I didn't start long ago, but I KNOW I need to stop

[oyvey]

Hello everybody, instead of boring you with my life story I will get right to the point. Im 40 year old male and I was prescribed  Adderall which seemed to be a miracle for my add inattentive/scatterbrained/fidgety etc etc type symptoms but unfortunately the initial effect seemed to lose its strength so i asked the doctor if It was possible my body was just needing a slightly larger dose, so he agreed to increase my dose and that's where the problem started. Once again I felt on track again and so happy to be able to read a book without getting a paragraph in and then just going elsewhere to 10 places in my mind. I was relaxed again, almost like Xanax with perfect focus. Well as the weeks went by increased my dose more{without doc consent} because it seemed like yet again i was losing the benefit and didn't want to lose out on this great slowing down of my mind.  

As of 2 weeks ago I went overboard because i started to like the feeling I got when i increased the dose. It was almost euphoric, i still had my focus and but felt happier  than before. As of today{ 12 weeks} I got up to literally 100mg between 5am and 3pm. In the previous week the most I took was 60mg which is obviously still a lot. I didn't and don't feel remotely anxious, my heart isn't beating any faster than my initial dose weeks ago but it's clear that this is abuse and leading down and really bad road. I like this feeling of calmness too much and my self medicating is foolish.  I need to stop NOW. So here I am putting it in words so I can see what I've been doing and to read other posts so to see if I can relate to anyone and how to get back on track without this double edge sword medication. Im sure it's great for people that have more control, but I guess that isn't me in this case. I don't drink, smoke or do any other type of drugs so  I don't have experience with what withdrawals will be like,  but from what I've read I'm not looking forward to it. Thanks for listening. 

[Jon]

You are right about Adderall being a double edged sword, in so many ways you wouldn't believe it. All that calmness you are feeling on the drug....you will pay for in anxiety after you quit. Chasing the high is pretty much what we all do until we reach a certain point and then many of us begin to back off a little...some of us don't. If you don't find yourself backing off at 100mgs you are probably on your way to much bigger problems, like amphetemine induced psychosis. This will land you in the ER.

 

Adderall is a very addictive substance for anyone, and given the right circumstances, even a casual, non-addictive type user, can become an addict almost overnight.

 

You said it youself: You need to stop now. The stakes are way too high to take on more risk at this point. Let us know how we can help.

[blesbro]

Hello everybody, instead of boring you with my life story I will get right to the point. Im 40 year old male and I was prescribed  Adderall which seemed to be a miracle for my add inattentive/scatterbrained/fidgety etc etc type symptoms but unfortunately the initial effect seemed to lose its strength so i asked the doctor if It was possible my body was just needing a slightly larger dose, so he agreed to increase my dose and that's where the problem started. Once again I felt on track again and so happy to be able to read a book without getting a paragraph in and then just going elsewhere to 10 places in my mind. I was relaxed again, almost like Xanax with perfect focus. Well as the weeks went by increased my dose more{without doc consent} because it seemed like yet again i was losing the benefit and didn't want to lose out on this great slowing down of my mind.  

As of 2 weeks ago I went overboard because i started to like the feeling I got when i increased the dose. It was almost euphoric, i still had my focus and but felt happier  than before. As of today{ 12 weeks} I got up to literally 100mg between 5am and 3pm. In the previous week the most I took was 60mg which is obviously still a lot. I didn't and don't feel remotely anxious, my heart isn't beating any faster than my initial dose weeks ago but it's clear that this is abuse and leading down and really bad road. I like this feeling of calmness too much and my self medicating is foolish.  I need to stop NOW. So here I am putting it in words so I can see what I've been doing and to read other posts so to see if I can relate to anyone and how to get back on track without this double edge sword medication. Im sure it's great for people that have more control, but I guess that isn't me in this case. I don't drink, smoke or do any other type of drugs so  I don't have experience with what withdrawals will be like,  but from what I've read I'm not looking forward to it. Thanks for listening. 

 

Hey oyvey,

it seems pretty apparent to me that you have natural addictive behavior towards amphetamines like all of the other people on these forums. I had a very similar experience during the first 6-12 months of usage. Unfortunately, I wasn't smart enough to look for help like you are. For the first 6-12 months, adderall gave me super focus, relieved all my anxiety, and made me feel extremely euphoric. It seemed like the perfect fix in my life. After taking a certain dosage for awhile I always increased my dosage like you despite the fact that i KNEW it was wrong what I was doing. I had really good self control when I started using adderall, and adderall eventually (after 2.5 years) took all of my self control away. You are headed down a dark, dark path. I suggest you explain to your doctor EXACTLY what you wrote on these forums and I'm sure your doctor will agree that you should be taken off adderall immediately. We're here to help you if you do decide to quit.

