blesbro

Random interesting thought

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I was just thinking about how I love waking up early, going to the gym, and getting my day started early. Why? Because I love feeling productive and being productive. I have loved being productive since before I ever took adderall. At first, addy seemingly increased my productivity which played a huge role in my love for adderall. I became a productivity NUT during the honeymoon phase. But now I have realized that I can still feel damn productive no addy necessary :) I guess I have a natural love for feeling productive. Is anyone else like me in that sense?

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 I guess I have a natural love for feeling productive. Is anyone else like me in that sense?

 

Only Americans feel this way. Most other cultures just enjoy living.

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I do NOT have a natural love for being productive (wish I did) , so maybe I'd fit in better with other cultures :) In all seriousness, that's a good point, Jon.

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This is a great thread, Blesbro.  I can relate to and agree with each post so far.

 

I believe a lot of us abused adderall because it made us feel more useful, and more productive.  With more and more time away from adderall, I am realizing that even during the honeymoon years, my productivity was not that spectacular, but I sure thought it was at the time.  I spent a lot of time being busy but I really wasn't all that productive.  In fact, when I quit I realized I was not productive at all, so the doldrums of early recovery were easier to accept because I was actually getting a few things done even if it required a greater amount of effort.

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I spent a lot of time being busy but I really wasn't all that productive.  In fact, when I quit I realized I was not productive at all, so the doldrums of early recovery were easier to accept because I was actually getting a few things done even if it required a greater amount of effort.

 

So true. 

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Good for you blesbro.  My biggest fear from quitting adderall is not being successful, productive or motivated anymore. I agree that being productive is a great feeling.  Something about being productive, smart, hard working, in control, motivated, etc. (all feelings you strengthened on adderall) are very important to me.  I hope to regain those feelings back without adderall someday too.   

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Only Americans feel this way. Most other cultures just enjoy living.

 

Canadians like being productive eh!!! 

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Good for you blesbro.  My biggest fear from quitting adderall is not being successful, productive or motivated anymore. I agree that being productive is a great feeling.  Something about being productive, smart, hard working, in control, motivated, etc. (all feelings you strengthened on adderall) are very important to me.  I hope to regain those feelings back without adderall someday too.   

I can totally relate to that bro. That's why I continued to take adderall for a year after being well aware of my addiction. Because I was afraid of not being able to be successful, productive or motivated anymore. So I continued to use for another year and IN THAT YEAR that i continued to take it, my whole life crumbled before my eyes. My reputation eventually was ruined, many good friends were lost because I was so fucked up and I don't blame any of my friends who went a separate way because I totally understand now. I started failing all of my classes where as I had been a straight A student my whole life before adderall. The deeper you get into the addiction, the worse it gets. It sounds like you were at an earlier stage in the addiction than I was before I quit. That's amazing! There's no way I could have quit without doing serious damage to my life. I knew it too. I couldn't find the motivation to quit until my life was nearly ruined (temporarily, of course!). So my HIGHEST advice to you my man is stay quit. It really is for the better. Eventually, after up to a year or more off of adderall, you can attain high focus, motivation, and overall success in life without adderall. How long did you take adderall for and what dosages if you don't mind me asking?

 

Blesbro

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I can totally relate to that bro. That's why I continued to take adderall for a year after being well aware of my addiction. Because I was afraid of not being able to be successful, productive or motivated anymore. So I continued to use for another year and IN THAT YEAR that i continued to take it, my whole life crumbled before my eyes. My reputation eventually was ruined, many good friends were lost because I was so fucked up and I don't blame any of my friends who went a separate way because I totally understand now. I started failing all of my classes where as I had been a straight A student my whole life before adderall. The deeper you get into the addiction, the worse it gets. It sounds like you were at an earlier stage in the addiction than I was before I quit. That's amazing! There's no way I could have quit without doing serious damage to my life. I knew it too. I couldn't find the motivation to quit until my life was nearly ruined (temporarily, of course!). So my HIGHEST advice to you my man is stay quit. It really is for the better. Eventually, after up to a year or more off of adderall, you can attain high focus, motivation, and overall success in life without adderall. How long did you take adderall for and what dosages if you don't mind me asking?

