my life and all the stupid ass shit I have don to my body stop addarell your still relatively young . It took me 10 days to detox from my addarel abuse .it took me one full year to wean my self off the xanax 0.25milagrames per every 3 weeks xanax is not a drug you can jest stop using there is a medical risk factor You should be happy that you hit bottom some times it takes a person to hit the bottom in order to come to the realization that there is no way out except 6 more feet down if you no what I mean .So my brother your store is so familiar to me reading your post sounds like my life at one time . If you have the will power and commitment to stop using addarell you will become a different person butt understand this it is a slow process and not a over night fix its day by day month by month and year to year. You can change your destiny if your will and commitment is there you will become a different person .

when you finally come clean from adderall it will be a slow journey to recovery there is no fast way its day by day you will have moistly bad days but eventually the bad days will  turn into good days .Every one needs a soul mate and yours will come to you when your not expecting .So get your head clean if you drink or do weed I have no problem with it moderation is the key don’t let your self get wasted and shit faced where you do stupid ass shit that embarrasses you. Any how welcome to the web site you will get the support you need with our advanced members .You made the right you made the wright dessison jest hang in there you will be OK in about 7 to 10 days grin and bear it please don’t relapse we are all pulling for you good luck.

 

THE FALCON

[ItsTIME]

Adderall does undermine your personality over time. That is the number one reason people want to quit. We want to recover a part of ourselves we know is missing. Have you read all of Mike's articles? I suggest you invest the time to do that.

 

Yes, you can call your doctor and tell him that you don't want to be perscribed Adderall ever again, due to dependancy issues or whatever. You don't have to give a reason if you don't want to, but making the call is important because you need to cut off your supplier.

 

Sorry I am blunt here. There are so many folks that post once or twice here and then dissappear. I'm just trying to get some of the facts out to you.

 

No need to apologize migo.  A swift kick in the ass at times is exactly what I need, and wont take it personally especially when I know there are nothing but the best of intentions coming from the support of you gents.   

 

Its kind of takes me back a bit when you bring up the calling of the doc.  I mean who cuts their own umbilical cord??  =)  But I will be doing that today. 

 

Speaking of today.  Man I am a lazy POS.  Its raining outside (kinda liking that part) and I have no motivation to do much of anything other than to lounge around the house.

 

That's ok, I am kind of embracing that and putting work on the side for a minute.  However, I just cant afford to do it for very long.  I have a chance to have a career year if I finish strong these next 6 months.  What a time to make this change huh?  lol

 

So when do I start to feel that rush to go and work out and get healthy?  ugh.

[ItsTIME]

 

 

Hopefully that isn't too harsh because I edited out quite a bit.

 

Uh oh... lol.  Give it to me straight man. 

[ItsTIME]

Welcome to the board itsTime. Congrats on 2 days you are making those first crucial steps.  Adderall is a colossal mind fuck the emotions you are feeling are a symptom of withdrawal.  Sleep and Netflix should be your best friends for the next little while. Your brain needs sleep to repair.  Remember you won't be thinking clearly for a little while. Your brain is starting to experience a shortage in dopamine.  There are various stages to the withdrawal clearly defined in the articles on this site. Read the articles and read them again.  As the sites tagline states 

 

"Surviving the painful but extremely rewarding transition back to your true self"

 

Jon  & Justin W is dropping all sorts of truth bombs.  You need to do this for you. We are here to help. Just take it a day at a time for right now. Post regularly. 

 

Thanks bro... yea,  I kinda feel like I am some emotional woman right now especially reading back on my posts lol.  Its like WTF, man up!

 

Just scored BF4 on xbox and that and Netflix will be definitely on my agenda for a bit along with those articles.

[ItsTIME]

I know that it is really hard to let go of a girlfriend. I am going say something to you that I wished I would have said to myself a few times in an earlier life. Have the courage to break your own heart. 

 

Man.  That kind of loosened that noose I have been wearing around reading that.  It gives all the power back to ME.  I AM IN CONTROL.

[ItsTIME]

I appreciate you sharing your story FALCON.  I know it has not been easy for you and it means a lot you looking out for me.  It does hit home saying I can admit I felt like I had everything managed to a point where I could keep living as such and still get everything I wanted.  Maybe if I just "fooled" a girl I cared about into marrying me or something then at THAT point she would be "locked" in and I could continue secretly living in my fog fooling everyone and I win.  Nonsense.  Clearly that was never going to happen.