 

Blesbro

[oyvey]

Thank you for the support. I know 100% it's the must do thing. I thought starting this med was the right thing to do and almost a Godsend, but wow I was wrong about my ability to handle it. 

[oyvey]

My meds are flushed and I left a voicemail for my psychiatrist to not prescribe again for reasons of abuse. I know I won't taper, so this is it. Whatever hell is coming, i will take it as it comes and try to get to the good side off being off this crap.

[blesbro]

Congratulations man, I'm so happy to hear that!! Luckily you've only been on it for 3 months so withdrawals shouldn't be horrible and hopefully you'll be able to recover quickly from the drug. Keep active on these forums and let us know how things are going. Recovery takes most people a year or more. Because you've only been taking it for three months, I would think that recovery would be much shorter for you but I can't say for sure.

 

Blesbro

[oyvey]

Thank you. I will more than likely need the forum for some sort of sanity or reinforcement about doing the right thing.

[blesbro]

Also, every addict of this drug has a honeymoon phase. You were still in the honeymoon phase and never experienced negative side effects of the drug. There comes a time when the drug causes the addicts life to spiral of control and rather than increasing focus, reducing anxiety, and making you feel good it does the exact opposite. You've made the right choice.

[oyvey]

I didn't experience a down, but saying to myself that last one didn't feel as good as yesterday...maybe i should take another one. I got on it for the right reasons to control my whirlwind in my mind, but it didn't stay that way very long. Tomorrow is another day, all I can do is face it head on.

[blesbro]

That's the right attitude. There are plenty of natural things that you can do to help improve the whirlwind in your mind such as exercise, healthy eating, and different supplements. We will do our best to help you out.

[Zerokewl]

My meds are flushed and I left a voicemail for my psychiatrist to not prescribe again for reasons of abuse. I know I won't taper, so this is it. Whatever hell is coming, i will take it as it comes and try to get to the good side off being off this crap.

Atta boy.  Cut off your supply.  Big first step!

[oyvey]

Morning 1-getting ready to workout at the gym. The only workouts I have been doing anytime recently were mental. I literally replaced my gym workouts with exercising my brain for endless hours it seems. I knew I should have been working out, but it was okay on the shit to skip it and just read etc. I have some vitamins ready for daily use and things planned in attempt to keep my mind and body occupied. I was solely a loner when using adderall. When i was engaged socially, it wasn't as alluring for me. I didn't want to hyper focus as I would call it with people, it was more like with books, documentaries and politics online.

[oyvey]

Just a note- for the past few months I felt intelligent/articulate for the first time in my life. Not so much today. 

[oyvey]

Sorry, one more note. While on Adderall I didn't get physical energy AT ALL, so it was 100% mental energy. Im looking around my apartment and it's a train wreck of things that should have been done but I put off due to a complete lack of physical energy and putting my priority into brain games. Man, this a weird drug. I avoided using my brain for eons and used my body for recreational body building, this stuff reversed it with a pill instantly. I feel the need to write this stuff, so I can be aware of things I have f'd up or avoided and need to take care of. Yes, the withdrawal will and the anxiety I'm sure are on their way but i won't make myself anxious by dwelling on it till then.

[JustinW]

Just a note- for the past few months I felt intelligent/articulate for the first time in my life. Not so much today. 

We all know that feeling, but the general concensus is that it was a lie.

 

You have made the first step in a remarkable and difficult journey that will make you a better, healthier, stronger person in the end.

[ashley6]

Oyvey,

The fact that you got rid of your stash AND called your psychiatrist shows amazing strength. I'm super impressed. Be prepared for a crash period. It varies for everyone, but it happens in one way or another. Going to the gym is a great idea. When you said "man, this is a weird drug," you are so right. It's really strange the odd things it makes you want to focus on. But like Justin said, the general consensus is that it's a lie (that we become smarter). We don't. It's a false sense of confidence that makes you FEEL smarter. You've got this!!! Post as often as you need!