 

Blesbro

I've been taking adderall for ten years now.  Since 8th grade and I'm 23 now.  I first declared adderall evil about a year ago when I continually kept binging on it and never sleeping.  The sad part is digging into the addiction like you said has made things worse.  It seems since the first time I firmly committed to quitting back in January, I lasted four months.  I broke because I had finals for school and feared I would fail them all.  After that in May, I went off and on the adderall getting some from friends.  It would normally but just enough for a few nights to binge and then I'd be sober for another month.  Now it's November and I've been doing this since then, but recently I got an entire prescription.  It's not mine it a family members.  But with this prescription and told myself I was going to make this work.  I told myself there was really something wrong with me if I couldn't at least have one freakin day without going over my dosage.  Obviously, that didn't happen and now I'm here once again facing the reality that I need to quit.  When I posted my question the other night I couldn't remember why I should quit? I kept coming up with all these reasons why it was bad, but the main one I forgot, was that your quitting becuase you can't control the addiction.  I needed someone to tell me that again because after my last relapse I got alll twisted up again.  I'm technically on my first day today, but I still have some 30mgs left.  Everytime I'm committed to how fucked up this adderall has made me, I say I NEED to stop right now.  But then when I try and do anything I feel just as depressed.  I know this is typical of quitting especially at first, but I worry about failing after 4 months like last time.  I made progress during that time, but still felt unhappy on the inside.  It's almost like everytime I quit and try and do things without adderall, knowing ok this is my life now, I still act as though everything is a product of adderall.  I never wake up with a clean slate or look and the mirror and identify myself as something other than an ex adderall user.  I'm not sure if it's self sabotage or what.  I spend more time wandering what other people are thinking and always feel like I'm wierd in certain ways.  Not enough that I can't go out and socialize somewhat, but there's always something on the inside that doesn't feel right.  I'm always anxious to get home because then I will be normal again. I will figure this out when I get home.  Anyway I think my problem is I don't know or remember how to please myself.  When I get off this again, I will work out, run and be healthier guaranteed.  That is easy for me and comes natural, but there are still many other areas I struggle with.  Btw I started first 4 years or so around 30mgs per day.  But around 19 or 20 it steadily increased until I never slept on them anymore.

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It's almost like everytime I quit and try and do things without adderall, knowing ok this is my life now, I still act as though everything is a product of adderall.  I never wake up with a clean slate or look and the mirror and identify myself as something other than an ex adderall user.  I'm not sure if it's self sabotage or what.  I spend more time wandering what other people are thinking and always feel like I'm wierd in certain ways.  Not enough that I can't go out and socialize somewhat, but there's always something on the inside that doesn't feel right. 

 

I know what you mean. It's like that for at least the first four months if not longer. Even when you're enjoying yourself, in the back of your mind you're thinking about how things are different and comparing the experience with what you imagine it being like on adderall. But if you stick with quitting, it WILL get better. You will stop thinking about it all the time and your new reality will become THE reality. I've been clean 11 months now and only recently have I stopped identifying with and comparing my every experience with what I'd expect on adderall. I still think about adderall a lot, probably every day, but it now takes conscious effort: "I am going to stop what I'm doing and think about adderall/visit the forums now." If that makes sense.

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  Obviously, that didn't happen and now I'm here once again facing the reality that I need to quit.  When I posted my question the other night I couldn't remember why I should quit? I kept coming up with all these reasons why it was bad, but the main one I forgot, was that your quitting becuase you can't control the addiction. 

Spot ON!   Congratulations, ddw, you are truly ready to quit this evil drug.  I think you should look at that four months of sobriety earlier this year as a victory, not a failure.  You have proven that you can quit and begin the recovery process.  Like Cat just said, it takes a long time to truly recover - like at least a year or two.   I suggest you read the post entitled "eight stages of amphetamine addiction" over in the announcements forum, to help you get started with your Quit.  Good Luck!