 

I do get these brief moments of relief and happiness as I am really excited at the prospects of connecting with everyone on a natural level again.  That this is the only way, and I am heading there right now.  I am doing this. 

 

Maybe its the rain, but today is a BITCH.

 

Guess I gotta go kill some fuckers in Battlefield 4.  haha

[JustinW]

So when do I start to feel that rush to go and work out and get healthy?  ugh.

Unfortunately, it's like the name of one of our most inspiring members - Motivation Follows Action

[Krax]

Unfortunately, it's like the name of one of our most inspiring members - Motivation Follows Action

where is MFA?

[JustinW]

where is MFA?

Who is John Galt?

[ItsTIME]

Well hello day 5.  Its been a draining week.  Hoping at some point I get some energy back.  Taking vitamins, L-Tyrinise or whatever its called,etc.  Just poured another cup of joe.  I think I am in a good solid state of mind, but my worry now is about the ability to regain some sort of a solid work day again.  I am a bit lazy by nature already and in the sales game there its about hustle and bustle.  I guess there is no choice but to simply get up, and do it up.  Just. Do. It . Each day until it becomes a habit, or second nature.

 

Going to start exercising/working out in the morning next week to help with this part.  Thinking about shopping around for a new bike to ride and try that as a hobby, plenty of good trails around me to explore. 

 

Hope everyone is good!     

[JustinW]

You should be coming through the lowest part of the crash any day now.  Keep your head up, it sounds like you are pushing through it.

[ItsTIME]

Welp. Funny thing is I am back to day 5.... 20 months(ish) later. I guess I got to a point where I felt that it was the loss of the relationship at the time that was the problem not the addys, and that I could control it. I did cut my dosage in half at some point and I got down to 10mg IR a day and been at 10 mgs for quite some time.

I have been taking addys for 7 years now (many different levels of doses and types) and the time has come. For good. I called my doc this time for real. I told a couple family members (they had no clue) to give myself some accountability as well.

I feel kind of "unworthy" to post since I have only been taking 10 mgs, but my hope is this process will be easier because I have been.

Despite the low dosage, the past few days have been about netflix, eating, and sleeping. Today its about getting back into work, backinto crossfit, and simply DOING. I am very excited at the prospect of a clear mind again... I am already a bit temperamental, so these pills have only enhanced that part of me... agitation, jealousy, overthinking, etc... getting stuck in my own head.

Onward and upward people!

[quit-once]

Welcome back.  It takes a lot of courage to come back to the same thread 20 months later.  I hope you have re-read all of the posts in this thread, your own little piece of real estate on this great website, for encouragement and insight.  Congratulations on your decision to re-quit and good luck to you!

[ItsTIME]

Welcome back. It takes a lot of courage to come back to the same thread 20 months later. I hope you have re-read all of the posts in this thread, your own little piece of real estate on this great website, for encouragement and insight. Congratulations on your decision to re-quit and good luck to you!

Appreciate that! 20 months later... umph. Imagine if I'd just stuck with it. Which is my motivation. 20 months from now it will be soon enough again.

[AlwaysAwesome]

We've all been there.  I can't count how many times I "quit" and then refilled...  It's the final quit that counts.  You can do it!

[ItsTIME]

Day 7 is here. ZERO intentions of ever taking again. I did the bare min at work this week. Ate my face off and slept a ton and watched endless netflix. That luxury is going away though. Im too old to fuck around with work much longer...

But I will say, despite the fog and what feels like my head is in a vice grip at times.... there are certain moments of pure CLARITY that I am clinging to. That is where I am headed. And if feels fucking good man.

[Zerokewl]

Day 7 is here. ZERO intentions of ever taking again. I did the bare min at work this week. Ate my face off and slept a ton and watched endless netflix. That luxury is going away though. Im too old to fuck around with work much longer...

But I will say, despite the fog and what feels like my head is in a vice grip at times.... there are certain moments of pure CLARITY that I am clinging to. That is where I am headed. And if feels fucking good man.

blankets & netflix is early recovery.  Do try to get some exercise.