Shambo Posted December 3, 2013 Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 I dropped my boys at practice & was driving around, having my smoke. I was listening to Dirty Paws by Of monsters & men (perfect music for my dramatic scene;) & whipped the car around, sped to the pharmacy, requested my script on file, informed them I wouldn't need them to special order my meds anymore, & it felt great! I ripped my script into shreds. I haven't told anyone I did that. I'm slowly peeking over my walls, but I'm out of practice with authentic connections. Adderall fed my illusion that life is a movie about me- it's all about me. I'm ashamed to see the degree to which I believe that- and ashamed that I'm still struggling with it. I know it's a part of the human condition but damn. I've had flu like symptoms since Thanksgiving day. It seems to be worse today. I'm taking my supplements and taking better care of my body than I have in years- what gives!? Thank you for the words, you guys. The encouragement is such a big source of support for me. When I read your replays, they're in voices I've made for each of you. Lol! Crazy? In case it's not obvious, yeah, crazy is my copilot. . Happy Tuesday! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted December 3, 2013 Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Cutting off the supply is a big step! It will take some time but this transition is so worth it. Congrats!!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted December 3, 2013 Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Holy crap, you just about gave me a heart attack! I thought that you were going to get the script filled; you really had me going there. WHAT AN AWESOME STEP YOU HAVE MADE! We are so proud of you. I know it's been a tough week and getting the flu probably isn't helping things but you are doing the work, keep it up lady. And we're all crazy, just to different extents ;-) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted December 3, 2013 Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 A little crazy is waaaay better than boring. You had me thinking you were going to fill your prescription too. This is a big step that might not feel good right away, but you made a great choice by doing so! I hope you get to feeling better! Very proud of you! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted December 3, 2013 Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Huge step really. I have to walk by old pharmacy everyday and I'm still kind a freaked out by it. Facing it head on is an amazing achievement. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted December 3, 2013 Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Chelle, Nice work tearing up your perscription! I'll bet it felt great, like closing the door on the castle dragon. Yes, I have heard that before— about the experience of being with other people and your mind on Adderall is like another person watching the scene you are participating in. Now you can start practicing being present around other people. It takes some getting used to. I'm still not completely comfortable with it yet. I think that is one of the reasons they call it "Adderall World." What an unlucky time to catch a cold or flu! I think the same thing happed to SearchingSoul when she started her quit. She made it through it and you will too. Congratulations! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Shambo Posted December 3, 2013 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Actually, today has been the best fucking day I've had in for-EVER. I helped my husband stack fire wood and craved affection from my family. I actually initiated physical touch. And it's because I wanted it- not because I felt obligated to hug or touch to ensure my kids don't get scurvy. Yes, I know that doesn't cause scurvy. Rickets was my second choice. There was a moment when I was walking back from getting wood- 4 of the kids were balls to the walls on the trampoline, laughing & playing & one was helping split wood with his dad. I felt like it was going to be ok. We are going to be okay. I haven't pushed everything past the point of no return. The capacity we all have for forgiveness and redemption- it's something we underestimate- in ourselves and in others. I do anyhow. I did. Mommy guilt is a fucking bear WITHOUT any external help, but I'll tell you, put a few years of the "Adderall super mom illusion" on top of it and you can color yourself fucked. It's a hot mess. Not only do you get the benefit of realizing your kids have missed you (for YEARS), but you've created a level of productivity in your home that everyone around you can not obtain AND your adult daughters will struggle to do it all because of your example, all the while you're wearing a size 0 and sometimes wonder where your friends went. So I'm getting to rebuild every relationship in my life, including the one I have with my less boney body. NOBODY talks about this shit! What the hell are we doing to ourselves?! As if passionate, creative, sensitive, loving people needed the imaginary, already unattainable bar of life to be raised any higher. Is that a run on sentence? Or maybe it's just too saturated with adjectives.... I'm sorry for being so wordy, but damn it I feel! And it feels awesome to feel! Word up! Wooohooooooooo! Later taters. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t'smom Posted December 4, 2013 Report Share Posted December 4, 2013 Mothers tend to be blamed for a lot in society = lame. I don't know if you have a diagnosis of ADHD/ADD or if you even believe that it is a real disorder, but your post reminded me of a great book by Sari Solden about women with ADHD/ADD. It talks about how (some) men with (and without) ADHD/ADD have wives, secretaries, assistants to help them stay organized vs. how women often have to do everything (and I mean everything) ourselves. Also, how men are allowed/encouraged to "narrow their focus/interests", vs where as women we sometimes have (and even our encouraged) to have more diffuse interests. It's a great read if you believe that ADHD/ADD are real conditions. Glad you are feeling better! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shambo Posted December 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2013 I'll check it out! Thanks. I do have a diagnosis but, meh... Idk if I buy it. If anyone on planet earth has ADHD, it's my oldest son, and I refuse to medicate him. Dietary and natural methods are the only things I believe are best for him. Why I took the medicated route- because I'm an addict and it was too perfect to have a legal, socially acceptable reason for me to eat speed all day. But not for my boy. I'm just not sure if ADHD is a disorder or another label/problem to make us question ourselves, our passion, our voice, to fill us even more with self doubt....the government, big pharma.... Here comes my paranoia! Lol! Run!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted December 4, 2013 Report Share Posted December 4, 2013 ADHD is a difference is cognition not a disorder. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted December 4, 2013 Report Share Posted December 4, 2013 Getting outdoors and moving around is an excellent way to deal with withdrawl symptoms, I am happy that you are rebuilding connections with your family; that is very important. Kids are amazingly resilient aren't they? Keep rolling! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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