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Spot ON!   Congratulations, ddw, you are truly ready to quit this evil drug.  I think you should look at that four months of sobriety earlier this year as a victory, not a failure.  You have proven that you can quit and begin the recovery process.  Like Cat just said, it takes a long time to truly recover - like at least a year or two.   I suggest you read the post entitled "eight stages of amphetamine addiction" over in the announcements forum, to help you get started with your Quit.  Good Luck!

I agree. Since you quit for four months before, when you quit again you will at least know what to expect during those first months. It will be slightly easier. But yeah, I agree with it taking at least a year or two to start to feel normal again. You have to think of recovery in terms of years, not months. Especially since you used for so long. After 10 years of amphetamine use, did you think you would be recovered in four months? Not a chance. You just have to muddle through the first year and expect to feel shitty most of the time. Then things get easier as long as you stick with it. You know the Woody Allen quote, "80% of life is just showing up?" You will learn how true that is when you quit for good.

 

P.S. Quitting will only get harder as you get older. Quit now while you're young and have more resilience. You're young and you can put this Adderall nightmare behind you.

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I've been taking adderall for ten years now.  Since 8th grade and I'm 23 now.  I first declared adderall evil about a year ago when I continually kept binging on it and never sleeping.  The sad part is digging into the addiction like you said has made things worse.  It seems since the first time I firmly committed to quitting back in January, I lasted four months.  I broke because I had finals for school and feared I would fail them all.  After that in May, I went off and on the adderall getting some from friends.  It would normally but just enough for a few nights to binge and then I'd be sober for another month.  Now it's November and I've been doing this since then, but recently I got an entire prescription.  It's not mine it a family members.  But with this prescription and told myself I was going to make this work.  I told myself there was really something wrong with me if I couldn't at least have one freakin day without going over my dosage.  Obviously, that didn't happen and now I'm here once again facing the reality that I need to quit.  When I posted my question the other night I couldn't remember why I should quit? I kept coming up with all these reasons why it was bad, but the main one I forgot, was that your quitting becuase you can't control the addiction.  I needed someone to tell me that again because after my last relapse I got alll twisted up again.  I'm technically on my first day today, but I still have some 30mgs left.  Everytime I'm committed to how fucked up this adderall has made me, I say I NEED to stop right now.  But then when I try and do anything I feel just as depressed.  I know this is typical of quitting especially at first, but I worry about failing after 4 months like last time.  I made progress during that time, but still felt unhappy on the inside.  It's almost like everytime I quit and try and do things without adderall, knowing ok this is my life now, I still act as though everything is a product of adderall.  I never wake up with a clean slate or look and the mirror and identify myself as something other than an ex adderall user.  I'm not sure if it's self sabotage or what.  I spend more time wandering what other people are thinking and always feel like I'm wierd in certain ways.  Not enough that I can't go out and socialize somewhat, but there's always something on the inside that doesn't feel right.  I'm always anxious to get home because then I will be normal again. I will figure this out when I get home.  Anyway I think my problem is I don't know or remember how to please myself.  When I get off this again, I will work out, run and be healthier guaranteed.  That is easy for me and comes natural, but there are still many other areas I struggle with.  Btw I started first 4 years or so around 30mgs per day.  But around 19 or 20 it steadily increased until I never slept on them anymore.

During my addiction, I definitely became socially weird and anxious. I was always in my head and couldn't keep a conversation for the life of me because I just was not all there. I was in an addy daze. It sucked ass. Those effects lingered for 9-10 months after I quit. I've been clean almost 11 months now and I have no anxiety or social awkwardness anymore. Pretty awesome. But at months 4-8, it was still there for sure. Definitely start working out ASAP. I'm all about health and working out. I lift 7 days a week, eat a really clean diet, and it has helped me in recovery in SO MANY WAYS. During adderall I still lifted but my workouts were shit and I just continued to lose lean mass because I couldn't eat enough. Once I quit, they went through the roof, I threw on 30lbs of muscle in 6 months, and now I dropped the excess fat gain that came with quitting. It has seriously helped my self-esteem, self-confidence, overall feeling of well-being, concentration, motivation, and energy levels.  Make sure to take steps to get your body healthy again because that will really help you out in a lot of other ways. Eating healthy, running, and lifting weights will make your life much easier down the road of recovery I promise. Also, check out the thread 30 day challenge. It's for people in their first 30 days of recovery and should help hold you accountable. Quitting with others that are in the same stage of recovery as you makes it much easier as you're working together with someone else to beat the addiction.