[oyvey]

Im back from my workout. It was good minus feeling my blood pressure was a little off{slightly dizzy}. My psychiatrist called back and said he respected my call and we will try something without addiction potential in addition to cognitive therapy. He suggested Wellbutrin as a transition. I haven't researched enough to give my 2 cents. Yeah I guess the feeling smarted was a big drug induced lie, I just didn't see it coming. I did so many google searches about students using it to stay up late and study. I didn't necessarily associate that with any kind of euphoria. I saw it more as, F that I want to sleep at night. I think the latest I took it was 3pm at the latest and that was yesterday. I realize that every med or supplement under the sun will have amazing reviews or horror stories. I took a gamble and overestimated myself. Not that it really makes a difference, but i also read about people taking super low doses and getting anxiety, racing heart, terrible side effects. In my case I thought I'm calm and wasn't having the bad side effects as my dose increased. It was only logic and reading more into the horror stories that I saw myself as the next person to be writing a horror story....oh and or course my apartment/laundry being completely neglected. Since i didn't have the "energy burst" and did have the "calming/focus} i thought my diagnosis of add-innatentive was accurate and the right med to be on. Sucks being wrong on a grand scale.

[oyvey]

For any of the more knowledgeable people that know about the chemistry of the med, is it possible that I built up a tolerance so quickly from having an acidic diet that nullified a lot of the effects? I tend to have a lot of diet coke,rice, soy products, pecans and other acidic proteins. Im a natural body builder so my food choices are not random, but just curious if I knocked down the effects hence needing more so quickly. Yes, I know diet coke is bad, so I'm not looking for a lecture there. 

[JustinW]

I think that it is likely that you weren't getting the full effects of such a high dose due to the acidic diet and therefore your crash may not be as bad as it could have been.  I'm not saying it will be a walk in the park, but it could be less physical stress.

[oyvey]

I would say my diet is 80% acidic and I eat a meal every 2 hrs{sometimes 2.5hrs}. I have my last meal within a half hour of going to bed. My last 3 days on it were 60mg, 80mg and finally 100mg. I seriously didn't feel the difference{euphoric} between the 60mg and 100mg. I don't necessarily think I would be on here or stopping if I was 60mg daily was beneficial if you even want to call it that. I don't have a drug history to think that I have a tolerance from prior meds unless .5 xanax once every few days 10 years ago counts. Im just curious why such a dramatic increase over 3 days but almost a placebo effect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[oyvey]

So far the only noticeable difference between the past 3 days and today is that I have more energy. My appetite never changed while I was on it, so that hasn't changed. Im also urinating less.

[Zerokewl]

I'm no expert on the chemistry thing.  Many people (including me )on this site experience digestive  issues in recovery.  When I was using I really didn't eat much at all, it was something I had to remind myself to do.  Your overall good eating habits and exercise regmine probably meant you could handle more.  Your shrink advice of wellbutrin may be a good idea, post adderall depression can be a motherfucker.  Your experience may vary though our stories are similar everyone recovers a little differently.  Keep posting Adderall is the ultimate mind fuck it will take some time for your mind grapes to level off.  Post here as much as you like, this is a really weird drug!

[oyvey]

The movie "Limitless" kind of reminds me of this drug. The perceived thought of clarity and then the disaster that follows when it's gone or in this case tolerance etc. 

[oyvey]

A question for the people that have come back to use/abuse again: Was it because you missed the high, you were lonely or bored, you wanted to avoid physical withdrawal, you wanted to avoid depression? Obviously there can be other reasons. I would like to know what straw broke your camel's back. 

[blesbro]

For any of the more knowledgeable people that know about the chemistry of the med, is it possible that I built up a tolerance so quickly from having an acidic diet that nullified a lot of the effects? I tend to have a lot of diet coke,rice, soy products, pecans and other acidic proteins. Im a natural body builder so my food choices are not random, but just curious if I knocked down the effects hence needing more so quickly. Yes, I know diet coke is bad, so I'm not looking for a lecture there. 

 

Acidic foods might actually destroy amphetamines or make you less efficient in absorption. I remember avoiding orange juice and other things with vitamin c to get better effects of the drug. I definitely needed more to feel the effects when I did have something acidic. I'm also a natural body builder (haven't ever competed yet). But because you probably eat similar foods every day, the needing of a higher dosage was probably more due to you just getting accustomed to the feeling and/or tolerance.