 

Blesbro

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I agree. Since you quit for four months before, when you quit again you will at least know what to expect during those first months. It will be slightly easier. But yeah, I agree with it taking at least a year or two to start to feel normal again. You have to think of recovery in terms of years, not months. Especially since you used for so long. After 10 years of amphetamine use, did you think you would be recovered in four months? Not a chance. You just have to muddle through the first year and expect to feel shitty most of the time. Then things get easier as long as you stick with it. You know the Woody Allen quote, "80% of life is just showing up?" You will learn how true that is when you quit for good.

 

P.S. Quitting will only get harder as you get older. Quit now while you're young and have more resilience. You're young and you can put this Adderall nightmare behind you.

I reckon so.

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I agree. Since you quit for four months before, when you quit again you will at least know what to expect during those first months. It will be slightly easier. But yeah, I agree with it taking at least a year or two to start to feel normal again. You have to think of recovery in terms of years, not months. Especially since you used for so long. After 10 years of amphetamine use, did you think you would be recovered in four months? Not a chance. You just have to muddle through the first year and expect to feel shitty most of the time. Then things get easier as long as you stick with it. You know the Woody Allen quote, "80% of life is just showing up?" You will learn how true that is when you quit for good.

 

P.S. Quitting will only get harder as you get older. Quit now while you're young and have more resilience. You're young and you can put this Adderall nightmare behind you.

Alright I'm going to take all of your guys advice and just no matter what stick to quitting.  It helps to realize I'm not alone and this isn't all my fault.  I think after my 4 months of sobriety I forgot that I can't control the addiction.  I need to always remember that adderall won't cure anything.  And I absolutely agree that the older I get and keep this going it only get harder each time to quit.  I'm gonna keep up with site and my recovery.  I need to get better. Thanks for the help and advice

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During my addiction, I definitely became socially weird and anxious. I was always in my head and couldn't keep a conversation for the life of me because I just was not all there. I was in an addy daze. It sucked ass. Those effects lingered for 9-10 months after I quit. I've been clean almost 11 months now and I have no anxiety or social awkwardness anymore. Pretty awesome. But at months 4-8, it was still there for sure. Definitely start working out ASAP. I'm all about health and working out. I lift 7 days a week, eat a really clean diet, and it has helped me in recovery in SO MANY WAYS. During adderall I still lifted but my workouts were shit and I just continued to lose lean mass because I couldn't eat enough. Once I quit, they went through the roof, I threw on 30lbs of muscle in 6 months, and now I dropped the excess fat gain that came with quitting. It has seriously helped my self-esteem, self-confidence, overall feeling of well-being, concentration, motivation, and energy levels.  Make sure to take steps to get your body healthy again because that will really help you out in a lot of other ways. Eating healthy, running, and lifting weights will make your life much easier down the road of recovery I promise. Also, check out the thread 30 day challenge. It's for people in their first 30 days of recovery and should help hold you accountable. Quitting with others that are in the same stage of recovery as you makes it much easier as you're working together with someone else to beat the addiction.

 

Blesbro

Thanks man during my 4 month sobriety you have no idea how much I lifted.  Like you just said 7 days a week I was there.  Sometime I went three times a day.  The only area I couldn't recover from was socializing.  I went to the gym and couldn't make any long lastin relationship with anyone.  But I guess I need to realize that it's going to take longer than 4 months.  I gained so much muscle also.  So many girls at school reached out to me, but I was the one that couldn't make the next step.  I knew I was there physically and healthy wise but socially I was still weak.  I hope things change this time, but here we go.  I'm on day two now but thanks for the advice.  I'm 23 hopefully by 25 or so I'm completely recoverd. I may look back at this and laugh. Thanks for the advice man

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Thanks man during my 4 month sobriety you have no idea how much I lifted.  Like you just said 7 days a week I was there.  Sometime I went three times a day.  The only area I couldn't recover from was socializing.  I went to the gym and couldn't make any long lastin relationship with anyone.  But I guess I need to realize that it's going to take longer than 4 months.  I gained so much muscle also.  So many girls at school reached out to me, but I was the one that couldn't make the next step.  I knew I was there physically and healthy wise but socially I was still weak.  I hope things change this time, but here we go.  I'm on day two now but thanks for the advice.  I'm 23 hopefully by 25 or so I'm completely recoverd. I may look back at this and laugh. Thanks for the advice man

Exactly. Adderall seriously fucked up my ability to have a genuine conversation with anyone or connect with anyone other than really close friends on any deep level. And even then I was pretty shallow. It helped to have one of my close friends tell me how I used to be so much better in so many ways before I started taking adderall. I used to be super witty and always had a comeback. Eventually when one of my friends would jokingly make fun of me, I just had nothing to say. I wasn't witty anymore. I just couldn't relax, chill, and have a fun time shooting the breeze with anyone. The only time I felt somewhat comfortable is when I was alone. It definitely made me lose just about all my social skills and I often avoided talking to people because I was afraid they would notice how off I was mentally. Not fun at all. Being able to socialize, in my opinion, is a mental thing. If you're mentally healthy, you can just be yourself and not have to worry what someone thinks about what you say. That's the case for me at least. I'm more mentally healthy after 11 months of addy than I have been in years and it's amazing. It's worth it when you get to a point where you can talk to someone without consciously thinking about anything. When I talk to people now, and write anything for that matter, I just talk I don't really think about what I'm going to say when I'm saying/typing it anymore. You'll get to a much better place in two years you'll be amazed. I'm still being amazed by how much better I get every single month. Stick with it it's worth it.

 

Blesbro

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Blesbro,

 

 

Gotta say man you really got your shit together.  Your posts are intelligent well written and inspiring.  You seem clear and genuine. I imagine you went through hell in the early stages like we all have. But now you are crusin toward one year. Thanks for sharing your story. I am looking forward to my 11 month mark.

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Blesbro,

 

 

Gotta say man you really got your shit together.  Your posts are intelligent well written and inspiring.  You seem clear and genuine. I imagine you went through hell in the early stages like we all have. But now you are crusin toward one year. Thanks for sharing your story. I am looking forward to my 11 month mark.

 

Thanks man, I appreciate it! I aim to try and inspire people because quitting is something that people should be inspired to do. It's the best and most difficult decision I've ever made. I want to spread the greatness of quitting. I had to dig deeper into myself to quit than I have ever had to before in my life. That feels good. I feel compelled to pass on my knowledge about quitting because I have seen the early stages of hell and I have gotten to a much better place. I am not perfect by any means but I strive to improve myself every day. Not only for myself, but also so that I can be a better brother, son, friend, and inspiration for all you guys on here. I simply choose to believe that a 110% recovery is possible and I don't care what the research or anyone else says (although the research tends to say that 100% is possible). I think everyone will be forever changed by the addiction and it's our choice as to whether that change is positive or negative. If we sit around, not do anything, and just feel bad for ourselves, obviously recovery is going to be a very long road. But if we push as hard as we can every single day, and take smart steps to recover, recovery is inevitable. The most important part is never giving up hope. Easier said than done, but that's why we have these forums to help motivate each other.

 

Congrats on hitting 11 months man, how's everything going for you?

 

Blesbro

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I'm headin towards 6 months. I am doing good feeling like the worst of it is over. I have some major hurdles to overcome yet. But I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and making small improvements  daily. I am soooo much better than I was 4 months ago, I've really leveled off in terms of the depression etc.  Now it really is just working towards incremental improvements. Thanks for being so positive.  I'm going to go to the gym in the AM for the 1st time in a long time largely due to your positive posts.

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I'm headin towards 6 months. I am doing good feeling like the worst of it is over. I have some major hurdles to overcome yet. But I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and making small improvements  daily. I am soooo much better than I was 4 months ago, I've really leveled off in terms of the depression etc.  Now it really is just working towards incremental improvements. Thanks for being so positive.  I'm going to go to the gym in the AM for the 1st time in a long time largely due to your positive posts.

Congrats man. 6 months is huge and I'm glad you're doing good. You have definitely gotten through the worst of it. Exactly I feel like incremental improvements are key. Rome wasn't built in a day. You're doing great man. I'm confident you'll make a full recovery. Let us know what you think about the AM workout! The AM workouts seem to get me in "get shit done mode" nice and early in the morning. I tend to get a lot more done if I wake up early and go to the gym. I should be thanking you for reading my posts. Sharing my thoughts in writing really helps me to get my ideas straight and my brain thinking properly. It's always a pleasure to help another person out on the road to recovery! Giving back to this website and everyone on it is the least I can do after everything you guys and this website have done for me.

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Exactly. Adderall seriously fucked up my ability to have a genuine conversation with anyone or connect with anyone other than really close friends on any deep level. And even then I was pretty shallow. It helped to have one of my close friends tell me how I used to be so much better in so many ways before I started taking adderall. I used to be super witty and always had a comeback. Eventually when one of my friends would jokingly make fun of me, I just had nothing to say. I wasn't witty anymore. I just couldn't relax, chill, and have a fun time shooting the breeze with anyone. The only time I felt somewhat comfortable is when I was alone. It definitely made me lose just about all my social skills and I often avoided talking to people because I was afraid they would notice how off I was mentally. Not fun at all. Being able to socialize, in my opinion, is a mental thing. If you're mentally healthy, you can just be yourself and not have to worry what someone thinks about what you say. That's the case for me at least. I'm more mentally healthy after 11 months of addy than I have been in years and it's amazing. It's worth it when you get to a point where you can talk to someone without consciously thinking about anything. When I talk to people now, and write anything for that matter, I just talk I don't really think about what I'm going to say when I'm saying/typing it anymore. You'll get to a much better place in two years you'll be amazed. I'm still being amazed by how much better I get every single month. Stick with it it's worth it.

 

Blesbro

I experience those exact scenarios.  It's like adderall has killed my ability to be vunerable anymore.  I'm more focused on what other people think rather than what I think.  I think now it's a battle of remembering that this forever.  Theres times when I'm feeling great off adderall and then worry about the future and question whether I can always do this.  But that's the change I have to make. Is remembering that this is the reason why I'm quitting adderall.  Its the hope that you will be able to conquer all your dreams and expectations without adderall.  I have to go back to school on campus in January.  I hope this time I make it.  I need to overcome my fear of studying without adderall.  I think I need to figure out what is going to make me happy from studying and doing school.  Because that's where adderall kicked in.  It was motivator to study hard and become this great mathematician.  And now I don't know what is going to keep me happy.  I hope I find a new reason and meaning for life in general.

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I experience those exact scenarios.  It's like adderall has killed my ability to be vunerable anymore.  I'm more focused on what other people think rather than what I think.  I think now it's a battle of remembering that this forever.  Theres times when I'm feeling great off adderall and then worry about the future and question whether I can always do this.  But that's the change I have to make. Is remembering that this is the reason why I'm quitting adderall.  Its the hope that you will be able to conquer all your dreams and expectations without adderall.  I have to go back to school on campus in January.  I hope this time I make it.  I need to overcome my fear of studying without adderall.  I think I need to figure out what is going to make me happy from studying and doing school.  Because that's where adderall kicked in.  It was motivator to study hard and become this great mathematician.  And now I don't know what is going to keep me happy.  I hope I find a new reason and meaning for life in general.

Adderall is the ultimate mind fuck. It undermines your confidence and replaces it with a false sense of confidence.  One of the pro's of quitting for me is I truly don't give  a shit what others think anymore. 

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